Friday, July 18, 2014

Battle of a heart.

I have not post anything for the past one year..

Too many incidents and memories were recorded in my mind, heart and soul.

Today, I woke up with a tragic news, his dad just passed away. Last night I slept with a heavy heart knowing MH17 was shot down. Just a couple of months after the disappearance of MH370.

Being human, I feel for him and alongside with the Malaysians for the deceased passengers and crews of MH17.

It made me think and realized, life is futile. Everything are temporary. It made me scared. Ilmu agama di dada tak cukup lagi. Dunia sudah nak akhir zaman. Spending too much time alone could make me go nuts. I've became this person who does not want to socialize. Because I got hurt too many times. I became selfish, because I want to save myself.

Now, another question has arise. AM I READY FOR CHANGES?

Being the 2nd is never my intention. We both know we won't be able to be together. 3 years.. that we've spent. Most of it are the best memories. Greatest laughs. Is this a sign?

Do I take this opportunity to leave? Do I stay be with him? He lost his dad. He lost few friends. All within a day. Being human, I want to be there. Being a woman, I want to be there yet, isn't this the time for him to be with his family.

Ya Allah, berikan aku satu petunjuk.


Monday, July 15, 2013

I Wish Upon A Star...

There's no drama in my life. Alhamdulillah for that.

Not that I asked for it. I finally get to enjoy life as it is.

Whenever my head and heart decided to fight, definitely it's because I have to make a choice and of course it's about my relationship.

But lately, I've decided not to think about it. I decided to follow its course.

I know he's not the one for me. I know he'll be gone soon.

How soon? I honestly don't know. Though at times, I wished I can predict the future, but it's just a wishful thinking. There are days that I wished, he'll be mine, fully mine, again, another wishful thinking.

The only wish I have now is to meet that man, whom I call him mine. All mine.
His eyes are only for me. His feelings are only for me. His mind is only for me. His heart is only for me.

One day perhaps, if that day decided to come.


Monday, May 6, 2013

Choices, choices, choices.

Being a mess is not one's ideal life. With all shits given, one decided to zoned out.

You started living in your own wonderland. Wandering in it. You wished it lasted. Unfortunately, it was just a few minutes of your life. Time became slow again.

Back to reality.

"How cruel...", you said.
"Life?", the voice asked.
"Yes.", you answered.
"Life is not cruel. Choices are. So many choices and you made the wrong one..", said the voice again.

What would you do?
Accept it. You did? Now, can you forgive yourself and let go?
The answer is within you and you know it.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Lost & Addiction

Lost in space,
Lost in love,
Lost in lust.

I'm lost.

Lost in this happiness,
Lost in this darkness,
Lost in this sin.

I'm lost.

Lost myself when you're in front of me,
Lost myself when you're next to me,
Lost myself when you're in me.

I'm lost.

I'm lost without you,
I'm lost with you,
And I'm addicted to you.

Such a happy mess.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


On a fine day, I was spending time with DR, I heard knockings on the grill.

"Babe, could you open the door please?"
"Okay, babe!"

I got up from the sofa where I was lying next to the person who I've always though I'd end up with to let the person whom I never thought would be my soulmate in. As soon as I opened the main door, there he stood on the other side of the grill.

"Hey, is Miss V in?' and then, he smiled.
My heart beats faster.
"Oh yeah, come on in."

We were then officially introduced by my housemate, Miss V.

"This is M, M, this is my housemate, Zara and that's DR."

We shook hand, he went and chill with Miss V and I lied back next to DR. They came out from the room, "Come, let's blaze.", and we hit it off. Conversation after one another.

That's how I remember it.

Long story short, I broke up with DR a few months later.

During my singlehood of three months, M was always around and chilled together.

We were always flying together.
Full of laughters.
Beautiful music.
Stories were shared.
Secrets were made.
Chemistry got stronger.
That butterflies in my tummy;
Heart beats faster. Sometimes, it skips a beat.

One day M came unexpectedly and I had a guest. I gleamed happily as soon as I saw him. Without realizing, I was already next to him. Subconsciously, I've already liked him. Even my body language showed it. Everybody saw, even my guest. Being a "gentleman", M left earlier seeing how uncomfortable my guest was.

