Walking After You

Lately I've been thinking of you. I kept on counting the times we've been apart. It hurts. I felt you walk away from my life. I felt, you left for good. I felt I was nothing.

I want to be happy for you but I'm still hurt. After all we've been through. it seems that you easily let me go. I was looking forward for Foo Fighters. I knew that was the only time I can be with you again among thousands of people sharing the same feeling watching one of our favourite band. That was how bad I miss you. Enough to share that moment even we'd be apart.

I don't know how to let go. I want to have you still in my life. You played a big role in my life. Even when I'm doing very good now with every other things in life I've dreamt for, it's not complete. You are not here for me to share it with.

Seems that you've finally let me go officially. Thanks Valentine.

Here's for you. My gift for you.

"I cannot be without you, matter of fact... I'm on your back"

Zara Ismail

Sad Eyes

I just found out that my former best friend of 17 years are getting married. Where am I? Still not knowing my futures like. I'm happy for her because she found someone who is ready to commit and love her as she is. Where else me, I'm still stumbling down the road, looking for mr right and stabilised my life, and financially. 

Honestly when I heard the news, my heart felt so happy and sad. Happy to know after all these years, she's finally found someone perfect for her. Sad because, we fell apart and I'm no longer part of her life. To make it worse, my chenta is leaving me too. How can I coped with this? Knowing my dad is no longer around to talk to. It's pretty hard for me. I can put up a fake smile, live life as I used to? wake up, work, sleep? Everyday, same routine?

I've never felt this lonely. All the people that I loved most are leaving me. I can't hold on to them forever. 

"Memories can fade but not scars..."

Wreck Inside

I'm a wreck. An emotional wreck. I always put up a smile on my face and says, "Everything is alright." or " I'm fine.". Truth is I'm not. I've never been. People calls me a dramaqueen because I love the dramas in my life. I don't. No one truly knows how I feel except for myself and God. I can only let it out when it comes to twitter or blog but not to personally to a real person.

I'm not strong enough to face everything. I'm sad that I'm hurting again. I smiled because I don't want to lose it because I know I'm losing it sometime real soon. I didn't walk away because it's too hard for me. So, I kept everything to myself. I kept my worries, my hurts, my fears inside.

I don't want to hurt anyone I love and care most. I decided to keep it all in or runaway. I love them too much it's killing me. I don't know how to be selfish. I told everyone that I am but I'm not. I can't. I don't want to see them hurting. Not one single bit. I always pray for a light to show me the way to happiness, but it seems He is still testing me. So, I stand on my ground. Go through all  the test. Whenever I'm about to fall and break into pieces now, I thought of what my late father said, "He's testing you because He knows you can go through it."

I kept my promise. I stand on my ground but I'm only human. How long more can I take?

I wished you'd see me how wrecked I am but I forgot, where I stand. I forgot who am I to you.

I'm not gonna apologize for how I felt because I am me. Accept me for who I am.

The Truth

It's been awhile I blog. Last night I finally broke down, yet, no one manage to see it. I tried so hard to be as strong as my mom. I couldn't. I miss my dad so badly. At times, when I dialed my dad's number, I wish it was him that would pick up the phone. I miss talking to him. I miss coming back home to him. I just miss him too much that it hurts inside.

I am thankful my mom is still around but, for how long? Whenever she sleeps, I just stare at her, to make sure she's still breathing. I've lost my dad, I can't afford to lose my mom. I guess it's one of those days I'm feeling so down.

I just wish things were back to normal. Everyone lives. I could never get over the facts that dad has left us. As much as I would like to celebrate his life, part of me died with I received the news of his death. My life would never be the same, without him.

"I miss you pa.. I really do."

A Man I called Papa

Papa left us 3 days before Syawal arrived. The day that I published "Picture Almost Perfect", the day I knew things were too good to be true. I would never forget the phone called I received from mama, 7.42pm, 6th September 2010, "Aizura, come back now, papa has passed away..".

I broke down. The first person I called was Danial. Then my siblings. I couldn't believe what I've just heard. It was the most heartbreaking news ever in my entire life. I was in shocked because half an hour before I received the news, I was texting with him, discussing about raya. I was just with him for 2 nights at Mantin and left day before he passed away. I took my parents out, pushed him on his wheel chair. The last I remembered, he kissed me like he would never see me again before I headed back to KL. 

