Brave New World

Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January.Our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of New Year resolutions.Put your past behind you and start over. It’s hard to resist the chance of a new beginning. A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not a day on a calendar. Not a birthday, not a new year. It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope.A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But it’s also important to remember that amid all the crap, there are a few things really worth holding on to.

It's been awhile. I've been busy. Not dead. Still breathing.

Tasks:-

• Managing Bunkface - shows back to back (been a crazy month for me)
• Running events at Lepaq (finally quits and 26th Dec 08 was my last gig)
• Running my own company (finally registered and doing a few projects with my partner, Meor Ezarim)
• Spending time with my bestfriend, Atie and my dearest sister, Nelly (both going through hard time)
• Saving my "companionship" (in a way, since both him and I are busy, we hardly spend time together and mostly it's about work and I totally forgot how does it feels)

By today, midnight, it's 2009. I don't really have a long list for resolutions, but I do know what I want.

Goals:-

• Making sure my babies, hence, Bunkface, grow to the next level - Sunburst KL, Melbourne, Singapore, Indonesia.
• My company ; READY STEADY GO EVENTS, do lots of events 
• Malaysian Festival in Melbourne - 3rd October 2009 (gift for my 25th birthday)
• Still breathing
• Happy with him

It's gonna be a brave new world out there for me. InsyaAllah. I've been waiting for these moments. InsyaAllah, I'm gonna make it through.. 

Happy New Year folks! May all your dreams come true.. I do.

Welcome 2009, Goodbye 2008.

Zara Ismail

Our Bliss

Passionate,sensual and divine,
Soft touching of fingertips.
Finger painting my body.
Join by stroking tender lips.

The bare skin heats up,
Building passion with no rush.
Taking time to concentrate,
Your lips are now your brush.

Slow passionate sweeping strokes,
Fingers and lips trace every spot.
Teasing touches here and there,
Heat rising with passions hot.

Almost breathless neath your lips,
Your body I gently squeeze.
Turn to you with my wet brush,
With my lips I begin to tease.

I liberally stroke your skin,
Pausing to share a tender kiss.
As we both continue painting,
In passionate and sensual bliss.

Wherever I Go

Wherever I go, I take you with me,
‘Cause I don’t want to see you leave.
Whenever I go, you stay with me,
They won’t see you leave.
Are you here with me?
I want you here with me
Whenever I turn, you are gone from me.
And I won’t see you leave.
Wherever I go, your shadow follows me
I don’t want to see you leave.
Are you here with me?
I want you here with me.
You are here with me.
And I am here with you.
You are here with me.
And I am here with you

You never left

When everything's colour runs dry and the beautiful things
Don't seem as beautiful anymore
I know it's time to find you again
Amongst all the things you have given me.

When I lose the will the use the smile you gave me
and when the silence is just too unbearable,
I know it's time to unbury your words
From the deepest parts of my soul.

When I can't feel anything
When I can't speak
When I can't see you
I just need to remind myself that you're always there

That which fills all of the would-be emptiness
In my paper heart.
A perfect key fitting into a broken
And lonely padlock.

It's just that I missed you for so long,
Even if you never left.

Sexpert Extraordinaire!

I was so boring at home, I decided, "Hey, I think I wanna do quizes!". So, I did. After one another from friendship to relationship quizes and then... Jeng Jeng Jeng~ My eyes glued at the monitor. I was hooked. Written - 'Are you sexpert enough?'. Here's the result.

Go on, gloat -- you deserve it! Game to try anything once, gregarious and confident in bed, you've not only got few inhibitions and a high sex drive, but you're as sensitive to your lover's needs as you are to your own (and more than capable of satisfying both).

Your huge appetite for hedonistic pleasures attracts swarms of partners. Match up with an equally skilled lover who's as adventurous, imaginative and nonjudgmental as you are and erotic, earth-moving encounters happen daily.

You leave your lovers with a sloppy grin on their faces, and your exes not only still find you excruciatingly attractive, they like you heaps because you're as good at relationships as you are at sex. You give as much as you take; you masturbate both with and without your partner; and you aren't afraid to speak up in bed, encouraging your lovers to do the same. Flexible and gloriously liberated, you'll try anything once trust develops. Go straight to the head of the class!

Ehem.

Grin + Winks.

Enough said.

There He Goes...

He left me.
Without a word, he turns away.

He broke my heart into million pieces.
Without noticing it.

He left me clueless.
Without telling me his true feelings.

Rainbows & Butterflies...

"Thanks for the memories..."

Situasi

There's one day, a very good friend of mine buzz me up on ym;

nuril anwar: zara, ada band nak cari manager la. zara nak tak?
zara322_g: ye ke? band apa? zara ok je la la la la~
nuril anwar: ok ok nanti nuril kasi no
zara zara322_g: oh ok ok.. haha yang tade experience nie jadi band manager.. hahaha
nuril anwar: hahhaa try jeeeee

Later on, I got a call from this dude, Ijam, calling me while I just woke up explaining to me about
the band. I then sms him, 'Can you please sms me the name of the band again?'. He replied, ' www.myspace.com/bunkface '. My eyes stop blinking. 'Bunkface?', I mentioned it a couple of times and then I straight away called Shinzu, "Bunny! omg omg omg, I might be Bunkface manager!". "You're serious?!", that's all he asked. "Yes! I can't believe it, we went to Laundry a couple of weeks ago and watched them..", "Bagus la tu..".

There you go, after a meeting, went to watch them performed at MCPA hall on 2nd November 2008, I knew, good thing will come.

My very first trip with them was to X-gig at Ipoh, Perak. I was damn nervous. I cried calling my best friend that I wanted to see her before I left and it's only for 2 nights. I had a fight with my bunny, because I wanted to talk to him as well. I left without saying goodbye.

Where X-gig is held

the band is interviewed by Shaz @ X.fm

During my journey, I can't believe that I'm actually leaving town with strangers. Worried I might not get along very well. Truth is, I did. I had so much fun there. I made new friends. The Tyre burst during the 3 hours journey. It was at km288.3 and I won't ever ever forget that. I was even called " hot "mum" ". I shall not name, name. Haha. I had 16 "children" to be taken cared. I remember how cute they all were.. I had to hold an umbrella to make them go to bed. Wake them up early and make sure they get breakfast and go to "school" (sound check) early. Fun.

