I turn to you.

its been a crazy and wild week. too many parties i attended to.
at the end, i called him early in the morning.crying to him. telling him i missed talking to him. complaining about me losing my mobile phone cause i got wasted.

i was touched when i got to know that he stills really care.
had long conversations with him,last Saturday morning and today.

when i think about it, i still turn to him.


Thank you.

compared whom i went out with now,it's not working out.

"betul cakap dia..."

loneliness

i was sitting down with my housemates.
we were talking about my past relationship with d.
i tried to avoid talking about it.
how can i move on?when people kept on asking about him.talking about him.comparing him to the guys i'm dating.how is it gonna help me??its making it harder.i hate it alot. i hate it when im crying my heart out.

part of me is saying something else.i'm listening to his favorite song to soothe me. all i have are memories. all i have now are tears..

few questions.

1. How are you doing?
2. What's been going on?
3. How about your .... ?
4. How's everything between ..... ?

There's no me without you..

it's been 2 days me smoking alone.
staring at the empty streets.
i wonder how is he doing...

kenapa lah lama sangat masa berlalu?
sampai bila aku perlu rasa sebegini?

it hurts.
i kept on thinking, how my days would be without him.
can i manage to go on?

it all takes time.
and that's what i don't have.

Incomplete...

As i lit my cigarette, i was lost in my own thoughts.
--my own place.
--my own world.

As i entered to the bookstore, it reminds so much of him.

I still can smell his perfume on his favorite tee.

When i take every sip of wine, i kept on thinking about him.

Before i go to sleep, i miss our cute "routine", talking on the phone while smoking.
Guess he's happy doing it with her now.

When i go to dine in any restaurant, it reminds me so much of us.

How long will it take to pass this pain?
How long will it take to heal?
How long will i suffer?
How long shall i deal with it?

I just can wait to leave now.
Leave everything.
Leave those memories.
Leave the old me.

"even though it seems i have everything,i don't wanna be a lonely fool...i can make believe i have everything,but without you, my life is incomplete."

Misunderstood..

before i write down what i intend to, i just wanna shout wwwooohhoo!!!~ GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED!! GO FERRARI!! XD

anyway, yeah, last night i couldn't sleep really well. i had horrible dreams about me and him. We were practically yelling towards each other. Can't believe that i could dream such things. That's what happened when you kept on thinking too much..

last night i went to hartamas square to watch football match between manchester united [i loikkee] vs liverpool with my "bf". As anyone can see here, i wrote it with inverted comas. So i bumped into someone, it was d's best friend A. And the conversation goes...

z: A!! [walk towards him and hug]

A: What are you doing here? Who are you with?

z: Glory Glory Man United!! ouh I'm with my "bf" [pointing to S]

A: Okay...[shocked] I mean what's going on?

z: Look D found someone else. so it's goodbye you know..you know what's going on between me and him, rather complicated plus i know he likes her a loooong time ago. Plus, if things work out between me n S, maybe we'll get engage. Tengok la dulu.

A: What??!! What are you talking about engage?! I mean, okay, I know D very well, I know her too. What she's like. Come on la, she used to be with my bestfriend then when i was in highschool before i got close to D. I know D very well, I mean I've seen his worst broke up with L. When he texted me last friday, telling me "dude, i think i have a gf." I was like you think? that shows he's uncertain about it. it's either you have one or you don't. You guys baru a couple of weeks je. Cepat giler korang rebound. Him and you. I mean you...engage?Why are you doing this to yourself? I know you're way smarter than this! It all takes time..He's actually coming here. Are you okay with that? I mean he's coming with her..Do you want me not to tell him not to come. Telling him I tak jadi datang?

z: Nah la it's okay. Well, I can't say no. I have to deal with it.. I know he's happy with her.You're just saying that to make me feel okay kan? Anyway, i got to go to my "bf". Dah lama sangat dah. Just don't tell him that I'm here.

A: okay.where are you seated?

z: Right in front there.. [pointing the spot]

and so i walked to my place. I couldn't sit still. I have that butterflies in your tummy feelings. I'm not ready seeing him with some other girl for now. I'm not sure whether he's ready also to see me with some other guy...

