Go Easy Little Doves, I'll Be Fine

It's been awhile I haven't blog.

I don't even know where to start.

I'm very lonely lately. I don't know why do I feel like that. Perhaps it has been a very quiet month (since there hasn't any job/events going on) and I have a place on my own again. I have a lot of time to think. I hate it when my mind wanders around the quiet and dark universe. It's like a little kid going to the playground at night. Dangerous, no?

I've relapsed uncountable times. I thought I could accept the facts that my dad has passed away and no longer around. Unfortunately, it takes time. All these while I've been channeling my sadness through work. I don't have to think about it. I was too afraid to accept that my knight in shining amor is no longer around. Now, that I have a lot of time to think about it, I had my regrets. Lots of it. At one point, I was beating myself too hard that I didn't even visit his grave nor come back home to my mother. I went away.

Everytime I head back home to my mother, I will always be very quiet and lock in my own room. It felt strange to go home where he was always there. Until the 100th day he passed away, I really broke down and cried.

There are 2 important men in my life right now, one is still my ex (you all know who am I talking about) and the other is my boss-slash-my-brother-from-another-parents (no blood ties nor through marriage. He has been a very good friend whom I call family now). They have been very supportive of me. That day, they sort of gave me an "ultimatum".

They told me, there are reasons why my late father used to tell me, " Do not cry when I'm not around anymore". I understood what they were trying to tell me. I don't know how long I would still need time on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm "running away" from reality. I "ran away" from my mom, my family, my siblings, and my friends.

I always thought I could've done more for him. I did. I was there when he needed me the most. I took care of him when no one could. I may not fulfilled his wishes but I did alright. I came out alright. No matter how, I remember where I'm from. He has taught me well. The only wish I didn't fulfill was to be hand away when I'm married. He had a plan. He wanted me to get married. I was so heartbroken at that time and I couldn't accept his idea. All I had was my love for my ex. I could not love anyone else like I loved him. My father understood.

That will always be the saddest day of my life when I get married. My father won't be there to see me walking hand in hand with my husband to be. Not that I have any candidates in mind right now. I do want to get married. Someday. Have a family with someone I know I could spend my life with until the day I die. I'd love that. Unfortunately, I'm too scared to get married. Seeing someone close to me been cheated and go through hell. Unfortunately, I still love my ex, and no one (for now) could be any better than him. Perhaps I never gave anyone chances, but I do believe my time will come.

I've always envy people being so happy. I think I've lost that since my father's passing. I am happy but it is not as before. I've always read my old blog post, "Picture Almost Perfect". That will always bring tears to my eyes.

I don't know even know what I want to sy here anymore.

I'm happy with my job.
I'm happy that I'm in good terms with my ex.

Yet, it's not the same. My biggest puzzle in my life is now gone. I just have to get use to it.

Please go easy on me.. I know I'll be fine..

"I'd trade all my tommorows for a single yesterday." - Janis Joplin

The Truth

It's been awhile I blog. Last night I finally broke down, yet, no one manage to see it. I tried so hard to be as strong as my mom. I couldn't. I miss my dad so badly. At times, when I dialed my dad's number, I wish it was him that would pick up the phone. I miss talking to him. I miss coming back home to him. I just miss him too much that it hurts inside.

I am thankful my mom is still around but, for how long? Whenever she sleeps, I just stare at her, to make sure she's still breathing. I've lost my dad, I can't afford to lose my mom. I guess it's one of those days I'm feeling so down.

I just wish things were back to normal. Everyone lives. I could never get over the facts that dad has left us. As much as I would like to celebrate his life, part of me died with I received the news of his death. My life would never be the same, without him.

"I miss you pa.. I really do."

A Man I called Papa

Papa left us 3 days before Syawal arrived. The day that I published "Picture Almost Perfect", the day I knew things were too good to be true. I would never forget the phone called I received from mama, 7.42pm, 6th September 2010, "Aizura, come back now, papa has passed away..".

I broke down. The first person I called was Danial. Then my siblings. I couldn't believe what I've just heard. It was the most heartbreaking news ever in my entire life. I was in shocked because half an hour before I received the news, I was texting with him, discussing about raya. I was just with him for 2 nights at Mantin and left day before he passed away. I took my parents out, pushed him on his wheel chair. The last I remembered, he kissed me like he would never see me again before I headed back to KL. 

Papa has been one of the best father, great man I've ever known. Though we always have our disagreements, I've always been a daddy's girl. The man I normally cry to, where I can lean and share my worries with him. He has always been a strong man. Papa is an honest man. I remembered I gave him to hold me an old five ringgit note, and he still has it in his wallet. Papa might be fierce, but I know it was for the best to all of us. 

Until now, I can't stop these tears. I know I have not provided him the best nor be the best daughter any father would have asked for, but I did my best, and i'm thankful and grateful to know from mama that I made him happy during his last days. It has been 11 days, yet I felt it was yesterday he has passed. There are no regrets, just happiness I had with him. I shall celebrate his life, his joy, his happiness. 

Now, I'm taking up my responsibilities towards my mother. The only parent I have left.

I dedicate my life to you, papa.. Thank you for everything you've taught me. You've raised me well. Your passing is a blessing in disguise, May Allah place you in heaven, where all the angels are. InsyaAllah.

Ismail bin Hamzah ( 7th MAY 1951 - 6th SEPTEMBER 2010)

I LOVE YOU PAPA FOREVER AND ALWAYS

Al - Fatihah

Angel of Death

No more hopes
No more dreams
My heart is broken
It's all because of Him

Angel of death
come and take me
Let it be the last breath
I just want to be free

I see rainbows and butterflies
I know it's all lies
Drain me from these pain
It's driving me insane

This is my pray. I lost all hope, all faith. I'm so tired of being so sad, all the time.

Friendship

What is friendship? This is what I get from Wikipedia (I'm a lazy bum so I search online; easier.)

Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more beings. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them.

So here I am, sitting, wondering, what actually went wrong with my "close" friends. I do know friends come and go through stages. There are friends from your childhood, kindergarten, primary school, high school, college, work and some others, you got to know them through other people.

me with Arwah Shai/"madu"

I went through all those stages. I've gained and lost lots of them. Just recently, I lost another one.. He was my best friend's boyfriend of 4 years. I called him my "madu". That's because I gotta share her with him.. He has always been a good guy and at times, yes he can be a jerk but most of the time, he did take care of me as well. He passed away last 2 weeks, motorbike accident. A tragic one. I never got a chance to say goodbye to him. The last 4 years, they were together, I was with them. I saw their ups and downs, we actually shared it together. I remembered the 1st time they were together, how they got together, in a way, I help them as well. I gave my best friend's number to him. But I wasn't there for my best friend, before his last breath. I never got a chance to say goodbye.

It reminded me, another close friend of mine who passed away 4 years ago. She was my schoolmate. We sat together in class. After highschool, we went our separate ways and I got really busy and before she passed away, she did try to call me, and like what had happened, I never got a chance to say goodbye.

I still have few close friends, but this particular someone, who's actually pissed at me quietly. Until now she's not talking to me, for I know nothing about it. If I've never say this before to you, here I am, thanking you for what you've done to me, been there for and with me, thank you so much. You're still very dear to me. Maybe work got in between us. But whatever it is, I really appreciate you. The very 1st time I knew you until now. I'm sorry if I ever done or say wrongly to you. Oh, hell. it's friendship.

For the readers, don't you ever take your own sweet time to tell your friends that you love them. Thank them. Don't wait for any occasion. It might be too late. I've never felt so sad until now. Even now I'm crying thinking what I've not do or say to them..This is such a painful lesson in life..



Rest in peace my good friends, Shaiful Hannan (1985-2008) & Vicky Andayani (1984-2004) Al-Fatihah...