Ijam "fixing" the Tyre

I shall not forget this.

crazy frigging awesome crowd!

with my "children"

with the X.fm crews and few of my "children"
(Bunkface and friends/entourage)

Lata Kijang, Perak

On the way back, we stopped at Lata Kijang, Perak. Beautiful. I walked all the way up to get nice shots. Wished I had a DSLR. Wished I knew how to use it as well. Tee Hee Hee. It was one of the best trips I had after a long time. Last I remembered it was to Port Dickson with my bunny and friends and that was few months ago.

Now, I'm at home. Sick. Boo Hoo Hoo.

I miss my bunny.

I miss my bestie.

I want my mommy.

Terima Kasih Cinta

Tersadar di dalam sepiku
Setelah jauh melangkah
Cahaya kasihmu menuntunku
Kembali dalam dekap tanganmu

Terima kasih cinta untuk segalanya
Kau berikan lagi kesempatan itu
Tak akan terulang lagi
Semua kesalahanku yang pernah menyakitimu

Tanpamu tiada berarti
Tak mampu lagi berdiri
Cahaya kasihmu menuntunku
Kembali dalam dekap tanganmu

Terima kasih cinta untuk segalanya
Kau berikan lagi kesempatan itu
Tak akan terulang lagi
Semua kesalahanku yang pernah menyakitimu

Maybe Baby

Some people may find it funny when you're going away for 2 days where the place only takes up 2 hours of driving and you tell them you're scared and nervous at the same time. I felt that. I even cried to my best friend telling her I feel so sad leaving her behind. Not just her, my partner as well. But he's upset about me calling him so many times within an hour or two. maybe I've done that in the past to check on him. but now, I'm calling him just to talk to him before leaving. He may not understand it. He said he knew that he means a lot me but at one point while talking to him, he makes me think that he doesn't know it.

I just wanted to say goodbye, maybe not forever. Hopefully. Nauzubillah.

I just wanted to say that I love you, though I've told you so many times. I don't want it to be too late.

Maybe I'm having my pms. maybe it's just my nervous and scared feelings because I'm going away with some people that I barely know. Maybe. I don't know. I hope my journey will be ok and everything will be normal when I get back. Hopefully..

Like I said, I love you both. forever.

You are mine...

danial & me

reciting "Lestat, My Dark Angel"

reciting "You Left Me A Melody"

I was so nervous that I gulped quarter of my friend's beer. It was my very first recital. I've invited a few poets. Obviously they are good. That made me more nervous. Most of my friends were there. The most importantly, my partner and my bestfriend were there. I recited what I wrote for them. I had my very good friend, Rendra Zawawi to strum the guitar while I read "You Left Me A Melody". I then read, "You Are Mine", dedicated to my bestfriend of 15 years. The funniest part, I cried instead of her. Haha.. I love you both. You guys are important to me. Never ever forget that. Without you, there's no me...

Friendship

What is friendship? This is what I get from Wikipedia (I'm a lazy bum so I search online; easier.)

Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more beings. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them.

So here I am, sitting, wondering, what actually went wrong with my "close" friends. I do know friends come and go through stages. There are friends from your childhood, kindergarten, primary school, high school, college, work and some others, you got to know them through other people.

me with Arwah Shai/"madu"

I went through all those stages. I've gained and lost lots of them. Just recently, I lost another one.. He was my best friend's boyfriend of 4 years. I called him my "madu". That's because I gotta share her with him.. He has always been a good guy and at times, yes he can be a jerk but most of the time, he did take care of me as well. He passed away last 2 weeks, motorbike accident. A tragic one. I never got a chance to say goodbye to him. The last 4 years, they were together, I was with them. I saw their ups and downs, we actually shared it together. I remembered the 1st time they were together, how they got together, in a way, I help them as well. I gave my best friend's number to him. But I wasn't there for my best friend, before his last breath. I never got a chance to say goodbye.

It reminded me, another close friend of mine who passed away 4 years ago. She was my schoolmate. We sat together in class. After highschool, we went our separate ways and I got really busy and before she passed away, she did try to call me, and like what had happened, I never got a chance to say goodbye.

I still have few close friends, but this particular someone, who's actually pissed at me quietly. Until now she's not talking to me, for I know nothing about it. If I've never say this before to you, here I am, thanking you for what you've done to me, been there for and with me, thank you so much. You're still very dear to me. Maybe work got in between us. But whatever it is, I really appreciate you. The very 1st time I knew you until now. I'm sorry if I ever done or say wrongly to you. Oh, hell. it's friendship.

For the readers, don't you ever take your own sweet time to tell your friends that you love them. Thank them. Don't wait for any occasion. It might be too late. I've never felt so sad until now. Even now I'm crying thinking what I've not do or say to them..This is such a painful lesson in life..



Rest in peace my good friends, Shaiful Hannan (1985-2008) & Vicky Andayani (1984-2004) Al-Fatihah...

Broken Heart

Dan bila kau menghilang
Musnah lah, musnah impian
tuk menggapai bintang
terangi hidup ku
Ku mahu kau tahu
engkaulah, destinasiku
dalam ingatanku - Situasi

Of Rainbow & Us

Give me a smile
When I'm down down down
Give me your touch
When I'm all alone

She brings back those days
Of rainbows and us

Share me your rainbow today
Share me your rainbow tonight
I'll be waiting I'll be waiting I'll be waiting
To smile with you

Lend me your smile
When you're down down down
Lend me your touch
When you're all alone

She brings back those days
Of rainbows and us

Share me your rainstorm today
Share me your rainstorm tonight
I'll be waiting I'll be waiting I'll be waiting
To cry with you

*It's so sweet of you to write this song, and to hear you sing, I'm touched. Thank you.*

Kehadapan bintang jatuh...

It hasn't been a really great week for me though I had lots of fun. It's just letting the time pass by. Today was one of those days that I really had it. I never walk away from someone and today I did it. I was so frustrated and pissed.

There I was, on that space. He wrote it beautifully. Tears of happiness and sadness flowed, streaming down my cheek. Funny how it is, but I never want it to end... Never.

The beauty of what we have lies in the uncertainty of what to come. The beauty of us can be found in undecipherable puzzles with vague questions and impossible answers. We are young, foolish and confused. There is no other time in life that can ever be both the best and worst as now. What we have is beautiful and sad, because at any moment, we can lose each other. And that is why it is beautiful, and sad. Because it is so fleeting, so fragile, so uncertain. But despite everything, here we are, looking at your most beautiful photograph, side by side, smiling. And that is all that matters. Today. Now. This moment is all that matters.