I didn't remember exactly when did we exchange numbers, but we did. We went out quietly. He brought me to meet up with the boys and had our first night out. It was splendid. Lots of laughter and great moments.

Let's cut to the chase. I'm sure everyone is bored to know the exact details.

So, one night, while chilling with my housemates, we were pushed, pressured and convinced that we should be together. Out of curiosity, we both agreed.

The rest became history.
Celebrated Valentine's together.
He cooks, I clean.
He calls my Cosmic Girl.
He's my Space Cadet.
He sings me 'Gadisku' (song by Search)
I said, "I soooo want to do him". :P
He heard me calling him "B..."
I became his Manja, Princess, Baby and Sayang.
How juvy.
Everyday we would miss each other badly.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.

And when the topic rises, we both were in denial.
Keep pushing for more.
Don't want to let go.

We said we loved each other.
We admitted there will be no future.
He said, "In order to be fair, I need to let you go."
I said, "I don't want to be second..."
We just want to hold on a little bit longer.

We've seen each others dark side;
We embraced it.
We accept the flaws.
We stayed.

Here we are, more than a year since we first met;
A year now, being together.

We might have crossed paths before we met;
Even now, being together, reality bites.
We were never meant to be together.

Though it hurts so much to let go,  fate did prove me wrong.
I'm bound to meet someone better than DR.
I met you.
My soulmate.

Thank you for giving me this chance.
I now believe, soulmate does exist.

Monday, January 21, 2013

The Private Affair, part cinq

We've hardly talk like we used to.
We've hardly text like we used to.
Just sitting next to him, it makes me content.

It's a year now.
I'm still in love with him.
I miss him every now and then, all the time.

Sometimes it's so hard to believe that he loves me too.
Yet, I feel it.

This is the closest I feel to magic,
and I'm under his spell.

It might be fleeting, but I'm willing to take this risk ;
It's worth it.

Friday, January 4, 2013

The Private Affair, part quatre

I said, "My brother is setting me up with the candidate of his choice."
He said, "You should go. I'm holding you back."
I said, "How can I go when I have you in my heart? Isn't it unfair? Even after you're not around, it will take some time to patch me inside."
He remained silent.

"I'd like to see you again and again after this. At least I said it.", and he chuckled.

It's hard to look at him. I'm scared to look at him. I'm scared of losing him. That's how deeply I fell for him.

I turned to him, "I chose to stay. I still want to stay." and I looked away.
"You can't stop or you don't want to stop?", he asked.
"A little bit of both.", and we just looked at each other.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Hello 2013

It's now 2013.

I've yet to make that decision.
Somewhat, I still can't leave.

One thing I know for sure; this year, my focus are my pockets (to fill it with more moolah) and of course my career.

I'm not ready to be someone's wife.
I'm not ready to let you go too.

Let me hold on a bit longer.
Let me make my resolutions come true.

Be nice to me 2013.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Private Affair, part trois

Is this coming to an end?

Part of me wishes and prayed that it isn't.
Part of me just want to walk away.

Again, I'm left with this confusion.

To be with you -- impossible.
To live without you -- can't imagine.

I felt the distance.
I have yet to get that courage to say goodbye.

How about you?

Friday, December 28, 2012

Not Dark Yet

2012 is coming to an end, It's been another tough year for me. Though lotsa shits has happened (please excuse my language), I'm very grateful that I'm still standing. 

I've lost my closest friend who meant the world to me. 
I've been fired, twice. 
I've reconciled and hopefully will remain as friends with certain people who was once and few who are still important to me.
I've seen true colours of certain people whom I've always thought they'd be different -- how naive of me.
I've been given a chance to start all over again.

I've fallen in love (which I never thought I'd opened up my heart).
It wasn't a mistake though I got my heart broken. It was my choice and I'd make the same one all over again.

So dear 2013,
You are only 4 days away. My only hope, wishes and prayers are to be successful (financially & career), to be loved and to live peacefully with LESSER dramas of course. Without drama, life ain't that fun. hehe.

Zara Ismail

Friday, December 21, 2012


It's supposed to be end of the world.
But my heart was the one that had an apocalypse.

