Cintamu / Chapter 1

"I just don't understand why I'm still in love with you when you hurt me so much.." kataku padanya. Dia hanya menundukkan wajahnya. "What have I done wrong this time? Apa salah I? Kenapa you buat I macam ni?" soalku lagi. Akhirnya dia memberanikan diri mendongak dan melihat aku. "Selama kita bersama, you tak pernah buat salah. It's me, not you." dia menjawab. "It's me not you? Itu je yang you dapat jawab?" soalku. Airmata aku tidak berhenti membasahi pipi.

"Sayang..." dia memanggil sambil mencapai tangan aku. Aku tarik tangan aku dengan kasar dan mengesat airmata, "Don't call me sayang. You don't deserve me. You dah lukakan hati I. You ingat I tak tahu kenapa you tinggalkan I? I berikan you peluang untuk jelaskan dan berterus terang pada I, tapi.. you masih nak berdalih!" aku menjerit padanya. Lalu, aku bangun, "I've had enough with you.." dan berlalu pergi meninggalkannya tanpa menoleh. 

Kecewanya hati aku. Kamil Afsyah. Itu lah lelaki yang aku terima selepas berkali-kali aku cuba menolak cintanya. Bila hati ini akhirnya menerima cintanya, dia menghancurkan hati ini. Air mata tidak berhenti membasahi pipi. Aku berjalan tanpa hala tuju. "Kenapa Kamil? Kenapa kau hancurkan hati aku?" soalnya hati ini. Dua tahun yang lalu, dialah lelaki yang akhirnya memenangi hati ini. Kini semuanya tinggal kenangan..

Riiinnnnggg!

"Azalea, kau kat mana? Dari tadi aku cuba telefon, tapi tak berjawab. Kau okay?" soal Dayanna, teman baik aku selepas menjawab panggilannya. "Anna, I don't feel like talking. Aku telefon kau kejap lagi lah." itu sahaja aku dapat menjawab. Terus aku mematikan telefon bimbit. "I'm sorry Anna, aku tak sanggup lagi untuk menceritakan semua..." bisik hati aku. Lalu, aku terus berjalan tanpa hala tuju.

Bila Cinta

Hari ini cukup empat bulan kau meninggalkan ku... Aku termenung seorang diri mengingati kisah kita yang lalu. Hati ini masih terluka. Air mataku membasahi pipi. Apakah salahku? Sampai kini aku tertanya tanya... Kau pergi meninggalkan aku tanpa sebarang kata. Aku masih memegang janjimu. Tatkali aku memejam mataku, aku masih melihat kau dan aku. Gelak tawamu, senyumanmu, masih segar di ingatan. Apakah kau sendiri tidak merasai apa yang aku rasa? Terluka, rindu? Walaubagaimanapun, kau masih di hati ini. Lagu ini ditujukan khas buatmu.


Bila cinta kini tak lagi bermakna
yang kurasa kini
hanya lah nestapa
ditinggalkan cinta masa lalu....


Dulu kau tawarkan manisnya janjimu
dan ku sambut itu dengan segenap hatiku
hingga engkau pergi tinggalkan ku...


Hilangnya cintamu
menusuk hatiku
hingga ku memilih cinta yang fana
perginya dirimu merobek jantungku
hingga ku terjatuh dalam harapan...


Ku sebut namamu disetiap doaku
dan ku kan setia kenangan tentangmu
yang ku dapat hanya lah bayangmu...

Zara Ismail

I Miss You

Everyday, before I go to sleep, I think of you.. Everyday, when I wake up, I'm not in "our" house. You're not next to me. I see different faces, I see me alone. I tried to hate you, but, how can I hate the person who holds my heart? The person whom I was in love with and will always love...

It hurts so much that today, I cried. I cried my heart out. I cried missing you badly. I cried because those memories still haunts me. I don't want anyoneelse but you. Only you could make me feel better. I thought I was okay, but, I've never been. Nothing is the same anymore. My heart is aching badly.

" I think it's time I let you go... and that is hard to do because part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life.. "

Secret of a Broken Heart

I wrote another story. Something to get it out of my chest. My life is so boring. Here I am confessing. I am sick and tired of all the insincere. Why can't I just be honest? I have a secret and I wish I could give it away. I don't care when the critics jump in line. I got no reason to be ashame, I got no reasons to blame.