Papa has been one of the best father, great man I've ever known. Though we always have our disagreements, I've always been a daddy's girl. The man I normally cry to, where I can lean and share my worries with him. He has always been a strong man. Papa is an honest man. I remembered I gave him to hold me an old five ringgit note, and he still has it in his wallet. Papa might be fierce, but I know it was for the best to all of us. 

Until now, I can't stop these tears. I know I have not provided him the best nor be the best daughter any father would have asked for, but I did my best, and i'm thankful and grateful to know from mama that I made him happy during his last days. It has been 11 days, yet I felt it was yesterday he has passed. There are no regrets, just happiness I had with him. I shall celebrate his life, his joy, his happiness. 

Now, I'm taking up my responsibilities towards my mother. The only parent I have left.

I dedicate my life to you, papa.. Thank you for everything you've taught me. You've raised me well. Your passing is a blessing in disguise, May Allah place you in heaven, where all the angels are. InsyaAllah.

Ismail bin Hamzah ( 7th MAY 1951 - 6th SEPTEMBER 2010)

I LOVE YOU PAPA FOREVER AND ALWAYS

Al - Fatihah

Thinking of You

I'm not feeling so great after all. Another 9 days, it'll be 6 months since he left me. Yes, I've been counting the days. I read a quote, "No matter how badly someone is hurting you, sometimes letting them go hurts even worse..." and that's what I'm feeling right now. I am happy. But whenever right after I had a good laugh, something just hit me in my mind and ask, ' Is he as happy as I am? '. Why is it so hard to forget this one person? I know it's kinda stupid to ask this from God, but I've always prayed something bad would happen to me so that it could make me forget about him and our past. I don't like it when I still remember.  It's not that I don't want to cherish it forever, it hurts me. I miss every single laugh we had. I miss every endless conversations. I miss everything about us. I don't know how I could actually go on like this. Thanks to my family and babies (who has been giving me great support), I am how I am now. I hate it when I cry about someone who doesn't deserve my tears. At times, I pray that I'll get a job and go far away from here. Start a new life. I don't have to go to the places that we've been before. It hurts even more when I actually visit my old home recently. It brings back millions memories. No matter how, I'm still hurting. So hard to not feel hurt. I thought I was still okay, I didn't know it was this deep. Please God, I'm praying and begging you to take away my memories so I won't be in pain..

"Just so you know, I tried my best to let go of you… but I failed."

Picture of my life / Part I

I came back from watching Sex and the City 2 with one of my girlfriends. Just to watch those fiction characters make me feel sad. Especially watching Mr Big and Carrie Bradshaw. I had a man, who was actually nice, patient, humble, understanding, in short, he was perfect for me. I had my very own Mr Big (he wasn't that "Big" after all and no, not talking about you know what you dirty minded people. hehe), and suddenly, he changed. He left without a real explanation. I was left hanging. Then, it just hit me. I was relying on him too much. He was always there for me and NOW he's no longer part of me. I've slipped again. I admit that I'm not fully recover from this bad break up. I'm still bruised inside. I'm not going to apologize for the way I feel. I know I've been depressed and I'm still in denial. Only my sister and true friends are giving me the support. I don't know where to start, not to think about him is a lie. He's always on my mind (Yes, you. I know you do read my blog).

I'm stuck here thinking what have I done wrong to you, and yes, I'm still trying figure out what happened. He has been the biggest part of me. Now, I no longer have him. Yes, I kept on repeating because I want to set a reminder to myself I'll be okay. I'm exhausted for feeling this way. I'm only human. I can't help for feeling sad, missing him. I've never met someone like him. I've met guys along the way, I shall not name names, but they all belong to other people. I'm afraid when other men come close to me. I do miss having someone who actually cares about me and I'm talking about someone special. It's been almost 5 months. Time flies so quickly and yet I feel he left me yesterday. Deep down, nothing can make me feel better. With my luck with jobs (which I'm jobless now), I don't have any other thing to make myself busy except with family and friends. They all have their own life. I'm still stuck here. Everyone are moving forward. I'm stuck here. Hear me please.

