Stepping stone

I stand by the balcony with a peculiar feeling and spend the night lolling about my little room. My face is burning, and I feel startled, flush up against an emotion I can't name, one eerily like terror but unlike joy. My heart is rusty from the old pinions that hold it shut. I skewed my imaginings towards the grotesque, hoping to avoid later delusion.

The pain of singlehood loneliness still haunts me. But life was round, sweet during those flitting moments when he was holding my hand, whenever he was close enough for me to catch the scent of him. Why is my heart flailing against my chest?

In those solitary evenings by myself, I found finely spun threads, a pattern, my own story. I opened up the kind of memory that feels like a wistful hankering for something lost or something that never was. One more layer of stone, one more layer of pain.

At sunrise I am still awake, sitting there in tremors, emotions tumbling, colliding, an icy free fall from one life into the next.

I've made up my desicion.

Gasp.

i need air to breathe.
i'm suffocating.
my chest is getting tighter.
i feel the world is about to crumble.
my sight is blurry.
i feel light headed.

air.
air.
air.

i need air.

I Knew A Man...

He is that kind of guy when he walks, people would stop and stare.
He is that kind of guy when he talks, people would listen to his every word.
He is that kind of guy when he smiles, people would just smile even though they are down.

I knew that man;
He tells me millions of stories.
He sings me millions of songs.
He writes poetries.

I knew that man;
I'm proud of him.
I'm happy to be with him.
I'm lucky to know him.

I knew that man;
He might never see what I see in him.
He might never know how much I care.
He might never realize I'm always there.

I knew that man....

Secret Pain

i'm living my days with pain
i don't know how long i can stand it.
i know it's been long enough for me to suffer.
i know i won't last long.
i know i'm leaving soon.
i don't know how people would take it.
i'm afraid of the truth;
-- tomorrow is the day i'll know.

if ever i leave the world
i have only few words to say.
i'm sorry and i love you.
there are nothing in this world i want more but happiness;
-- to me and to all.

take care.

Tak Bisa Memiliki

I will always try;
-- to give you the best
But forgive me as my time is only for seconds..

I'm incapable to have and to love you
Even though my heart loves and yearns for you
I don't want to hurt you
Wipe away your tears;
Forget about me...

All I want is your happiness
Living your life...

I write you this..

i write you this to tell my feelings towards you
i write you this to tell the world how happy am i for you
i write you this to tell you that i'm gonna miss you
i write you this to tell you that i'm really hurting
i write you this to tell you that i love you.

will always do.

"in life, you can't always have what you want.."

There's No Me In You

I'm living my days without you.
I tried to get rid of the loneliness.
One thousand and one questions burden me...

Why must it haunt me?
Tired of chasing futile hopes..
Tired of searching for your shadows..

Let it be...
The way it is.
I'll keep on trying..
Return to whom you belong to...

"Why it is easy to fall in love and yet so hard to love back? Why should I feel so when destiny permits me not? Why is there a "you" in "me" but never "me" in "you"... ? Why... ?" -Anonymous

Nothing's The Same; Not Meant To Be...

You've been in my heart
I see your faces most of the time.
It's cloudy;
Whenever that thoughts of us came...

Time's moving so slowly.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm in between my past and future..

Tried to fight it
Tried to eliminate your smell
-- runs in my vein.

There are things I'd like to say
About you, about me, about us.
About my dreams...
This burden;
-- Should I walk away and ignore this pain?

You came for a reason,
Life's no meaning without you...
It's not meant to be...
I shall never replace you.

"sampai kapan kau terus bertahan?
sampai kapan kau tetap tenggelam?
sampai kapan kau mesti terlepas?
Buka mata dan hatimu,
Relakan semua..." - Padi

Sincere from the heart...

My love wasn't a lie,
My heart is shattered,
My feelings are fading...

My love was all I had,
Gateway for happiness.
What I had was beautiful,
There were millions promises;
-- all broken.

Loving you was all I did;
-- Ignored the consenquences.
Let time pass us by,
without doubts.

What I feel now,
-- puting a show for you.
Hear you me..