I've got nothing at all to remember you by. I just don't understand why won't you let me in. We could have waited for a little while. Let everything have it's way and we cracked the secret and smile. We forgot how we were when we together. Now, you've gone, wake me up and let me fall.

Better in Time

It's been the longest time I remembered without you.. I didn't know where and who to turn to. Seems like somehow I can't forget you after all that we've been through. If you didn't notice, you mean everything to me. I used to think when I let you go, I've set you free, I'll be right here waiting for you. I thought you could take your time, find everything you need and I won't go away. I could keep your things right the way you left them and I'll be right here waiting for you to find me to come back to me..

I couldn't go to the places where we used to go, even turning on the television without something reminds me of you. Was it all that easy to just put aside your feelings? Even though I really love you, I know I'm going to be okay.

When you say you're leaving, as you walk away, I know there's nothing left to say. Since there's no more you and me, I know it's time to let you go... So I can be free and live my life how it should be. No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you. I thought I could not live without you. It's going to hurt when it heals too but I know it will all get better in time.

"Wanting you is hard to forget, loving you is hard to regret, losing you is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet. Sometimes, the memories are worth the pain..."

Bloodstream

Wake up, look me in the eyes again. I need to feel your hand upon my face. Words can relay nice, they can cut you open and then the silence surrounds you and haunts you. The spaces in between two minds and all the places they have been. I tried to put my finger on it...


I think I might have inhaled you... I could feel you behind my eyes. You've gotten into my bloodstream, I could feel you floating in me..

You've always been my favorite kind of drug

Letter For You

Hey you,

How are you? I hope you're doing well. I know you're reading this blog. I have a confession to make. I miss you. It's been awhile.. yet, my anger hasn't reduce one bit of it. I may be happy but when ever someone opens up the topic, yes, about "us", I became mad. Mad for letting myself hurt by you. Mad for letting you hurt me, AGAIN. I wish I could say this out loud but I just don't want to come close not even 1 inch to you. That's how angry I am.

I don't hate you, but I hate what you did to me. I used to pray that you'd fall and die, but that's not right after all. So, I've prayed day in and out, karma's a bitch. Yes, it's still anger typing all these nonsense.





*breathe in breathe out*


Now, since the anger is gone, I know you know what I'm trying to say between the lines.
Take care.


Zara Ismail.

You Wreck Me

Me : How did we let this end this way when it could've been better?

Him : I don't know.

Me : For all the things we've been through, I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm disappointed and I'm frustrated. BUT, you don't have to apologize because I forgave you and I'm sorry for the things I've done and said to you..

Him : I won't let you dissappear from my life.

Me : .....

That was the last conversation we had. Well, partly. We hugged, and walked away. That was two and a half months ago. I'm still bitter. When I had to talk to him, I became this person that I wasn't. I became angry. I'm moving on, yet the wound hasn't heal. I hate myself right now. This is not me. I'm only happier when I see my babies (best & good friends) and my family. When I'm alone, I'm bitter.

I'm quieter compared before. I hesitated when the guys came closer. I don't see the world as it was. I was a lover and I'm not anymore.


I'm wrecked.
You wreck me.

Too long we’ve been denying
Now we’re both tired of trying
We hit a wall and we can’t get over it
Nothing to relive
It’s water under the bridge

~ "It Is What It Is" by Lifehouse

Sejati

Hari ini, aku cuba blog dalam bahasa.

Aku rasa kekosongan. Aku teringat akan diri orang lama. Apa khabarnya? Tiba-tiba nostalgia datang membawa sejuta kenangan. Air mata bergelinangan membasahi pipi. Sudah lupakah dia kepada diriku? Walaupun aku ada ramai teman yang menghiburkan diri ini, akan tetapi, tidak sama dengan dirinya.. Aku buntu. Pilu sungguh hati ini. Berkali-kali aku memesan diri ini cuba melupakannya, aku tewas dengan perasaan diriku sendiri. Namun semuanya kenangan... Hanya lagu "Sejati" dari Wings menemani hati yang luka ini.

