Magic

I  feel great lately. Everything is going smooth the way it is. I thank God for that, Alhamdulillah. I'm thankful with a great job, a better life with family and friends. I hope things would be like this for the next few years or gets even better, InsyaAllah. I'm glad that things are falling into places. I really am. It may be sound a bit pathetic but I believe, losing that one person I thought would always be there for me would make my world fall apart, and now seeing is believing. It made a whole lot of difference. It's true, to gain more, you have to lose at least a few. In my case, you know what I'm talking about. 

At times, I do feel how much it hurts, but it wasn't as bad as before. God knew I have a strong heart. I know I do too. So this is a prove how much better I am from before. This is the new old me. 

Thank you for all the support that I received from all my loved ones. 

It's my time to get up on my own two feet. To be that independent strong woman. 

Thank you. 

p/s: Here's the new me! ;)

Shadows of Ourselves

Choices choices choices.

We always have to make choices in our daily life. Most of us makes the wrong choices but we learned our mistakes with a blink of an eye.

Today, I've questioned myself over and over again am I doing the right thing, making the right choices. Yet, I have no answer for it. I've been staying on my own far too long. Ever since I finished high school. Yes, I'll go back now and then to my parents' place but it will only be for one or two nights. I did stay with them for a year or two but I'm used to it, being on my own.

Now that my father has passed away, I've requested my mom to move in with my uncle. He has a spare room. I don't want her to stay on her own alone. She did for the last 4 months. Trust me, I was so worried about her but unfortunately, I made a choice to let her be on her own and me still living on my own in the city. Am I selfish? You can tell me the truth.

Now she has moved to the city, but I haven't make time to go and see her. What kind of a daughter am I? I still call her but not as often as before. I somehow enjoy the quietness in my life but I feel bad. She's the only parent I have left but I'm still on my own. I don't make time for her. Honestly, I have all the time in the world right now but I realized I'm making excuses.

Shouldn't I make this sacrifice? She's all that I have. Why won't I just stay with her? There are a lot of "what ifs" playing on my mind and I don't want any regrets anymore. I'd love to spend every minute with her but at the same time I'd love this life on my own.

Perhaps I know the answer but I want to hear it from someone. No, it's not perhaps. I do have the answer but I chose to look the other way. I am selfish.

Oh dear heart, please listen to what head is saying. For once, do it right. No more regrets. You definitely do not want to look back and say, "I should've spend more time with her.".

This is me now. I have conversations in my head with myself.

I hope I'm not crazy.

Go Easy Little Doves, I'll Be Fine

It's been awhile I haven't blog.

I don't even know where to start.

I'm very lonely lately. I don't know why do I feel like that. Perhaps it has been a very quiet month (since there hasn't any job/events going on) and I have a place on my own again. I have a lot of time to think. I hate it when my mind wanders around the quiet and dark universe. It's like a little kid going to the playground at night. Dangerous, no?

I've relapsed uncountable times. I thought I could accept the facts that my dad has passed away and no longer around. Unfortunately, it takes time. All these while I've been channeling my sadness through work. I don't have to think about it. I was too afraid to accept that my knight in shining amor is no longer around. Now, that I have a lot of time to think about it, I had my regrets. Lots of it. At one point, I was beating myself too hard that I didn't even visit his grave nor come back home to my mother. I went away.

Everytime I head back home to my mother, I will always be very quiet and lock in my own room. It felt strange to go home where he was always there. Until the 100th day he passed away, I really broke down and cried.

There are 2 important men in my life right now, one is still my ex (you all know who am I talking about) and the other is my boss-slash-my-brother-from-another-parents (no blood ties nor through marriage. He has been a very good friend whom I call family now). They have been very supportive of me. That day, they sort of gave me an "ultimatum".

They told me, there are reasons why my late father used to tell me, " Do not cry when I'm not around anymore". I understood what they were trying to tell me. I don't know how long I would still need time on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm "running away" from reality. I "ran away" from my mom, my family, my siblings, and my friends.

I always thought I could've done more for him. I did. I was there when he needed me the most. I took care of him when no one could. I may not fulfilled his wishes but I did alright. I came out alright. No matter how, I remember where I'm from. He has taught me well. The only wish I didn't fulfill was to be hand away when I'm married. He had a plan. He wanted me to get married. I was so heartbroken at that time and I couldn't accept his idea. All I had was my love for my ex. I could not love anyone else like I loved him. My father understood.

