Love, Oh Where Are Thou?

Isn't it sad, loving someone and that someone loves someone else?

funny how life is. I came across with a friend of mine. I just met her and she told me how she felt. I told her, "Babe, I've been through that and trust me I know how does it feel. Hoping he would feel differently.". It was a long time ago, and when I think about it, it hurts. Waiting and waiting and when you actually moved on, that person realized how much you meant to them and it's too late. It hurts. Years of waiting. Now, when I think about it, I'm stuck in a situation which it hurts as well. Like my best friend said, "You want it, face it.", and it hurts at time.

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Ramadhan ALL YOU CAN EAT BBQ Buffet

It's not always that you can have an all-you-can-eat buka puasa BBQ buffet while listening to live music, no? Well, if you have RM20+ (that's only like 2 RM10 prepaid topups) and a bit of time to spare before packing off to balik kampung, do drop by Lepaq Cafe at Desa Hartamas this coming Saturday on the 27th September from 6.30pm to 10.30pm!

(for a sneak preview of how the place looks and feels like, click here.)

There will be acoustic performances by Radzlan, Arabella, Hanis & Friends, Voce (acapella), Miss Daya, Chot Ali and the Bandbin (formerly of Bau, must see!) and Captain G. And special guest performances by Ray Cheong, Rendra Zawawi and many more! Plus, the event will be covered by TV3's Remaja and sponsored by Don't Panic Malaysia! For those who have RSVP-ed confirmed there will be door gifts waiting for you on that day.

For you Facebookers, do check out the event page at Jom Berbuka & berBBQ @ Lepaq Cafe. If you don't have a Facebook account, contact Zara (016-2366617/017-3024840) or Atraz (019-3136915). Come on come all! Bring your friends, family, pets, anybody and everybody!

Helpless

I can't take it. I left home and walk to my favorite Kopitiam. "Damn that's far!". I can't stay home during weekend. My normal weekends for the last one year, I spent it with him. Lately, since it's holy Ramadhan, I've been at home, and at times, I'll have a friend of mine to accompany me. She has nothing to do. Today I've never felt lonelier compared previously. I'm stressed because I have an event coming up less than a week. Thank god I have few friends helping me out. While I was walking, a thought crossed my mind. Why did I stay? I kept on asking myself. I thought I knew the answer, but obviously, I'm totally clueless.

My close friend asked me, "Why did you stay?", and i could not answer her. I thought I stayed because I love and care about him. Of course I do. I though I stayed because of the sex. Partly. Did I stay because I'm afraid of being lonely? I mean, I used to asked him, "Why did you stay?", he answered, "Because I can handle it." I told him, I need him to leave. It's not easy but we have to let go. Then he came back and say, he misses me. Of course I miss him too. And we're back at square one. There's one day, I stupidly took my last 2 valium and finished up my Black Label. Thought I could sleep over it. Turned out, I was stoned and said things I've shouldn't said. I said to him and my other loved ones, "I want everyone to leave. I want to leave.". He said, "It's not impossible to leave." and we're still at the same pace. Okay, I bet everyone is confused what am I rambling about. Let me rant it out about my relationship/companionship/partner/lover first.

He's confused. That's what everyone says. He doesn't know what he wants. Again, that's what everyone says. Okay, my friends said it. What they know about it. Every one of them said, whenever she's (this girl whom I hate and him, worshipped the ground that she walks, but I don't know what stopped them being together, well I knew why his bestfriend and I didn't like her) around, he'll straight away changed into someone. Last merdeka eve, he chose her over me. "That goes without saying", and so he said to me. But why did he stay? I kept on asking. It hurts to be the second one. But why do I stay if it hurts? Yet, I haven't gotten any answer to it.

There's one time, I bumped into an old friend..