Rahsia di hati tak siapa yang tahu..

'we're just humans, we're not perfect, we tend to make mistakes and by learning from it, won't make history repeats itself.' -- that is what i was told by someone whom i cared about so much. i'm learning my mistakes and try to amend it. maybe if i can't amend it, i find another solution to it.

sometimes, i kept on thinking did i do the right thing... leaving.
sometimes, i kept on thinking did i do the right thing... staying.
sometimes, i kept on thinking did i do the right thing... denying.
sometimes, i kept on thinking did i do the right thing... ignoring.

those questions kept on playing on my mind.

like Aisya Sofea quoted in her novel, "Rahsia dihati tak siapa yang tahu.."

and i never got the answers to it or maybe, i chose not to.

Ultimate Dissapointment.

I'm home crying my eyes out. I'm drinking half of the Black Label 1 liter bottle and I'm still crying.I turned into this monster. How Faiz left me, this is my condition. Every now and then I need a drink to sleep it off. I'm a damn alcoholic and he doesn't knows about it until now. Took my meds as well cause I want the pain to go away. Easy for me. Call me stupid. I don't care anymore. I'm hurting inside. He shuts me off. He said he needed space. He's going through some issues and he just won't let me in. It kills me inside.

I can't help my loved ones. Like he said, I'm only human. Tend to make mistakes. I hate myself right now. He's hurting. I'm hurt as well. I just want to say one thing here.. no matter how, he's part of me.

Sumpah aku sayang kau, tapi kau tak sedar. Sumpah aku tak cinta kau tapi kau tetap dihati aku. Kau tak sedar aku terluka lihat kau begitu. Sayang sekali, aku masih sayangkan kau walaupun kau tidak menghargainya.Kau pernah jadi sebahagian aku,dan bila kau pergi, kau tetap ada dihati ini.

I don't know what's going on. I know one thing, you said you didn't want me to get worried. Well, you lied. You went through some situation and you didn't want me to know. But I know. I just know..

Kekasih Gelapku...

I'm sorry for leaving...
I'm sorry for not explaining...
I have to leave...
I have to do what I have to do.

Sunsets, morning breeze, ocean, the sand, the waves
and this song that we danced...
Those memories will remained in my heart.
- Beautiful moments I shared with you;
Do know that I'm hurting as well.
I don't want to be the third person.
I don't want to love you more than I love him.

I'm sorry...
I don't want history to repeat itself.
I've made my choice.

Alone

I have a lot of friends.
I had lots of friends.
but I'm still all alone.

I had lots of plan.
but I'm still all alone.

I have house mates,
but I still feel all alone.

I'm at a place full of people,
but I know I'm alone.

I cried at night,
I need a hug,
I'm still alone.

I have people who loves me,
but I'll die, alone.

"No matter how, you're always alone..." - Danial Radzmi Roslan.

Berhenti berharap...

aku duduk di sini..
menunggu..
kapan waktu aku untuk pergi.
pergi jauh.. untuk selamanya..

biar kusimpan semua itu,
satu kenangan terindah.
bukan diriku inginkannya,
tapi aku merelakannya..

kuingin memetik bintang..
--Surga menungguku;
Neraka pilihanku.

aku sudah berhenti berharap.

" kenapa ada derita bila bahagia tercipta?kenapa ada sang hitam bila putih menyenangkan?
aku pulang tanpa dendam,kuterima kekalahanku...kusalutkan kemenanganMu.. "- Sheila On 7

Dear Diary...

Dear Diary,
Yesterday I had a talk with him. I told him how I felt, how much I needed him but at the same time I hated it. For the first time I felt really honest. I admitted why I did all those things before. The things I should have not done. I felt better. I don't know about him, how he felt. I told him I couldn't handle any other thoughts. He gave me the best advice. He admitted how he felt. He said what's right and wrong. For the first time as well I listened to him. I guess I did the right thing. I feel proud. I feel bad and sad too. I had to do what I had to do. I admitted to him how I felt. I'm worried. I told him, without him, my circle is incomplete. As much as I wanted him to leave, I need him by my side. He said, " I can't be there for you all the time.." more or less like that. I understood what he's trying to tell me. Before he left, he reminded me how much he cared about me and I realized he actually did. But I'm still afraid he'll leave. Just don't know when though he said he won't.

