Tuesday, February 15, 2011

No One Knows But Me

Another day of relapsed.

Missing my dad.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I push aside my worries, more comes in the way. I'm beyond words than crazy. It's killing me. I don't think I can't take it. Here I am crying, wishing things are back to before my dad's passing. Am I selfish to think that way? I don't know how to take this responsibilities. I always screw things up. Can I do this? I'm tired of being dependant on anyone. For once, I want to stand on my own two feet.

Funny when I can't say it out loud to people but I can easily blog about it.

I just want my bestfriend back.

Unfortunately, God loves him more. Times like this, he always know what to say to me. This is the most difficult part.

I don't think I can take these right now. I'm too fragile. 


Safri said...

Jangan bersedih...

Followed ur blog for quite a while now, maybe for a few months, but being a very reserved person...i only read but not interact. Well, I don't know u personally and it's creepy to bluntly saying hi.

But about a month ago, my mom passed away, after 20+ day of struggle in ICU coz of a rare disease that I don't even understand. A few months before the thought of losing my mom is millions light years away.

Her few last months were not good at all anyway. There were major major family problem. And me, I looked for jobs but no luck for me. Her other children rarely visit her, and me, being me, spent more time in room than talking and helping her at home.

I realized a lot of things when she left. That it was a long long time since I last hugged her, nor I kissed her even on the cheek or forehead. Never lie on her bed even. I only did that after she was breathless with kapan enveloping her body. The thoughts of regrets filling my entire head.

But life goes on, and the journey doesn't end on the grave. We can contribute a lot to our parents, dead or alive. What important is our doa, our al-fatihah, our yassin, and our wakaf to them. These things are beoynd sedekah. It's actually sort of savings for our parents after kiamat. It's us who will continue their ibadah.

Im not a religious person at all. before this I didn't even keep tab at my prayers, and maybe puasa for budaya sake only. Tried to repent and repair myself before but I still fall with the devil's whisper. The death of mum shocked me and made me realize the fragility of life and the need to start being a muslim, for myself, for my parents and family.

I know it's unbearable to accept the fact that your father not around anymore. And I know many people pushing you to let go. I tell you this; don't let go. There are still many many things we can do to our deceased parent. The ibadah, the relationship with other family members, and not forgetting our own selves.

Set a positive goal, and work it out, step by step.
Even the small steps like learning to cook (well, that is, in my case)
Don't push aside your worries, manage it.
Don't fear the responsibilities, learn it.
You're not screwing things, you just haven't figured out a solution yet...don't give up!
It's important to have somebody around. Open up with your family, if it only a little bit.
Give a little bit more attention to your mom.

Remember, physically he's not here anymore. But his teachings, his words, his advice will always in your mind. I'm sure you can feel that.

Everytime you miss him recite al-fatihah or better Yassin. If impossible to recite, listen to it...put on your phone/mp3 player. Don't forget our nawaitu for our parents.

Funny thing I don't talk to people much about this but I followed your blog, and feel, connected.

Continue blogging, I'm always on the other side, reading =)

ps-fragile?hmm...hope u have lots of styrofoam!


Claire Omashee said...

Hi, I'm Italian :3
I love all your post!! *^* I have some problems to understand English sometimes bit. It's a Pleasure to read your Thoughts, baby!

One kiss :3
Claire Omashee.

Claire Omashee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
shah wharton said...

New follower - found you today. Please consider joining our small community - At WordsinSync today - Monday Madness: Week 2.
Poem (Bipolar Distress) and Article (Mental .Health & BLAME) -.
Please come and link uphttp://wordsinsync.blogspot.com/2011/03/monday-madness-week-2-poem-and-article.html?spref=gr#close=1

Shah .X

Enigma said...

life and experiences teach us alot. good luck.