"And all the chances that we take,
For years and years,
We'll have this place,
They were always for you,
Always for you"

Hush

Don't you make a sound,
Nobody can hear you,
Just listen to me
Listen for one last time...

Excuse me,
But use me again,
Confuse me, like you always do
And let me feel the pain,
I am always there

Are you happy now?
Have you had your fun?
Maybe it's time to stop
Maybe it's time to runaway

Spinning round and round
Try to fix you when you're down
You just, Pushed me away
Fallen to the ground
No one else to help me up
You just, crushed my heart today!

written by Nick Davis

*one of my ultimate fav now. it's exactly what i'm going through..*

Lestat, My Dark Angel..

Bear me no ill, my love..
We are now even.
What died was the last breath of me...
The world is a tomb for me;
A graveyard full of broken statues;
-- And each of those,
resembled your face.

I walk the streets,
savoring long lost memories.
I caught the sense of death;
It wasn't coming from the graves.

I haven't wept enough;
For what you've done to me.
Oh god,
I love you still.
That's the torment of it.
Who'll care for me, my love..
My dark angel, when you are gone..?

Someone You Used To Know

It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
that it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
our love is lost, and we cant figure why
maybe it really is about time
that we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
i hope that when you find someone new
that she would always be true to you
to love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then i would slowly be
a distant memory

*Soon i'll just be
that someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
i hope you'll find your intended
But i'm sorry
that your intended isn't me

it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
i know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me

i admit i made mistakes
but darling with you it's just the same
if we stay there will be more to make
i dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
to stay with something no longer there
but it doesn't mean i no longer care
but i'd feel like a burden you can't bear

*Copyright 2008*
*KokoKaina*

Acoustic Raya @ Lepaq Cafe

Lepaq Performing Arts Cafe is hosting an acoustic showcase especially for this month's Aidilfitri celebrations. Lepaq Cafe believes that our modestly sized venue is no hindrace to hold an acoustic gig with a line up as long as a mini Rock The World concert.

Starting from 6.00pm till late, over 20 performers will grace the stage and knock your pants off. With a rojak variety of singer songwriters, bands, a few songbirds and an acapella group, it would surely be an unforgettable night at Lepaq Cafe.

We will be selling our super finger licking good lemang and rendang. Come with an empty stomach and fill it up with our specially homemade Raya food! We only get to have lemang and rendang for a month in a year. Before this month ends, make the most out of it!

Kokokaina will be performing at Acoustic Raya @ Lepaq!

Also, Rendra Zawawi and Izzy Mohamed will be selling their EPs there! Be sure to bring some spare cash ;)

Acoustic Raya @ Lepaq is proudly supported by Don't Panic Malaysia.

Love, Oh Where Are Thou?

Isn't it sad, loving someone and that someone loves someone else?

funny how life is. I came across with a friend of mine. I just met her and she told me how she felt. I told her, "Babe, I've been through that and trust me I know how does it feel. Hoping he would feel differently.". It was a long time ago, and when I think about it, it hurts. Waiting and waiting and when you actually moved on, that person realized how much you meant to them and it's too late. It hurts. Years of waiting. Now, when I think about it, I'm stuck in a situation which it hurts as well. Like my best friend said, "You want it, face it.", and it hurts at time.

Takkan lagi aku menunggu

Kau hadir di dalam mimpi-mimpiku

Puasku mengharapkan dirimu

Seperti mereka yang punya cinta..

Ramadhan ALL YOU CAN EAT BBQ Buffet

It's not always that you can have an all-you-can-eat buka puasa BBQ buffet while listening to live music, no? Well, if you have RM20+ (that's only like 2 RM10 prepaid topups) and a bit of time to spare before packing off to balik kampung, do drop by Lepaq Cafe at Desa Hartamas this coming Saturday on the 27th September from 6.30pm to 10.30pm!

(for a sneak preview of how the place looks and feels like, click here.)

There will be acoustic performances by Radzlan, Arabella, Hanis & Friends, Voce (acapella), Miss Daya, Chot Ali and the Bandbin (formerly of Bau, must see!) and Captain G. And special guest performances by Ray Cheong, Rendra Zawawi and many more! Plus, the event will be covered by TV3's Remaja and sponsored by Don't Panic Malaysia! For those who have RSVP-ed confirmed there will be door gifts waiting for you on that day.

For you Facebookers, do check out the event page at Jom Berbuka & berBBQ @ Lepaq Cafe. If you don't have a Facebook account, contact Zara (016-2366617/017-3024840) or Atraz (019-3136915). Come on come all! Bring your friends, family, pets, anybody and everybody!

Helpless

I can't take it. I left home and walk to my favorite Kopitiam. "Damn that's far!". I can't stay home during weekend. My normal weekends for the last one year, I spent it with him. Lately, since it's holy Ramadhan, I've been at home, and at times, I'll have a friend of mine to accompany me. She has nothing to do. Today I've never felt lonelier compared previously. I'm stressed because I have an event coming up less than a week. Thank god I have few friends helping me out. While I was walking, a thought crossed my mind. Why did I stay? I kept on asking myself. I thought I knew the answer, but obviously, I'm totally clueless.

My close friend asked me, "Why did you stay?", and i could not answer her. I thought I stayed because I love and care about him. Of course I do. I though I stayed because of the sex. Partly. Did I stay because I'm afraid of being lonely? I mean, I used to asked him, "Why did you stay?", he answered, "Because I can handle it." I told him, I need him to leave. It's not easy but we have to let go. Then he came back and say, he misses me. Of course I miss him too. And we're back at square one. There's one day, I stupidly took my last 2 valium and finished up my Black Label. Thought I could sleep over it. Turned out, I was stoned and said things I've shouldn't said. I said to him and my other loved ones, "I want everyone to leave. I want to leave.". He said, "It's not impossible to leave." and we're still at the same pace. Okay, I bet everyone is confused what am I rambling about. Let me rant it out about my relationship/companionship/partner/lover first.

He's confused. That's what everyone says. He doesn't know what he wants. Again, that's what everyone says. Okay, my friends said it. What they know about it. Every one of them said, whenever she's (this girl whom I hate and him, worshipped the ground that she walks, but I don't know what stopped them being together, well I knew why his bestfriend and I didn't like her) around, he'll straight away changed into someone. Last merdeka eve, he chose her over me. "That goes without saying", and so he said to me. But why did he stay? I kept on asking. It hurts to be the second one. But why do I stay if it hurts? Yet, I haven't gotten any answer to it.

