Rahsia

Before I start any further, please click "play" here or at the player itself (please take note this is them during jamming.better version, please click the link.) to feel my story. By the way, it's my new band's, Car Crash Hearts debut single, titled 'Rahsia'.

Here goes...

Ok, I've been rambling about this "rockstar" whom I fell for recently. So there I was, at KL Indie Fest'09. He was there to perform with his band. I was there to finish up what I've left with the band I'm currently and still managing.

Since the last text message I received from him, I didn't reply nor received any news from him and that would be approximately 5 days ago, 1st July 2009, 11.19am. That's when I've made up my mind or actually before that to end it all. Well, it's all written in my blog here.

Back to the story; I was sitting with Shinzu playing game on his iPhone when I saw him and gf entered the "artist room". I ignored them. What's the point to actually looked at them when I don't give a shit anymore? Didn't know the bag that was next to me belongs to him. She came over to the bag and I vaguely heard her saying, "Slut". I thought I misheard it. Oh well, I'm already having hearing problems so I ignored it. Thought I was just imagining it. Hmm hmm.

She came up to me, "Zara can I have a word with you?", obviously, I said okay since I have no problem with that. No, there wasn't any catfight. (eww fighting over a guy? waaayyy pass that.)

A: He has something to tell you.
Z: Okay..
F: I'm sorry man..
Z: Okay..
A: Stop messaging in the middle of the night and by the way, that is my number.
Z: Done.
A: Don't be so desperate.
Z: Okay..

He took her hand and they walked away.. I didn't remember being desperate. I remembered that "rockstar" I fell for was the one who actually text message me for the first time and most of the time (and that's when I'll reply or answer his calls. Won't call unless he asked me to). I remembered the day he actually called me and told me the news that he's been wanting to tell me for ages. I remembered how he looked like when he actually told me that he liked me and not forgetting how many calls he rejects while talking to me on the day he had a big fight or a break up (which I never knew and I don't want to know and I remembered asking him was I the cause of it and he said, "NO"). I remembered him thanking me, ' Thank you for still being nice to me..' after we had our last meeting at my place and I ALSO remembered him apologizing, 'Sorry for being a selfish bastard' which it never come across my mind about it. Yes, I did send, 'I miss you' text when I was drunk and that was the one and only time I did that. I remembered meeting him up one night and he had a chance to jump onto me but he didn't. I respect him for that. I remembered how he refrained himself from me and all he did was kiss my forehead before he leaves.

We had great conversations about almost everything and that includes his relationship with family, friends, band and girlfriend. I supported him along the way since the day we've met. I never thought it would end up this way. Funny isn't it? Had a great friendship, great "Meaningless conversations" as he said it.

I'm not mad for what has happened, between me and him or the KL Indie Fest incident. Not a single one. I understand what she was trying to tell me but unfortunately it was a little bit too late as I've cut him off earlier. Don't worry Alis, he's all yours. Has always been that way.

Today is his birthday and I promised her that I won't text or call anymore. Which most of the time, he did the calling and texting. Oh well, the damage is done. Remember what ever I've told you oh dear "rockstar".

Happy birthday Hafizul Azim. Have a great year and good luck in your music and future. It was great knowing you.




*sigh* It feels good to let it out from my chest. Finally, my RAHSIA is out.

Busy Bee

So far, this week has been really good to me. Thumbs up for that. I hope I'm not saying it too soon. I had so much fun and felt good. It's been a while.

I can't wait to start my new work. Got meself new sons. I have Car Crash Hearts and Rashdan Harith on board with me and soon Stonebay. Hmm hmm.. busy? Yes. I was told by my best friend to stay with the old boys until album launching. I haven't think about it. Don't want to yet.

Right now, I'm making plans for them who's with me. I can't wait for the events that I'm gonna work with Sen and Rahul. I need to make myself busy. I can't just sit down and do nothing. Currently, I'm very busy -- twitting.

Tweet me. :)

Heartache Every Moment

Isn't it easy to fall in love? It's easy to fall out of love too. Sometimes, I wonder why do we need love? Why do we search for "the one"? I'm afraid to go into one, but yet, I never fail to feel it. I hate what happened to my sister. Another fail marriage with 3 kids. How wonderful is that?

Then why do God create love when you actually have to fight for it? To appreciate it? I doubt it. To test us in faith? I doubt it. We have the best example ever. MJ, king of pop passed away 3 days ago, it's been awhile not listening to his songs, yet, after he left us, the world mourns for him. Playing his songs. No offence but this is human, you fall out love, you fall in love. Once you've lost the loved ones, then you'll appreciate it.

Why can't we all change? Change it all. Appreciate them while they are there, right in front of you. Have faith in them. Don't stop loving them. But like Shinzu said, " Life is full of shit.. ".

" To tell them you love them while they can hear you.." - quoted in Grey's Anatomy; It's not hard to say those words. I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU. These words mean a lot. Appreciate those people around you. Family, friends, spouse, colleagues and whoever around you.

Stop breaking hearts.

-- Rest in peace Michael Jackson ; 1958 - 2009.

Lovefool

Here I am, falling for a rockstar.

A rockstar who actually find his way to call me. A close friend of mine told me, "Babe, he is into you.. Come on, how many guys would actually go to a public phone and call you to ask how was your day and tell you that his battery died and he is on his way back home to KL?"

