Only you

I tried to calm this sadness in my heart,
Pictures of you walking away;
Memories of you lingering around my mind.

Story of the past,
Story of you and me,
Memories.

I shouldn't have let you go,
I'm dying inside.
When would this pain go away?
Only you can help
Only you are capable.

(circa 2005)

Sorry seems to be the hardest word..

sometimes i'm just tired to say sorry over and over and over again.
sometimes i'm just too upset but i'd still say i'm sorry.
sometimes i just wonder why and what i'm sorry for.
sometimes i just hate that sorry words.
sometimes i just want to cry because when i said i'm sorry but people never seem to care.
sometimes i think that sorry is just an excuse.
sometimes saying sorry is the hardest thing to say.

" Just say you're sorry.. Say it sincerely.. "

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Dearest beloved,
I'm here..sitting;
Waiting for that moment to come.
The day you'll say, "You're mine",
But time is so cruel.
It moves too slowly,
and waiting...is tormenting.

Dearest beloved,
When that day comes,
I've moved on.
Taking my shattered heart along...
Tears dried up;
left only the scar.

Dearest beloved,
It's not too late.
Do realize I'm still sitting,
waiting...
wishing.

(circa 2005)

Mistakes That I've Learned ( And Still Learning )

Got Together Too Soon

Scenario: When you met someone you like, eventually he/she gave the same response, you have these adrenaline rush, your heart skipped a beat, butterflies in the tummy; You jump into a relationship.

Lessons: Hold on a little bit. Get to know each other. Be friends. It works actually. You just have to keep some for yourself so that in the future you won't get hurt. Yes, you can't control feelings, BUT think wisely, who wants a relationship that everybody knows it will be great in future to end half way? Yes, you can flirt with him/her and guess what, that's the fun part. The temptation. Once both of you sense it's the right time to proceed to the next level, you'll appreciate each other more.

Spending Time 24/7

Scenario: Everything is beautiful. You always want to be with each other 24/7. It's like the end of the world if you lovebirds don't see eye to eye. Ditched all your friends and family because he/she is your #1 priority in your schedule.

Lesson: Once starting living in each others life 24/7, you'll get bored. It's like indulging rich food. You'll lose the uniqueness. The good part of why you should be spending time together. there's only so much you can have. After a while, your appetite changes and you want something different (eg: that's the reason why most men find their "entertainment" from someone else. Oh well, ladies too.). People often mistake intensity with intimacy. Intensity is when you have great sex and get along really well but Intimacy, is what good couples have - history, ups and downs and loyalty and it takes years to develop.

Pleasing Each Other Too Much

Scenario: "Yes dear, I can cancel those plans and stick to yours". That's a good example. You will always want to make your loved ones happy. Puts aside yours.

Lesson: 2S. Selfish and Stupid. Selfish for the other party for not seeing it (because being pampered too much). Selfish towards yourself (you should put yourself first!). Stupid for those who does it. Relationship is about compromising. Give and take. It takes 2 to tango. Not a one way street. When either one fo you keep on doing that, you'll hurt each other. Do you want that?

Discussion is important. Try not to be selfish. Because when you're selfish, it'll turn to greed. Greed turns to taking for granted. And when argument arises, all you got to do is face the consequences.

Seeing Everything From One Side

Scenario: Never mind the dishes in the sink or dvds on the floor. You'll clean it up and oh well, your partner can laze around. He/she is tired. Or he/she is actually explaining/talking something and you either continuing flicking the tv channels or doing house chores.

Lesson: There's a famous line in the flick Dumb & Dumber where Jeff Daniel's character says, " I called her up, she gave me bunch of crap about me not listening to her or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. " Can we relate that? Many couples are having these problems because they don't listen to each other. Too busy defending their point of views that they forget to resolve the issue at hand. Talking through it is the key to having an equal relationship. Help your partner to talk if he/she can't. When one of you said sorry, regardless it's your fault or his/hers, say sorry as well. Don't stand there do nothing. Don't let your ego controls you.

Forgetting To Live In The Moment

Scenario: Planning is good. Going to the movies, dinner, etc. Work work work.