There's one time, I bumped into an old friend..

R: Where's your boyfriend?
Z: What boyfriend?
R: What do you mean what boyfriend?
Z: I've broke up with him a long time ago.
R: You did?
Z: I thought I told you..
R: No, you didn't. It's sad.
Z: What do you mean?
R: You guys are good together.
Z: Good together or looked good together?
R: Good together. Seeing your pictures, can see how both of you compliment each other.
Z: Oh..

And there goes my night. How miserable it is to have that conversation playing over and over in my head. I hate it when he goes out with her, and I know he'll kiss her, hold her like he did to me. Yet, I stayed. It's so complicated. My bestfriend said to me, "It's not complicated. It's simple. Either you stay and get hurt over and over again or you leave, and suffer that pain over few months and move on.". I bet many of you agree with it. Like he said, it's not impossible, but it hurts. What kills you makes you stronger. Until now, I don't know what's in his head. Until now..

Now, I'm stressed. Worried none or a few would show up for my event. All this while, I've been assigned to do an event and everything are prepared. But this time, I'm doing it by scratch, not knowing where to start, how to get people to come. I'm hadling people's money some more. *sigh* Last I've checked, my self esteem is pretty low due to hmm look where I am. Jobless, alone where no one to lean to besides friend, oh and I'm going broke. My parents aren't supportive enough. They always ends the conversation, "Pandai-pandai awak la.". Weee~ good advice. What an awesome motivation! Thumbs up! "Get a job.", that's what they said to me. What have I've been doing? Sitting at home being a bum? I think Jobstreet is my new Facebook account. I'm afraid to call my sister now. I don't know whether she's upset with me or not. Oh dear god. What am I supposed to do? Raya is coming up and I can't provide a thing. Hutang keliling pinggang ada lah.

My friends, they have their significant others. I'm normally out with my new bff. He's going through some tough moments. If he's busy, here I am. Sitting alone at my favourite Kopitiam. Ranting out how I feel here and finishing up my last RM10.

Sad. Pathetic. What a loser.

Selamat Tinggal Sayang

Ku disini menanti

Masih menanti kehadiranmu

Ku dibayangi kenangan lalu

Kau datang dan pergi

-- sesuka hati

Biar kubawa lara hati ini

Ku rindu pelukanmu

sentuhan lembutmu

belaianmu..

Bukan diriku pilihan hatimu

Kau yang memilihnya 

tanpa memikir diriku

Biarlah aku mengundur diri

Membawa kenangan kita..

"Kini aku hanya dapat berdoa, agar berbahagia kau disampingnya..Selamat tinggal.."

Say (All I Need)

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Big Girls Don't Cry

The smell of your skin lingers on me, now
You're probably on your flight back to your hometown
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
Be with myself in center, clarity, peace, serenity

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Warkah

Takkan lagi aku menunggu
kau hadir di dalam mimpi-mimpiku
puasku mengharapkan dirimu
seperti mereka yang punya cinta

Diriku tanpa dirimu
kau tempuhi penuh bahagia
diriku mahu kau tahu
pedih ini kau tak terasa

Warkahku mengharapkan dirimu
seperti yang aku kenali dulu
setiaku menantikan dirimu
seperti setianya terhadap diriku

Tapiku melepaskan mu
melangkah namun tak berdaya
terusku terus menunggu
cinta yang takkan pernah ada...

Lost for words

I read it. I lost those words. I just don't want to think about it anymore. It's painful to go through it.

I was right all along.

She'll take it

She wishes time will pass by so quickly. She doesn't want to feel that pain anymore. She's so afraid. She's so confused. She hates that big void.

crushcrushcrush

It hurts so much. I'm out with all my good friends but I can't stop thinking about him. I'm really hurting. Not to make things obvious, I smiled and laughed weakly. There's only one person can see through my eyes, how sad I was. Sometimes, it is so hard to pretend.

" He's having fun. You should. Why must you be sad and him smiling? ", that's what an old flame of mine said to me. I wish things are differently. I'm not strong enough anymore. I don't have that strength. I'm tired of it. It's too much to take it at once.

I don't deserve it.

Reinvented.

As I entered the book store, I know that familiar smell. The smell of new books. Just with that smell, brings me down to memory lane. Tears flowing like a dam just broke. My heart ache. I feel the pain. The pain that I've been denying to feel. The pain of loss. The pain of loneliness. The pain of heartbroken. I had to get out from there. As I rushed out, my steps stop. I couldn't blink. That book was staring at me -- or I was just being paranoid. " I have to let go.." I said to myself.

"Why? Why can't I just be this way? Why can't I feel how and what I feel right now?" asked the demon in me; more likely a poor heartbroken girl, begging me not to let go.

'Shut up! Just shut up! Learn how to stand on your own. One day he'll leave..' That's all I could say to her. I wiped my tears furiously. Stepped out of the store with my head held up and that tiny voice in me, "Don't give up, you're still learning.." I put up a smile, not knowing it's fake or real...

Strange Effect

You've got this strange effect on me;
and I like it.

You make my darkness bright.
You're my shining knight.

You've got this strange effect on me;
and I like it.

You took me in your arms.
You spin with me and dance.

You've got this strange effect on me;
and I like it.

I like the way you kiss me.
I don't how to feel it,
I love it.

You've got this strange effect on me;
and I like it...

Shadows of Ourselves

Mechanical heart where are your batteries ?
Lost in a world totally stranger
What is the reason for all these lies
We don't have the right to withdraw anymore

What is this intoxication that pulls us
From where come all these words that attack me
Incomplete pleasures that bewitch me
We don't have the right to close these doors anymore

I do not have time to panic
To save us from ourselves

Tired of being sorry

I don't know why
You want to follow me tonight
When the rest of the world
With whom I've crossed and I've quarreled
Let's me down so
For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

So far away - so outer space
I've trashed myself - I've lost my way
I'm standing in the street
Crying out for you
No one sees me
But the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

What If You

What if you wish me away,
would you spoke those words today?
What if you said those words I've longed to hear,
would I'll be there to care?

I've always felt like I belong.
I've always felt you holding me;
Kissing me.

What if you could treat me better,
would you write me a letter?
What if you...
and I'll be forever with you.