It just won't stop aching. It just won't stop screaming how badly I miss and love him.
It just won't stop asking for more when there won't be more than what we have.

I couldn't ask for more.
I fell in love. Deeply, madly, and truly.
I'm scared to leave. I pleaded my head and heart to leave.
They decided not to and pushing for more.
Enjoy while it last.

Sadly, I'm dying of it slowly.
There are days I feel so used.
There are days I feel so loved.

It's so futile and I'm still fighting it.
Perhaps it might be the end of me.

Who knows?

No matter how painful it is, it was worth it.
I'd still go through it again and again.

That, I don't regret at all, even the world is about to end.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

All I Wanted For Christmas is YOU

Christmas is just around the corner. It's been 6 months you've been away. I have always loved Christmas but this year, it'd be something simple. Time flies by so quickly, my dearest Alda. Even I've moved on, I still feel that part of me is missing.

Everyone dispersed right after your funeral. That shows how important you were to us. Now, some are not in talking terms (I know I'm not talking to your vocalist and his future wife.), some just literally busy with their life and as for me, I stopped seeing everyone too. It's not the same any more.

There are times, I wished that you're still around.
There are times, I wished I could return to the time we were just drinking and talking.
There are times, I wished I could save you.

But, no matter how hard I'd wished for, things won't change.

I miss you a lot Alda.

Friday, September 21, 2012


I am blessed. I thought I was going to get fucked again. 

They gave me strength. They stayed by me. They helped me. 

It was 2 days before raya. Everything fell apart. Jobless. Came orang lama to the rescue. Alhamdulillah...

Can't believe that he was there for me when I needed help and someone the most. He saved my raya celebration. The raya that I was looking forward to celebrate since papa passed away. I actually, truly had a great raya despite that shits was happening. I got to celebrate it. Though it wasn't as I planned, but it was better. Alhamdulillah.

2 weeks later, it hits me. Reality hit me. I fell. It was harder. Space cadet was there. The longest hug I had and I didn't want to let go. It was painful to let go. At least, now, I knew. He knew. We knew.  And here we are. 

Through the shits that was and still happening now, I'm really thankful and grateful for having family and friends that prayed and helped me through this, my angels; papa and Aldo for being there in spirit for me and definitely to Allah SWT for having Mercy on me. Alhamdulillah. I now am happily working at an event company. Back to where I belong. It took me 2 weeks. I got up within 2 weeks.

Though, right now, those shits are still around, but I believe, I'm stronger than before. 

Thank you dearest angels.
Thanks to Allah SWT.

I'm reborn.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Private Affair, part deux

We talked. 

It was so hard for me. For him too. It made things harder to let go. It hurts. 

It got stronger and deeper. Excruciating painful yet beautiful feeling.

Fucked, no?

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Private Affair

I made a choice when I got into this beautiful mess. Maybe it's not a mess for him, but it is for me.

It's been almost 7 months whatever that I'm having right now with this perfect guy (or almost perfect for me). He was introduced by one of my friends. It started out as friends.

I honestly can't remember how long ago when I first met him. It felt like I've known him for forever. I find it funny when I tried to recall those memories. I would admit I've been very naughty since my last relationship. For me, I needed to move on.

I have to open a new book, and can't hold on my past. I kept on telling myself, I deserved better. Here comes "space cadet" (let's call him that). I knew his past and present history. It was all curiosity. For me, what else would get wrong? It'll be a one time fling or just another guy that was once stroll along my journey to find my true love (what's wrong me believing in that?).

The chemistry was so strong. Even my subconscious admitted it too. Everything seems so perfect. Why wouldn't it be? He is 39 years old with full of experience (life and relationships). I finally felt how does it feels like to be treated as a princess. I don't even know where to start to list out the best traits. But there would always be the downside of it.

He belongs to someone else. Again, I'm the second (what are the odds?).

I realized now, I'm going too deep. Yet, I put on a smile on my face. I tend not to hold on too long. I admit it that I've fallen for him, but I would never end up with him. I'm not at saying goodbyes but how long more I can keep this up?

He knows it's not fair to me. We've never once talked about our feelings. We knew. He knew. He knew how I felt. Action speaks louder than words. But I'm left in the dark.

