Walking After You

Lately I've been thinking of you. I kept on counting the times we've been apart. It hurts. I felt you walk away from my life. I felt, you left for good. I felt I was nothing.

I want to be happy for you but I'm still hurt. After all we've been through. it seems that you easily let me go. I was looking forward for Foo Fighters. I knew that was the only time I can be with you again among thousands of people sharing the same feeling watching one of our favourite band. That was how bad I miss you. Enough to share that moment even we'd be apart.

I don't know how to let go. I want to have you still in my life. You played a big role in my life. Even when I'm doing very good now with every other things in life I've dreamt for, it's not complete. You are not here for me to share it with.

Seems that you've finally let me go officially. Thanks Valentine.

Here's for you. My gift for you.

"I cannot be without you, matter of fact... I'm on your back"

Zara Ismail

First Love, You Are My Love

It took me 4 years, to realized, he is my first love. I thought I've experienced it. Truth is, I'm experiencing it now. That's the reason I've been hurting so much. It is this love that grow me maturedly slowly. It is this love that I've learned a lot, about life, family, friends, work and of course, love.

I've dated a lot of men, but never in my life, been so hard to let go. I thought the guy who came back into my life after 10 years was my first love but he was just a high school crush. Another guy I've dated for 3 years, he was my first long term relationship but he wasn't the one who took my breath away. He taught me about jealousy and trained me to be faithful and loyal.

Later on, after 4 years, fighting with the forces of nature, I realized, this man, right now in my life is my first love. No wonder it took me this long to let him go. I am afraid of losing the person who taught me a lot of things in my life. Who has never gave up on me. What I didn't realized, this man has given me more than I needed. It's time to let go and grow on my own.

It hurts when I typed each and every word right now. Deep down inside, I know I have to do what I should have done a long time ago. I never have the guts to do it because I might regret it. I know love will find the way back into my heart.

Thank you my first love for the most beautiful 4 years of my life. No words could describe how grateful and thankful I am to have you in my life.

Take care and I will always love you.

Music of My Heart..

You'll never know
What you've done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul...

You'll never know
The gift you've given me..
I'll carry it with me

Through the days ahead
I think of days before
You made me hope for something better (yes you did)
And made me reach for something more

You were the one
Always on my side
Always standing by
Seeing me through

You were the song that always made me sing
I'm singing this for you

Everywhere I go
I think of where I've been
And of the one who knew me better
Than anyone ever will again

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love...
Is the music of my heart.. 

You're the music of my heart sayang.. 

I'm the luckiest girl to have you as my bestfriend..

Thank you for everything..

love always,

Zara Ismail

Hope for Someone..

The best thing about being in a relationship is to feel loved and needed and importantly, being complete. There's purpose in life. If you ever notice, people who isn't in a relationship most of the time they made themselves busy with their hobby or work. If, not, they'll be staying all alone. Do you want to come back to an empty place? Having a pet is just another substitute. Love is important to everyone. It keeps you alive. When you don't have that love inside of you, you're a robot.

Love can be a disaster too. Depends on how you show the love. Don't be obsessed or possessive. That's not love. Jealous? it's good to feel it but just don't let it control you.

Nowadays, I've observed my loved ones relationships, including mine. Our generation do not understand the meaning of real love. What is real love?

For me, I've observed my parents unconditionally love. They love each other no matter what their flaws are like. They stick through ups and downs. For better and worse, til death do them part. That's true love. They commit with each there irregardlessly how bad either one's condition and characteristic

For example, my mother is one of the most patience lady I've came to know. How she deal with my hot tempered father til the end of his last breath. They managed to celebrated their 28th anniversary before he passed away 3 days of syawal.

During the past few weeks before my dad passed away, he has admitted what he has done wrong to her and to tell her, she's the best wife he has married to. To be patient with him, to take care of him day and night while he was sick, to bath him when he can't walk (paralysed for a year), to give birth to me. Even when there were other women came by an offered to be his second wife, he truly declined. He doesn't want to make those mistakes as he did in the past. He also reminded my mom not to remarried as in our religious, the last wife will be the fairy that'll accompany him on the other side.

My mother is a very strong woman. I only see her shed tears once, at my dad's grave during first day of raya. All she said, he's happier there. When I asked her, don't you ever miss him? All she answered, "I pray for him everyday.." and that's enough.

I'd like to have that love. The love that my parents had. Someday..