Save me

You know how when you were a kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming, who'd carry you away to a castle on a hill. You'd lie in bed at night and close your eyes, and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close, you could taste them. But eventually, you grow up.

One day you open your eyes, and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely. Cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well...it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that it's happily ever after. Just that it's happy right now. Once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while...people may even take your breath away.

Only you

I tried to calm this sadness in my heart,
Pictures of you walking away;
Memories of you lingering around my mind.

Story of the past,
Story of you and me,
Memories.

I shouldn't have let you go,
I'm dying inside.
When would this pain go away?
Only you can help
Only you are capable.

(circa 2005)

Sorry seems to be the hardest word..

sometimes i'm just tired to say sorry over and over and over again.
sometimes i'm just too upset but i'd still say i'm sorry.
sometimes i just wonder why and what i'm sorry for.
sometimes i just hate that sorry words.
sometimes i just want to cry because when i said i'm sorry but people never seem to care.
sometimes i think that sorry is just an excuse.
sometimes saying sorry is the hardest thing to say.

" Just say you're sorry.. Say it sincerely.. "

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Dearest beloved,
I'm here..sitting;
Waiting for that moment to come.
The day you'll say, "You're mine",
But time is so cruel.
It moves too slowly,
and waiting...is tormenting.

Dearest beloved,
When that day comes,
I've moved on.
Taking my shattered heart along...
Tears dried up;
left only the scar.

Dearest beloved,
It's not too late.
Do realize I'm still sitting,
waiting...
wishing.

(circa 2005)

Mistakes That I've Learned ( And Still Learning )

Got Together Too Soon

Scenario: When you met someone you like, eventually he/she gave the same response, you have these adrenaline rush, your heart skipped a beat, butterflies in the tummy; You jump into a relationship.

Lessons: Hold on a little bit. Get to know each other. Be friends. It works actually. You just have to keep some for yourself so that in the future you won't get hurt. Yes, you can't control feelings, BUT think wisely, who wants a relationship that everybody knows it will be great in future to end half way? Yes, you can flirt with him/her and guess what, that's the fun part. The temptation. Once both of you sense it's the right time to proceed to the next level, you'll appreciate each other more.

Spending Time 24/7

Scenario: Everything is beautiful. You always want to be with each other 24/7. It's like the end of the world if you lovebirds don't see eye to eye. Ditched all your friends and family because he/she is your #1 priority in your schedule.

Lesson: Once starting living in each others life 24/7, you'll get bored. It's like indulging rich food. You'll lose the uniqueness. The good part of why you should be spending time together. there's only so much you can have. After a while, your appetite changes and you want something different (eg: that's the reason why most men find their "entertainment" from someone else. Oh well, ladies too.). People often mistake intensity with intimacy. Intensity is when you have great sex and get along really well but Intimacy, is what good couples have - history, ups and downs and loyalty and it takes years to develop.

Pleasing Each Other Too Much

Scenario: "Yes dear, I can cancel those plans and stick to yours". That's a good example. You will always want to make your loved ones happy. Puts aside yours.

Lesson: 2S. Selfish and Stupid. Selfish for the other party for not seeing it (because being pampered too much). Selfish towards yourself (you should put yourself first!). Stupid for those who does it. Relationship is about compromising. Give and take. It takes 2 to tango. Not a one way street. When either one fo you keep on doing that, you'll hurt each other. Do you want that?

Discussion is important. Try not to be selfish. Because when you're selfish, it'll turn to greed. Greed turns to taking for granted. And when argument arises, all you got to do is face the consequences.

Seeing Everything From One Side

Scenario: Never mind the dishes in the sink or dvds on the floor. You'll clean it up and oh well, your partner can laze around. He/she is tired. Or he/she is actually explaining/talking something and you either continuing flicking the tv channels or doing house chores.

Lesson: There's a famous line in the flick Dumb & Dumber where Jeff Daniel's character says, " I called her up, she gave me bunch of crap about me not listening to her or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. " Can we relate that? Many couples are having these problems because they don't listen to each other. Too busy defending their point of views that they forget to resolve the issue at hand. Talking through it is the key to having an equal relationship. Help your partner to talk if he/she can't. When one of you said sorry, regardless it's your fault or his/hers, say sorry as well. Don't stand there do nothing. Don't let your ego controls you.

Forgetting To Live In The Moment

Scenario: Planning is good. Going to the movies, dinner, etc. Work work work.

Lesson: Drop those plans! Just out of the blue, take your loved ones for vacations or some activity that both of you longing to do. Surprise them if you can! Better still, switch of your mobiles, cook dinner, have candlelights (too cliche?) or order in pizza and get those dvds that both of you wanted to watch for quite sometime. Spend quality time together. Don't make it as a routine. Just live in the moment like you're not gonna spend time with each other anymore.


These are the mistakes I did in my past relationship. Even now in my companionship. These are like notes for me, a self reminder. Lessons for people out there before they destroy their beautiful relationship. These are my new plans (from "My Favorite Mistake"). I'll do my best not to repeat it. Not to be the pain in the ass. Not to push it away.

My Favorite Mistake

People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories...diagrams of all their old wounds.Most of our old wounds heal leaving nothing behind but a scar, but some of them don't.Some wounds we carry with us everywhere...and though the cuts long gone...What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful...or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did.Maybe our old wounds teach us something...they remind us of where we've been and what we've overcome.But that's not the way it is, is it? Somethings, we just have to learn over and over and over again.

And that is my favorite mistake. Learning over and over again. Becoming someone's pain in the ass and said sorry for more than God knows. For example you're in The Amazing Race,each contestants always have a plan, where to go, when to go, yada yada yada. But even with the best plans, complications can arise, things can arise and suddenly you're caught with your pants down. The thing about plans is...they don't take into account the unexpected. So, when we're thrown a curve ball, whether it's in the race, or in life. We have to improvise [which I've been telling myself over and over and over again]. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to Plan B and make the best of it. And sometimes...what we want...is exactly...what we need. But sometimes...Sometimes what we need is a new plan. And I need it.