It hurts. I forgot how painful it is to get the heart ripped off.

I'm keeping my distance. As much as I want to say, "I love you..." I'll leave.

Distance - Christina Perri feat Jason Mraz

Monday, August 27, 2012


I finally for the first time in my entire life got fired from work. It's been almost a week without a job. I just realized I took that risk. No back up plan.

It finally hits me. But I can't sit down on it too long. As much as I want to curl into fetus position, I decided not to. Too much to think. I'm tired. I'm restless.

But I can't give up. I can get up again. The way I see it, I just need to take a step back and rethink what's next.

I'm not going to give up. I've been through a whole lot worse. Somehow, yes, it is messy up here in my head.  I have not cry. My head is still held up high. God is fair. I've always find a way to get up. I will work with my earnest heart, and faith in me.


I'm thankful for what I have right now. Still have.

"My daughter is strong and won't cry...", I will always remember that pa. I shall not fail again.

Friday, June 29, 2012

One and only

It's been 18 days since Alda's passing and somewhat things have turned around pretty well.

I thought I would be a wrecked. It was the opposite. I found my peace. I am in zen mode. It wasn't just me, it was all #TeamAlda.

For the past 3 months I've been isolating myself from people. I wanted to be with Alda, Uncle Aldwin & Auntie Zoraida and #TeamAlda. My performance at work went down. All the things that I loved became redundant to me. I became cold. I became my worst nightmare. I forced myself to work everyday. I wasn't as happy as I was.

How can I be happy at the moment? My friend, my brother, my colleague was in coma. He was lying helplessly. Fighting for his life. My daily routine were disrupted. Everyday, I would wake him up. I'd buy breakfast and we would go to work. We go to lunch together. We would make fun of each other. Most of every Thursday, we'd go to kick boxing class together. Most every Friday, we'd be partying at Barsonic, Zouk KL. Most of the weekends, we'd go to events or just outing with our "Entourage" group. That was the past 10-12 months before his passing.

When he collapsed, all I wanted was to drop everything and just be by his side. I was offended when someone told me, "Don't get offended but, he is just lying there. Life has to go on. What else can we do?". I was so angry. In my heart, "Is that what you say when you love someone? Is that how see things are?", but I kept it to myself. Just smiling.

I dedicate this song to you Alda

I kept all the emotions for 3 months until I decided to resign. I didn't want to work there anymore. I feel like there's nothing left for me but painful memories. I wanted to run away. My boss, who is a close friend of Alda, rejected my resignation and said, "Is this how you deal with it? By running away? Do you think Alda would like this?" and I broke down for the very first time. I admitted I couldn't go on. I wanted to but I don't know how. Instead, I thought I was giving too much trouble to the company, I'd resign,  to save my boss the trouble to fire me. Instead, he gave me a chance, he offered me a transfer to a different and new department. He acknowledged my skills. He understood what I went through. I knew what he told me was all right. 

I took that chance. I want to keep my promise to myself, to my boss and to Alda. I want to make sure what  Alda has helped me was worth it. I was given a chance to build new life. I went into the office after 9 days of Alda's passing. I am me again. At the same time, I am now doing my own business. I start just about 3 days before I enter the office. It was like something knocked my head and when I woke up, I tweeted, "Lai lai mari order the famous frozen MURTABAK RAJA.".

Business is doing alright, not so bad. Can't say much since I've just started it. I became myself again, the happy go lucky blondie. Not to mention, to a particular someone who actually have been there for me. The support given was priceless.

I am now at peace. Alhamdulillah.

I may be sad losing a very dear friend, a brother who would always be there for me, a colleague who believed in me, but I am at peace. I knew that he is now in a better place looking after us. Our guardian angel.

Alda's contribution to the music industry, legacy will always be remembered.

The Star Newspaper
15th June 2012

Alda's passing is a blessing in disguise. For me, I've gained 2 new parents, 11 brothers & sisters, 1 niece. 
Let us now celebrate his life. 
To Alda. 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Goodbye my dear friend, Alda Evan Tan

I don't know where to start.

I don't know how to start.

Here goes....