How foolish am I to fall for that?

I can't get him out of my head. I'm spinning around.

I'm a lovefool.

I Deny It

How could you ever possibly fall for a stranger? Is it because you can't have that person or it's just true that you have feelings for him/her?

I experienced a weird situation where I have no idea who he is. I do actually. I ONLY know the basics about him. I can't get him out of my head. I wonder...

Sometimes, I wonder whether what he tells me are either true or false. Either it was honesty or a lie. It's hard to read people's mind. Action says louder than words. It's unbelievable. I try not to think about it. It's not rocket science. It's not a math equation. It's a lot harder than it seems.

The thing is, he knows exactly who am I, what I want. Me? I'm complete the opposite. Suddenly, it turns into an obsession to me. To know whether my feelings are completely true or I'm just feeling this way because I can't have him.

I have butterflies in my tummy. It's been a while I haven't had that feelings. Whenever he sits next to me, eying each and every of my movements, listening to every words that blurt out through my lips. Funny isn't it?

Hoping that he would call in the middle of the night. Wishing my wished would come true -- to get an answer. An answer for that question that's been lingering on my mind. Driving me mad.

My best friend said, " It'll pass. This is just a phase. You'll get over it... ". Is it true? Maybe I didn't try harder to forget about it. BUT, yes, there is a but. The more I try to forget about him, the more I'll miss him, I want him.

I want to go to bed. I don't want to think about it, about him. I'll try not to. That's because, does he think about me before he goes to bed? I don't think so. I'm only there for him, when he needs me. I'm just a safety net.

Okay, I think that's it. That's it..

Denying is good. Ignorance is bliss.

Yes, I deny it.

Goodnight.

Safer

I haven't felt this way for such a long time. Content. Relax. Although I'm alone, I feel fine. I'm not depressed.

I am happy -- I can actually smile without faking it.

I feel safe.

A letter for a stranger

Hey there stranger,

Today I drove around, listening to your songs. I felt content. After few weeks left hanging, I got the explaination. I thank you for that. You may say you're less the man I might think you are but you're not. You're man enough to explain to me what was going on and I thank you for that.

You are the first stranger I fell for and you will always be a part for me. Thank you for making me feel special. Though it was nothing much that happened between us, it was few great moments and I thank you for that.

I wished I could help you more, but I think that's all I can do, by leaving.

Take care my dear, it was a pleasure knowing you though it was a brief moment.

Kisses,

Zara Ismail

Sentimientos

I walk by the beach, thinking of why, what went wrong.. I was the one who got played. I understand. I, as usual, will be the rebound. Always fall for selfish bastards.

I thought you would be different. I fell for it. I'm hurt. The more I tried to forget about you, the more you come into my mind. When I finally open up, I got hurt badly.

Goodbye. That's all I could say. Though nothing actually happen between us, I'd like to keep it as a memory in my head, you, as one of those strangers that pass by me.

Goodbye.

25th Birthday Wishlist

I'm turning to quarter century old in 3 months and 2 1/2 weeks. I've accomplished a few I want to do and now, I want these 25 things as my 25th birthday gift.

1. IKEA Cupboard (worth RM 139)
2. Mattress (worth RM 200 and not from IKEA)
3. 25 pairs of shoes (celebrating each year of my life)
4. Shoe racks for those 25 pairs of shoes
5. DVD player (I need a new one. So, if it has no brand, it doesn't matter BUT everyone do know that cheap thing no good, good thing no cheap)
6. Watch (Not for the wall. Wrist watch? Yes. I need one)
7. Purse (Been using it since 2005)
8. Spa treatment (I need to relax)
9. Dozen of light bulbs for my bed lamp (You need to see me and request the sample)
10. Washer machine (The old one is broken)
11. Laptop battery (Since no one can get me a Macbook 13", so I decided to use the 3 years old lappy of mine and the model is - ACER Aspire 5500Z)
12. External Hard drive (been living on thumb drives and email to store, so pathetic isn't it?)
13. Coat rack (not to hang coats but handbags because I have loads of them and no where to store it)
14. Maid that cleans the house once or twice a week
    
15. Dressing table (from IKEA as well)
16. Gym instructor or at least someone to motivate me to work out
17. A pair of jeans (seriously, I just want Levi's 501 or just from BLOOK)
18. HIM old cds since I lost 2 of it (not the latest album, just the 1st and 2nd album)
19. Internet camera (is that what you call it?)
20. Original anti-virus because I don't have any (the 3 years would do enough for me)
21. Printer (simple black and white would be enough as well)
22. Speaker or sound system for my lappy (urm, since Altec Lansing is expensive, I'll go for Sonic Gear)
23. Hangers for my clothes (can get them from Tesco, Giant, Carrefour, KK Mart, etc)
24. Beautiful Life dvds (the very first japanese series that was on telly. Takuya Kimura was the main cast. Been looking for that)
25. Last but not least, a pair of new glasses. I've been using this for 2 years, without changing the lenses.
    

Ok, that's it for now. I've decided. It will change year by year. But this is it. Just these things.

for the love of god

I hate this getaway.

I don't really enjoy it.

I don't feel home.