The Self Destruct Button

In life we are taught that there are seven deadly sins. We all know the big ones. Gluttony, pride, lust, bla bla bla. But the sin you don’t hear much about is anger. Maybe it’s because we think anger is not that dangerous. That we can control it. My point is maybe we don’t give anger enough credit. Maybe it can be a lot more dangerous than we think. After all when it comes to destructive behavior, it did make the top 7. So, what makes anger different from the 6 other deadly sins? It’s pretty simple really. You give into a sin like envy or pride and you only hurt yourself. Try lust or coveting, and you’ll only hurt yourself, and probably one or two others. But anger... Anger is the worst. The mother of all sins. Not only can anger drive you over the edge. When it does, you can take an awful lot of other people with you.

I did. I pulled everyone down. I lost lots of people. Anger is dangerous. Everyone has their limitation of patience. When you're in anger, think of your loved ones. Well, at least. Try harder. Because when you lose it, you'll lose it all.. "One Mississippi... Two Mississippi... Three Mississippi..."

Love?

-- What is love?

Love can be anything. Love is God, love is art, love is music, and the list goes on. That depends on each invidividual; how they define love; what they understand about love. But for me... What is love?

Love is blind. Love is a virus; a sickness. Love is hell. Love kills me. I used to believe in it. Now, I don't. I love and love and love, at the end of the day, I got hurt. Again and again and again... I'm tired of chasing these futile hopes. The more I love, the more it breaks me. I am vulnerable now because of it. I've stopped searching for it. "Maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong.."

Lost into Space.

I sat down wondering. Thinking. Lost into my own thoughts...

Unwritten

Here I am, sitting, thinking and typing. Sometimes, I just wonder why I can't really write anymore.. I just realized, I don't have that inspiration. That particular someone to make me write. That particular someone to make me feel. I lost the touch. Someone said to me once that, "No worries, it'll come..." but all I write now is more or less boring. Agree, no? I miss that feeling. The feeling where it'll lift me up. That feeling that makes me write. I miss it. I tried looking for it. Unfortunately, I'm not attracted to anyone at all now. I'm tired of looking. I rather be the way I am right now. Like a bull in a chinashop. Trust me I have no idea what I just said. Now all I need some space to find 'it'. But someone used to tell me, "Don't go looking for it. It'll eventually come on its own. Don't just sit and wait. A little prayer would help. The next thing you know, whaamp! you got it". Can I trust that advise? Go figure.

Thanks for the Memories

Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use it all means the same thing. Happy. We’re supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, lovers, family. Happy just to be alive. Whether we like it or not. Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful is recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciate small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

If I Knew...

If I knew when's my death,
I'd pray to God to live longer.

If I knew when's my time,
I'd pray not to take it away.

I'm afraid of my sins will haunt me.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to tell you,
Maybe the angel will take me with her;
-- Before I repent.

If I knew that I'm leaving,
I'd say to you how much I miss you;
I want you;
I love you.

If I knew...

Oh, The Guilt!

First, do no harm. As human beings, we pledge to live by this oath. But harm happens. Then guilt happens, and there's no oath for how to deal with that. Guilt never goes anywhere on its own. It brings its friends, doubt and insecurity. Easier said than done. We can take all the oaths in the world but the fact is most of us do harm all the time. Sometimes even when we're trying to help, we do more harm than good. And then the guilt rears its ugly head. What you do with that guilt is entirely up to you.We're left with a choice.Either you can let guilt thrown you back into the behavior that got you in trouble in the first place, or learn from the guilt, and do your best to move on.

What I Am

At some point in life, most people get a sense of who they are as a person, and the kind of people they're going to become. If you ask them they'll tell you. They're going to be a doctor. A lawyer. An architect. An accountant. A Neurosurgeon. What they do for a living do more than describe their areas of expertise, they help define who they are. Because on the outside, reality, not only do most people have no clue who they are, they're afraid to find out. Believe it or not, I was trying to make everything better. Turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing... Sometimes you have to make big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who you really are. I know who I am now. I know what I want.

Wallflower

Tell Me Sweet Lies

In life, I'm forcibly trained to be skeptical because people lie to us all the time. The rule is everyone is a liar until proven honest. Lying is bad or so I was told constantly. Honesty is the best policy. The truth shall set you free. 'I chop down the cherry tree.' or 'I'm fine, just go'. Whatever. The fact is lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth friggin’ hurts. No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it. Eventually the lies reveal themselves. Whether we like it or not. But here’s the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie, and I did..

Cracks

We all go through life like living in hell. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we have done or that has been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can’t even see. We’re all damaged it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood. Then as grown ups we give as good as we get. Ultimately we all do damage. And then we set about the business of fixing. Whatever we can.

If you look closely, you might see someone like you. Someone who's trying to find their way... Someone who's trying to find their place... Someone who's trying to find themselves... Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied or barely getting by, but that feeling’s a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day. Someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in the world, To remind us that it won’t always be this way.That someone is out there and that someone will find you...

Somewhere Inside

Who am I, love?
What am I supposed to be?
One life alone;
Somehow it’s made for me.

One bleeding scar;
Still feels how it used to feel,
It’s all so wrong,
No easy way to believe.

What do I do?
What can I say?
It’s nothing new,
The choice was made.

But what if I lose my way?
And run right into you...
Deep inside we’ll never be anything other than lonely;
Tell me what does it take?
To breathe it into you...
Weak inside we’ll never be anything other than lonely.

I wanna ride,
I wanna hide,
What I’ve become;
-- Now you’re no longer mine,
I wanna feel...
Something that’s real...
Somewhere inside.

Truth about Love/Addiction

In life, we see addiction every day. It's shocking how many kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it was just drugs, booze or cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Too often things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive then compulsive and later on turns to out of control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away. The thing about addiction is it never ends well. Because eventually whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit 'til you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you're there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse... And that's the hardest thing because it's the truth. The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say aloud to really hear for ourselves and sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves.

Great Expectations

No one believes their life will turn out just kind of ok. We all think we're going to be great, and from the day we decide to become who we are now, we are filled with expectation. Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, the difference we will make. Great expectations of who we will be, where we will go, and then we get there. We all think we're going to be great. And we feel robbed when our expectations aren't met. But sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes, the expected pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the unexpected is just what keeps us steady...standing...still. The expected is just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives.

Owner of a lonely heart

The key to surviving a lonely heart is denial. We deny that we’re tired; we deny we’re scared; we deny how badly we want to succeed; we deny that we're happy and most importantly we deny that we’re in denial. We only see what we wanna see and believe what we want to believe. And it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can’t recognize the truth…right in front of our faces. Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. The world of pretend is a cage. Not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial … and face the world head on gun’s blazing. Denial. It’s not just a river. It’s a freaking ocean. Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken; it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. At first, we ignore ourselves so we can save friends and families. But the end of the day all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.