It's 3.05am when I wrote this. I've too many thoughts on my mind. I have too many things to worried about. One, about my sister and her children. Second, my parents especially my dad. Third, about him and I. Lastly, my life. I've never put myself first. For me, my loved ones are my priorities. I've always think that I'll be the hero. Life saver. Truth is I'm not and I won't be.
That's because I can't even help myself. Most of my friends think that I'm the strong and independent one. I'd like to be but I'm not. I can pretend (have always been.no one sees me crying. I can fake my smile.) I'm so clueless about myself. I don't even know where to start. I want a better life (doesn't anyone?).

I want a better career that pays me well. I've always wanted to be someone important, running around here and there. Attending to important functions. Living that kind of life but dreams may never seems to come true. Got an offer from Marcus Evans, told me that they wanted me but no news from them at all. wanted to start my own business but didn't succeed. I've always think that with better job I can help my family. Live the life that I used to (that's when people said I'm maintenance.). I earned it. Now, I kept on asking for advance. I can't even support myself anymore. I can't move around and even eat at my favorite restaurant. Debts to be paid as soon as possible. Had to pawn my only jewelery to support myself. Best friend giving me food now. Parties? I only go with Anyz and Ify, the rest, I don't feel like to. I've no money. Even I felt bad going out with Anyz and Ify. Both are like my own siblings. I feel such a freeloader going out without my own money. I wasn't like that previously. I normally paid for what I want. Life is so cruel but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I hardly go to work because my personal life is affecting me now (that is so bad! I wasn't like this!!). It's not good at all. I'm lucky to have a great boss cum friend and I felt like I've taken advantage of it. I feel ashamed of myself. I lose my pride. Where did I go wrong? I don't know how long will this last. My parents doesn't know anything at all. I wanted to prove to them that I'm okay though I'm not. I'm sick most of the time. I kept on thinking to live an easy life. There's a price to pay. Had an easy way but had to sacrifice. Today I feel like letting all my worries out. I remembered what my sister texted me when we had our 'peak' times, "Before you prove to others, prove to yourself first.". What she said is true. I looked at myself in the mirror. I realized I have been living in my own la la land. I'm 24 this year. I compared myself to my cousin who's the same age as I am. She has everything, even getting married this June with the love of her life and me, I have nothing. Nothing proud to say here. Just letting everyone in the whole wide web knows about my worries right now. Not asking for sympathy. I know there are other people out there has bigger issues and mine is just a minor case scenario. I just pray one day it'll get better. Soon..

xoxo,
Zara D.

Her pain is mine...

the pain she feels, i feel it too.
looking into her eyes, i can see how sad she is.
looking at the children breaks my heart as they know nothing.
why must she go through all this?

what i'm going through is just a minor.
i feel so bad.
i feel so useless.
i can't do anything right now.
i don't know how to help her.

i love her more than anything in the world.
my flesh and blood..

Ya Allah, tolong lah hambaMu ini... Kuatkan lah semangat dirinya... kuatkanlah semangat ku juga... Kurangkanlah sakit nya itu.. Ya Allah, tolong lah kami..

Song For My Lover

Laying here now, in my bed.
Nature tapping softly above,
This is ancient music for sure...
I am being lulled… lulled into sweet thoughts of you.
Of moments we had,
and of moments yet to be had..

When your sweet kisses turns into flame; passionately.
--Your fingers lingering my skin;
tracing down my body;
Where you can taste my salt waters
Where my depths touch your breadth
Feel these tides of mine,
as they move back and forth; smoothly
covering then uncovering the sacred parts,
of our sweetest merging;
Sometimes you caress me.
Sometimes you pound and crash.
But always, the vibrant truth is revealed…
In me, you are...

I am slipping… ever closer to,
a place behind my closed eyes.
A place where,
We never stop dancing..