I've lost someone. He is my very dear friend, brother and colleague. He is someone whom I can never replace. For the past 5 years I've known him, he has never once, hurt me, left me. nor judged me. He has not just touched my heart, but hundreds and thousands of people. He is such an angel, the best son and brother, a friend who would always support and never give up on you and a talented musician.

For the past 3 months, he has been in coma due to his left brain capillary burst and everyday we would all pray that he'd survived. He didn't. Alda left us on 11th June 2012, at 4.45am peacefully. 

Looking back the days I've known him, he never failed to be there for me. He would always be there for me in ways he could ; late night drinking sessions, bbm-ing (even I don't have to say it, he'd text me up first), introducing me to the job now I'm working, sending me to Kpop concert (like a father would drive his daughter to a concert), to screen the guys I would date (in a fatherly tone he said, "What now? You ar, same shit, different boy" and he smiles), and the most important, he took care of me in his own way. 

He never failed to give me support. He never once looked down on me. He never did. He has taught me a lot. Those lessons are so precious that not even a soul could replace. 

Whenever we'd go partying, he will always be by my side, checking up on me. He knows I was trying to be strong, held my head up high and pretend I was okay. And fact is, when I'm drunk, he would come and hug me and just let me cry. He would say, "Why you cry? Aren't we all here for you? I am here." and he'd hug me and all those things that troubled me, went away. 

He is a man with passion. A man never gave up. A man who has such a big heart. He would help anyone, anybody who are in need. He was a fighter. 

The last time I saw him when he was still up and running doing the things he'd always do (complaining about the customers that emailed him, preparing for a music show), I was troubled by a call received from my sister. He knew I needed money to help and he came into my office and hugged me, then he pass RM50. He said, "Go rescue your sister. Be safe and don't worry, anything just bbm me.".

Later the next morning, at 7.16am, my colleague called me, "Zara, do you  know about Alda? He's been admitted to DSH (Damansara Specialist Hospital) and in coma now.". That news shocked me and we went straight to DSH. I held up my head high, telling myself, it's going to be okay. But when I walked into HDU, my heart stopped beating for few seconds. Seeing him lie helplessly with wires and tubes attached to him, I walked out and broke down. 

That's by far the worst moment in my life. Looking at someone who is so dear to me, that I loved most, in coma. Few hours later on, #TeamAlda was formed. 

A group of friends and family stepped in to help him and his parents. We found out that he had no insurance when he collapsed (He collapsed mid-way jamming for Kartel's show). These people who are known as #TeamAlda were the people who was once and still his friends.

The journey we (#TeamAlda) went through was the best journey I've experienced. We became a family. We  had a fall out but we stayed stronger. We never gave up and was holding it in together just for Alda, his dad and mom - Uncle Aldwin & Auntie Zoraida, his sister - Zona. We came from different background, race and  religion. We came together because of the love that Alda gave to us. 

Alda was in HDU for a good 2 and half month. We had to transfer him to different hospital because the funds/donations were running low. HUKM (Hospital Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia - I hope I got it right) was quite far for most of us. While he was there for the next 2 weeks, to be honest, we didn't once visit him. I'm assuming, everyone was busy with work and their life and as for me same here. There were work piling up. There were family issues needed to pay attention to. 

We all then received a text message by Uncle Aldwin on 6th of June, "Team, Alda is in a critical condition. Plz pray. Tq.". We all stormed to HUKM. We found out that one of his lungs collapsed due to pneumonia. We were told that he would not make it and we had to say our goodbyes. I just couldn't say goodbye. I think most of us didn't. We weren't ready. We were afraid. I knew I was. 

Losing someone who played a big role in your life ain't easy. It opened up my old wound. I remembered how it felt when my father passed away. I became very cold. We consoled each other. We prayed. We fought with God. All we were asking for one more chance. I was asking for God to give him and us one more chance. But if it's his time, then He can take Alda away.