That will always be the saddest day of my life when I get married. My father won't be there to see me walking hand in hand with my husband to be. Not that I have any candidates in mind right now. I do want to get married. Someday. Have a family with someone I know I could spend my life with until the day I die. I'd love that. Unfortunately, I'm too scared to get married. Seeing someone close to me been cheated and go through hell. Unfortunately, I still love my ex, and no one (for now) could be any better than him. Perhaps I never gave anyone chances, but I do believe my time will come.

I've always envy people being so happy. I think I've lost that since my father's passing. I am happy but it is not as before. I've always read my old blog post, "Picture Almost Perfect". That will always bring tears to my eyes.

I don't know even know what I want to sy here anymore.

I'm happy with my job.
I'm happy that I'm in good terms with my ex.

Yet, it's not the same. My biggest puzzle in my life is now gone. I just have to get use to it.

Please go easy on me.. I know I'll be fine..

"I'd trade all my tommorows for a single yesterday." - Janis Joplin

Remembrance

2010 has come to it's end. Another 3 days it's new year. A new year for me to go through it. 2010 has been very challenging for me. I was left on the eve of Valentine's Day, lived through 6 months with the support of my loved ones. With no job, I had to find a way to survive. Until one day in August, my beloved brother, Shamil Yusof rescued me from baking cookies for the entire year. He gave me a job that has always been my passion. I am now one of the Clockwork Events Sdn Bhd crew.

Handling my very own first award event, Nextgen Contentpreneur Awards 2010 was challenging but I've learned a lot from it. On September 6th, my beloved father passed away. That tore me into pieces that no one could ever imagine. Until now, I'm still hurting, trying to move on, and at the same time, my love, came back into my life. Even though we're not together, he has been there for me ever since. I would never regret what ever has happened before. This year has taught me a lot. Words could no describe.

I made new friends through Twitter. I'm thankful I met most of them during the Oct23rd TwtUp. I'm proud to be part of it. It was one of the biggest twtup in Malaysia. They all have given me strength and courage to go through situations, I imagined myself going through it all alone.

Goodbye 2010, may 2011 is a break through for my career, my future, my life. Amin.

"This song means the world to me right now. It gives me strength" - Zara Ismail

Special Kind of Thank You

Through thick and thin you've sticked by me,
You understood,
Without you there,
I would never coped the problems on my own.

Friends come and go,
People like you are hard to find,
Anyone I've ever know,
Couldn't compare to the love that you've shown,
I've always know,
How lucky I am to have you here besides me,

Here I am,
Saying thank you.. 
Deep down from my sincere heart.

Much Love,

Zara Ismail

my beloved orang lama

 my abang bo gondol

my acem

 my ampang clan

 my clockwork crew

 my beloved sisters

 my babies

 my chucky

 my partner in crime

my joker

A Man I called Papa

Papa left us 3 days before Syawal arrived. The day that I published "Picture Almost Perfect", the day I knew things were too good to be true. I would never forget the phone called I received from mama, 7.42pm, 6th September 2010, "Aizura, come back now, papa has passed away..".

I broke down. The first person I called was Danial. Then my siblings. I couldn't believe what I've just heard. It was the most heartbreaking news ever in my entire life. I was in shocked because half an hour before I received the news, I was texting with him, discussing about raya. I was just with him for 2 nights at Mantin and left day before he passed away. I took my parents out, pushed him on his wheel chair. The last I remembered, he kissed me like he would never see me again before I headed back to KL. 

Papa has been one of the best father, great man I've ever known. Though we always have our disagreements, I've always been a daddy's girl. The man I normally cry to, where I can lean and share my worries with him. He has always been a strong man. Papa is an honest man. I remembered I gave him to hold me an old five ringgit note, and he still has it in his wallet. Papa might be fierce, but I know it was for the best to all of us. 

Until now, I can't stop these tears. I know I have not provided him the best nor be the best daughter any father would have asked for, but I did my best, and i'm thankful and grateful to know from mama that I made him happy during his last days. It has been 11 days, yet I felt it was yesterday he has passed. There are no regrets, just happiness I had with him. I shall celebrate his life, his joy, his happiness. 

Now, I'm taking up my responsibilities towards my mother. The only parent I have left.

I dedicate my life to you, papa.. Thank you for everything you've taught me. You've raised me well. Your passing is a blessing in disguise, May Allah place you in heaven, where all the angels are. InsyaAllah.

