Goodbye Double Standard Friendship

I bought Cleo Magazine this month issue. There's an article about friendship. Made me realized that I do have that DS issue. I tracked back my memories of having a bestfriend and why we stopped talking. Interesting.

Here I am blogging about how I feel inside. I never had the chance to say good bye, I'll do it here then. 

I've been friends with her for the past 15 years. I can't recall how we became close, but we did. I remembered those days whenever we've finished school (primary that is), we'll head back home and continue to talk through endless phone calls rambling about nonsense. We would not miss out calling each other almost every other day. We rarely go out together but we just talk over the phone and meet up at school. As we moved to high school, we still have different set of friends. She'll be with the geniuses and I was with the naughty ones. 

Yet, we have endless conversations over the phone. We didn't go to the same tuition nor same piano classes. We only hang out after the tuition and that depends on each others curfew. I miss those moments. Then we went own our separate ways to college.

We still call each other, updating what happened and all. As always, gossiping, giggling like any other girls. We had our moments, fought with each other. We will always protect each other. I called her my lo-po (in english, my wife/sweetheart). I'd do anything to make her happy, make sure the guys she was and is with could take care of her, guide her because I can't be there 24/7. The only thing I felt so sad was, whenever she's in a relationship, I feel like she doesn't need me anymore because I've never leave her whenever I'm in a relationship. That is me not her. 

I remembered those days when we fought, I felt so lost without her. She was my other half. When we rekindled, we never talk about it until now. I wanted the best for her. If only I could give the world to her.. 

I remembered the day her late boyfriend past away, I wasn't there. I've never felt so bad in my entire life. I was at work and I never ever forgave myself, leaving her side. She was the best friend I might not replace ever. I know I've been such a bad best friend, not just leaving her side when her late boyfriend past away, I've always looked down on her. I thought she would not move on her own unless someone actually pushed her, that she was jobless and just enjoy living on family funds. I always passed remarks how stupid she is for not moving on, doing anything in her life. I thought I was better than her, and guess what, I'm not. 

And here I am, apologizing publicly, not expecting to rekindled our friendship but to let her know that I've always loved and missed her. She balanced me. She was my carefree spirit and I gave her up.

That's why I said I had DS issue. I thought I was better than her. I hope she will do well in her life. I think it'd be easier to leave a 15 years of friendship that has a lot of beautiful moments, I doubt that I'll find someone else to replace her. 

Thank you for the opportunity for making me as your best friend.