Picture of my life / Part I

I came back from watching Sex and the City 2 with one of my girlfriends. Just to watch those fiction characters make me feel sad. Especially watching Mr Big and Carrie Bradshaw. I had a man, who was actually nice, patient, humble, understanding, in short, he was perfect for me. I had my very own Mr Big (he wasn't that "Big" after all and no, not talking about you know what you dirty minded people. hehe), and suddenly, he changed. He left without a real explanation. I was left hanging. Then, it just hit me. I was relying on him too much. He was always there for me and NOW he's no longer part of me. I've slipped again. I admit that I'm not fully recover from this bad break up. I'm still bruised inside. I'm not going to apologize for the way I feel. I know I've been depressed and I'm still in denial. Only my sister and true friends are giving me the support. I don't know where to start, not to think about him is a lie. He's always on my mind (Yes, you. I know you do read my blog).

I'm stuck here thinking what have I done wrong to you, and yes, I'm still trying figure out what happened. He has been the biggest part of me. Now, I no longer have him. Yes, I kept on repeating because I want to set a reminder to myself I'll be okay. I'm exhausted for feeling this way. I'm only human. I can't help for feeling sad, missing him. I've never met someone like him. I've met guys along the way, I shall not name names, but they all belong to other people. I'm afraid when other men come close to me. I do miss having someone who actually cares about me and I'm talking about someone special. It's been almost 5 months. Time flies so quickly and yet I feel he left me yesterday. Deep down, nothing can make me feel better. With my luck with jobs (which I'm jobless now), I don't have any other thing to make myself busy except with family and friends. They all have their own life. I'm still stuck here. Everyone are moving forward. I'm stuck here. Hear me please.

All I wanted is to have that comfort which I had previously, and God took it away. I know He has better plans for me, but I'm tired of waiting. I want Him to take away my sorrows. I should be thankful there are other people out that suffering. I'm still lucky. I'm rambling about lots of stuffs. I stopped writing my novel because I don't have my muse. I've lost it again. I've lost a lot of things that excites me.

I love you still Danial Radzmi Roslan. There, I've said it publicly. I don't care what people says how stupid am I to still love you. I tried so hard to let go, and I'm still holding on. I know you're moving on. I know that for sure. No one could ever take your place. You will always have that special place in my heart. I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm still in love with you. That's all I could say. I miss you each day, especially those days when I have so many things that I'd like to share it with you and you're not there anymore. You there, but it's not the same at all. Things are not the same anymore. I'm trying adapt. It's weird, awkward but I'm still trying. I'm not giving up. I remembered why you fell for me, and I'm not the same person and so are you. I've always wondered how things would be if we're still together. I've always wonder will you ever come back again. I've always thought about it. I kept on telling myself we're not meant to be but it's not working. I tried to remember the worst side of you, yet, you've done so many things that I'm thankful for. I believed there were reasons we met, reasons for good times, reasons for bad times and most importantly a reason we ended it. It's not that we weren't meant for each other, we weren't ready for forever. Somehow, I know we'll meet again, not quite sure where and when. For now, it's goodbye. Just let me keep these pain, these love until I know I fall out of love.

This is the picture of my love life.

"Danial, I've always loved you and will always love you. Ingat sampai bila bila."

 


Zara Ismail