Every time those thoughts came to me,
makes me smile and weak inside.
makes me sick inside.

As my heart yearns for your presence,
Like her beauty torments your soul,
I lost the battle;
-- I don't want you but I need you.


sweetest dedication ever,you know what it meant,what I'm trying to say here. Ask no more. Everything written is very clear here how I feel.

If Today Is My Last Day I'd say ..

to him:
-- how much I love you, but not in love with you.
-- how great the pain is knowing you'll leave me soon.
-- how great it is to be with you, having you in my life gives a big impact.
-- how sorry I am for causing you any pain.
-- how comfortable I am right now, having what we're having and I don't want to change a single
bit.
-- how frustrating it is when I know you love her and be here with me at the same time.
-- how grateful I am when one day we'll realize that this companionship of ours is the best ever
happened in our life.

"z: i know its kinda stupid [n yea i m worried actually] but i still wanna ask u b4 i go to bed,mana tau anything happens[na'uzubillah], u tau i sayang u kn? :)
d: yeah of course i do,i sayang you too tau :)
z: sorry for being dramatic,just wanted to let u know je :) "



to mom and dad:
-- how sorry I am for not being the best.
-- how sad I am to leave you.
-- how bad I felt when I know I failed you.
-- how much I love you, it hurts not to see you smile whenever I am home.

text message; A'kum, pa,ma, I love you. Sorry couldn't make it to mantin this week, insyaAllah next week or two.


to my beloved sister:
-- you're the best sister and I'm lucky.
-- you'll do great and you know what I meant.
-- you're lucky, God gave you 2 sons and a daughter.
-- sorry for everything.
-- I love you na.

text message; Said i'll u back bt ct abes.off 2 bed nw.love u!nytes.kisses to the kids.
replied; Love u 2. Kiss kiss chup chup


to my besties,they know who they are:
-- thank you for being there for me.
-- thank you for being my besties.
-- I'm grateful. I'm lucky.
-- I love you all. You're my family.
-- forgive me if I've done or said wrongly.


Before I lay down and sleep, my chest hurts badly, I cried myself now writing this. For I'm scared if today would be my last day.If it's not, at least, I've said things I've been wanting to say for so long..that I've been keeping it by myself.Goodnight all. Sweet dreams.

xoxo,
Zara D.

Heartbreaker

He sang...

Where It's At
I Know Karmas Comin To Pay Me Back
I Hurt The Sweetest Thang That's On The Map
I Broke Her Heart In 30 Seconds Flat
Now How Did I
Just How Did I Become That Kind Of Guy
To Look At Girl And Lie Right In The Eye
Boy Now That Ain't Right
Where She Go
I Got Some Things I Gotta Let Her Know
To Fix The Love Now It's Impossible
Baby If We Take It Slow
We Can Make It Work
We Just Can't Throw The Love Down In The Dirt
You Probably Thinking I'm A F**Kin Jerk
Cause The Way I Let You Down It Made You Hurt
I Didn't Mean To Make You Hurt
I'm Sorry
I Didn't Mean To Break Your Heart

Look Baby
Let's Break It Down
I'm A Heart breaker

"you are a heart breaker."

Same mistake

sometimes i just wonder
why i kept on holding on to his words..
i knew how he is but i kept on believe it.
my close friends told me so.
i just don't know.
why why why?
i hate small little arguements.
i forgot where i stand now.

There is no place I cannot go
My mind is muddy but
My heart is heavy
I lose the track that loses me
Don't buy the promises cause
There are no promises

I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake.

Broken, Change.

You can close your eyes

And see the picture perfect life
Inside of your mind
Dreaming only of the days ahead
Wanted and wished for more than now
Or the days behind
You waste your time...

You can never think
You can't even stop yourself
Before the words have been spoken
And you've already said
You would give everything
And something for nothing
Everybody thinks you're joking

Your life is never what you wanted
Not even halfway normal
Just tarnished and soiled
When in your reach
A framed and frozen moment
So far from perfection
Not truth or transcendence
Will set you free
Still you don't believe

The picture makes a promise;
The flesh lets it be broken.