Sejati
Itu yang kau ucapkan
Bila janji kugenggam
Bawah pohon kemboja
Yang sekecil kita

Menanti
Di mahligai mainan
Kita bina bersama
                                                      Dari dahan yang rapuh

Usia perangkap kita
Remaja kita tinggalkan
Namun aku masih
Menggenggam janji

Tinggal kenangan
Gagal segala impian
Tinggal bertanya
Erti sejati

Kenangan itu
Hanya mainan bagimu
Tinggal bertanya
Erti sejati
Yang telah engkau janjikan dulu

Stolen

He came in my life, unannounced.
When he kiss, he sets avalanches in my heart.
I never could have seen this coming.
The most amazing things.
They arrive within a moment.
When he's next to me, I'm alive all of sudden.
This is beautiful, unmistakable, unforgettable.
This is beautiful.

Because of you.. I laugh a little harder, cry a little less and smile a little more...

I Get Around

t's easy to think that the world is exactly as it appears: refined, elegant, imposing. But sometimes all it takes is a little key to open the door to the wild side. I love my weekends. I love it when I go out with my babies. I get to see them and I'm drowned in laughters and happiness. All of them are so eccentric. Their characteristics mirrors me. They are all different among each other, but the same characteristics that they have are patience, helpful, understanding and very good listener. They define me. They bring me down to earth and yes, they are my ecstasy. My new drugs. I'm thankful to the Lord above, for such a beautiful gift. Our friendship. Yes, we partied a lot. So? We work our ass off day and night and we earned it. Sometimes we need to step outside, clear our head and remind ourselves of who we are. And where we want to be. And sometimes we have to venture outside our world in order to find ourselves.

 

  As for me, I'm happy right where I am... I only want to be with you babies. 

XOXO

Zara Ismail

When A Heart Breaks

                    No one told me ever told me it would come to this... What began with such a promise, which end with such a twist. Everybody's laughing. Maybe that's just me. Does something unrequited mean it will never be? I lean into the whisper but I don't hear anything. Life, for now, I've come to fear. You've dropped me off and left me here. With nothing here to find my way, but the light you take as you pull away.. Far ahead the brush is moving and there's others here and good still proving. it's a tear in the dark all alone in the car in pieces. It's the sound of a mistake as I'm lying awake and sleepless. That is the sound that's made when a heart breaks. 

Nothing's wrong, it's in my mind... Nothing's wrong and I'll be fine...

Reminder to Self

Forget his name
Forget his face
Forget his kiss
His warm embrace

Forget the love that you once knew
Remember he has someone new...
Forget him when you hear your songs
Remember when you cried all night long...
Forget how close you once were
Remember he has chosen her...

Forget how you memorized his walk
Forget the way he used to talk
Forget the things he used to say
Remember he has gone away...

Forget his laugh, his grin
Forget the way he held you tight
Remember he's with her tonight...

Forget the time that went so fast
Forget the love that moved, it's past
Forget he said he'd leave you never
Remember he's gone FOREVER...

"I cried today... not because I miss you... or even wanted you... but because I realized I'm gonna be all right without you." - Zara Ismail

Come Back When You Can

I've been led on to think that we've been trying for too long. Every time we drift, we're forcing what is wrong.
At last that voice is gone. Please take your time, but you've got to know that I am taking sight. You look good with your patient face and wandering eye. Don't hold this war inside.

You left your home. You're so far from everything you know. Your big dream is crashing down and out your door. Wake up and dream once more. Let go, you'll understand. You've done nothing at all to make me love you less.


So come back when you can.

I think its time I let you go... and that is hard to do because part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life.

Let It Go

I'll begin to let you go
When the sunlight melts the snow
Every night I drive away from you
I see the mountains I have to move

It's hard like hell tonight to sleep
To close my eyes would admitting my defeat

And you there you don't care
I wonder if you wanted me like I wanted you

It's a lonely truth
That I can't change you
And you sure can't change me

 I did't let go... You pushed me away...

Tattoo

The way you used to look at me, the way you said my name.
The way you used to laugh and joke, I’ll never be the same.

The way we used to talk all day, & stay up late at night.
The way I used to get so jealous, & have our stupid little fights.

The things you used to say to me, the way it used to be.
I know I’ll never get it back, because I know you’re over me.

People hated us together, but we never gave it a thought.
I gave up everything I had for you, & you never gave it a second thought.

