Brave New World

Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January.Our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of New Year resolutions.Put your past behind you and start over. It’s hard to resist the chance of a new beginning. A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not a day on a calendar. Not a birthday, not a new year. It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope.A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But it’s also important to remember that amid all the crap, there are a few things really worth holding on to.

It's been awhile. I've been busy. Not dead. Still breathing.

Tasks:-

• Managing Bunkface - shows back to back (been a crazy month for me)
• Running events at Lepaq (finally quits and 26th Dec 08 was my last gig)
• Running my own company (finally registered and doing a few projects with my partner, Meor Ezarim)
• Spending time with my bestfriend, Atie and my dearest sister, Nelly (both going through hard time)
• Saving my "companionship" (in a way, since both him and I are busy, we hardly spend time together and mostly it's about work and I totally forgot how does it feels)

By today, midnight, it's 2009. I don't really have a long list for resolutions, but I do know what I want.

Goals:-

• Making sure my babies, hence, Bunkface, grow to the next level - Sunburst KL, Melbourne, Singapore, Indonesia.
• My company ; READY STEADY GO EVENTS, do lots of events 
• Malaysian Festival in Melbourne - 3rd October 2009 (gift for my 25th birthday)
• Still breathing
• Happy with him

It's gonna be a brave new world out there for me. InsyaAllah. I've been waiting for these moments. InsyaAllah, I'm gonna make it through.. 

Happy New Year folks! May all your dreams come true.. I do.

Welcome 2009, Goodbye 2008.

Zara Ismail

Our Bliss

Passionate,sensual and divine,
Soft touching of fingertips.
Finger painting my body.
Join by stroking tender lips.

The bare skin heats up,
Building passion with no rush.
Taking time to concentrate,
Your lips are now your brush.

Slow passionate sweeping strokes,
Fingers and lips trace every spot.
Teasing touches here and there,
Heat rising with passions hot.

Almost breathless neath your lips,
Your body I gently squeeze.
Turn to you with my wet brush,
With my lips I begin to tease.

I liberally stroke your skin,
Pausing to share a tender kiss.
As we both continue painting,
In passionate and sensual bliss.

Wherever I Go

Wherever I go, I take you with me,
‘Cause I don’t want to see you leave.
Whenever I go, you stay with me,
They won’t see you leave.
Are you here with me?
I want you here with me
Whenever I turn, you are gone from me.
And I won’t see you leave.
Wherever I go, your shadow follows me
I don’t want to see you leave.
Are you here with me?
I want you here with me.
You are here with me.
And I am here with you.
You are here with me.
And I am here with you

You never left

When everything's colour runs dry and the beautiful things
Don't seem as beautiful anymore
I know it's time to find you again
Amongst all the things you have given me.

When I lose the will the use the smile you gave me
and when the silence is just too unbearable,
I know it's time to unbury your words
From the deepest parts of my soul.

When I can't feel anything
When I can't speak
When I can't see you
I just need to remind myself that you're always there

That which fills all of the would-be emptiness
In my paper heart.
A perfect key fitting into a broken
And lonely padlock.

It's just that I missed you for so long,
Even if you never left.

Sexpert Extraordinaire!

I was so boring at home, I decided, "Hey, I think I wanna do quizes!". So, I did. After one another from friendship to relationship quizes and then... Jeng Jeng Jeng~ My eyes glued at the monitor. I was hooked. Written - 'Are you sexpert enough?'. Here's the result.

Go on, gloat -- you deserve it! Game to try anything once, gregarious and confident in bed, you've not only got few inhibitions and a high sex drive, but you're as sensitive to your lover's needs as you are to your own (and more than capable of satisfying both).

Your huge appetite for hedonistic pleasures attracts swarms of partners. Match up with an equally skilled lover who's as adventurous, imaginative and nonjudgmental as you are and erotic, earth-moving encounters happen daily.

You leave your lovers with a sloppy grin on their faces, and your exes not only still find you excruciatingly attractive, they like you heaps because you're as good at relationships as you are at sex. You give as much as you take; you masturbate both with and without your partner; and you aren't afraid to speak up in bed, encouraging your lovers to do the same. Flexible and gloriously liberated, you'll try anything once trust develops. Go straight to the head of the class!