All I wanted is to have that comfort which I had previously, and God took it away. I know He has better plans for me, but I'm tired of waiting. I want Him to take away my sorrows. I should be thankful there are other people out that suffering. I'm still lucky. I'm rambling about lots of stuffs. I stopped writing my novel because I don't have my muse. I've lost it again. I've lost a lot of things that excites me.

I love you still Danial Radzmi Roslan. There, I've said it publicly. I don't care what people says how stupid am I to still love you. I tried so hard to let go, and I'm still holding on. I know you're moving on. I know that for sure. No one could ever take your place. You will always have that special place in my heart. I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm still in love with you. That's all I could say. I miss you each day, especially those days when I have so many things that I'd like to share it with you and you're not there anymore. You there, but it's not the same at all. Things are not the same anymore. I'm trying adapt. It's weird, awkward but I'm still trying. I'm not giving up. I remembered why you fell for me, and I'm not the same person and so are you. I've always wondered how things would be if we're still together. I've always wonder will you ever come back again. I've always thought about it. I kept on telling myself we're not meant to be but it's not working. I tried to remember the worst side of you, yet, you've done so many things that I'm thankful for. I believed there were reasons we met, reasons for good times, reasons for bad times and most importantly a reason we ended it. It's not that we weren't meant for each other, we weren't ready for forever. Somehow, I know we'll meet again, not quite sure where and when. For now, it's goodbye. Just let me keep these pain, these love until I know I fall out of love.

This is the picture of my love life.

"Danial, I've always loved you and will always love you. Ingat sampai bila bila."

 


Zara Ismail

Penguasa Hati

Somehow, it's been 4 months, 6 days, 1 hour you've been away. Do you ever wonder about me? Do you even cry to sleep at night thinking of me? Do you ever reminisce about us? It's been this long and I'm still missing you. I can still taste your lips, your sweet kisses. It's hard enough just passing the time. I can't seem to get you off my mind. Where is the good in goodbye? I always wonder, do you ever ask about me. I should be over you but I'm still missing you. I'd like to say more, but these lyrics are enough to say it all.

 

Sebelum kau pergi jauh dariku
Dengarlah isi hatiku tentang dirimu
Yang slalu ku cinta
Dan yang slalu ku rindukan

Maafkanlah semua kesalahanku
Ku buat kau menangis pergi dan berlalu
Meninggalkan diriku
Dan takkan pernah kembali

Dan akhirnya kesendirian hatiku
Menyadarkan diriku bahwa engkaulah
Penguasa hatiku

Engkaulah cinta sejati dalam hidupku
Kaulah yang terakhir yang slalu kunanti
Sampai akhir nanti

Dan kaulah satu-satunya yang slalu kurindukan
Menghiasi ruangan hatiku
Sampai akhir nanti

Zara Ismail

Angel of Death

No more hopes
No more dreams
My heart is broken
It's all because of Him

Angel of death
come and take me
Let it be the last breath
I just want to be free

I see rainbows and butterflies
I know it's all lies
Drain me from these pain
It's driving me insane

This is my pray. I lost all hope, all faith. I'm so tired of being so sad, all the time.

Berhenti berharap

Today is the day that I wanted him so much. The time I wish he'd still be around and hug me and tell me everythings alright. Today I just realized how lonely it was. I thought I'd be okay. I'm not. I wish I can't stop these tears. My heart is broken all over again. I miss my "bestfriend". Talking to him over the phone just now was just too much for me. As much as I want him to be my shoulder to cry on, I know it's over. I wish there's a reset button. I don't have to remember he existed in my life three years ago. He'd know what to tell me. I just want to rip my heart out right now.

I don't know where to start. Four months ago I was dumped, and today I've been layed off. What else will come next? To think, everythings going to be okay is not okay. I'm tired of pretending. I'm hurt. I'm broke. I'm jobless. Great. 26 years old and not achieving anything at all. How pathetic could I be? Attempting to write is just wishful thinking. Now, I've lost all hope again. 

Thank you God.

