Picture of my life / Part I

I came back from watching Sex and the City 2 with one of my girlfriends. Just to watch those fiction characters make me feel sad. Especially watching Mr Big and Carrie Bradshaw. I had a man, who was actually nice, patient, humble, understanding, in short, he was perfect for me. I had my very own Mr Big (he wasn't that "Big" after all and no, not talking about you know what you dirty minded people. hehe), and suddenly, he changed. He left without a real explanation. I was left hanging. Then, it just hit me. I was relying on him too much. He was always there for me and NOW he's no longer part of me. I've slipped again. I admit that I'm not fully recover from this bad break up. I'm still bruised inside. I'm not going to apologize for the way I feel. I know I've been depressed and I'm still in denial. Only my sister and true friends are giving me the support. I don't know where to start, not to think about him is a lie. He's always on my mind (Yes, you. I know you do read my blog).

I'm stuck here thinking what have I done wrong to you, and yes, I'm still trying figure out what happened. He has been the biggest part of me. Now, I no longer have him. Yes, I kept on repeating because I want to set a reminder to myself I'll be okay. I'm exhausted for feeling this way. I'm only human. I can't help for feeling sad, missing him. I've never met someone like him. I've met guys along the way, I shall not name names, but they all belong to other people. I'm afraid when other men come close to me. I do miss having someone who actually cares about me and I'm talking about someone special. It's been almost 5 months. Time flies so quickly and yet I feel he left me yesterday. Deep down, nothing can make me feel better. With my luck with jobs (which I'm jobless now), I don't have any other thing to make myself busy except with family and friends. They all have their own life. I'm still stuck here. Everyone are moving forward. I'm stuck here. Hear me please.

All I wanted is to have that comfort which I had previously, and God took it away. I know He has better plans for me, but I'm tired of waiting. I want Him to take away my sorrows. I should be thankful there are other people out that suffering. I'm still lucky. I'm rambling about lots of stuffs. I stopped writing my novel because I don't have my muse. I've lost it again. I've lost a lot of things that excites me.

I love you still Danial Radzmi Roslan. There, I've said it publicly. I don't care what people says how stupid am I to still love you. I tried so hard to let go, and I'm still holding on. I know you're moving on. I know that for sure. No one could ever take your place. You will always have that special place in my heart. I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm still in love with you. That's all I could say. I miss you each day, especially those days when I have so many things that I'd like to share it with you and you're not there anymore. You there, but it's not the same at all. Things are not the same anymore. I'm trying adapt. It's weird, awkward but I'm still trying. I'm not giving up. I remembered why you fell for me, and I'm not the same person and so are you. I've always wondered how things would be if we're still together. I've always wonder will you ever come back again. I've always thought about it. I kept on telling myself we're not meant to be but it's not working. I tried to remember the worst side of you, yet, you've done so many things that I'm thankful for. I believed there were reasons we met, reasons for good times, reasons for bad times and most importantly a reason we ended it. It's not that we weren't meant for each other, we weren't ready for forever. Somehow, I know we'll meet again, not quite sure where and when. For now, it's goodbye. Just let me keep these pain, these love until I know I fall out of love.

This is the picture of my love life.

"Danial, I've always loved you and will always love you. Ingat sampai bila bila."

 


Zara Ismail

Berhenti berharap

Today is the day that I wanted him so much. The time I wish he'd still be around and hug me and tell me everythings alright. Today I just realized how lonely it was. I thought I'd be okay. I'm not. I wish I can't stop these tears. My heart is broken all over again. I miss my "bestfriend". Talking to him over the phone just now was just too much for me. As much as I want him to be my shoulder to cry on, I know it's over. I wish there's a reset button. I don't have to remember he existed in my life three years ago. He'd know what to tell me. I just want to rip my heart out right now.

I don't know where to start. Four months ago I was dumped, and today I've been layed off. What else will come next? To think, everythings going to be okay is not okay. I'm tired of pretending. I'm hurt. I'm broke. I'm jobless. Great. 26 years old and not achieving anything at all. How pathetic could I be? Attempting to write is just wishful thinking. Now, I've lost all hope again. 

Thank you God.

" Just when I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart.. "

Heartache Every Moment

Isn't it easy to fall in love? It's easy to fall out of love too. Sometimes, I wonder why do we need love? Why do we search for "the one"? I'm afraid to go into one, but yet, I never fail to feel it. I hate what happened to my sister. Another fail marriage with 3 kids. How wonderful is that?