For 5 straight days we were there, friends and family came and asked Alda to fight, saying it's not the time yet. And he did. He fought to stay around a bit longer. To say his goodbyes. I was quite fortunate to be there with him, to see his right eye opened but slightly. Tears were streaming his eyes. His breathing and physically responded to us (and that what makes us thought he'd survived). But it was all goodbyes. I finally took the courage and speak to him on 10th June 2012, 8.16pm (I never once took a chance to talk to him -- all I did was saying, "Hey, It's me Zara", I didn't know what else to say. I was always by his side, holding his hands and looked at him) , "Aldo, it's me Zara. Can you fight for us? I knew it sounded so selfish but we all here need you. Fight if you can. We are all here fighting with you. We can't win the battle without you. Fight if you can. But Aldo (that's what I normally called him), If you can't, you can let it go. We will be okay. I promised you that we will ..... (that's my promise to him and I won't say it here). I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. I shall not fail you. Thank you for all the things you've done for me.". I wiped away my tears and walked away. 

At 8.37am, 11th June 2012, I woke up to a lot of missed calls, text messages, bbms, whatsapps. The day that I'm terrified of, came. The day that I decided to silent my phone for the past 3 months, it happened. Alda Evan Tan has left us all. I was the last one to be with him among friends. I'm thankful that I was given the chance to say my goodbye and apology.

People came for the next 4 days to pay their last respect. The funeral was such a beautiful one. He is blessed and loved by many. I may lose a friend, who is so important to me, but I've gained a family -- Uncle Aldwin, Auntie Zoraida, Zona and family and definitely #TeamAlda. He sure is an angel. 

l to r : Stanley Saw, dam Lobo, Keith Yap, Joanne Kay, Collin Chin, Zona Marie Sheppard - Tan, me, Nazmi Syazwan, Avril Chan, Mahani Izzati, Madeline Tan and Sandra Sodhy


I have no other words to say to you other than thank you. Thank you for all the things you've done for me. Thank you for being there. Thank you for putting up with my dramas. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your love. Thank you for bringing me a new family, new friends and new life. You will be forever missed. I shall not fail you. You've taught me a lot. May angels be with you and I know my dad will welcome  you with an open arms. He knows what you've done for me. I bet the first you'll say to my dad when you see him, "Uncle, you daughter arrr.." =) 

Thank you for the beautiful, amazing memories. 

I love you always. 

Alda and I at Global Battle of the Band sometime in 2009

Zara Ismail
(Your Kpop Drama Queen Z)

In loving memories...
Alda Evan Tan
May you Rest in Peace sayang...

"May Angels bear you on lofty wings to Paradise; 
May Heaven's music resound & rejoice with you presence."

Alda's favorite song from his band Car Crash Heart

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Stop the world.

Days aren't getting any better. I stopped breathing for few seconds.

I walked away.

I had to leave.

Nothing is it's own place and it feels like a mess.

Dear God, let me go. Just let me go.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Walking After You

Lately I've been thinking of you. I kept on counting the times we've been apart. It hurts. I felt you walk away from my life. I felt, you left for good. I felt I was nothing.

I want to be happy for you but I'm still hurt. After all we've been through. it seems that you easily let me go. I was looking forward for Foo Fighters. I knew that was the only time I can be with you again among thousands of people sharing the same feeling watching one of our favourite band. That was how bad I miss you. Enough to share that moment even we'd be apart.

I don't know how to let go. I want to have you still in my life. You played a big role in my life. Even when I'm doing very good now with every other things in life I've dreamt for, it's not complete. You are not here for me to share it with.

Seems that you've finally let me go officially. Thanks Valentine.

Here's for you. My gift for you.

"I cannot be without you, matter of fact... I'm on your back"

Zara Ismail

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

In Between Lines

It's the second week of February 2012. Many things has happened for the past 6 new weeks. Something new for me. Something old for me. Something that I won't ever forget. Even it has been good to me, somehow the void feeling is there. A friend said, I'm too young to feel empty. I knew she was right but that emptiness fills my nights.

I'm still figuring things out. Career is advancing and I'm very glad and grateful at least one of it is working out. I hope it will last long.

I know that void, but I just don't really pay attention to it. If I do, I won't ever be able to move on. Probably, this is my only way to forget things. Keep myself busy. Busy is good. Busy is the best.

"It's easy to erase someone from your mind, but,  it's hard to remove it from the heart..."

Zara Ismail

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Life, New Year, Hello 2012.

I welcomed 2012 all alone. Watching the  fireworks, reflecting what happened in 2011.