R: Where's your boyfriend?
Z: What boyfriend?
R: What do you mean what boyfriend?
Z: I've broke up with him a long time ago.
R: You did?
Z: I thought I told you..
R: No, you didn't. It's sad.
Z: What do you mean?
R: You guys are good together.
Z: Good together or looked good together?
R: Good together. Seeing your pictures, can see how both of you compliment each other.
Z: Oh..

And there goes my night. How miserable it is to have that conversation playing over and over in my head. I hate it when he goes out with her, and I know he'll kiss her, hold her like he did to me. Yet, I stayed. It's so complicated. My bestfriend said to me, "It's not complicated. It's simple. Either you stay and get hurt over and over again or you leave, and suffer that pain over few months and move on.". I bet many of you agree with it. Like he said, it's not impossible, but it hurts. What kills you makes you stronger. Until now, I don't know what's in his head. Until now..

Now, I'm stressed. Worried none or a few would show up for my event. All this while, I've been assigned to do an event and everything are prepared. But this time, I'm doing it by scratch, not knowing where to start, how to get people to come. I'm hadling people's money some more. *sigh* Last I've checked, my self esteem is pretty low due to hmm look where I am. Jobless, alone where no one to lean to besides friend, oh and I'm going broke. My parents aren't supportive enough. They always ends the conversation, "Pandai-pandai awak la.". Weee~ good advice. What an awesome motivation! Thumbs up! "Get a job.", that's what they said to me. What have I've been doing? Sitting at home being a bum? I think Jobstreet is my new Facebook account. I'm afraid to call my sister now. I don't know whether she's upset with me or not. Oh dear god. What am I supposed to do? Raya is coming up and I can't provide a thing. Hutang keliling pinggang ada lah.

My friends, they have their significant others. I'm normally out with my new bff. He's going through some tough moments. If he's busy, here I am. Sitting alone at my favourite Kopitiam. Ranting out how I feel here and finishing up my last RM10.

Sad. Pathetic. What a loser.

Selamat Tinggal Sayang

Ku disini menanti

Masih menanti kehadiranmu

Ku dibayangi kenangan lalu

Kau datang dan pergi

-- sesuka hati

Biar kubawa lara hati ini

Ku rindu pelukanmu

sentuhan lembutmu

belaianmu..

Bukan diriku pilihan hatimu

Kau yang memilihnya 

tanpa memikir diriku

Biarlah aku mengundur diri

Membawa kenangan kita..

"Kini aku hanya dapat berdoa, agar berbahagia kau disampingnya..Selamat tinggal.."

Say (All I Need)

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Big Girls Don't Cry

The smell of your skin lingers on me, now
You're probably on your flight back to your hometown
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
Be with myself in center, clarity, peace, serenity

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Warkah

Takkan lagi aku menunggu
kau hadir di dalam mimpi-mimpiku
puasku mengharapkan dirimu
seperti mereka yang punya cinta

Diriku tanpa dirimu
kau tempuhi penuh bahagia
diriku mahu kau tahu
pedih ini kau tak terasa

Warkahku mengharapkan dirimu
seperti yang aku kenali dulu
setiaku menantikan dirimu
seperti setianya terhadap diriku

Tapiku melepaskan mu
melangkah namun tak berdaya
terusku terus menunggu
cinta yang takkan pernah ada...

Lost for words

I read it. I lost those words. I just don't want to think about it anymore. It's painful to go through it.

I was right all along.

She'll take it

She wishes time will pass by so quickly. She doesn't want to feel that pain anymore. She's so afraid. She's so confused. She hates that big void.

crushcrushcrush

It hurts so much. I'm out with all my good friends but I can't stop thinking about him. I'm really hurting. Not to make things obvious, I smiled and laughed weakly. There's only one person can see through my eyes, how sad I was. Sometimes, it is so hard to pretend.

" He's having fun. You should. Why must you be sad and him smiling? ", that's what an old flame of mine said to me. I wish things are differently. I'm not strong enough anymore. I don't have that strength. I'm tired of it. It's too much to take it at once.

I don't deserve it.