Ehem.

Grin + Winks.

Enough said.

There He Goes...

He left me.
Without a word, he turns away.

He broke my heart into million pieces.
Without noticing it.

He left me clueless.
Without telling me his true feelings.

Rainbows & Butterflies...

"Thanks for the memories..."

Situasi

There's one day, a very good friend of mine buzz me up on ym;

nuril anwar: zara, ada band nak cari manager la. zara nak tak?
zara322_g: ye ke? band apa? zara ok je la la la la~
nuril anwar: ok ok nanti nuril kasi no
zara zara322_g: oh ok ok.. haha yang tade experience nie jadi band manager.. hahaha
nuril anwar: hahhaa try jeeeee

Later on, I got a call from this dude, Ijam, calling me while I just woke up explaining to me about
the band. I then sms him, 'Can you please sms me the name of the band again?'. He replied, ' www.myspace.com/bunkface '. My eyes stop blinking. 'Bunkface?', I mentioned it a couple of times and then I straight away called Shinzu, "Bunny! omg omg omg, I might be Bunkface manager!". "You're serious?!", that's all he asked. "Yes! I can't believe it, we went to Laundry a couple of weeks ago and watched them..", "Bagus la tu..".

There you go, after a meeting, went to watch them performed at MCPA hall on 2nd November 2008, I knew, good thing will come.

My very first trip with them was to X-gig at Ipoh, Perak. I was damn nervous. I cried calling my best friend that I wanted to see her before I left and it's only for 2 nights. I had a fight with my bunny, because I wanted to talk to him as well. I left without saying goodbye.

Where X-gig is held

the band is interviewed by Shaz @ X.fm

During my journey, I can't believe that I'm actually leaving town with strangers. Worried I might not get along very well. Truth is, I did. I had so much fun there. I made new friends. The Tyre burst during the 3 hours journey. It was at km288.3 and I won't ever ever forget that. I was even called " hot "mum" ". I shall not name, name. Haha. I had 16 "children" to be taken cared. I remember how cute they all were.. I had to hold an umbrella to make them go to bed. Wake them up early and make sure they get breakfast and go to "school" (sound check) early. Fun.

Ijam "fixing" the Tyre

I shall not forget this.

crazy frigging awesome crowd!

with my "children"

with the X.fm crews and few of my "children"
(Bunkface and friends/entourage)

Lata Kijang, Perak

On the way back, we stopped at Lata Kijang, Perak. Beautiful. I walked all the way up to get nice shots. Wished I had a DSLR. Wished I knew how to use it as well. Tee Hee Hee. It was one of the best trips I had after a long time. Last I remembered it was to Port Dickson with my bunny and friends and that was few months ago.

Now, I'm at home. Sick. Boo Hoo Hoo.

I miss my bunny.

I miss my bestie.

I want my mommy.

Terima Kasih Cinta

Tersadar di dalam sepiku
Setelah jauh melangkah
Cahaya kasihmu menuntunku
Kembali dalam dekap tanganmu

Terima kasih cinta untuk segalanya
Kau berikan lagi kesempatan itu
Tak akan terulang lagi
Semua kesalahanku yang pernah menyakitimu

Tanpamu tiada berarti
Tak mampu lagi berdiri
Cahaya kasihmu menuntunku
Kembali dalam dekap tanganmu

Terima kasih cinta untuk segalanya
Kau berikan lagi kesempatan itu
Tak akan terulang lagi
Semua kesalahanku yang pernah menyakitimu

Maybe Baby

Some people may find it funny when you're going away for 2 days where the place only takes up 2 hours of driving and you tell them you're scared and nervous at the same time. I felt that. I even cried to my best friend telling her I feel so sad leaving her behind. Not just her, my partner as well. But he's upset about me calling him so many times within an hour or two. maybe I've done that in the past to check on him. but now, I'm calling him just to talk to him before leaving. He may not understand it. He said he knew that he means a lot me but at one point while talking to him, he makes me think that he doesn't know it.