Hurt

I've never felt so sad. It is way painful compared when I ended up my relationship. I felt so neglected by someone I truly cared. I'm always there. I never leave. Thought to leave but never did. When that someone had all the problems and tantrums, I did my best. Patience and faith was all I had. People have limitations. I finally cried. Bursting into tears for someone I once cried for after quite some time. This time I cried because I was neglected, felt unappreciated. Especially when I was doing my part. Being the nice , understanding, and coolest person on earth. None can be in my shoes on how I felt, how I reacted. I'm just letting go my frustration. I'm hurt.

Disapointments

Today is the day that I just want to let all my anger, disappointments out. Some people won't get it, some people will.

I'm sitting here, still wondering what the fuck happened to my best friend. No news at all. As far as I'm concerned, I didn't do or say any wrong things to her. Last spoken to her, things were alright. If the excuse, "I don't feel like talking to anyone." is fine by me. I normally do that too but important matters had to be solve (it's settled already,thank you very much), just a sms would do.

Got news about some bitch. Was a friend whom I knew a LONG time ago. WTF is your problem, going around badmouthing me? If you have a problem, come and talk to me. Fool. For those who actually listens and believed her, God, you guys are easy!

Families, what are they for? When I needed your words of wisdom or courage (though you're going through a lot right now), an email would do to. If not, why would I turn to you?

Everybody has their own damn issues. I get it. Try to solve it. better still, find a damn effing way! Don't just sit on it and not doing anything at all. Don't avoid it.

Some people just don't understands the meaning of relationship. You don't have to spend 24-7 with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Get a life! Yes, at first things are rainbow and butterflies. It'll change. Trust me on that. There's a reason why I'm not in it. It sucks. Yes I am still heartbroken but at least I'm happy the way I am right now. Not attracted to any guys (and please, not even girls.). If some of you think dating sucks, marriage is far worse than that. You don't have to listen to your "loved" ones most of the time. You can ask their opinion, but you, yourself have to make the decisions. Experienced that. Was told either.

Oh well, at least I know who my friends really are. Guess the list is getting shorter and shorter. Thank you for opening my eyes and heart. I just hope things will change.

"Siapa makan cili terasa pedasnya.."

Time of your life

Another turning point;
A fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
Directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
And don't ask why.

It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
-Green Day

I got this title when I was The Attic,Bangsar for one of my favorites singer-songwriters, Isaac Entry last performance (he's leaving for 3 months). I was there with one of my girl friends, Nisa T. Devlin (just the 2 of us girls!) celebrating me getting a new job. While Isaac was on a break for his second set, Green Day's song; Time of your life, played.

And so, I recalled what happened for the last one week. A week ago, I was jobless and almost broke (thanks mum and dad for helping me out!). Today, I was hired by a MNC company, Kelly Services as a staffing consultant. I realized when I was really down, only a few stand next to me. A stranger (it's because I wasn't close to her back then and she knows who she is) helped me out after I stated at my facebook profile that I'm jobless and if there any recommendations do let me know. She did. My beloved companion stood next to me, print me; my resume, brought me to the interviews, and supported me when I'm about to lose my mind, telling me that everything is going to be alright, and only 2 of my girl friends (whom I shall not name but they know who they are) was there too.

There you go, a time of your life. You were up and fall down and now, taking baby steps to build it up again. I pray that this one time, it'll last.

Geeks are the new HUNK.

I was at a mamak, having my "me" time reading CLEO magazine (July 2008 and get yourself a copy!!) . Flipping through the pages, one article caught my eyes. I just blinked blankly, 'I think I've heard this somewhere..oh! I remembered..' and I smirked.

Story goes...

Get over Brad Pitt and start dating your own nerdy Henry (as in Ugly Betty's bf) cause:

• GEEKS GO THE DISTANCE.missed last night's episode of Gossip Girl? Need help taking your pet pooch to the vet?Leave it to your geek to help you out.Geeks are more sensitive to your needs and will always take one step further in finding out what you truly need.

• GEEKS ARE GREAT IN BED. This has nothing to do with his package - geeks are always better lovers simply because they are better prepared, will pay attention to your needs and knows what to do to please you. By contrast, the average bad-boy will probably expect you to please him.

• GEEKS FIX TECHNICAL GLITCHES. Technical-related stuff are a geek's forte, if not they'd probably have "connections" who can help handle any of your tech-glitch.

• GEEKS MAKE THE MONEY. A great example is Bill Gates, (worth 22.21 Billion USD!!), founder of Microsoft Corporation, who (we're guessing) probably never had a date during his awkward high-school years.

So there you go. Kudos to Elsa Samuel!! I have to agree with her with everything she wrote in the magazine. I once dated a "geek" and he is one hot stuff and I never ever regret being with him at all. Best among all the guys I used to date. So ladies, go out there and hunt a geek. I am looking forward to meet other geeks in future. No more bad-boys. They are troublesome (don't anyone agree on that?). Cheerios~

xoxo,
Zara D.

Waiting for you

In a love story there's a language..
Filling up the soul.

I miss that story;
Where you and I were the main cast.

Those beautiful moments with you,
will forever sit in my memories;
-- Tormenting me.

And I ask,
Don't you miss it?
-- If those feelings are still yours.

How long shall I wait...?

Screwed up

I'm here sitting all alone. Crying inside. I feel like shit. I'm jobless. I'm almost broke. Heck, I'm left with RM30 to survive til god knows when. No one can help me. I'm basically screwed up. There's only so much I can do. I totally gave up.

My Private Pain

It's easy for me to lie and hide;
these pain behind my smile instead of crying.
It's easy for me to lie and hide;
pretending everything is alright.
It's easy for me to lie and hide;
the hurt and emptiness inside.
It's easy for me to lie and hide;
saying I have a future that is bright.
I'm at my breaking point;
Where no one else knows.
I long to stop my bleeding heart;
and smile again.

"a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Confucius

Illusion

I thought I saw you looking at me
I thought I saw you stare
Are my eyes deceiving me?
Are you standing there;
playing tricks on me just to prove I care?
Please tell me..
Are you just an illusion?

Short-circuit girl

how I got the name?