Then why do God create love when you actually have to fight for it? To appreciate it? I doubt it. To test us in faith? I doubt it. We have the best example ever. MJ, king of pop passed away 3 days ago, it's been awhile not listening to his songs, yet, after he left us, the world mourns for him. Playing his songs. No offence but this is human, you fall out love, you fall in love. Once you've lost the loved ones, then you'll appreciate it.

Why can't we all change? Change it all. Appreciate them while they are there, right in front of you. Have faith in them. Don't stop loving them. But like Shinzu said, " Life is full of shit.. ".

" To tell them you love them while they can hear you.." - quoted in Grey's Anatomy; It's not hard to say those words. I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU. These words mean a lot. Appreciate those people around you. Family, friends, spouse, colleagues and whoever around you.

Stop breaking hearts.

-- Rest in peace Michael Jackson ; 1958 - 2009.

Lovefool

Here I am, falling for a rockstar.

A rockstar who actually find his way to call me. A close friend of mine told me, "Babe, he is into you.. Come on, how many guys would actually go to a public phone and call you to ask how was your day and tell you that his battery died and he is on his way back home to KL?"

How foolish am I to fall for that?

I can't get him out of my head. I'm spinning around.

I'm a lovefool.

I Deny It

How could you ever possibly fall for a stranger? Is it because you can't have that person or it's just true that you have feelings for him/her?

I experienced a weird situation where I have no idea who he is. I do actually. I ONLY know the basics about him. I can't get him out of my head. I wonder...

Sometimes, I wonder whether what he tells me are either true or false. Either it was honesty or a lie. It's hard to read people's mind. Action says louder than words. It's unbelievable. I try not to think about it. It's not rocket science. It's not a math equation. It's a lot harder than it seems.

The thing is, he knows exactly who am I, what I want. Me? I'm complete the opposite. Suddenly, it turns into an obsession to me. To know whether my feelings are completely true or I'm just feeling this way because I can't have him.

I have butterflies in my tummy. It's been a while I haven't had that feelings. Whenever he sits next to me, eying each and every of my movements, listening to every words that blurt out through my lips. Funny isn't it?

Hoping that he would call in the middle of the night. Wishing my wished would come true -- to get an answer. An answer for that question that's been lingering on my mind. Driving me mad.

My best friend said, " It'll pass. This is just a phase. You'll get over it... ". Is it true? Maybe I didn't try harder to forget about it. BUT, yes, there is a but. The more I try to forget about him, the more I'll miss him, I want him.

I want to go to bed. I don't want to think about it, about him. I'll try not to. That's because, does he think about me before he goes to bed? I don't think so. I'm only there for him, when he needs me. I'm just a safety net.

Okay, I think that's it. That's it..

Denying is good. Ignorance is bliss.

Yes, I deny it.

Goodnight.

Sentimientos

I walk by the beach, thinking of why, what went wrong.. I was the one who got played. I understand. I, as usual, will be the rebound. Always fall for selfish bastards.

I thought you would be different. I fell for it. I'm hurt. The more I tried to forget about you, the more you come into my mind. When I finally open up, I got hurt badly.

Goodbye. That's all I could say. Though nothing actually happen between us, I'd like to keep it as a memory in my head, you, as one of those strangers that pass by me.

Goodbye.

for the love of god

I hate this getaway.

I don't really enjoy it.

I don't feel home.

All over again

It's just one of those days, after a long time not arguing. Small matter turned into a big thing. I just understand it. Today you're okay, and the day after you're not. I've tried so hard not to bother, demand things that I know I won't get it, what else do you want? I even have to find entertainment outside so I won't bother you. Aren't you grateful enough? What is it this time? The last time you've change is because of her. NOW?

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of getting attention from other people. I'm tired of these nonsense. I'm already unhappy. Tried to be. Pretending to be. Denying the facts.

I'm doing my best to change. I can't do it all alone. Stop being this way. Just stop.

Suicide or Song

Sorrow rebuild me as I step out of the light,
Misery strengthen me as I say my goodbyes...

I heal my wounds with grief;
-- And dream of you,
And weep myself alive...

In Joy and Sorrow

Wondering what's going on.. Suddenly it is so quiet. I know what I want.

I've made up my mind, but at the end, I got heartbroken.

Waiting and waiting.

" Seperti menunggu bulan jatuh ke riba.. "

In joy and sorrow my home's in your arms

in world so hollow

it is breaking my heart

Delicate

Here I am at Melaka.

Being an anti social. I just want to be alone. Sulking.

I finally know what's missing..

Lonely

I'm home.
To an empty space.

I never like coming home. I have no one to greet me at the door. Just an empty bed in an empty room. I have everything that I dream of, yet I'm all alone.