Ismail bin Hamzah ( 7th MAY 1951 - 6th SEPTEMBER 2010)

I LOVE YOU PAPA FOREVER AND ALWAYS

Al - Fatihah

Fall from the Star

This is a story about someone I truly love. Someone who has been in my life for the past 26 years. I love her so much that I wish I could give the world, the universe, everything to her. Just for her happiness. I may not show much affection towards her before this. She has always been there for me. She's my happy pill. She's an angel that has fallen from the star.

For the past 9 years, she has gone through something that no woman should have. I'm not going to say here outloud what had happened to her. Whenever I see her down, my heart cries out for her, yet, I have to stay strong. For her. For the kids. She and the kids are the love of my life. I can't really go on a day without talking to her. I know she's hurting inside. I've always and will pray that happiness will come for her.

What ever that makes her happy, I'll accept it. No matter who made her. No matter what made her.

Nana,

If I could change everything for you, I would. If I could meet up with God and ask him personally what did you do to deserve all these? I would. But I can't. All I can is to be next to you no matter what happen. All I can is to pray for your happiness. Because you're one and only sister that I have. Dunia, akhirat. I love you Ainur Nelisa Ismail. You're angel of my life, that fall from the star. I love you..

Love always,
Zara Ismail

Damage Case

We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we have done or that has been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can’t even see. We’re all damaged it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood. Then as grown ups we give as good as we get. Ultimately we all do damage. And then we set about the business of fixing.

Early Review of 2010

Where shall I start?

2010...

January has been good to me but towards the end of it, starting first week of February, eveything fell apart. My car was filled with water. Well, quarter of it. I was then violated by someone whom I trusted. Days later, I was snatched. One hell of weekend. I was too traumatized until I was too scared to be alone. Thankfully, I have my beloved boyfriend who's there for me. Even my sister too. I shall never forget that. My mind was fucked up. Until now I can't get rid of those visions. The feeling of insecurity. Please be careful my dear friends and readers.

I became very clingy to my sister, my bestfriend and my boyfriend. I don't know how to step up again. After series of unfortunate events, I hope I can be stronger. I'm learning to step up. I hate being alone still. At first, I was all okay. I can chill by myself. Now, I'm bit paranoid. Seconds, God took all my confidence away. I did resent him. But just for that moment. I thought I've lot my faith. I didn't. Thankfully.

Morale of the story, do not trust people though they seems nice, be aware of your surroundings.

Have a pleasant day me readers and friends.

Cheers!

Twenty-Something

Ok, I haven't blog for awhile so please excuse me.

I can't believe in 2 days time I'm gonna be 25 years old. That's quarter century old. Damn! I feel old. I have been sitting down and think a lot lately. Why I've changed so much. Well, I figured it out after talking to a mutual friend of mine. I'm not the same girl like I used to. I hardly go out and I CHOOSE who I wanna go out with. I feel insecure. Funneh.

I have to admit, partly it's because of work. Then the responsibilities are piling up. Damn! Can't I just be 21 again?

These are the worries I've been thinking that made me depressed:-
1. Work - salary issues
2. Household - money issues
3. Parents - money and time issues
4. Relationship - time and past issues
5. Friendship - time, money and past issues.

I think that's about it.

Haha, Having quarter life crisis is very very not interesting. Oh well.

But this is what I'll achieve soon:-
1. Stable job
2. Driving license
3. Car

All insyaAllah by end of the year... :)

Happy Birthday to me in advanced!

I'm not Alone.

I'm blessed.

I have my knight in shining amour to be there for me.

I have my friends who are there for me.

I have my family who are there for me.

I'm thankful.

Scars and Souvenirs

In life, only one thing is certain...apart from death and taxes...no matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You're going to hurt people. You're going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover... There's really only one thing you can say. Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It's good advice, but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us...we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled...old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget.

"Doing things, changes things. By not doing things, leave things the way they were.." - Dr. Gregory House.

Heartache Every Moment

Isn't it easy to fall in love? It's easy to fall out of love too. Sometimes, I wonder why do we need love? Why do we search for "the one"? I'm afraid to go into one, but yet, I never fail to feel it. I hate what happened to my sister. Another fail marriage with 3 kids. How wonderful is that?

Then why do God create love when you actually have to fight for it? To appreciate it? I doubt it. To test us in faith? I doubt it. We have the best example ever. MJ, king of pop passed away 3 days ago, it's been awhile not listening to his songs, yet, after he left us, the world mourns for him. Playing his songs. No offence but this is human, you fall out love, you fall in love. Once you've lost the loved ones, then you'll appreciate it.

Why can't we all change? Change it all. Appreciate them while they are there, right in front of you. Have faith in them. Don't stop loving them. But like Shinzu said, " Life is full of shit.. ".