I just wanted to say goodbye, maybe not forever. Hopefully. Nauzubillah.

I just wanted to say that I love you, though I've told you so many times. I don't want it to be too late.

Maybe I'm having my pms. maybe it's just my nervous and scared feelings because I'm going away with some people that I barely know. Maybe. I don't know. I hope my journey will be ok and everything will be normal when I get back. Hopefully..

Like I said, I love you both. forever.

You are mine...

danial & me

reciting "Lestat, My Dark Angel"

reciting "You Left Me A Melody"

I was so nervous that I gulped quarter of my friend's beer. It was my very first recital. I've invited a few poets. Obviously they are good. That made me more nervous. Most of my friends were there. The most importantly, my partner and my bestfriend were there. I recited what I wrote for them. I had my very good friend, Rendra Zawawi to strum the guitar while I read "You Left Me A Melody". I then read, "You Are Mine", dedicated to my bestfriend of 15 years. The funniest part, I cried instead of her. Haha.. I love you both. You guys are important to me. Never ever forget that. Without you, there's no me...

Friendship

What is friendship? This is what I get from Wikipedia (I'm a lazy bum so I search online; easier.)

Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more beings. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them.

So here I am, sitting, wondering, what actually went wrong with my "close" friends. I do know friends come and go through stages. There are friends from your childhood, kindergarten, primary school, high school, college, work and some others, you got to know them through other people.

me with Arwah Shai/"madu"

I went through all those stages. I've gained and lost lots of them. Just recently, I lost another one.. He was my best friend's boyfriend of 4 years. I called him my "madu". That's because I gotta share her with him.. He has always been a good guy and at times, yes he can be a jerk but most of the time, he did take care of me as well. He passed away last 2 weeks, motorbike accident. A tragic one. I never got a chance to say goodbye to him. The last 4 years, they were together, I was with them. I saw their ups and downs, we actually shared it together. I remembered the 1st time they were together, how they got together, in a way, I help them as well. I gave my best friend's number to him. But I wasn't there for my best friend, before his last breath. I never got a chance to say goodbye.

It reminded me, another close friend of mine who passed away 4 years ago. She was my schoolmate. We sat together in class. After highschool, we went our separate ways and I got really busy and before she passed away, she did try to call me, and like what had happened, I never got a chance to say goodbye.

I still have few close friends, but this particular someone, who's actually pissed at me quietly. Until now she's not talking to me, for I know nothing about it. If I've never say this before to you, here I am, thanking you for what you've done to me, been there for and with me, thank you so much. You're still very dear to me. Maybe work got in between us. But whatever it is, I really appreciate you. The very 1st time I knew you until now. I'm sorry if I ever done or say wrongly to you. Oh, hell. it's friendship.

For the readers, don't you ever take your own sweet time to tell your friends that you love them. Thank them. Don't wait for any occasion. It might be too late. I've never felt so sad until now. Even now I'm crying thinking what I've not do or say to them..This is such a painful lesson in life..



Rest in peace my good friends, Shaiful Hannan (1985-2008) & Vicky Andayani (1984-2004) Al-Fatihah...

Broken Heart

Dan bila kau menghilang
Musnah lah, musnah impian
tuk menggapai bintang
terangi hidup ku
Ku mahu kau tahu
engkaulah, destinasiku
dalam ingatanku - Situasi

Of Rainbow & Us

Give me a smile
When I'm down down down
Give me your touch
When I'm all alone

She brings back those days
Of rainbows and us

Share me your rainbow today
Share me your rainbow tonight
I'll be waiting I'll be waiting I'll be waiting
To smile with you

Lend me your smile
When you're down down down
Lend me your touch
When you're all alone

She brings back those days
Of rainbows and us

Share me your rainstorm today
Share me your rainstorm tonight
I'll be waiting I'll be waiting I'll be waiting
To cry with you

*It's so sweet of you to write this song, and to hear you sing, I'm touched. Thank you.*

Kehadapan bintang jatuh...

It hasn't been a really great week for me though I had lots of fun. It's just letting the time pass by. Today was one of those days that I really had it. I never walk away from someone and today I did it. I was so frustrated and pissed.