You took my heart in minutes from the first time I saw you.
From the first time I heard your voice, I fell hard and fast, & you knew it too.

You made me all these promises, I thought that you would keep.
But it’s obvious now, it was just me who believed.

 The day it ended, I’ll never forget.
Waking up the next morning, with my pillow soaking wet.

Crying myself to sleep, for days on end.
Wearing a fake smile, with a heart impossible to mend.

I know you’re done with those feelings, & never will think twice..

You’re name will be a permenent mark on my heart, for the rest of my life.

Hesitate

The human heart is a scary part in fact
'Cause I could break you and you could break me back
Though my head says just forget it
You'll get hurt and you'll regret it
Ask me now and I won't hesitate

So many cards that never leave the deck
There comes a time when you have to place your bets
and I've never been a gambling person
But if you want to see my hand
Ask me now and I won't hesitate

I thought about it long and hard today
I realized I'm standing in our way
Usually my judgement's better
But with your black eyes, hey whatever
Ask me now and I won't hesitate

'Cause I'm fearful of heights and you take me higher
What came with you was a view to admire
I've always been the kind to contemplate
But you like the kind that don't hesitate 

Excuse me while I fall for you...

Thank you note...

Sometimes, I wonder, how can I moved on so quickly. At times, yes, I admit that I do miss him.. but just for a moment. Unpacking the boxes I just moved into my sister's place, when I saw the stuffs we bought together, going to places we used to go, listening to the songs in my lappy, buying groceries and many more... That reminded me so much of "us". I've been making myself busy with work, with family and friends. I tend to say I like this guy, "falling" for that guy, but it all ain't true.

I realized, when he's gone, all the familiar faces are gone too. Exactly like Avril Lavigne's song - "When You're Gone". I don't feel lonely. I don't. I just feel sad because it had to end the way it ended. When someone comes closer to me, I hesitate, I ran. Wound is still there. I know I'll be okay.

A friend used to ask me, would I wait for him or someone like him.. I said, " I won't find someone like him, and to wait for him is no point because we both wanted to lead our own life. My someone new will come along the way. I don't have to look, not because I'm tired or hurt, but because I know, he'll come around. "


I can't stop the way I feel. It's alright to do so. It's healthy. I'm happy for my friends who are attached and married. I'm not jealous of them..because one day, my time will come. Day by day, I grew stronger and I'm proud of myself. I shall never mourn forever. I may think he used to be the ONE, because when we held hands, it felt right, both head and heart. We outgrew ourselves.

For what's worth, it was one of the best three years of my life. To be with him, to have him, to love him and to be loved by him. It was and I will always treasure it for the rest of my life..

Thank you D.

Please Don't Stop The rain

I don't know where I crossed the line
Was it something that I said
Or didn't say this time
And I don't know if it's me or you
But I can see the skies are changing
In all the shades of blue
And I don't know which way it's gonna go

I thought that time was on our side
I've put in far too many years
To let this pass us by
You see life is a crazy thing
There'll be good time and there'll be bad times
And everything in between
And I don't know which way it's gonna go

We're a little closer now
And finding what life's all about

I know you just can't stand it
When things don't go your way
But we've got no control over what happens anyway

If it's gonna be a rainy day
There's nothing we can do to make it change
We can pray for sunny weather
But that won't stop the rain
Feeling like you got no place to run
I can be your shelter 'til it's done
We can make this last forever
So please don't stop the rain

Let it fall
Just can't stop the rain

Let it fall

Please don't stop the rain...

The End

"It's funny how that one person you always use to talk to and have meaningful conversations with you is now a complete stranger and act like they never knew in the first place..."

 Zara Ismail

My Heart

I miss you.

Yes, you. 

Fall from the Star

This is a story about someone I truly love. Someone who has been in my life for the past 26 years. I love her so much that I wish I could give the world, the universe, everything to her. Just for her happiness. I may not show much affection towards her before this. She has always been there for me. She's my happy pill. She's an angel that has fallen from the star.

For the past 9 years, she has gone through something that no woman should have. I'm not going to say here outloud what had happened to her. Whenever I see her down, my heart cries out for her, yet, I have to stay strong. For her. For the kids. She and the kids are the love of my life. I can't really go on a day without talking to her. I know she's hurting inside. I've always and will pray that happiness will come for her.