I've cried all alone thinking how sad and pathetic it is.

I don't have a boyfriend, my parents are away, siblings have their own life (as in family) and friends, they have their life too.

Here I am, blogging this pathetic blog, all alone, in the living hall.

I shall go to bed. Dream a beautiful dream...

Secret Episode

We had our moments.

That's about it.

So close BUT yet so far...

Bite Me

It's been awhile. Been busy with work. It's great, not that I'm complaining. I've never been happier compared now. I love my life right now. Doing more or less the things I've been wanting to do -- events; with a bonus -- music. Passion.

I'm just lucky. Thankful to God. Thankful to my parents who never stop praying for me. I had a conversation with someone who I barely know. Told me that heard rumors bout me; snobbish, arrogant. What if I am? I am living a whole new life.

I do remember where I come from. Oh, well. Some people..

As far as I'm concern, I never leave anyone behind. Correct me if I'm wrong. All I want is to live my dream, and it'll come. 5 years from now, RSG Events, insyaAllah, will be one of them. That's a promise to thyself.

" Do you know how to rest and chill ? "

When Love and Death Embrace

Today I create a drama. Unnecessary drama. Bringing up small matter. Making it as a huge deal, like its the end of the world. I mixed everything up. I made him leave. Not picking up the phone, not replying any of my messages. I want to leave everything. I hate the way it is. We are already drifted apart. We're still denying. I'm not myself lately. I can't think through. I hate myself when I look at myself in the mirror. I feel like smashing the mirror. Peel my skin off. Pull my hair. Blind myself. I hate the way I am. 

I'm sorry. Will you still love me...?

Die,Kitty Die!

Why is it so hard to forget someone? Why is it so hard to stay mad at someone for quite some time? I want to do that. Unfortunately, my characteristic is not like that. I kept on forgiving them, and move on. I kept on, sweeping it under the carpet. Why can't I be selfish? I want to be one of them who always think about themselves. Hurting and saying those cruel words. Everytime I'm angry, I tend to take a deep breath and smile.

Why would he bother? Like he said, he doesn't have obligations and responsibilities at all. Selfish? Yes. Never seems to care about anyone except for himself. No wait, I'll give him credits to acknowledge about the world and other people but not me.

I've been so upset with him for god knows how long but everytime I try to say it, I just thought to myself, "What the hell for? Wasting time only. Better cherish what we have." Funny right?

I always think about the good thing about him, but he sees my bad traits most of the time. I'd find time for him in my busy schedules. I'd make time and find my way to be with him. I'd cancel my meetings for him. Him?

The only way for me to release my anger is to go out with those people. But come to think of it, like he cares. What if I sleep with another guy? I'm not his girlfriend like he claims but he said, "I'll leave." It's been 2 goddamn years. I'm trying to improve but he never change. Not that I asked him to. I accept him for who he is. He always want me to change.

I let my guard down. I said sorry when I'm tired of saying it. I want to scream out loud, "DIE KITTY DIE!!!!"


I agree on what my best bud said;
fareisha says (11:54 AM): im starting to think men are complete and i mean COMPLETE in its whole sense - IDIOTS.

fareisha says (11:54 AM): serious shit ok!

Lover's Dead Lane

It's been 2 days here.. I'm going home soon. Can't believe I took another road trip to find peace. Thank god it's over between me and him. The argument. I feel better now. Penang is lovely. Celebrating Valentine's all alone. Cruising around the island. Not as beautiful as Langkawi but in a way, I found my 2nd home. Close enough though...Didn't get a chance to take photos as I forgot to bring my camera along. I wish I don't have to go back, but hey, reality check, I got bills to pay. Another place for me to throw away all my sadness. Coming back to Penang next week for Bunkface's gig. Can't wait. Wish I could bring him along...

Silent Valentine's

Here I am, by the beach... trying to paint my sadness. It's back to square one how I felt. Whatever I did, it wasn't enough, was never good to his eyes. Strolling by the beach alone. Wishing and praying things would change. Seems he never bother. Is it the end? I have no clue.. I miss every moments. All those happiness... Who am I to you...?

fix the problem, not the blame...

Passing Dreams with Tears...

I kept on wondering, what's life gonna be in few years time. I'm 25 this year. I have nothing except my pride. Most of my schoolmates and cousins are married. Both, my elder siblings have each 3 kids of their own. One is almost happy with his life and the other left to UMRAH to find peace after few years of rocking marriage. Me? 