A lot has happened in 2011. Bitter painful memories. yet towards the end of it, everything seems magical. I've finally experienced life on my own. Without these two men whom meant a lot to me -- My late father (you'll always be in my heart papa..) and my ex of 4 years (you taught me a lot and has always been there for me). I've always depended on them, finally I'm on my own two feet. I can't believe myself that I am this strong to go on without being dependant on anyone. I depended on myself. Alhamdulillah...

I've met a lot of people, and most of them became very dear to me. I don't know how else to thank everyone who has come into my life now, who supported, taught and guided me. This year 2012, I do not have any resolutions. I want to live the way I am right now, free and happy, without any dramas. I'm embracing it every moments that happened in life.

Here's to 2012.

A better year for all of us financially, career, family, friendship and love.

Rock on!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

November Rain

It's raining heavily for the past one week or two.. It seems like it knows that my heart is pouring heavily inside too. Somehow, it finally hits me. Why now?

I started the last 2 months perfectly fine. Now, I'm feeling that hurt. I get angry, but I know, the more I resent, I'll hurt more. I tried to live as normal as possible, enduring the new changes in my life, following the flow, but somehow, it seems temporary. I might be laughing and smiling among friends, but when I'm all alone, it gets really quiet and lonely. That's when I feel the big void. I avoid seeing the people we knew. I put courage going to places where we used to go. But when I'm home, it feels empty.
How long more will it rain?

Dear November, be good to me. I promise you that I'll be good too. Let me go through this rain with head held up high, because I deserved it.

I am that strong independent woman.
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Friday, October 21, 2011

When The Rain Falls...

I often think of you, nights like this became more lonely. Wondering how you are and whether you miss or ever think of me.. Some nights are sleepless. I hate it when I miss you. I know what we chose was the best but somehow, my heart yearns for you even when I fight not to. I often imagine how happy you are without me. Especially being with someone else whom I knew who did take your heart away. I have a lot of questions to ask but I kept on dismissed it away. I don't want to get hurt by my own thinking. I wish there were still hope and chances to make things better but deep inside I knew it was over. You are my first TRUE love. I never thought I would feel so deeply towards someone and he was the one that wasn't meant for me, that got away even he was the greatest thing that ever happened in my life..

Things weren't the same anymore. Life wasn't as interesting as it was but I hope yours filled with happiness and joy because all I want for you is to be happy even at times I wish you weren't. To love is to sacrifice.. That I've learned from you. Thank you for a great lesson. Be well my love. You deserved it.

With lots of love,
Aizura Nur Ismail.
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Saturday, October 15, 2011


I  feel great lately. Everything is going smooth the way it is. I thank God for that, Alhamdulillah. I'm thankful with a great job, a better life with family and friends. I hope things would be like this for the next few years or gets even better, InsyaAllah. I'm glad that things are falling into places. I really am. It may be sound a bit pathetic but I believe, losing that one person I thought would always be there for me would make my world fall apart, and now seeing is believing. It made a whole lot of difference. It's true, to gain more, you have to lose at least a few. In my case, you know what I'm talking about. 

At times, I do feel how much it hurts, but it wasn't as bad as before. God knew I have a strong heart. I know I do too. So this is a prove how much better I am from before. This is the new old me. 

Thank you for all the support that I received from all my loved ones. 

It's my time to get up on my own two feet. To be that independent strong woman. 

Thank you. 

p/s: Here's the new me! ;)

Monday, October 3, 2011

My Precious

Today is my 27th birthday. Another year has pass me by. Second celebration without dad around and the first without him. I never thought I'd be okay, but I am fine. Even though deep inside, I miss them both, they would always be in my heart..

Papa, last 25 birthdays that we've celebrated together, means a lot to me. This year, it will be more meaningful to me. I hope you're watching me from up there as I grew older.

Mama, thanks for giving birth to me.. You're a mother that I used to take for granted, and I shall not from now onwards. I'm sorry for all the things I've done.

To my siblings, we may have our love-hate relationship but blood is thicker than water and I love you both no matter what. I'm glad you're my elder siblings.

DR, last 3 birthdays has been a wonderful and lovely. Even last 4 years we've spent together.. I still keep those gifts you gave me. Thanks for the memories.

