Written. Read. Judged

Writing has always not been my skill, nor anything else. Yet, I still write to let out how I feel inside. Writing is very therapeutic, but, writing about real life even if we changed their names or given whatever nicknames, people still can see through your material. 

Some people believe in writing and some people believe what they see with their own eyes. What people doesn't know is what's going on in someone's mind or heart. I write what's on my mind and how I feel from the heart. People can simply judge who I am. Especially my weaknesses. Even my loved ones said it too. 

I write to share what I've been through, to inspire, to guide who ever reads this. Sharing is caring. I've tried to be a writer yet it went half way. I think I'm better off writing what I've experienced. I'm good at it. Please continue reading my blog. I hope I've inspired or touched peoples life. Have a nice weekend. Thanks for taking your time to read.

love always,
Zara Ismail

Sad Eyes

I just found out that my former best friend of 17 years are getting married. Where am I? Still not knowing my futures like. I'm happy for her because she found someone who is ready to commit and love her as she is. Where else me, I'm still stumbling down the road, looking for mr right and stabilised my life, and financially. 

Honestly when I heard the news, my heart felt so happy and sad. Happy to know after all these years, she's finally found someone perfect for her. Sad because, we fell apart and I'm no longer part of her life. To make it worse, my chenta is leaving me too. How can I coped with this? Knowing my dad is no longer around to talk to. It's pretty hard for me. I can put up a fake smile, live life as I used to? wake up, work, sleep? Everyday, same routine?

I've never felt this lonely. All the people that I loved most are leaving me. I can't hold on to them forever. 

"Memories can fade but not scars..."

Hope for Someone..

The best thing about being in a relationship is to feel loved and needed and importantly, being complete. There's purpose in life. If you ever notice, people who isn't in a relationship most of the time they made themselves busy with their hobby or work. If, not, they'll be staying all alone. Do you want to come back to an empty place? Having a pet is just another substitute. Love is important to everyone. It keeps you alive. When you don't have that love inside of you, you're a robot.

Love can be a disaster too. Depends on how you show the love. Don't be obsessed or possessive. That's not love. Jealous? it's good to feel it but just don't let it control you.

Nowadays, I've observed my loved ones relationships, including mine. Our generation do not understand the meaning of real love. What is real love?

For me, I've observed my parents unconditionally love. They love each other no matter what their flaws are like. They stick through ups and downs. For better and worse, til death do them part. That's true love. They commit with each there irregardlessly how bad either one's condition and characteristic

For example, my mother is one of the most patience lady I've came to know. How she deal with my hot tempered father til the end of his last breath. They managed to celebrated their 28th anniversary before he passed away 3 days of syawal.

During the past few weeks before my dad passed away, he has admitted what he has done wrong to her and to tell her, she's the best wife he has married to. To be patient with him, to take care of him day and night while he was sick, to bath him when he can't walk (paralysed for a year), to give birth to me. Even when there were other women came by an offered to be his second wife, he truly declined. He doesn't want to make those mistakes as he did in the past. He also reminded my mom not to remarried as in our religious, the last wife will be the fairy that'll accompany him on the other side.

My mother is a very strong woman. I only see her shed tears once, at my dad's grave during first day of raya. All she said, he's happier there. When I asked her, don't you ever miss him? All she answered, "I pray for him everyday.." and that's enough.

I'd like to have that love. The love that my parents had. Someday..

Love Hurts

My friend has made me write what I need and want in and from a relationship. Truth is, I wanted a fairy tale ending or something close to it. (I'm a sucker for romance). Being in a relationship or having one is very important to me. It made me feel complete and whole. It made me stronger and I see life very beautiful, though most of my relationship was fake, major fucked up.

Comes along the perfect guy for me. Eccentric and Smart. Unfortunately, he doesn't see nor feel what I had seen and felt it, and I love him unconditionally, until now. It has been 4 years and no one has ever made an impression how this guy did. How he turned my world upside down, an adventure for better and worse. Even though we're not together now, I still feel lucky to have him by my side. Words could not describe.

Recently, a friend of mine had a bad break up. Listening to his story made me feel sadder. Not because they broke up, but because man like my friend is not easy to come by. To give his love, heart wholly to her. I trully know how he felt, because, I too, gave my heart wholly to a man. Yet, I was rejected.

It is true, you can never get what you want. For me, to grow old and have a beautiful life together. 

Tragedy.

If my time is up, I'd pray to die in the arms of my other half, how my dad passed away in my mother's arms.

True love.

A Letter to My Babies

Dearest beloved babies,

I wrote you this letter to let you know that I seek for forgiveness. I’ve never had the guts to say it to all of you because I’m disappointed with myself. I have the best friends in the world that has been there for me through ups and downs for the past year. I could have never gone through without your support and guidance. I’ve not been myself since my dad has passed away. I could never talk to any of you. All you see me being strong was only an act that I’ve managed to show it. I was too afraid. I am still. You’ve seen me being vulnerable when I was left by someone who means the world to me. You’ve seen me going jobless and all I had was zero cents in my account.

I’m very very sorry for going away far too long. All I wanted was to prove to all of you that I could go through this without your help. I’ve always looked up each and every one of you. All of you have been very success in life, accomplish most of the things you want in life. I have none. I don’t envy but I was very disappointed. Disappointed, worrying when will my time come. Everytime when I’m with you, I feel like I don’t fit in but you guys never give up on me.

You all have supported me; walk with me through my unlucky journey. Here I am, thanking each and every one of you after realizing, I was lucky. Lucky to know each and every one of you. I’m sorry again and all of you mean the world to me. I hope and pray that we shall be friends as long as we live. I won’t say forever because forever is a lie.

Missing you,

Zara Ismail