-- If you knew that you would die today?
Would you change?

-- If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?

-- If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?

-- If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?

-- If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?

Would you...?
The picture makes a promise that is so perfect; The flesh lets it be broken.
And I'm broken.

the unexpected.

As I strolled along the beach, those thoughts came to me. I kept on thinking. I kept on questioning.
I haven't got any signs. I wanted to leave but it is so hard. I wanted to leave everything behind. I just want to go.

I came back, I did what i had to do; left one thing.
-- I need to breathe, I need more time.

There's no air. I'm drowning, I'm suffocating.
I'm dying.

I died once.
I lived.
I'm dying again.

I don't see that light.
I can't see it anymore.
Maybe I'm meant to be this way.
Maybe I shall leave..
Maybe...

Home...

strolling by the white sandy beach,

listening to the waves lapping,

-- soft breeze caressing my skin,

aah.. the smell of the ocean;

brings peace to me.

It's my bliss,

I'm back to where I left my heart and soul;

I am home.

Loved

"I've never been happier compared before.
I've never been so sad compared before.
I've never been scared compared before.
I've never felt at ease compared before.
I've never questioned a lot compared before.
I've never..."

I couldn't remember the last time I felt truly happy, when somebody or something caused me to laugh so hard my stomach pained and my jaw ached. I missed going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind. I missed the feeling of being loved, sensing the eyes of the person who loved me, I missed those touches, hugs, words of advices and words of love by someone who loved me...

Even in the company of friends I felt all alone; in a room of thousand people I would feel alone. But mostly when I roamed in my own house, I felt all alone.

Just another night

i cried myself to sleep..
i don't know why my tears won't stop..
it's painful inside but i don't know what's bothering me..
all i know i feel sad, heartbroken.
It's just another night..

Rewind

Picking up the pieces
Of the wreck you went and left
And I'm dealing with dilemmas
In my not-so-stressful life
And I'm drinking stronger spirits.

I made my home here on the floor
And I'm losing all ambitions
I'm a ghost.

And I'm going all out
And I'm thinking you're just as bad
No sleeping at night
But I'm going from bar to bar..

Make everything so simple in a crazy world,
And I'm trying to find the words to say,
You make everything alright just by being around,
You make me wanna sing,
You're my light in the dark,
Guiding me home and your faith in me,
--is all i need.

I need a little help,
I can't seem to breath easy,
When you're not around...

Why can't we just rewind?

Please Let Me Get What I Want

He is such an inspiration for the ways that I will never ever choose to be.
He did this, took all I had, and left me this way...
still I pray never stray;
never taste of the fruit I never thought to question why.
Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over.
It's not like I killed someone.
It's not like I drove a spiteful spear into his side.
Pray for one who left, I broke down and paralyzed;
-- and he watched the change in me.
He did it all for me.

Awake

At 12.53am,
Her soul was taken.
She didn't know where she was.
She's walking.
She saw all the familiar faces;
Listening to their conversations,
Tried talking to them;
-- they couldn't hear her.

She witnessed everything that happened.
The situation was out of control,
She tried to help;
-- none can she reach.

A few hours later,
She is awake.

Silent Tragedy

Wind caressing her skin
--freezing.
Sky is dark
--raining.
Listening to the raindrops,
Tears streaming down.
None she can talk to.
Her chest is about to explode.
Staring into the empty spaces..

Inhaling her last puff from the last cigarette all alone,
She flies
--her own world.

The scar remains there,
She lay herself to bed.
She closes her eyes
--her soul was taken away.

Death of Zara D.

She was walking all alone.
She know something or someone is following her.
She turned her back;
-- there he was.
She ran.
Trying to find a place to hide.
Trying to find a way to escape.
Everywhere was grilled.

He saw her.
He caught her.
She shouted as loud as she can...
She took a good look at him...
and he stabbed her.

"Nothing is as real as a dream. The world can change around you, but your dream will not. Nothing happens unless first a dream but in the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing..."