" Just when I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart.. "

Bila Cinta

Hari ini cukup empat bulan kau meninggalkan ku... Aku termenung seorang diri mengingati kisah kita yang lalu. Hati ini masih terluka. Air mataku membasahi pipi. Apakah salahku? Sampai kini aku tertanya tanya... Kau pergi meninggalkan aku tanpa sebarang kata. Aku masih memegang janjimu. Tatkali aku memejam mataku, aku masih melihat kau dan aku. Gelak tawamu, senyumanmu, masih segar di ingatan. Apakah kau sendiri tidak merasai apa yang aku rasa? Terluka, rindu? Walaubagaimanapun, kau masih di hati ini. Lagu ini ditujukan khas buatmu.


Bila cinta kini tak lagi bermakna
yang kurasa kini
hanya lah nestapa
ditinggalkan cinta masa lalu....


Dulu kau tawarkan manisnya janjimu
dan ku sambut itu dengan segenap hatiku
hingga engkau pergi tinggalkan ku...


Hilangnya cintamu
menusuk hatiku
hingga ku memilih cinta yang fana
perginya dirimu merobek jantungku
hingga ku terjatuh dalam harapan...


Ku sebut namamu disetiap doaku
dan ku kan setia kenangan tentangmu
yang ku dapat hanya lah bayangmu...

Zara Ismail

I Miss You

Everyday, before I go to sleep, I think of you.. Everyday, when I wake up, I'm not in "our" house. You're not next to me. I see different faces, I see me alone. I tried to hate you, but, how can I hate the person who holds my heart? The person whom I was in love with and will always love...

It hurts so much that today, I cried. I cried my heart out. I cried missing you badly. I cried because those memories still haunts me. I don't want anyoneelse but you. Only you could make me feel better. I thought I was okay, but, I've never been. Nothing is the same anymore. My heart is aching badly.

" I think it's time I let you go... and that is hard to do because part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life.. "

Better in Time

It's been the longest time I remembered without you.. I didn't know where and who to turn to. Seems like somehow I can't forget you after all that we've been through. If you didn't notice, you mean everything to me. I used to think when I let you go, I've set you free, I'll be right here waiting for you. I thought you could take your time, find everything you need and I won't go away. I could keep your things right the way you left them and I'll be right here waiting for you to find me to come back to me..

I couldn't go to the places where we used to go, even turning on the television without something reminds me of you. Was it all that easy to just put aside your feelings? Even though I really love you, I know I'm going to be okay.

When you say you're leaving, as you walk away, I know there's nothing left to say. Since there's no more you and me, I know it's time to let you go... So I can be free and live my life how it should be. No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you. I thought I could not live without you. It's going to hurt when it heals too but I know it will all get better in time.

"Wanting you is hard to forget, loving you is hard to regret, losing you is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet. Sometimes, the memories are worth the pain..."

Letter For You

Hey you,

How are you? I hope you're doing well. I know you're reading this blog. I have a confession to make. I miss you. It's been awhile.. yet, my anger hasn't reduce one bit of it. I may be happy but when ever someone opens up the topic, yes, about "us", I became mad. Mad for letting myself hurt by you. Mad for letting you hurt me, AGAIN. I wish I could say this out loud but I just don't want to come close not even 1 inch to you. That's how angry I am.

I don't hate you, but I hate what you did to me. I used to pray that you'd fall and die, but that's not right after all. So, I've prayed day in and out, karma's a bitch. Yes, it's still anger typing all these nonsense.





*breathe in breathe out*


Now, since the anger is gone, I know you know what I'm trying to say between the lines.
Take care.


Zara Ismail.

You Wreck Me

Me : How did we let this end this way when it could've been better?

Him : I don't know.

Me : For all the things we've been through, I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm disappointed and I'm frustrated. BUT, you don't have to apologize because I forgave you and I'm sorry for the things I've done and said to you..

Him : I won't let you dissappear from my life.

Me : .....

That was the last conversation we had. Well, partly. We hugged, and walked away. That was two and a half months ago. I'm still bitter. When I had to talk to him, I became this person that I wasn't. I became angry. I'm moving on, yet the wound hasn't heal. I hate myself right now. This is not me. I'm only happier when I see my babies (best & good friends) and my family. When I'm alone, I'm bitter.

