Goodbye Double Standard Friendship

I bought Cleo Magazine this month issue. There's an article about friendship. Made me realized that I do have that DS issue. I tracked back my memories of having a bestfriend and why we stopped talking. Interesting.

Here I am blogging about how I feel inside. I never had the chance to say good bye, I'll do it here then. 

I've been friends with her for the past 15 years. I can't recall how we became close, but we did. I remembered those days whenever we've finished school (primary that is), we'll head back home and continue to talk through endless phone calls rambling about nonsense. We would not miss out calling each other almost every other day. We rarely go out together but we just talk over the phone and meet up at school. As we moved to high school, we still have different set of friends. She'll be with the geniuses and I was with the naughty ones. 

Yet, we have endless conversations over the phone. We didn't go to the same tuition nor same piano classes. We only hang out after the tuition and that depends on each others curfew. I miss those moments. Then we went own our separate ways to college.

We still call each other, updating what happened and all. As always, gossiping, giggling like any other girls. We had our moments, fought with each other. We will always protect each other. I called her my lo-po (in english, my wife/sweetheart). I'd do anything to make her happy, make sure the guys she was and is with could take care of her, guide her because I can't be there 24/7. The only thing I felt so sad was, whenever she's in a relationship, I feel like she doesn't need me anymore because I've never leave her whenever I'm in a relationship. That is me not her. 

I remembered those days when we fought, I felt so lost without her. She was my other half. When we rekindled, we never talk about it until now. I wanted the best for her. If only I could give the world to her.. 

I remembered the day her late boyfriend past away, I wasn't there. I've never felt so bad in my entire life. I was at work and I never ever forgave myself, leaving her side. She was the best friend I might not replace ever. I know I've been such a bad best friend, not just leaving her side when her late boyfriend past away, I've always looked down on her. I thought she would not move on her own unless someone actually pushed her, that she was jobless and just enjoy living on family funds. I always passed remarks how stupid she is for not moving on, doing anything in her life. I thought I was better than her, and guess what, I'm not. 

And here I am, apologizing publicly, not expecting to rekindled our friendship but to let her know that I've always loved and missed her. She balanced me. She was my carefree spirit and I gave her up.

That's why I said I had DS issue. I thought I was better than her. I hope she will do well in her life. I think it'd be easier to leave a 15 years of friendship that has a lot of beautiful moments, I doubt that I'll find someone else to replace her. 

Thank you for the opportunity for making me as your best friend. 

Short story

I loved him.

I have always had.

I still do.

Twenty-Something

Ok, I haven't blog for awhile so please excuse me.

I can't believe in 2 days time I'm gonna be 25 years old. That's quarter century old. Damn! I feel old. I have been sitting down and think a lot lately. Why I've changed so much. Well, I figured it out after talking to a mutual friend of mine. I'm not the same girl like I used to. I hardly go out and I CHOOSE who I wanna go out with. I feel insecure. Funneh.

I have to admit, partly it's because of work. Then the responsibilities are piling up. Damn! Can't I just be 21 again?

These are the worries I've been thinking that made me depressed:-
1. Work - salary issues
2. Household - money issues
3. Parents - money and time issues
4. Relationship - time and past issues
5. Friendship - time, money and past issues.

I think that's about it.

Haha, Having quarter life crisis is very very not interesting. Oh well.

But this is what I'll achieve soon:-
1. Stable job
2. Driving license
3. Car

All insyaAllah by end of the year... :)

Happy Birthday to me in advanced!

I'm not Alone.

I'm blessed.

I have my knight in shining amour to be there for me.

I have my friends who are there for me.

I have my family who are there for me.

I'm thankful.

Scars and Souvenirs

In life, only one thing is certain...apart from death and taxes...no matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You're going to hurt people. You're going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover... There's really only one thing you can say. Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It's good advice, but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us...we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled...old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget.

"Doing things, changes things. By not doing things, leave things the way they were.." - Dr. Gregory House.