Still with the same person. Dare not to change a single bit. Last 2 days went to Jalan Tandang with him for a drink. We talked almost about everything. I enjoyed my times with him. It's been 2 years. Love for him hasn't fade. I guess for now...

Funny when people never understood our situation. Every girl dreams a beautiful wedding or life with their loved one. But me, I don't. I'm too afraid. I know he doesn't have the same feelings towards me. But I still stay. Knowing he loves someone else, I still stay. Stupid? No. Comfort zone? No. If I could find the other answers for it why, I'd stated it out here. For now, I know it's LOVE.

When I reached home, I'd still feel lonely. Felt like I've lost him. Again. 

Nothing's change.

Helpless

I can't take it. I left home and walk to my favorite Kopitiam. "Damn that's far!". I can't stay home during weekend. My normal weekends for the last one year, I spent it with him. Lately, since it's holy Ramadhan, I've been at home, and at times, I'll have a friend of mine to accompany me. She has nothing to do. Today I've never felt lonelier compared previously. I'm stressed because I have an event coming up less than a week. Thank god I have few friends helping me out. While I was walking, a thought crossed my mind. Why did I stay? I kept on asking myself. I thought I knew the answer, but obviously, I'm totally clueless.

My close friend asked me, "Why did you stay?", and i could not answer her. I thought I stayed because I love and care about him. Of course I do. I though I stayed because of the sex. Partly. Did I stay because I'm afraid of being lonely? I mean, I used to asked him, "Why did you stay?", he answered, "Because I can handle it." I told him, I need him to leave. It's not easy but we have to let go. Then he came back and say, he misses me. Of course I miss him too. And we're back at square one. There's one day, I stupidly took my last 2 valium and finished up my Black Label. Thought I could sleep over it. Turned out, I was stoned and said things I've shouldn't said. I said to him and my other loved ones, "I want everyone to leave. I want to leave.". He said, "It's not impossible to leave." and we're still at the same pace. Okay, I bet everyone is confused what am I rambling about. Let me rant it out about my relationship/companionship/partner/lover first.

He's confused. That's what everyone says. He doesn't know what he wants. Again, that's what everyone says. Okay, my friends said it. What they know about it. Every one of them said, whenever she's (this girl whom I hate and him, worshipped the ground that she walks, but I don't know what stopped them being together, well I knew why his bestfriend and I didn't like her) around, he'll straight away changed into someone. Last merdeka eve, he chose her over me. "That goes without saying", and so he said to me. But why did he stay? I kept on asking. It hurts to be the second one. But why do I stay if it hurts? Yet, I haven't gotten any answer to it.

There's one time, I bumped into an old friend..

R: Where's your boyfriend?
Z: What boyfriend?
R: What do you mean what boyfriend?
Z: I've broke up with him a long time ago.
R: You did?
Z: I thought I told you..
R: No, you didn't. It's sad.
Z: What do you mean?
R: You guys are good together.
Z: Good together or looked good together?
R: Good together. Seeing your pictures, can see how both of you compliment each other.
Z: Oh..

And there goes my night. How miserable it is to have that conversation playing over and over in my head. I hate it when he goes out with her, and I know he'll kiss her, hold her like he did to me. Yet, I stayed. It's so complicated. My bestfriend said to me, "It's not complicated. It's simple. Either you stay and get hurt over and over again or you leave, and suffer that pain over few months and move on.". I bet many of you agree with it. Like he said, it's not impossible, but it hurts. What kills you makes you stronger. Until now, I don't know what's in his head. Until now..

Now, I'm stressed. Worried none or a few would show up for my event. All this while, I've been assigned to do an event and everything are prepared. But this time, I'm doing it by scratch, not knowing where to start, how to get people to come. I'm hadling people's money some more. *sigh* Last I've checked, my self esteem is pretty low due to hmm look where I am. Jobless, alone where no one to lean to besides friend, oh and I'm going broke. My parents aren't supportive enough. They always ends the conversation, "Pandai-pandai awak la.". Weee~ good advice. What an awesome motivation! Thumbs up! "Get a job.", that's what they said to me. What have I've been doing? Sitting at home being a bum? I think Jobstreet is my new Facebook account. I'm afraid to call my sister now. I don't know whether she's upset with me or not. Oh dear god. What am I supposed to do? Raya is coming up and I can't provide a thing. Hutang keliling pinggang ada lah.

My friends, they have their significant others. I'm normally out with my new bff. He's going through some tough moments. If he's busy, here I am. Sitting alone at my favourite Kopitiam. Ranting out how I feel here and finishing up my last RM10.

Sad. Pathetic. What a loser.