It all started after I went for a job interview today. During the interview I had to sit for a personal evaluation test; 88 questions of true and false and 3 forms to be filled in. Trust me, I had to cracked up my head.

Right after that Danial and I went for his birthday treat from friends of mine. I realized that when we were on our way, I started jumbling words, giving bad directions! [Someone is a good driver but unfortunately bad with roads and I'm the living GPS.]. As we reached to our destination and while waiting for friends of mine, I became clumsy. Knocked myself here and there.

We had fun. Telling jokes. Here are some of it..

"Kenapa Nobita dan Doraemon tak datang Malaysia?" [ans: sebab M'sia ada banyak GIANT].

"Ada satu bas jatuh gaung,semua penumpang termasok driver mati. Apa yang tak mati" [ans: roadtax.]

Then I remembered a story once was told by one of my uncles during raya..
"Jenap jalan-jalan, Jepun jalan-jalan juga. Jepun jumpa Jenab. Jepun jamah Jenab. Jenab jerit! 'Jangan jamah Jenab!' Jepun jamah juga. Jeneral Jamal jenguk. Jeneral Jamal jerit 'Jangan Jepun,jangan jamah Jenab!' Jepun jelir. Jeng Jeng Jeng~"

Creative isn't it? lol.

What a day for me. At least I made someone laugh the whole day. Oh what the hell, I always say that I'm born mentally distorted. Like d said, "general malfunction". So here's the new name; Short-circuit girl. Thanks d, for the name. I lap you la. You creative.

By your side... ( a dedication for someone special )

Happy 24th Birthday Buns!

I met this guy a long time ago.. If I'm not mistaken it's been 12-14 years. At that time I knew him by his first name only until I really get to know him. Now it's a year plus knowing him in person. I learned a lot from him. I used to write a blog about him.. and now I'm writing for his birthday as a gift of appreciation.

This is the guy whom I was in love with, who now is my companion, my best friend. The person who I would always turn to, who would always break my heart [well, used to] and now would always make me smile. This is the same guy who used to give me butterflies in my stomach whenever I see his name appeared on my caller id. He is the same guy now who made me say, "Thank god he's calling me and not any creep.." whenever my phone rang.

This guy is very unpredictable, vulnerable in a way, unique, intelligent, funny and other beautiful and wonderful words that can describe him. When he reads this he will say that I'm being biased. Truth is I'm not. I can write a whole lots of awful things about him but... I rather not to because this is a dedication to him.

He has this charm like Johnny Depp that attracts his fans all over the world [don't get too flattered d!]. Not only he is different on the outside [he is totally different from the rest of the guy I used to date], but also on the inside. He is the most caring, thoughtful and wonderful guy that I ever met. He never ceased to make me laugh, and he always listened to my trivial problems and would offer me a shoulder to cry on if I needed one [in short, he's always there...]

I'm thankful to have this special relationship with him. He is such a wonderful son. A responsible brother and grandson. Whoever are friends with him, they should be lucky and I am.

I can't afford to buy you gifts nor dinner but this is sincerely from the heart. =)

Happy 24th Birthday Danial Radzmi Roslan. May Allah S.W.T bless you. InsyaAllah.. Have a great day love!


xoxo,
Zara D.

Dreaming of you

I never knew a love
A love that could be sweeter
No matter what my mind says
You're the music that gives me fever
The moment that we danced
Your arms felt like a cradle
And when you took my hand
I was no longer able

It never felt so right before
I need to be with you much more
I can't believe this kind of fate
We can runaway...

I'm always in a spell
even when I'm sleeping
You're always on my mind
I hope that  I'm not dreaming

If I am let me stay asleep
Don't wake me up i feel complete
I never want to feel it end
What a lovely moment

All my dreams come true
When I'm laying next to you
Is that so wrong?

All my dreams come true
While I be there where you are
So I hold on

Is it love?
Dreaming of you...

Mirrors of the Soul (a dedication to my girlfriends)

The depth of a friendship - how much it means to us...
depends, at least in part, upon how many parts of ourselves a
friend sees, shares and validates. - Lillian Rubin

Whenever someone asks how would I best describe my girlfriends, I would say, "Honest, witty, responsible, sarcastic, funny, function from the heart instead of being calculating." Then, I'd just realize that I was describing myself. That is what separates bestfriends and mere acquaintances. Our closest friends mirror who we are.

It is so exciting to find someone similar to ourselves. Remembering those sleepovers and now, sharing a cup of coffee at a hip, overpriced cafe. Laughing together over raspberry sorbet and commiserating bittersweet memories over tea has become one of our most favorite ritual. Being able to share our feelings and knowing that each of us understand whatever joyous or tumultuous journeys we are going through is invaluable. When we share our tears, comforting each other in those moments of vulnerability, the swollen-eyed and red-nosed moments, proves of a loving, trusting friendship.

Even if our lives take unexpected turns and we are separated by time or geography from those women whom we shared our childhood with, we never lose the impact they have had on our lives. I take these girlfriends with me each and everyday, in my memories as well as in the warp and weft of my personality. The pain of separation subsides as I realize these friends are a permanent part of me and my life.

I love you all.
Thank you for everything.

Zara D.

There's a Stranger in My Bed

As he arrived, I smiled. He had suffered half an hour of traveling time, without food and cigarettes since lunch. He parked the car, reached for me and smiled. We walked hand in hand to my sacred place as though we always had, always would.

He moved slowly through the house as though trying to recognize something. He stood next to the door for a very long time. Faded blue jeans, white long sleeve shirt with black stripes untuck, I said to him, "You look like a movie star.." He liked that. I've set our places on the low table in front of the living-room. I handed him a glass of red wine, and we sat on the sofa. He liked that too. And so I had dinner with a stranger.

We're comfortable, uncomfortable. We smile more than we talk. We drank the heel of the red wine. He stood up, held his hand out and I placed mine on his. We walked slowly to my room. He sat next to me, looks me full face, then gently turns my face a bit to the right, holding my chin in his hand. "I'd like to go with you to your bed.." He pronounced those words slowly, clearly, as though he's practiced them.

When he sleeps it's with his cheek against my shoulder, an arm anchoring my waist. I lay awake, stroking his hair. There's a stranger in my bed, I said almost audibly. I press my mouth to the top of his head and remember the first time I met him. Here he sleeps next to me, though a stranger with long, skinny legs. But now I must sleep, too. I never thought I'd be heading for these honeyed arms, I think as I press closer to the stranger...