I called my best friend a few minutes later. I cried telling her i need her badly 'cause i'm not ready for it.

Then i received a message from A.
"Hey sweets, I'm sorry but he's already on his way. How? Mcm ni la, just avoid where i sat just now. Where are you seated?"

I replied telling A that it's fine with me. I even asked A whether has D arrived. I wanted to order my food at western there, and A said better order straight away. I went to order my food with my cousin, Nana.

Nana: Eyh eyh tuh dia. He's alone.
z: Oh my god. dia nampak i ke tak?
Nana: Tak la..
z: Eh jom. I don't want to bump into him please. I don't feel like seeing him right now.

[we walked towards our table]

Nana: You okay or not? It's fine. You have me here...
z: I don't want him to see me la..
Nana: Buat bodoh la. enjoy the game. entah entah he couldn't be bothered about you here with S.Eyh alamak.Nie dia depan kita.

My heart stopped for few seconds. Saw him right in front of my eyes.

Sent A a sms, "Dia datang sorang kan?"
A replied; "Yupp.. Nasib..."

I called my best friend again to update her.

"Why did you tell A that you're engage to S? Why must you lie?! Why can't you tell A that S is your bf?D called me and asked me - is Z engage to S?- and i was like what? since when she got engage?how come i don't know about it? Why did you do that Z? You should know how A is."

I told my best friend, "I did not tell A that at all. He misunderstood what i told him.Sigh. I'll tell A what's going on la.hish. how could he say that. I said to A if things work out la.."

I told myself -sia sia aku kena marah. lain aku cerita,lain dia sampaikan. aku cakap jangan beritahu, dia beritahu juga.apakah? nampak sangat talam dua muka.Kenapa lah aku pergi cakap dengan dia pun tak tahu. Sia sia sahaja.-

I then sent another sms to A explain to him that he misunderstood me.

I just don't get it. If he doesn't care why would he called? Or is he just curious? In the first place i kept on thinking, why would i be worried about him. Why do i feel like i still owe him an explanation? Why would i mourn when I'm the one who said goodbye for good? He couldn't even be bothered. Why do i feel this way? Oh dear Lord, it's killing me. Both my head and heart are having this big crisis. I can't take it.

"maafkanlah bila ku selalu
membuatmu marah dan benci padaku
ku lakukan itu semua
hanya tuk buatmu bahagia" - Tangga [Terbaik Untukmu]

Letting go...

I had a hard time to sleep last night.
My mind was constantly thinking about what happened for the past 3 weeks.
A friend of mine came over at my place;

a: saw him at laundry last night with a girl.he was sitting at a bar, hands over her shoulder. wanted to call you but didn't want to hurt you.

z: nah la it's fine with me. i know he's there with her. yeah i know he likes her too.

a: you deserve better. just so you know, you are way better off without him.

z: i know..i already know..

that conversation i had with that friend of mine kept on playing on my mind. the conversations i had with him. the conversations i had with my dad.

he cried when i told him the news. he's really upset. i had to tell him...
"I'm sorry pa, I failed everyone.."

Right after i hung up, i made up my mind. I'm leaving everyone for awhile. I need it..
I sent him an email. i said what i had to say..i should have said it long time ago..
I'm hurt. I hurt everyone.

I remembered the time when he said to me a couple weeks ago he wanted to be single for the next few months or maybe a year and not looking for a relationship. I'm puzzled. It's true how people changed their mind so quickly. Remembered telling me not ready for any commitments. Sigh. I know i am. I know I'm keeping my options wide. . .

And now, it's time to let go...everything.
It's the hardest thing to do..
I know i can do it.
and i know, i will never love anyone like i loved him.

Never Again..

Today is the day we said good bye.. It's a lie i didn't cry. Couldn't believe it was this soon 'cause we spoke 2 days ago about it.