What ever that makes her happy, I'll accept it. No matter who made her. No matter what made her.

Nana,

If I could change everything for you, I would. If I could meet up with God and ask him personally what did you do to deserve all these? I would. But I can't. All I can is to be next to you no matter what happen. All I can is to pray for your happiness. Because you're one and only sister that I have. Dunia, akhirat. I love you Ainur Nelisa Ismail. You're angel of my life, that fall from the star. I love you..

Love always,
Zara Ismail

Rarely Spoken

Funny when I tend to like someone so easily. It's just infatuation. I'm not ready for a relationship. I thought I did, but when someone comes close to me, I tend to push him away. The old wound is still fresh. I am interested in this guy. If he's interested, he'll show it to me.

I rarely talk to him. I rarely see him.

He knows I don't want to get rid of him out of my life.

True Feelings

Days when we were happier... (circa 2009)

I've been hurt too many times. Guess, I chose the wrong man most of the time. For the past few days, yes, I've been thinking a lot about that particular person who broke my heart. I have to admit, I now feel the heartache after a month plus of breaking up. Probably, the person who broke my heart after he did, triggered it. I hate to think and feel about it, but I know I have to go through it. I will always pray Danial will have someone else who can treat him that he deserves. Yes, he broke my heart into pieces, but I forgave him. I know we're better off on our seperate ways.

God, I actually typed his name after a month plus. Oh well, life is full of shite. I'm happy to be surrounded by my loved ones. I never regretted being with him for the past 3 years. I learned a lot. I grew up.

Danial, I hope you're happy, because I am.

"Orang yang mencintai kamu akan selalu mengingati setiap kejadian yang dia lalui bersama kamu, bahkan mungkin kejadian yang kamu sendiri sudah melupakannya, karena saat-saat itu ialah saat yang berharga untuknya. dan saat itu, matanya pasti berkaca. karena saat bersamamu tidak selalu terulang."

Forgive me

While blogging this, I feel like ripping out my heart. It hurts. Not the old wound. I was mean to someone. This particular person I just met. I'm sorry dear. I'm good at hurting people. Especially my loved ones.. That's for sure.

For what's worth, I'm sorry.

Sometimes I Wonder

Today, is one of those days that I'm in a loving mode.

I miss that particular someone. He knew I exist but he never knew how I felt.

My head is singing Car Crash Heart's single "Sometimes I Wonder".. It's good song.

and so, I wonder... ;)

Damage Case

We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we have done or that has been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can’t even see. We’re all damaged it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood. Then as grown ups we give as good as we get. Ultimately we all do damage. And then we set about the business of fixing.

Moments of happiness

And so I'm happy.

Happy to have you.
Happy to like you.
Happy to think about you.

Happy happy happy.

The New Me

It's been a month, and a week. I've never thought I could live my life without him by my side. I'm REALLY officially single. I'm actually moving on with my life. After small talk with a good friend of mine, I then remembered "he" existed in my life.

I've totally forgotten about it. I never say I'd want to forget him, as I've never regretted being with him. My prayers came true. HE made it come true.

I'm happier now. I have my bestfriends, my close friends and definitely, my family.

Early Review of 2010

Where shall I start?

2010...

January has been good to me but towards the end of it, starting first week of February, eveything fell apart. My car was filled with water. Well, quarter of it. I was then violated by someone whom I trusted. Days later, I was snatched. One hell of weekend. I was too traumatized until I was too scared to be alone. Thankfully, I have my beloved boyfriend who's there for me. Even my sister too. I shall never forget that. My mind was fucked up. Until now I can't get rid of those visions. The feeling of insecurity. Please be careful my dear friends and readers.

I became very clingy to my sister, my bestfriend and my boyfriend. I don't know how to step up again. After series of unfortunate events, I hope I can be stronger. I'm learning to step up. I hate being alone still. At first, I was all okay. I can chill by myself. Now, I'm bit paranoid. Seconds, God took all my confidence away. I did resent him. But just for that moment. I thought I've lot my faith. I didn't. Thankfully.

Morale of the story, do not trust people though they seems nice, be aware of your surroundings.

Have a pleasant day me readers and friends.

Cheers!