There I was, on that space. He wrote it beautifully. Tears of happiness and sadness flowed, streaming down my cheek. Funny how it is, but I never want it to end... Never.

The beauty of what we have lies in the uncertainty of what to come. The beauty of us can be found in undecipherable puzzles with vague questions and impossible answers. We are young, foolish and confused. There is no other time in life that can ever be both the best and worst as now. What we have is beautiful and sad, because at any moment, we can lose each other. And that is why it is beautiful, and sad. Because it is so fleeting, so fragile, so uncertain. But despite everything, here we are, looking at your most beautiful photograph, side by side, smiling. And that is all that matters. Today. Now. This moment is all that matters.

"And all the chances that we take,
For years and years,
We'll have this place,
They were always for you,
Always for you"

Hush

Don't you make a sound,
Nobody can hear you,
Just listen to me
Listen for one last time...

Excuse me,
But use me again,
Confuse me, like you always do
And let me feel the pain,
I am always there

Are you happy now?
Have you had your fun?
Maybe it's time to stop
Maybe it's time to runaway

Spinning round and round
Try to fix you when you're down
You just, Pushed me away
Fallen to the ground
No one else to help me up
You just, crushed my heart today!

written by Nick Davis

*one of my ultimate fav now. it's exactly what i'm going through..*

Lestat, My Dark Angel..

Bear me no ill, my love..
We are now even.
What died was the last breath of me...
The world is a tomb for me;
A graveyard full of broken statues;
-- And each of those,
resembled your face.

I walk the streets,
savoring long lost memories.
I caught the sense of death;
It wasn't coming from the graves.

I haven't wept enough;
For what you've done to me.
Oh god,
I love you still.
That's the torment of it.
Who'll care for me, my love..
My dark angel, when you are gone..?

Someone You Used To Know

It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
that it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
our love is lost, and we cant figure why
maybe it really is about time
that we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
i hope that when you find someone new
that she would always be true to you
to love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then i would slowly be
a distant memory

*Soon i'll just be
that someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
i hope you'll find your intended
But i'm sorry
that your intended isn't me

it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
i know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me

i admit i made mistakes
but darling with you it's just the same
if we stay there will be more to make
i dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
to stay with something no longer there
but it doesn't mean i no longer care
but i'd feel like a burden you can't bear

*Copyright 2008*
*KokoKaina*

Acoustic Raya @ Lepaq Cafe

Lepaq Performing Arts Cafe is hosting an acoustic showcase especially for this month's Aidilfitri celebrations. Lepaq Cafe believes that our modestly sized venue is no hindrace to hold an acoustic gig with a line up as long as a mini Rock The World concert.

Starting from 6.00pm till late, over 20 performers will grace the stage and knock your pants off. With a rojak variety of singer songwriters, bands, a few songbirds and an acapella group, it would surely be an unforgettable night at Lepaq Cafe.

We will be selling our super finger licking good lemang and rendang. Come with an empty stomach and fill it up with our specially homemade Raya food! We only get to have lemang and rendang for a month in a year. Before this month ends, make the most out of it!

Kokokaina will be performing at Acoustic Raya @ Lepaq!

Also, Rendra Zawawi and Izzy Mohamed will be selling their EPs there! Be sure to bring some spare cash ;)

Acoustic Raya @ Lepaq is proudly supported by Don't Panic Malaysia.

Love, Oh Where Are Thou?

Isn't it sad, loving someone and that someone loves someone else?

funny how life is. I came across with a friend of mine. I just met her and she told me how she felt. I told her, "Babe, I've been through that and trust me I know how does it feel. Hoping he would feel differently.". It was a long time ago, and when I think about it, it hurts. Waiting and waiting and when you actually moved on, that person realized how much you meant to them and it's too late. It hurts. Years of waiting. Now, when I think about it, I'm stuck in a situation which it hurts as well. Like my best friend said, "You want it, face it.", and it hurts at time.

Takkan lagi aku menunggu

Kau hadir di dalam mimpi-mimpiku

Puasku mengharapkan dirimu

Seperti mereka yang punya cinta..