Lesson: Drop those plans! Just out of the blue, take your loved ones for vacations or some activity that both of you longing to do. Surprise them if you can! Better still, switch of your mobiles, cook dinner, have candlelights (too cliche?) or order in pizza and get those dvds that both of you wanted to watch for quite sometime. Spend quality time together. Don't make it as a routine. Just live in the moment like you're not gonna spend time with each other anymore.


These are the mistakes I did in my past relationship. Even now in my companionship. These are like notes for me, a self reminder. Lessons for people out there before they destroy their beautiful relationship. These are my new plans (from "My Favorite Mistake"). I'll do my best not to repeat it. Not to be the pain in the ass. Not to push it away.

My Favorite Mistake

People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories...diagrams of all their old wounds.Most of our old wounds heal leaving nothing behind but a scar, but some of them don't.Some wounds we carry with us everywhere...and though the cuts long gone...What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful...or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did.Maybe our old wounds teach us something...they remind us of where we've been and what we've overcome.But that's not the way it is, is it? Somethings, we just have to learn over and over and over again.

And that is my favorite mistake. Learning over and over again. Becoming someone's pain in the ass and said sorry for more than God knows. For example you're in The Amazing Race,each contestants always have a plan, where to go, when to go, yada yada yada. But even with the best plans, complications can arise, things can arise and suddenly you're caught with your pants down. The thing about plans is...they don't take into account the unexpected. So, when we're thrown a curve ball, whether it's in the race, or in life. We have to improvise [which I've been telling myself over and over and over again]. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to Plan B and make the best of it. And sometimes...what we want...is exactly...what we need. But sometimes...Sometimes what we need is a new plan. And I need it.

The Self Destruct Button

In life we are taught that there are seven deadly sins. We all know the big ones. Gluttony, pride, lust, bla bla bla. But the sin you don’t hear much about is anger. Maybe it’s because we think anger is not that dangerous. That we can control it. My point is maybe we don’t give anger enough credit. Maybe it can be a lot more dangerous than we think. After all when it comes to destructive behavior, it did make the top 7. So, what makes anger different from the 6 other deadly sins? It’s pretty simple really. You give into a sin like envy or pride and you only hurt yourself. Try lust or coveting, and you’ll only hurt yourself, and probably one or two others. But anger... Anger is the worst. The mother of all sins. Not only can anger drive you over the edge. When it does, you can take an awful lot of other people with you.

I did. I pulled everyone down. I lost lots of people. Anger is dangerous. Everyone has their limitation of patience. When you're in anger, think of your loved ones. Well, at least. Try harder. Because when you lose it, you'll lose it all.. "One Mississippi... Two Mississippi... Three Mississippi..."

Love?

-- What is love?

Love can be anything. Love is God, love is art, love is music, and the list goes on. That depends on each invidividual; how they define love; what they understand about love. But for me... What is love?

Love is blind. Love is a virus; a sickness. Love is hell. Love kills me. I used to believe in it. Now, I don't. I love and love and love, at the end of the day, I got hurt. Again and again and again... I'm tired of chasing these futile hopes. The more I love, the more it breaks me. I am vulnerable now because of it. I've stopped searching for it. "Maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong.."

Lost into Space.

I sat down wondering. Thinking. Lost into my own thoughts...

Unwritten

Here I am, sitting, thinking and typing. Sometimes, I just wonder why I can't really write anymore.. I just realized, I don't have that inspiration. That particular someone to make me write. That particular someone to make me feel. I lost the touch. Someone said to me once that, "No worries, it'll come..." but all I write now is more or less boring. Agree, no? I miss that feeling. The feeling where it'll lift me up. That feeling that makes me write. I miss it. I tried looking for it. Unfortunately, I'm not attracted to anyone at all now. I'm tired of looking. I rather be the way I am right now. Like a bull in a chinashop. Trust me I have no idea what I just said. Now all I need some space to find 'it'. But someone used to tell me, "Don't go looking for it. It'll eventually come on its own. Don't just sit and wait. A little prayer would help. The next thing you know, whaamp! you got it". Can I trust that advise? Go figure.