It's the best.

d: remember kan we agreed we'll let each other know kalau we're seeing anyone n its
confirmedkan ?
z: ur w her dah kn?
d: not with her,but i can say we're seeing each other.i mean its not confirmed, but we're goin out
z: congrats
d: we're just goin out.buat apa la nak congrats
z: u found sumone else its a start isnt it like u said?
d: yeah its a possibility
z: well i guess its time to say gd bye isnt it?
d: well, in a way,but its not goodbye forever n for good, kan ?its about time pon.
z: its a lie if i say i dun hv feelings for u..its a lie if i say i dun like S or M or SZ or
whoever else im going out with. im happy u found someone else n i know shes way
better.its just matter of time.im not gonna lie to u,i am sad.but at d same time, i
am happy for u..

"kasih tinggalkanlah diriku tuk selamanya
biarkan ku sendiri
cukup bagi diriku melukai hatimu
kasih tinggalkanlah diriku tuk selamanya
biarkan aku
mungkin kau akan bahagia dengan dia, denganmu"-Tompi.

my feelings *part I*

i can't really sleep.i feel like shit.i hate this feeling.i hate myself right now.

enough said.

Mengenangmu..

I had a "talk" with him.. wanted to settle things and to clear up my head..
I never felt so sad like the day we know we're breaking up. He saw me crying about us. Finally. I know somehow, sooner or later we'll go our own ways.. It's so hard dealing with it. Though I'm dating someone right now, deep down inside, I'm just lying to myself..

I told him, I know we won't get back together.
Reasons:-
a. He doesn't want it.
b. I know it won't work out.

Deep down, I'm sad..

I'm still heartbroken. It's so hard to amend it. I know I won't find someone like him.. I'm just praying that that time will come..


"Takkan pernah habis air mataku..
bila kuingat tentang dirimu..
Biarlah kusimpan sampai nanti aku
‘kan ada di sana..
--Tenanglah dirimu dalam kedamaian.
Ingatlah cintaku; kau tak terlihat lagi
Namun cintamu abadi." - Kerispatih

How long must I cry

Baby listen
I never meant to be so hard on you
but my pride had me thinking that it was the right thing
but I really love you
and it's driving me crazy
that your not here to hold me anymore

How long must i cry
how long do I have to try to make happiness my friend
and how long will it be
until you've come back to me
and let me feel your love again

I said i really loved u and I'm thinking of you
theres no one in this world could take place of you because you are my baby
and you drive me crazy
theres nothing else I would say or do
I dont have you back in my life
I'm willing to live and die for you baby don't u know that my words are true
I really love you still thinkin of you
can't imagine living without you
I really miss you no need to dis you
can't live another day without you and
everything I say to you baby it's true

*These Walls*

While I heading back home from work, his favorite song played on the mp3 player..
All the memories coming back to me. It's almost 2 months. Time flies quickly without me realizing it. I remembered the day he said that he loves me when this song played.

I can't believe it..I could stop walking and cry. I didn't even realize I crossed the road. My mind wasn't there..

I was in my past. It's messing up my head. Messing up my heart. It's too painful.
I know breaking up isn't an easy process to go through. I just can't go on.. Too many thoughts on my mind.

"Ya Allah, ambil lah perasaan ini.."

I wasn't myself for past few days. I hardly day dreaming. Lost into my own thoughts. I can't do this. I just can't.

I need you.

Jangan dekat atau
Jangan datang kepadaku lagi
Aku semakin terseksa
Kerana tak memilikimu

Ku cuba jalani hari
Dengan pengganti dirimu
Tapi hatiku selalu
Berpihak lagi padamu.

I can't really think. Just want all these to stop messing up my head.

I Hate That I Love You.

It really suits our situation.


[Ne-Yo]
Yeeay!

[Rihanna]
Heyy heyy!
That's how much I love you (yeah),
That's how much I need you (yeah, yeah, yeah).
And I can't stand you,
Must everything you do
Make me wanna smile,
Can I not like you for a while? (No!)

[Ne-Yo:]
But you wont let me,
You upset me girl,
And then you kiss my lips,
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset),
Can’t remember what you did.

[Ne-Yo]
But I hate it!

[Rihanna]
You know exactly what to do,
So that I can't stay mad at you,
For too long,
That's wrong.

[Ne-Yo]
But I hate it!