Ramadhan ALL YOU CAN EAT BBQ Buffet

It's not always that you can have an all-you-can-eat buka puasa BBQ buffet while listening to live music, no? Well, if you have RM20+ (that's only like 2 RM10 prepaid topups) and a bit of time to spare before packing off to balik kampung, do drop by Lepaq Cafe at Desa Hartamas this coming Saturday on the 27th September from 6.30pm to 10.30pm!

(for a sneak preview of how the place looks and feels like, click here.)

There will be acoustic performances by Radzlan, Arabella, Hanis & Friends, Voce (acapella), Miss Daya, Chot Ali and the Bandbin (formerly of Bau, must see!) and Captain G. And special guest performances by Ray Cheong, Rendra Zawawi and many more! Plus, the event will be covered by TV3's Remaja and sponsored by Don't Panic Malaysia! For those who have RSVP-ed confirmed there will be door gifts waiting for you on that day.

For you Facebookers, do check out the event page at Jom Berbuka & berBBQ @ Lepaq Cafe. If you don't have a Facebook account, contact Zara (016-2366617/017-3024840) or Atraz (019-3136915). Come on come all! Bring your friends, family, pets, anybody and everybody!

Helpless

I can't take it. I left home and walk to my favorite Kopitiam. "Damn that's far!". I can't stay home during weekend. My normal weekends for the last one year, I spent it with him. Lately, since it's holy Ramadhan, I've been at home, and at times, I'll have a friend of mine to accompany me. She has nothing to do. Today I've never felt lonelier compared previously. I'm stressed because I have an event coming up less than a week. Thank god I have few friends helping me out. While I was walking, a thought crossed my mind. Why did I stay? I kept on asking myself. I thought I knew the answer, but obviously, I'm totally clueless.

My close friend asked me, "Why did you stay?", and i could not answer her. I thought I stayed because I love and care about him. Of course I do. I though I stayed because of the sex. Partly. Did I stay because I'm afraid of being lonely? I mean, I used to asked him, "Why did you stay?", he answered, "Because I can handle it." I told him, I need him to leave. It's not easy but we have to let go. Then he came back and say, he misses me. Of course I miss him too. And we're back at square one. There's one day, I stupidly took my last 2 valium and finished up my Black Label. Thought I could sleep over it. Turned out, I was stoned and said things I've shouldn't said. I said to him and my other loved ones, "I want everyone to leave. I want to leave.". He said, "It's not impossible to leave." and we're still at the same pace. Okay, I bet everyone is confused what am I rambling about. Let me rant it out about my relationship/companionship/partner/lover first.

He's confused. That's what everyone says. He doesn't know what he wants. Again, that's what everyone says. Okay, my friends said it. What they know about it. Every one of them said, whenever she's (this girl whom I hate and him, worshipped the ground that she walks, but I don't know what stopped them being together, well I knew why his bestfriend and I didn't like her) around, he'll straight away changed into someone. Last merdeka eve, he chose her over me. "That goes without saying", and so he said to me. But why did he stay? I kept on asking. It hurts to be the second one. But why do I stay if it hurts? Yet, I haven't gotten any answer to it.

There's one time, I bumped into an old friend..

R: Where's your boyfriend?
Z: What boyfriend?
R: What do you mean what boyfriend?
Z: I've broke up with him a long time ago.
R: You did?
Z: I thought I told you..
R: No, you didn't. It's sad.
Z: What do you mean?
R: You guys are good together.
Z: Good together or looked good together?
R: Good together. Seeing your pictures, can see how both of you compliment each other.
Z: Oh..

And there goes my night. How miserable it is to have that conversation playing over and over in my head. I hate it when he goes out with her, and I know he'll kiss her, hold her like he did to me. Yet, I stayed. It's so complicated. My bestfriend said to me, "It's not complicated. It's simple. Either you stay and get hurt over and over again or you leave, and suffer that pain over few months and move on.". I bet many of you agree with it. Like he said, it's not impossible, but it hurts. What kills you makes you stronger. Until now, I don't know what's in his head. Until now..