Love Hurts

My friend has made me write what I need and want in and from a relationship. Truth is, I wanted a fairy tale ending or something close to it. (I'm a sucker for romance). Being in a relationship or having one is very important to me. It made me feel complete and whole. It made me stronger and I see life very beautiful, though most of my relationship was fake, major fucked up.

Comes along the perfect guy for me. Eccentric and Smart. Unfortunately, he doesn't see nor feel what I had seen and felt it, and I love him unconditionally, until now. It has been 4 years and no one has ever made an impression how this guy did. How he turned my world upside down, an adventure for better and worse. Even though we're not together now, I still feel lucky to have him by my side. Words could not describe.

Recently, a friend of mine had a bad break up. Listening to his story made me feel sadder. Not because they broke up, but because man like my friend is not easy to come by. To give his love, heart wholly to her. I trully know how he felt, because, I too, gave my heart wholly to a man. Yet, I was rejected.

It is true, you can never get what you want. For me, to grow old and have a beautiful life together. 

Tragedy.

If my time is up, I'd pray to die in the arms of my other half, how my dad passed away in my mother's arms.

True love.

Fairy tales

Have you ever fall in love and you knew you loved that person way before you met them? Have you?

Well, I did. I fell for someone a long time ago. I knew it sounds crazy but that's the truth. I've always wanted to be with that somebody but I didn't know when or how. When I finally meet that guy, I knew it was right. Both head and heart was agreeing it with me. I've met tons of men. Dated most of them, and no one can make me feel how right it was.

It felt surreal. It felt like I was dreaming.. and I don't ever want to wake up. Reality slaps you in the face. Actually, reality slapped me real hard. Nothing in life comes as easy as we thought it would be. I had to work on it. Learning my mistakes over and over. No relationship is as perfect as a fairy tale.

I'm the type of girl (I'd like to call myself as a girl not just a lady. I'm 26 years old now and yes, I do have that little girl in me) who believes in fairy tale, love, happy ending. The hardest part was to face reality and grow up. When I met this boy (he is a boy at heart), he was that guy I fell for before I met him. Now, he is a grown man. I'm proud to call him as a man because he grew up. He had taught me a lot of things and he has been my guardian angel.

It's true that it's hard to admit that we're wrong. I did. I admitted my mistakes. All I wanted was to make him as how me made me. He completes me. We're only human and we tend to make mistakes most of the time. Different new ones. Me? I kept on repeating it. It took me awhile to realize it, to admit it, to talk about it. I think what I've told him on the eve of 2011, was the right thing to do. I'm proud of myself to finally let it out.

Until now, I love him with all my heart. I don't know how he felt towards me besides cared about me. There's only thing I believe, I believe how and what I feel. And that feeling of loving that somebody and that person is right for you, is still there.

Just don't give up. Have faith. It'll come to that time.

Don't let go of love. Everyone is made for one another.

xx Zara Ismail xx

Hesitate

The human heart is a scary part in fact
'Cause I could break you and you could break me back
Though my head says just forget it
You'll get hurt and you'll regret it
Ask me now and I won't hesitate

So many cards that never leave the deck
There comes a time when you have to place your bets
and I've never been a gambling person
But if you want to see my hand
Ask me now and I won't hesitate

I thought about it long and hard today
I realized I'm standing in our way
Usually my judgement's better
But with your black eyes, hey whatever
Ask me now and I won't hesitate

'Cause I'm fearful of heights and you take me higher
What came with you was a view to admire
I've always been the kind to contemplate
But you like the kind that don't hesitate 

Excuse me while I fall for you...

The End

"It's funny how that one person you always use to talk to and have meaningful conversations with you is now a complete stranger and act like they never knew in the first place..."

 Zara Ismail

Sometimes I Wonder

Today, is one of those days that I'm in a loving mode.

I miss that particular someone. He knew I exist but he never knew how I felt.

My head is singing Car Crash Heart's single "Sometimes I Wonder".. It's good song.

and so, I wonder... ;)

Short story

I loved him.

I have always had.

I still do.

Heartache Every Moment

Isn't it easy to fall in love? It's easy to fall out of love too. Sometimes, I wonder why do we need love? Why do we search for "the one"? I'm afraid to go into one, but yet, I never fail to feel it. I hate what happened to my sister. Another fail marriage with 3 kids. How wonderful is that?

Then why do God create love when you actually have to fight for it? To appreciate it? I doubt it. To test us in faith? I doubt it. We have the best example ever. MJ, king of pop passed away 3 days ago, it's been awhile not listening to his songs, yet, after he left us, the world mourns for him. Playing his songs. No offence but this is human, you fall out love, you fall in love. Once you've lost the loved ones, then you'll appreciate it.