Busy Bee

So far, this week has been really good to me. Thumbs up for that. I hope I'm not saying it too soon. I had so much fun and felt good. It's been a while.

I can't wait to start my new work. Got meself new sons. I have Car Crash Hearts and Rashdan Harith on board with me and soon Stonebay. Hmm hmm.. busy? Yes. I was told by my best friend to stay with the old boys until album launching. I haven't think about it. Don't want to yet.

Right now, I'm making plans for them who's with me. I can't wait for the events that I'm gonna work with Sen and Rahul. I need to make myself busy. I can't just sit down and do nothing. Currently, I'm very busy -- twitting.

Tweet me. :)

Heartache Every Moment

Isn't it easy to fall in love? It's easy to fall out of love too. Sometimes, I wonder why do we need love? Why do we search for "the one"? I'm afraid to go into one, but yet, I never fail to feel it. I hate what happened to my sister. Another fail marriage with 3 kids. How wonderful is that?

Then why do God create love when you actually have to fight for it? To appreciate it? I doubt it. To test us in faith? I doubt it. We have the best example ever. MJ, king of pop passed away 3 days ago, it's been awhile not listening to his songs, yet, after he left us, the world mourns for him. Playing his songs. No offence but this is human, you fall out love, you fall in love. Once you've lost the loved ones, then you'll appreciate it.

Why can't we all change? Change it all. Appreciate them while they are there, right in front of you. Have faith in them. Don't stop loving them. But like Shinzu said, " Life is full of shit.. ".

" To tell them you love them while they can hear you.." - quoted in Grey's Anatomy; It's not hard to say those words. I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU. These words mean a lot. Appreciate those people around you. Family, friends, spouse, colleagues and whoever around you.

Stop breaking hearts.

-- Rest in peace Michael Jackson ; 1958 - 2009.

Lovefool

Here I am, falling for a rockstar.

A rockstar who actually find his way to call me. A close friend of mine told me, "Babe, he is into you.. Come on, how many guys would actually go to a public phone and call you to ask how was your day and tell you that his battery died and he is on his way back home to KL?"

How foolish am I to fall for that?

I can't get him out of my head. I'm spinning around.

I'm a lovefool.

I Deny It

How could you ever possibly fall for a stranger? Is it because you can't have that person or it's just true that you have feelings for him/her?

I experienced a weird situation where I have no idea who he is. I do actually. I ONLY know the basics about him. I can't get him out of my head. I wonder...

Sometimes, I wonder whether what he tells me are either true or false. Either it was honesty or a lie. It's hard to read people's mind. Action says louder than words. It's unbelievable. I try not to think about it. It's not rocket science. It's not a math equation. It's a lot harder than it seems.

The thing is, he knows exactly who am I, what I want. Me? I'm complete the opposite. Suddenly, it turns into an obsession to me. To know whether my feelings are completely true or I'm just feeling this way because I can't have him.

I have butterflies in my tummy. It's been a while I haven't had that feelings. Whenever he sits next to me, eying each and every of my movements, listening to every words that blurt out through my lips. Funny isn't it?

Hoping that he would call in the middle of the night. Wishing my wished would come true -- to get an answer. An answer for that question that's been lingering on my mind. Driving me mad.

My best friend said, " It'll pass. This is just a phase. You'll get over it... ". Is it true? Maybe I didn't try harder to forget about it. BUT, yes, there is a but. The more I try to forget about him, the more I'll miss him, I want him.

I want to go to bed. I don't want to think about it, about him. I'll try not to. That's because, does he think about me before he goes to bed? I don't think so. I'm only there for him, when he needs me. I'm just a safety net.

Okay, I think that's it. That's it..

Denying is good. Ignorance is bliss.

Yes, I deny it.

Goodnight.

Safer

I haven't felt this way for such a long time. Content. Relax. Although I'm alone, I feel fine. I'm not depressed.

I am happy -- I can actually smile without faking it.

I feel safe.