Now, I'm stressed. Worried none or a few would show up for my event. All this while, I've been assigned to do an event and everything are prepared. But this time, I'm doing it by scratch, not knowing where to start, how to get people to come. I'm hadling people's money some more. *sigh* Last I've checked, my self esteem is pretty low due to hmm look where I am. Jobless, alone where no one to lean to besides friend, oh and I'm going broke. My parents aren't supportive enough. They always ends the conversation, "Pandai-pandai awak la.". Weee~ good advice. What an awesome motivation! Thumbs up! "Get a job.", that's what they said to me. What have I've been doing? Sitting at home being a bum? I think Jobstreet is my new Facebook account. I'm afraid to call my sister now. I don't know whether she's upset with me or not. Oh dear god. What am I supposed to do? Raya is coming up and I can't provide a thing. Hutang keliling pinggang ada lah.

My friends, they have their significant others. I'm normally out with my new bff. He's going through some tough moments. If he's busy, here I am. Sitting alone at my favourite Kopitiam. Ranting out how I feel here and finishing up my last RM10.

Sad. Pathetic. What a loser.

Selamat Tinggal Sayang

Ku disini menanti

Masih menanti kehadiranmu

Ku dibayangi kenangan lalu

Kau datang dan pergi

-- sesuka hati

Biar kubawa lara hati ini

Ku rindu pelukanmu

sentuhan lembutmu

belaianmu..

Bukan diriku pilihan hatimu

Kau yang memilihnya 

tanpa memikir diriku

Biarlah aku mengundur diri

Membawa kenangan kita..

"Kini aku hanya dapat berdoa, agar berbahagia kau disampingnya..Selamat tinggal.."

Say (All I Need)

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Big Girls Don't Cry

The smell of your skin lingers on me, now
You're probably on your flight back to your hometown
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
Be with myself in center, clarity, peace, serenity

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Warkah

Takkan lagi aku menunggu
kau hadir di dalam mimpi-mimpiku
puasku mengharapkan dirimu
seperti mereka yang punya cinta

Diriku tanpa dirimu
kau tempuhi penuh bahagia
diriku mahu kau tahu
pedih ini kau tak terasa

Warkahku mengharapkan dirimu
seperti yang aku kenali dulu
setiaku menantikan dirimu
seperti setianya terhadap diriku

Tapiku melepaskan mu
melangkah namun tak berdaya
terusku terus menunggu
cinta yang takkan pernah ada...

Lost for words

I read it. I lost those words. I just don't want to think about it anymore. It's painful to go through it.

I was right all along.

She'll take it

She wishes time will pass by so quickly. She doesn't want to feel that pain anymore. She's so afraid. She's so confused. She hates that big void.

crushcrushcrush

It hurts so much. I'm out with all my good friends but I can't stop thinking about him. I'm really hurting. Not to make things obvious, I smiled and laughed weakly. There's only one person can see through my eyes, how sad I was. Sometimes, it is so hard to pretend.

" He's having fun. You should. Why must you be sad and him smiling? ", that's what an old flame of mine said to me. I wish things are differently. I'm not strong enough anymore. I don't have that strength. I'm tired of it. It's too much to take it at once.

I don't deserve it.

Reinvented.

As I entered the book store, I know that familiar smell. The smell of new books. Just with that smell, brings me down to memory lane. Tears flowing like a dam just broke. My heart ache. I feel the pain. The pain that I've been denying to feel. The pain of loss. The pain of loneliness. The pain of heartbroken. I had to get out from there. As I rushed out, my steps stop. I couldn't blink. That book was staring at me -- or I was just being paranoid. " I have to let go.." I said to myself.

"Why? Why can't I just be this way? Why can't I feel how and what I feel right now?" asked the demon in me; more likely a poor heartbroken girl, begging me not to let go.

'Shut up! Just shut up! Learn how to stand on your own. One day he'll leave..' That's all I could say to her. I wiped my tears furiously. Stepped out of the store with my head held up and that tiny voice in me, "Don't give up, you're still learning.." I put up a smile, not knowing it's fake or real...