My friends, who knew me for the past 27 years of my life.. Thank you for being there.

I love you all..


I'm grateful to God for sending me these people in my life.

Here's to a great start. A new beginning. Happy birthday Aizura Nur Ismail / Zara Ismail. You're blessed. I am. :)
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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Life As It Is

I've started my new life. I'm blessed that I still have people who cares about me. I'm thankful I've met a few strangers who could guide me. I was scared to get close to the people around me because I always put high expectations.

Someone told me, "Changing is a lifelong process.". I really want to change. I want to change for the best. Learning mistakes what I've done in the past and owning it up. It takes courage to face oneself. It takes courage to put trust in oneself. It takes courage to be honest with oneself.

To undo the mistakes, its impossible and not. Some mistakes we can undo it, some mistakes not at all. Those that we can't undo it, we learned it, figure how to make things better. There are a lot of ways to resolve it and to resolve it, we have to not follow our emotions or heart. That was and still my fatal flaws. Never think carefully, rationally, logically.

We are still learning to get to know ourselves. Sometimes, I'm quite surprised with myself. I knew the old me, the person who used to be strong hearted and independent is still inside of me. I just shoved her away. I will be that person again. That is the real me. I hope she will come back soon.

Life has its own way teaching us new things, meeting new people. I do not want to give up anymore. I should not. I should be grateful for the things happened in my life. I now believe, why God kept on making me go through these rough roads, because He knows I can face it.

When there's a will, there's a way. Before loving someone else, I need to love myself. I have to. That's how much I owed myself.

Here's to a new start, a new beginning.

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Saturday, September 3, 2011

First Love, You Are My Love

It took me 4 years, to realized, he is my first love. I thought I've experienced it. Truth is, I'm experiencing it now. That's the reason I've been hurting so much. It is this love that grow me maturedly slowly. It is this love that I've learned a lot, about life, family, friends, work and of course, love.

I've dated a lot of men, but never in my life, been so hard to let go. I thought the guy who came back into my life after 10 years was my first love but he was just a high school crush. Another guy I've dated for 3 years, he was my first long term relationship but he wasn't the one who took my breath away. He taught me about jealousy and trained me to be faithful and loyal.

Later on, after 4 years, fighting with the forces of nature, I realized, this man, right now in my life is my first love. No wonder it took me this long to let him go. I am afraid of losing the person who taught me a lot of things in my life. Who has never gave up on me. What I didn't realized, this man has given me more than I needed. It's time to let go and grow on my own.

It hurts when I typed each and every word right now. Deep down inside, I know I have to do what I should have done a long time ago. I never have the guts to do it because I might regret it. I know love will find the way back into my heart.

Thank you my first love for the most beautiful 4 years of my life. No words could describe how grateful and thankful I am to have you in my life.

Take care and I will always love you.

Monday, August 29, 2011

That Woman

One woman loves you..
That woman loves you wholeheartedly
She follows you around like a shadow everyday
That woman is laughing and crying...

Just how much more do I have to gaze at you alone?
This love that came like the wind, 
This love like a beggar.
If I continue this way, will you love me?
Just come a little nearer..a little more..

If I take one step closer to you, then you take two steps back.
I who love you am next to you now.
That woman is crying.

That woman now is very careful
Therefore, to learning a method of smile
Even can not talk with best friend … too much
So the woman’s heart is always crying
So that woman…is loving you…
Such a fool. 

Because it is such a fool
Can you hug me?
I also want to be loved, my dear
Day by day in my heart, only in my heart…
Just like this calling you

That woman, is still in your side
That woman… is me, do you know ?
Or You know it but still act like this ?
You really do not know,because you´re a big fool …

Friday, August 26, 2011


This is going to be another celebration that I want to celebrate. I don't find raya the same as before. It hits me hard. I thought I've accepted my father's death but deep inside it hurts. Something that I wouldn't want to feel. The feeling of loss. There are so much I want to share but somehow I don't know to write out how I feel inside. I don't want to fall apart. I'm trying to pick up myself. I'd like to walk away from everything. Everytime I look at those meds I have, I intended to just swallow it all and never wake up. I don't know how long I can bare the pain that I've buried inside.

I just don't know.

I just want to go.