I'm quieter compared before. I hesitated when the guys came closer. I don't see the world as it was. I was a lover and I'm not anymore.


I'm wrecked.
You wreck me.

Too long we’ve been denying
Now we’re both tired of trying
We hit a wall and we can’t get over it
Nothing to relive
It’s water under the bridge

~ "It Is What It Is" by Lifehouse

Sejati

Hari ini, aku cuba blog dalam bahasa.

Aku rasa kekosongan. Aku teringat akan diri orang lama. Apa khabarnya? Tiba-tiba nostalgia datang membawa sejuta kenangan. Air mata bergelinangan membasahi pipi. Sudah lupakah dia kepada diriku? Walaupun aku ada ramai teman yang menghiburkan diri ini, akan tetapi, tidak sama dengan dirinya.. Aku buntu. Pilu sungguh hati ini. Berkali-kali aku memesan diri ini cuba melupakannya, aku tewas dengan perasaan diriku sendiri. Namun semuanya kenangan... Hanya lagu "Sejati" dari Wings menemani hati yang luka ini.

Sejati
Itu yang kau ucapkan
Bila janji kugenggam
Bawah pohon kemboja
Yang sekecil kita

Menanti
Di mahligai mainan
Kita bina bersama
                                                      Dari dahan yang rapuh

Usia perangkap kita
Remaja kita tinggalkan
Namun aku masih
Menggenggam janji

Tinggal kenangan
Gagal segala impian
Tinggal bertanya
Erti sejati

Kenangan itu
Hanya mainan bagimu
Tinggal bertanya
Erti sejati
Yang telah engkau janjikan dulu

When A Heart Breaks

                    No one told me ever told me it would come to this... What began with such a promise, which end with such a twist. Everybody's laughing. Maybe that's just me. Does something unrequited mean it will never be? I lean into the whisper but I don't hear anything. Life, for now, I've come to fear. You've dropped me off and left me here. With nothing here to find my way, but the light you take as you pull away.. Far ahead the brush is moving and there's others here and good still proving. it's a tear in the dark all alone in the car in pieces. It's the sound of a mistake as I'm lying awake and sleepless. That is the sound that's made when a heart breaks. 

Nothing's wrong, it's in my mind... Nothing's wrong and I'll be fine...

Reminder to Self

Forget his name
Forget his face
Forget his kiss
His warm embrace

Forget the love that you once knew
Remember he has someone new...
Forget him when you hear your songs
Remember when you cried all night long...
Forget how close you once were
Remember he has chosen her...

Forget how you memorized his walk
Forget the way he used to talk
Forget the things he used to say
Remember he has gone away...

Forget his laugh, his grin
Forget the way he held you tight
Remember he's with her tonight...

Forget the time that went so fast
Forget the love that moved, it's past
Forget he said he'd leave you never
Remember he's gone FOREVER...

"I cried today... not because I miss you... or even wanted you... but because I realized I'm gonna be all right without you." - Zara Ismail

The End

"It's funny how that one person you always use to talk to and have meaningful conversations with you is now a complete stranger and act like they never knew in the first place..."

 Zara Ismail

Early Review of 2010

Where shall I start?

2010...

January has been good to me but towards the end of it, starting first week of February, eveything fell apart. My car was filled with water. Well, quarter of it. I was then violated by someone whom I trusted. Days later, I was snatched. One hell of weekend. I was too traumatized until I was too scared to be alone. Thankfully, I have my beloved boyfriend who's there for me. Even my sister too. I shall never forget that. My mind was fucked up. Until now I can't get rid of those visions. The feeling of insecurity. Please be careful my dear friends and readers.

I became very clingy to my sister, my bestfriend and my boyfriend. I don't know how to step up again. After series of unfortunate events, I hope I can be stronger. I'm learning to step up. I hate being alone still. At first, I was all okay. I can chill by myself. Now, I'm bit paranoid. Seconds, God took all my confidence away. I did resent him. But just for that moment. I thought I've lot my faith. I didn't. Thankfully.

Morale of the story, do not trust people though they seems nice, be aware of your surroundings.

Have a pleasant day me readers and friends.

Cheers!