Helpless

I can't take it. I left home and walk to my favorite Kopitiam. "Damn that's far!". I can't stay home during weekend. My normal weekends for the last one year, I spent it with him. Lately, since it's holy Ramadhan, I've been at home, and at times, I'll have a friend of mine to accompany me. She has nothing to do. Today I've never felt lonelier compared previously. I'm stressed because I have an event coming up less than a week. Thank god I have few friends helping me out. While I was walking, a thought crossed my mind. Why did I stay? I kept on asking myself. I thought I knew the answer, but obviously, I'm totally clueless.

My close friend asked me, "Why did you stay?", and i could not answer her. I thought I stayed because I love and care about him. Of course I do. I though I stayed because of the sex. Partly. Did I stay because I'm afraid of being lonely? I mean, I used to asked him, "Why did you stay?", he answered, "Because I can handle it." I told him, I need him to leave. It's not easy but we have to let go. Then he came back and say, he misses me. Of course I miss him too. And we're back at square one. There's one day, I stupidly took my last 2 valium and finished up my Black Label. Thought I could sleep over it. Turned out, I was stoned and said things I've shouldn't said. I said to him and my other loved ones, "I want everyone to leave. I want to leave.". He said, "It's not impossible to leave." and we're still at the same pace. Okay, I bet everyone is confused what am I rambling about. Let me rant it out about my relationship/companionship/partner/lover first.

He's confused. That's what everyone says. He doesn't know what he wants. Again, that's what everyone says. Okay, my friends said it. What they know about it. Every one of them said, whenever she's (this girl whom I hate and him, worshipped the ground that she walks, but I don't know what stopped them being together, well I knew why his bestfriend and I didn't like her) around, he'll straight away changed into someone. Last merdeka eve, he chose her over me. "That goes without saying", and so he said to me. But why did he stay? I kept on asking. It hurts to be the second one. But why do I stay if it hurts? Yet, I haven't gotten any answer to it.

There's one time, I bumped into an old friend..

R: Where's your boyfriend?
Z: What boyfriend?
R: What do you mean what boyfriend?
Z: I've broke up with him a long time ago.
R: You did?
Z: I thought I told you..
R: No, you didn't. It's sad.
Z: What do you mean?
R: You guys are good together.
Z: Good together or looked good together?
R: Good together. Seeing your pictures, can see how both of you compliment each other.
Z: Oh..

And there goes my night. How miserable it is to have that conversation playing over and over in my head. I hate it when he goes out with her, and I know he'll kiss her, hold her like he did to me. Yet, I stayed. It's so complicated. My bestfriend said to me, "It's not complicated. It's simple. Either you stay and get hurt over and over again or you leave, and suffer that pain over few months and move on.". I bet many of you agree with it. Like he said, it's not impossible, but it hurts. What kills you makes you stronger. Until now, I don't know what's in his head. Until now..

Now, I'm stressed. Worried none or a few would show up for my event. All this while, I've been assigned to do an event and everything are prepared. But this time, I'm doing it by scratch, not knowing where to start, how to get people to come. I'm hadling people's money some more. *sigh* Last I've checked, my self esteem is pretty low due to hmm look where I am. Jobless, alone where no one to lean to besides friend, oh and I'm going broke. My parents aren't supportive enough. They always ends the conversation, "Pandai-pandai awak la.". Weee~ good advice. What an awesome motivation! Thumbs up! "Get a job.", that's what they said to me. What have I've been doing? Sitting at home being a bum? I think Jobstreet is my new Facebook account. I'm afraid to call my sister now. I don't know whether she's upset with me or not. Oh dear god. What am I supposed to do? Raya is coming up and I can't provide a thing. Hutang keliling pinggang ada lah.

My friends, they have their significant others. I'm normally out with my new bff. He's going through some tough moments. If he's busy, here I am. Sitting alone at my favourite Kopitiam. Ranting out how I feel here and finishing up my last RM10.

Sad. Pathetic. What a loser.