" To tell them you love them while they can hear you.." - quoted in Grey's Anatomy; It's not hard to say those words. I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU. These words mean a lot. Appreciate those people around you. Family, friends, spouse, colleagues and whoever around you.

Stop breaking hearts.

-- Rest in peace Michael Jackson ; 1958 - 2009.

Suicide or Song

Sorrow rebuild me as I step out of the light,
Misery strengthen me as I say my goodbyes...

I heal my wounds with grief;
-- And dream of you,
And weep myself alive...

Serendipity

I'm a mother of 3.
I'm blessed.

I love them like my own kids. I've never thought I'd be as happy as I am right now. I'm proud of them. I'm doing my best to give what they want. But, has anyone question me what I want?

I think my boys can go far.. If only they can see what I'm doing for them. Whenever they're on the stage, I feel like crying. I fell in love with them. No matter how tired or sad I am, whenever I see them fooling around or even making fun of me, it warms my heart. Now, I know how does my mom feels.

All I pray is to be together with them for a long time. I love my kids, they are my new family.

Brave New World

Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January.Our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of New Year resolutions.Put your past behind you and start over. It’s hard to resist the chance of a new beginning. A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not a day on a calendar. Not a birthday, not a new year. It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope.A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But it’s also important to remember that amid all the crap, there are a few things really worth holding on to.

It's been awhile. I've been busy. Not dead. Still breathing.

Tasks:-

• Managing Bunkface - shows back to back (been a crazy month for me)
• Running events at Lepaq (finally quits and 26th Dec 08 was my last gig)
• Running my own company (finally registered and doing a few projects with my partner, Meor Ezarim)
• Spending time with my bestfriend, Atie and my dearest sister, Nelly (both going through hard time)
• Saving my "companionship" (in a way, since both him and I are busy, we hardly spend time together and mostly it's about work and I totally forgot how does it feels)

By today, midnight, it's 2009. I don't really have a long list for resolutions, but I do know what I want.

Goals:-

• Making sure my babies, hence, Bunkface, grow to the next level - Sunburst KL, Melbourne, Singapore, Indonesia.
• My company ; READY STEADY GO EVENTS, do lots of events 
• Malaysian Festival in Melbourne - 3rd October 2009 (gift for my 25th birthday)
• Still breathing
• Happy with him

It's gonna be a brave new world out there for me. InsyaAllah. I've been waiting for these moments. InsyaAllah, I'm gonna make it through.. 

Happy New Year folks! May all your dreams come true.. I do.

Welcome 2009, Goodbye 2008.

Zara Ismail

Save me

You know how when you were a kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming, who'd carry you away to a castle on a hill. You'd lie in bed at night and close your eyes, and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close, you could taste them. But eventually, you grow up.

One day you open your eyes, and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely. Cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well...it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that it's happily ever after. Just that it's happy right now. Once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while...people may even take your breath away.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word..

sometimes i'm just tired to say sorry over and over and over again.
sometimes i'm just too upset but i'd still say i'm sorry.
sometimes i just wonder why and what i'm sorry for.
sometimes i just hate that sorry words.
sometimes i just want to cry because when i said i'm sorry but people never seem to care.
sometimes i think that sorry is just an excuse.
sometimes saying sorry is the hardest thing to say.

" Just say you're sorry.. Say it sincerely.. "

My Favorite Mistake

People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories...diagrams of all their old wounds.Most of our old wounds heal leaving nothing behind but a scar, but some of them don't.Some wounds we carry with us everywhere...and though the cuts long gone...What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful...or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did.Maybe our old wounds teach us something...they remind us of where we've been and what we've overcome.But that's not the way it is, is it? Somethings, we just have to learn over and over and over again.

And that is my favorite mistake. Learning over and over again. Becoming someone's pain in the ass and said sorry for more than God knows. For example you're in The Amazing Race,each contestants always have a plan, where to go, when to go, yada yada yada. But even with the best plans, complications can arise, things can arise and suddenly you're caught with your pants down. The thing about plans is...they don't take into account the unexpected. So, when we're thrown a curve ball, whether it's in the race, or in life. We have to improvise [which I've been telling myself over and over and over again]. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to Plan B and make the best of it. And sometimes...what we want...is exactly...what we need. But sometimes...Sometimes what we need is a new plan. And I need it.

Thanks for the Memories

Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use it all means the same thing. Happy. We’re supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, lovers, family. Happy just to be alive. Whether we like it or not. Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful is recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciate small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.