Why can't we all change? Change it all. Appreciate them while they are there, right in front of you. Have faith in them. Don't stop loving them. But like Shinzu said, " Life is full of shit.. ".

" To tell them you love them while they can hear you.." - quoted in Grey's Anatomy; It's not hard to say those words. I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU. These words mean a lot. Appreciate those people around you. Family, friends, spouse, colleagues and whoever around you.

Stop breaking hearts.

-- Rest in peace Michael Jackson ; 1958 - 2009.

He's just NOT that into you

I read the book, I saw the movie. Here's my experience.

1. If he said he'll call you but he didn't - NOT INTERESTED
2. If he said he'll see you in a bit but cancelled the last minute - NOT INTERESTED
3. If he's sleeping with someone else while going out with you - NOT INTERESTED
4. If he said that he broke up with his girlfriend and told you that you're hot - JUST WANT TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS
5. If he said he has a girlfriend and still going out with you - NOT INTERESTED and JUST WANT TO GET INTO YOUT PANTS
6. If he said he'll be your friend after a few date - NOT INTERESTED
7. If he said he's not into marriage - NOT INTERESTED
8. If he said he wants to continue the relationship just as partner - NOT INTERESTED
9. If he said nice meeting you and hug after a date - NOT INTERESTED
10. If he takes your number and NOT call you more than a week - NOT INTERESTED

Well, that's more than enough. Been through it all. Lesson taken. Unfortunately, I'm always attracted to selfish bastards. It's a good book though. Something I learned and would love to pass it down to the readers. :)

All the best in finding Mr. Right.

Delicate

Here I am at Melaka.

Being an anti social. I just want to be alone. Sulking.

I finally know what's missing..

Shadows of Ourselves

Mechanical heart where are your batteries ?
Lost in a world totally stranger
What is the reason for all these lies
We don't have the right to withdraw anymore

What is this intoxication that pulls us
From where come all these words that attack me
Incomplete pleasures that bewitch me
We don't have the right to close these doors anymore

I do not have time to panic
To save us from ourselves

Tired of being sorry

I don't know why
You want to follow me tonight
When the rest of the world
With whom I've crossed and I've quarreled
Let's me down so
For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

So far away - so outer space
I've trashed myself - I've lost my way
I'm standing in the street
Crying out for you
No one sees me
But the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

Only you

I tried to calm this sadness in my heart,
Pictures of you walking away;
Memories of you lingering around my mind.

Story of the past,
Story of you and me,
Memories.

I shouldn't have let you go,
I'm dying inside.
When would this pain go away?
Only you can help
Only you are capable.

(circa 2005)

Love?

-- What is love?

Love can be anything. Love is God, love is art, love is music, and the list goes on. That depends on each invidividual; how they define love; what they understand about love. But for me... What is love?

Love is blind. Love is a virus; a sickness. Love is hell. Love kills me. I used to believe in it. Now, I don't. I love and love and love, at the end of the day, I got hurt. Again and again and again... I'm tired of chasing these futile hopes. The more I love, the more it breaks me. I am vulnerable now because of it. I've stopped searching for it. "Maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong.."

Munajat Cinta

Tonight I'm still all alone...
--As usual.
Like those nights before this.

This heart of mine is empty and sad.

"Tuhan kirimkanlah aku..."

Love Always

Day dreaming of you..
-- Please leave me.
It's unbearable;
Can't have you.

Tried living my days with someone new,
But my heart belongs to you..


"Why is this happening to me?
Tuhan maafkan diri ini.."

Cause I still love him...

Closer to me <3

Constantly you're on my mind
And I think about you all of the time
And even though words are hard to say
I miss you, never thought I'd feel this way..

Nobody's there when I call your name,
And nights are cold without your flame.

Every day reminisce with the past
Of a love that I thought would last.
How we used to be when it was you and me.
How did it all disappear so fast?
There are days that I can't forget
There are things that I now regret.
I was there for you when you were there for me, and I was thinking we were set.
Every night when I'm laying in my bed
I hear your voice going round in my head, think of all the things I could have done and all those things I could have said.
--It took time but now Ive realised how much I'm missing you.
Everyday you're closer to me.

Thank you. For still being here.

" You're still a part of everything I do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo,I'll always have you.."-Jordan Sparks [Tattoo]