Thanks for the Memories

Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use it all means the same thing. Happy. We’re supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, lovers, family. Happy just to be alive. Whether we like it or not. Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful is recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciate small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

If I Knew...

If I knew when's my death,
I'd pray to God to live longer.

If I knew when's my time,
I'd pray not to take it away.

I'm afraid of my sins will haunt me.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to tell you,
Maybe the angel will take me with her;
-- Before I repent.

If I knew that I'm leaving,
I'd say to you how much I miss you;
I want you;
I love you.

If I knew...

Oh, The Guilt!

First, do no harm. As human beings, we pledge to live by this oath. But harm happens. Then guilt happens, and there's no oath for how to deal with that. Guilt never goes anywhere on its own. It brings its friends, doubt and insecurity. Easier said than done. We can take all the oaths in the world but the fact is most of us do harm all the time. Sometimes even when we're trying to help, we do more harm than good. And then the guilt rears its ugly head. What you do with that guilt is entirely up to you.We're left with a choice.Either you can let guilt thrown you back into the behavior that got you in trouble in the first place, or learn from the guilt, and do your best to move on.

What I Am

At some point in life, most people get a sense of who they are as a person, and the kind of people they're going to become. If you ask them they'll tell you. They're going to be a doctor. A lawyer. An architect. An accountant. A Neurosurgeon. What they do for a living do more than describe their areas of expertise, they help define who they are. Because on the outside, reality, not only do most people have no clue who they are, they're afraid to find out. Believe it or not, I was trying to make everything better. Turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing... Sometimes you have to make big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who you really are. I know who I am now. I know what I want.

Wallflower

Tell Me Sweet Lies

In life, I'm forcibly trained to be skeptical because people lie to us all the time. The rule is everyone is a liar until proven honest. Lying is bad or so I was told constantly. Honesty is the best policy. The truth shall set you free. 'I chop down the cherry tree.' or 'I'm fine, just go'. Whatever. The fact is lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth friggin’ hurts. No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it. Eventually the lies reveal themselves. Whether we like it or not. But here’s the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie, and I did..

Cracks

We all go through life like living in hell. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we have done or that has been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can’t even see. We’re all damaged it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood. Then as grown ups we give as good as we get. Ultimately we all do damage. And then we set about the business of fixing. Whatever we can.

If you look closely, you might see someone like you. Someone who's trying to find their way... Someone who's trying to find their place... Someone who's trying to find themselves... Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied or barely getting by, but that feeling’s a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day. Someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in the world, To remind us that it won’t always be this way.That someone is out there and that someone will find you...

Somewhere Inside

Who am I, love?
What am I supposed to be?
One life alone;
Somehow it’s made for me.

One bleeding scar;
Still feels how it used to feel,
It’s all so wrong,
No easy way to believe.

What do I do?
What can I say?
It’s nothing new,
The choice was made.

But what if I lose my way?
And run right into you...
Deep inside we’ll never be anything other than lonely;
Tell me what does it take?
To breathe it into you...
Weak inside we’ll never be anything other than lonely.

I wanna ride,
I wanna hide,
What I’ve become;
-- Now you’re no longer mine,
I wanna feel...
Something that’s real...
Somewhere inside.

Truth about Love/Addiction

In life, we see addiction every day. It's shocking how many kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it was just drugs, booze or cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Too often things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive then compulsive and later on turns to out of control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away. The thing about addiction is it never ends well. Because eventually whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit 'til you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you're there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse... And that's the hardest thing because it's the truth. The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say aloud to really hear for ourselves and sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves.

Great Expectations

No one believes their life will turn out just kind of ok. We all think we're going to be great, and from the day we decide to become who we are now, we are filled with expectation. Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, the difference we will make. Great expectations of who we will be, where we will go, and then we get there. We all think we're going to be great. And we feel robbed when our expectations aren't met. But sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes, the expected pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the unexpected is just what keeps us steady...standing...still. The expected is just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives.