November Rain

It's raining heavily for the past one week or two.. It seems like it knows that my heart is pouring heavily inside too. Somehow, it finally hits me. Why now?

I started the last 2 months perfectly fine. Now, I'm feeling that hurt. I get angry, but I know, the more I resent, I'll hurt more. I tried to live as normal as possible, enduring the new changes in my life, following the flow, but somehow, it seems temporary. I might be laughing and smiling among friends, but when I'm all alone, it gets really quiet and lonely. That's when I feel the big void. I avoid seeing the people we knew. I put courage going to places where we used to go. But when I'm home, it feels empty.
How long more will it rain?

Dear November, be good to me. I promise you that I'll be good too. Let me go through this rain with head held up high, because I deserved it.

I am that strong independent woman.
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When The Rain Falls...

I often think of you, nights like this became more lonely. Wondering how you are and whether you miss or ever think of me.. Some nights are sleepless. I hate it when I miss you. I know what we chose was the best but somehow, my heart yearns for you even when I fight not to. I often imagine how happy you are without me. Especially being with someone else whom I knew who did take your heart away. I have a lot of questions to ask but I kept on dismissed it away. I don't want to get hurt by my own thinking. I wish there were still hope and chances to make things better but deep inside I knew it was over. You are my first TRUE love. I never thought I would feel so deeply towards someone and he was the one that wasn't meant for me, that got away even he was the greatest thing that ever happened in my life..

Things weren't the same anymore. Life wasn't as interesting as it was but I hope yours filled with happiness and joy because all I want for you is to be happy even at times I wish you weren't. To love is to sacrifice.. That I've learned from you. Thank you for a great lesson. Be well my love. You deserved it.

With lots of love,
Aizura Nur Ismail.
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Magic

I  feel great lately. Everything is going smooth the way it is. I thank God for that, Alhamdulillah. I'm thankful with a great job, a better life with family and friends. I hope things would be like this for the next few years or gets even better, InsyaAllah. I'm glad that things are falling into places. I really am. It may be sound a bit pathetic but I believe, losing that one person I thought would always be there for me would make my world fall apart, and now seeing is believing. It made a whole lot of difference. It's true, to gain more, you have to lose at least a few. In my case, you know what I'm talking about. 

At times, I do feel how much it hurts, but it wasn't as bad as before. God knew I have a strong heart. I know I do too. So this is a prove how much better I am from before. This is the new old me. 

Thank you for all the support that I received from all my loved ones. 

It's my time to get up on my own two feet. To be that independent strong woman. 

Thank you. 

p/s: Here's the new me! ;)

My Precious

Today is my 27th birthday. Another year has pass me by. Second celebration without dad around and the first without him. I never thought I'd be okay, but I am fine. Even though deep inside, I miss them both, they would always be in my heart..

Papa, last 25 birthdays that we've celebrated together, means a lot to me. This year, it will be more meaningful to me. I hope you're watching me from up there as I grew older.

Mama, thanks for giving birth to me.. You're a mother that I used to take for granted, and I shall not from now onwards. I'm sorry for all the things I've done.

To my siblings, we may have our love-hate relationship but blood is thicker than water and I love you both no matter what. I'm glad you're my elder siblings.

DR, last 3 birthdays has been a wonderful and lovely. Even last 4 years we've spent together.. I still keep those gifts you gave me. Thanks for the memories.

My friends, who knew me for the past 27 years of my life.. Thank you for being there.

I love you all..

Alhamdulillah..

I'm grateful to God for sending me these people in my life.

Here's to a great start. A new beginning. Happy birthday Aizura Nur Ismail / Zara Ismail. You're blessed. I am. :)
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Life As It Is

I've started my new life. I'm blessed that I still have people who cares about me. I'm thankful I've met a few strangers who could guide me. I was scared to get close to the people around me because I always put high expectations.

Someone told me, "Changing is a lifelong process.". I really want to change. I want to change for the best. Learning mistakes what I've done in the past and owning it up. It takes courage to face oneself. It takes courage to put trust in oneself. It takes courage to be honest with oneself.

To undo the mistakes, its impossible and not. Some mistakes we can undo it, some mistakes not at all. Those that we can't undo it, we learned it, figure how to make things better. There are a lot of ways to resolve it and to resolve it, we have to not follow our emotions or heart. That was and still my fatal flaws. Never think carefully, rationally, logically.

We are still learning to get to know ourselves. Sometimes, I'm quite surprised with myself. I knew the old me, the person who used to be strong hearted and independent is still inside of me. I just shoved her away. I will be that person again. That is the real me. I hope she will come back soon.

Life has its own way teaching us new things, meeting new people. I do not want to give up anymore. I should not. I should be grateful for the things happened in my life. I now believe, why God kept on making me go through these rough roads, because He knows I can face it.

When there's a will, there's a way. Before loving someone else, I need to love myself. I have to. That's how much I owed myself.

Here's to a new start, a new beginning.


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First Love, You Are My Love

It took me 4 years, to realized, he is my first love. I thought I've experienced it. Truth is, I'm experiencing it now. That's the reason I've been hurting so much. It is this love that grow me maturedly slowly. It is this love that I've learned a lot, about life, family, friends, work and of course, love.

I've dated a lot of men, but never in my life, been so hard to let go. I thought the guy who came back into my life after 10 years was my first love but he was just a high school crush. Another guy I've dated for 3 years, he was my first long term relationship but he wasn't the one who took my breath away. He taught me about jealousy and trained me to be faithful and loyal.

Later on, after 4 years, fighting with the forces of nature, I realized, this man, right now in my life is my first love. No wonder it took me this long to let him go. I am afraid of losing the person who taught me a lot of things in my life. Who has never gave up on me. What I didn't realized, this man has given me more than I needed. It's time to let go and grow on my own.

It hurts when I typed each and every word right now. Deep down inside, I know I have to do what I should have done a long time ago. I never have the guts to do it because I might regret it. I know love will find the way back into my heart.

Thank you my first love for the most beautiful 4 years of my life. No words could describe how grateful and thankful I am to have you in my life.

Take care and I will always love you.

That Woman

One woman loves you..
That woman loves you wholeheartedly
She follows you around like a shadow everyday
That woman is laughing and crying...


Just how much more do I have to gaze at you alone?
This love that came like the wind, 
This love like a beggar.
If I continue this way, will you love me?
Just come a little nearer..a little more..

If I take one step closer to you, then you take two steps back.
I who love you am next to you now.
That woman is crying.


That woman now is very careful
Therefore, to learning a method of smile
Even can not talk with best friend … too much
So the woman’s heart is always crying
So that woman…is loving you…
Such a fool. 


Because it is such a fool
Can you hug me?
I also want to be loved, my dear
Day by day in my heart, only in my heart…
Just like this calling you

That woman, is still in your side
That woman… is me, do you know ?
Or You know it but still act like this ?
You really do not know,because you´re a big fool …

Go

This is going to be another celebration that I want to celebrate. I don't find raya the same as before. It hits me hard. I thought I've accepted my father's death but deep inside it hurts. Something that I wouldn't want to feel. The feeling of loss. There are so much I want to share but somehow I don't know to write out how I feel inside. I don't want to fall apart. I'm trying to pick up myself. I'd like to walk away from everything. Everytime I look at those meds I have, I intended to just swallow it all and never wake up. I don't know how long I can bare the pain that I've buried inside.

I just don't know.

I just want to go.

Remember Me This Way

Remember me as the way I once lived. I've changed in so many ways. I am here because of you. I am breathing because you never gave up on me. When you left, nothing is the same anymore. Even when you leave for a little while.

Remember me as I was once alive. I hope I've touched your heart, life and soul. I may have hurt you in a way, but remember that I've always apologize and will apologize until I stopped breathing. Even when you leave for a while, I'm sorry if I've hurt you in so many ways I never meant to.

Remember me as a girl who loved life, beauty and can't take any pressure. I am fragile. I am vulnerable. I stayed strong because you gave me strength. Even when things fall apart, I feel safe in your arms. I am alive because of you.

Remember me when you miss me. Remember me when you're sad. Remember me when you're alone. I am always with you no matter what. Near, far, wherever you are, remember me.

Remember me as a girl who loves you and never stop loving you and sorry for everytime she has let you down.

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found

Remember me this way - Zara Ismail

Music of My Heart..

You'll never know
What you've done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul...

You'll never know
The gift you've given me..
I'll carry it with me

Through the days ahead
I think of days before
You made me hope for something better (yes you did)
And made me reach for something more

You were the one
Always on my side
Always standing by
Seeing me through

You were the song that always made me sing
I'm singing this for you

Everywhere I go
I think of where I've been
And of the one who knew me better
Than anyone ever will again

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love...
Is the music of my heart.. 

You're the music of my heart sayang.. 

I'm the luckiest girl to have you as my bestfriend..

Thank you for everything..

love always,

Zara Ismail

Written. Read. Judged

Writing has always not been my skill, nor anything else. Yet, I still write to let out how I feel inside. Writing is very therapeutic, but, writing about real life even if we changed their names or given whatever nicknames, people still can see through your material. 

Some people believe in writing and some people believe what they see with their own eyes. What people doesn't know is what's going on in someone's mind or heart. I write what's on my mind and how I feel from the heart. People can simply judge who I am. Especially my weaknesses. Even my loved ones said it too. 

I write to share what I've been through, to inspire, to guide who ever reads this. Sharing is caring. I've tried to be a writer yet it went half way. I think I'm better off writing what I've experienced. I'm good at it. Please continue reading my blog. I hope I've inspired or touched peoples life. Have a nice weekend. Thanks for taking your time to read.

love always,
Zara Ismail

Sad Eyes

I just found out that my former best friend of 17 years are getting married. Where am I? Still not knowing my futures like. I'm happy for her because she found someone who is ready to commit and love her as she is. Where else me, I'm still stumbling down the road, looking for mr right and stabilised my life, and financially. 

Honestly when I heard the news, my heart felt so happy and sad. Happy to know after all these years, she's finally found someone perfect for her. Sad because, we fell apart and I'm no longer part of her life. To make it worse, my chenta is leaving me too. How can I coped with this? Knowing my dad is no longer around to talk to. It's pretty hard for me. I can put up a fake smile, live life as I used to? wake up, work, sleep? Everyday, same routine?

I've never felt this lonely. All the people that I loved most are leaving me. I can't hold on to them forever. 

"Memories can fade but not scars..."

Hope for Someone..

The best thing about being in a relationship is to feel loved and needed and importantly, being complete. There's purpose in life. If you ever notice, people who isn't in a relationship most of the time they made themselves busy with their hobby or work. If, not, they'll be staying all alone. Do you want to come back to an empty place? Having a pet is just another substitute. Love is important to everyone. It keeps you alive. When you don't have that love inside of you, you're a robot.

Love can be a disaster too. Depends on how you show the love. Don't be obsessed or possessive. That's not love. Jealous? it's good to feel it but just don't let it control you.

Nowadays, I've observed my loved ones relationships, including mine. Our generation do not understand the meaning of real love. What is real love?

For me, I've observed my parents unconditionally love. They love each other no matter what their flaws are like. They stick through ups and downs. For better and worse, til death do them part. That's true love. They commit with each there irregardlessly how bad either one's condition and characteristic

For example, my mother is one of the most patience lady I've came to know. How she deal with my hot tempered father til the end of his last breath. They managed to celebrated their 28th anniversary before he passed away 3 days of syawal.

During the past few weeks before my dad passed away, he has admitted what he has done wrong to her and to tell her, she's the best wife he has married to. To be patient with him, to take care of him day and night while he was sick, to bath him when he can't walk (paralysed for a year), to give birth to me. Even when there were other women came by an offered to be his second wife, he truly declined. He doesn't want to make those mistakes as he did in the past. He also reminded my mom not to remarried as in our religious, the last wife will be the fairy that'll accompany him on the other side.

My mother is a very strong woman. I only see her shed tears once, at my dad's grave during first day of raya. All she said, he's happier there. When I asked her, don't you ever miss him? All she answered, "I pray for him everyday.." and that's enough.

I'd like to have that love. The love that my parents had. Someday..

Love Hurts

My friend has made me write what I need and want in and from a relationship. Truth is, I wanted a fairy tale ending or something close to it. (I'm a sucker for romance). Being in a relationship or having one is very important to me. It made me feel complete and whole. It made me stronger and I see life very beautiful, though most of my relationship was fake, major fucked up.

Comes along the perfect guy for me. Eccentric and Smart. Unfortunately, he doesn't see nor feel what I had seen and felt it, and I love him unconditionally, until now. It has been 4 years and no one has ever made an impression how this guy did. How he turned my world upside down, an adventure for better and worse. Even though we're not together now, I still feel lucky to have him by my side. Words could not describe.

Recently, a friend of mine had a bad break up. Listening to his story made me feel sadder. Not because they broke up, but because man like my friend is not easy to come by. To give his love, heart wholly to her. I trully know how he felt, because, I too, gave my heart wholly to a man. Yet, I was rejected.

It is true, you can never get what you want. For me, to grow old and have a beautiful life together. 

Tragedy.

If my time is up, I'd pray to die in the arms of my other half, how my dad passed away in my mother's arms.

True love.

A Letter to My Babies

Dearest beloved babies,

I wrote you this letter to let you know that I seek for forgiveness. I’ve never had the guts to say it to all of you because I’m disappointed with myself. I have the best friends in the world that has been there for me through ups and downs for the past year. I could have never gone through without your support and guidance. I’ve not been myself since my dad has passed away. I could never talk to any of you. All you see me being strong was only an act that I’ve managed to show it. I was too afraid. I am still. You’ve seen me being vulnerable when I was left by someone who means the world to me. You’ve seen me going jobless and all I had was zero cents in my account.

I’m very very sorry for going away far too long. All I wanted was to prove to all of you that I could go through this without your help. I’ve always looked up each and every one of you. All of you have been very success in life, accomplish most of the things you want in life. I have none. I don’t envy but I was very disappointed. Disappointed, worrying when will my time come. Everytime when I’m with you, I feel like I don’t fit in but you guys never give up on me.

You all have supported me; walk with me through my unlucky journey. Here I am, thanking each and every one of you after realizing, I was lucky. Lucky to know each and every one of you. I’m sorry again and all of you mean the world to me. I hope and pray that we shall be friends as long as we live. I won’t say forever because forever is a lie.

Missing you,

Zara Ismail 

Now and Forever More

To my beloved and most important man in my life,

I've always loved you and I know I've done my mistakes. I've never felt so strong how I feel towards you. I know we've been around each other far too long. I've never once regretted it. Even if I said, "I wish I've never met you..", I was lying. I'm thankful every moment we were together. Even we are apart right now, you're still in my heart, my mind and soul. Always and forever be..

Love always,
a girl who will never stop loving you.

Where The Road Meets The Sun

It's been awhile I haven't blog. I don't even miss it. I've been taking my own sweet time to analyze what has happened since my first and the last public break down on twitter.

Twitter is so evil~

It's not Twitter honestly. It's me who has issues and just want to let out my feelings like I always do in blog as well. Apparently, it's not funny. I'm showing my weaknesses publicly. Finally, after restraining myself, i managed to cut down my tweets and blog about my feelings. I was not in the right state of mind.

I used to think blogging about your life wholely and let others to read was therapeutic. It was. I have to admit so, but on certain levels only. I guess, I'm learning slowly and through the hard way.

I still have issues to settle. Who doesn't? But I'm dealing it on my own way right now. Still trying to restrain myself. Nothing is easy..

I hope my readers and fellow friends won't stop reading my blog. I will still keep on blogging but not to an extend to humilliate myself. I've finally seen the sunlight.

Take care and thanks for reading.

xx
Zara Ismail

No One Knows But Me

Another day of relapsed.

Missing my dad.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I push aside my worries, more comes in the way. I'm beyond words than crazy. It's killing me. I don't think I can't take it. Here I am crying, wishing things are back to before my dad's passing. Am I selfish to think that way? I don't know how to take this responsibilities. I always screw things up. Can I do this? I'm tired of being dependant on anyone. For once, I want to stand on my own two feet.

Funny when I can't say it out loud to people but I can easily blog about it.

I just want my bestfriend back.

Unfortunately, God loves him more. Times like this, he always know what to say to me. This is the most difficult part.

I don't think I can take these right now. I'm too fragile. 

The One With Candy Hearts

As we grow older, we tend to lose a lot of people in our lives.. Especially those who are very dear to us. Losing doesn't mean that we argue and they just walk away from us. Losing means death, grow apart, marriage, family, work and many more factors.

I've been a social butterfly since god knows when. I love making friends. Each and every year, ever since I could remember, I'll make new friends and lose the old ones. I don't treat them like high school kids. We moved on. I decided to blog about friendship today because to tell you the truth, I miss my dearest friends. Those who has been there for me. I wish I could list down the names, but I've decided to leave it as anonymous. They know who they are.

I find it hard to accept at first that we're not seeing each other anymore, but I've realized that we're not getting any younger and true friends will always be there for you when you need them the most. They will always support you no matter how. I've lost a lot of friends a long the way. These friends of mine that I really miss most, I shall keep them close to my heart.

I no longer have one bestfriend, I have sisters and brothers. 

I miss us, babies.

The last time I felt this way was with my 17 years of friendship. Even though ours are fairly new, but I've never been this close to anyone. I hope you all are well.

"True friends are the people who are there for you unconditionally. They are the people who never question you and support you no matter what the circumstances are. They are the people worth living for."

Love always,
Zara Ismail.

Shadows of Ourselves

Choices choices choices.

We always have to make choices in our daily life. Most of us makes the wrong choices but we learned our mistakes with a blink of an eye.

Today, I've questioned myself over and over again am I doing the right thing, making the right choices. Yet, I have no answer for it. I've been staying on my own far too long. Ever since I finished high school. Yes, I'll go back now and then to my parents' place but it will only be for one or two nights. I did stay with them for a year or two but I'm used to it, being on my own.

Now that my father has passed away, I've requested my mom to move in with my uncle. He has a spare room. I don't want her to stay on her own alone. She did for the last 4 months. Trust me, I was so worried about her but unfortunately, I made a choice to let her be on her own and me still living on my own in the city. Am I selfish? You can tell me the truth.

Now she has moved to the city, but I haven't make time to go and see her. What kind of a daughter am I? I still call her but not as often as before. I somehow enjoy the quietness in my life but I feel bad. She's the only parent I have left but I'm still on my own. I don't make time for her. Honestly, I have all the time in the world right now but I realized I'm making excuses.

Shouldn't I make this sacrifice? She's all that I have. Why won't I just stay with her? There are a lot of "what ifs" playing on my mind and I don't want any regrets anymore. I'd love to spend every minute with her but at the same time I'd love this life on my own.

Perhaps I know the answer but I want to hear it from someone. No, it's not perhaps. I do have the answer but I chose to look the other way. I am selfish.

Oh dear heart, please listen to what head is saying. For once, do it right. No more regrets. You definitely do not want to look back and say, "I should've spend more time with her.".

This is me now. I have conversations in my head with myself.

I hope I'm not crazy.

What If This Storms Ends?

Somehow, I've decided to retire as a dramaqueen. People were questioning me why. People will say, I shall not be me again. Guess it has been my trademark all these while.

I've been a dramaqueen for the past almost 27 years. I was borned as a dramaqueen. I love the dramas in my life. I love the spotlight on me. I love being the centre of the attraction. When I made the announcement declaring myself as a dramaqueen retiree, friends and family were questioning.

Here is why:-

• The dramas in my life doesn't bring me any good.
• It was fun but somehow it sucked the life out of me
• I was becoming an emo bitch that no one could stand (even myself)
• I became desperate for attention when no one is entertaining me
• I have lost a lot of friends a long the way
• I have lost myself.

I'm sick and tired of it. I'm a 27 years old (not that young anymore) and I should take my life seriously. I would love to play around still but I think I shall rewad myself when the time comes. Yes, I'm going to be a very boring person.

Might never know how it turn out to be. I've lived my life in storms. I would love peace and quiet. Live a simple life. Let's see how does it goes. When it does, the memories of who I was will be a distant echo.

Life is an adventure, dare it. - Mother Teresa

Go Easy Little Doves, I'll Be Fine

It's been awhile I haven't blog.

I don't even know where to start.

I'm very lonely lately. I don't know why do I feel like that. Perhaps it has been a very quiet month (since there hasn't any job/events going on) and I have a place on my own again. I have a lot of time to think. I hate it when my mind wanders around the quiet and dark universe. It's like a little kid going to the playground at night. Dangerous, no?

I've relapsed uncountable times. I thought I could accept the facts that my dad has passed away and no longer around. Unfortunately, it takes time. All these while I've been channeling my sadness through work. I don't have to think about it. I was too afraid to accept that my knight in shining amor is no longer around. Now, that I have a lot of time to think about it, I had my regrets. Lots of it. At one point, I was beating myself too hard that I didn't even visit his grave nor come back home to my mother. I went away.

Everytime I head back home to my mother, I will always be very quiet and lock in my own room. It felt strange to go home where he was always there. Until the 100th day he passed away, I really broke down and cried.

There are 2 important men in my life right now, one is still my ex (you all know who am I talking about) and the other is my boss-slash-my-brother-from-another-parents (no blood ties nor through marriage. He has been a very good friend whom I call family now). They have been very supportive of me. That day, they sort of gave me an "ultimatum".

They told me, there are reasons why my late father used to tell me, " Do not cry when I'm not around anymore". I understood what they were trying to tell me. I don't know how long I would still need time on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm "running away" from reality. I "ran away" from my mom, my family, my siblings, and my friends.

I always thought I could've done more for him. I did. I was there when he needed me the most. I took care of him when no one could. I may not fulfilled his wishes but I did alright. I came out alright. No matter how, I remember where I'm from. He has taught me well. The only wish I didn't fulfill was to be hand away when I'm married. He had a plan. He wanted me to get married. I was so heartbroken at that time and I couldn't accept his idea. All I had was my love for my ex. I could not love anyone else like I loved him. My father understood.

That will always be the saddest day of my life when I get married. My father won't be there to see me walking hand in hand with my husband to be. Not that I have any candidates in mind right now. I do want to get married. Someday. Have a family with someone I know I could spend my life with until the day I die. I'd love that. Unfortunately, I'm too scared to get married. Seeing someone close to me been cheated and go through hell. Unfortunately, I still love my ex, and no one (for now) could be any better than him. Perhaps I never gave anyone chances, but I do believe my time will come.

I've always envy people being so happy. I think I've lost that since my father's passing. I am happy but it is not as before. I've always read my old blog post, "Picture Almost Perfect". That will always bring tears to my eyes.

I don't know even know what I want to sy here anymore.

I'm happy with my job.
I'm happy that I'm in good terms with my ex.

Yet, it's not the same. My biggest puzzle in my life is now gone. I just have to get use to it.

Please go easy on me.. I know I'll be fine..

"I'd trade all my tommorows for a single yesterday." - Janis Joplin

Fairy tales

Have you ever fall in love and you knew you loved that person way before you met them? Have you?

Well, I did. I fell for someone a long time ago. I knew it sounds crazy but that's the truth. I've always wanted to be with that somebody but I didn't know when or how. When I finally meet that guy, I knew it was right. Both head and heart was agreeing it with me. I've met tons of men. Dated most of them, and no one can make me feel how right it was.

It felt surreal. It felt like I was dreaming.. and I don't ever want to wake up. Reality slaps you in the face. Actually, reality slapped me real hard. Nothing in life comes as easy as we thought it would be. I had to work on it. Learning my mistakes over and over. No relationship is as perfect as a fairy tale.

I'm the type of girl (I'd like to call myself as a girl not just a lady. I'm 26 years old now and yes, I do have that little girl in me) who believes in fairy tale, love, happy ending. The hardest part was to face reality and grow up. When I met this boy (he is a boy at heart), he was that guy I fell for before I met him. Now, he is a grown man. I'm proud to call him as a man because he grew up. He had taught me a lot of things and he has been my guardian angel.

It's true that it's hard to admit that we're wrong. I did. I admitted my mistakes. All I wanted was to make him as how me made me. He completes me. We're only human and we tend to make mistakes most of the time. Different new ones. Me? I kept on repeating it. It took me awhile to realize it, to admit it, to talk about it. I think what I've told him on the eve of 2011, was the right thing to do. I'm proud of myself to finally let it out.

Until now, I love him with all my heart. I don't know how he felt towards me besides cared about me. There's only thing I believe, I believe how and what I feel. And that feeling of loving that somebody and that person is right for you, is still there.

Just don't give up. Have faith. It'll come to that time.

Don't let go of love. Everyone is made for one another.

xx Zara Ismail xx