[Ne-Yo]
You know exactly how to touch,
So that I don't want to fuss and fight no more,
Said I despise that I adore you.

[Rihanna]
And i hate how much I love you boy (yeah),
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you),
And I hate how much I love you boy (oooh whoa),
But I just can't let you go,
And I hate that I love you so.

[Ne-Yo:]
Ooh, and you completely know the power that you have,
The only one that makes me laugh.

[Rihanna]
Sad and it's not fair,
How you take advantage of the fact that I,
Love you beyond the reason why (whyyy),
And it just ain't right, ohh!

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl,
I can't stand how much I need you (heyy, heyy),
And I hate how much I love you girl,
But I just can't let you go,
But I hate that I love you so.

[Rihanna & Ne-Yo]
One of these days maybe your magic wont affect me,
And your kiss wont make me weak,
But no one in this world,
Knows me the way you know me,
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me-eee.

[Ne-Yo]
Yeaahh,
Oooohh,
Ohh yeah.

[Rihanna]
That's how much I love you (much I need you),
That's how much I need you,
That's how much I love you (ohh),
That's how much I need you.

[Rihanna & Ne-Yo]
And I hate that I love you,
[Rihanna]
Sooooooo!

[Rihanna]
And I hate how much I love you boy,
I can't stand how much I need ya (can't stand how much I need you),
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeeaah ohh),
But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you, no)
And I hate that I love you so.

[Rihanna & Ne-Yo]
And I hate that I love you so, sooo.

Ordinary People..

When I actually hear this song live performance by John Legend himself last 2 days with someone special to me, it just makes me feel sad.. Made me think about the thing that is going on between me and him.

The things happened last 2 days, partly was my fault. Was being too emotional. What I agreed with him, I didn't really stick to it and I actually made his night into a nightmare, I supposed. He didn't enjoy it though he said he did.

It made me think. Should I or should I not. I'm now in a mess where no one can help me. Only I can mend it. Watched Bridget Jones I and II. Kinda funny 'cause when I was watching it, kinda reminds me of me.

I need more time to think right now.

I spoke to my best friend, to my sister too..
When I think about it, it made me cry. Why are we doing this? Keep on hurting each other. Keep on trying to amend things. Wanted to move on but we are not. Sounds so selfish for the both of us. We still have feelings for each other. Care about each other but kept on hurting. [Mostly are my faults.]

It's messing up my head. I can't really think. It just been in my mind.

"why why why?"

It's so complicated..

This ain't a movie--
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
We head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way
Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never find
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
You never know baby you and I..
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cause we're ordinary people
*I STILL want you to stay*

Baby Love..

I remember like it was yesterday
First kiss and I knew you changed the game
You have me, exactly, well you want it,
And I'm on it

And I ain't ever gonna let you get away
Holdin' hands never made me feel this way
So special, boy it's your, it's your smile
We so in love

You are my baby love
You make the sun come up
You're my everything that I could ever dream of
You are my baby love
You make the sun come up
You're my everything

Been a minute and we still holding it down
Butterflies every time you come around
You make me, so crazy
It's crazy, oh baby

And I don't ever wanna be with no one else
You're the only one that ever made me melt
You're special, boy it's your, your style
We so in love

You're my always and forever
You're my sunshine
On my mind, constant
Think about you all the time
You're my everything
You make the sun come up on a cloudy day
You're my number one
You're my special thing

"You are my baby love.."

Munajat Cinta

Tonight I'm still all alone...
--As usual.
Like those nights before this.

This heart of mine is empty and sad.

"Tuhan kirimkanlah aku..."

Love Always

Day dreaming of you..
-- Please leave me.
It's unbearable;
Can't have you.

Tried living my days with someone new,
But my heart belongs to you..


"Why is this happening to me?
Tuhan maafkan diri ini.."

Cause I still love him...

Mess up.

torn in two.
which is the best?
one is good, and the other is the greatest.

think think think.

dare not to hurt anyone at all.
dare not to hurt myself.
what a mess.

To You I Belong

It's true what they say about love..
It's blind.

Loneliness only wants you back here with me
Common sense knows that it's wrong..
Sadness has me at the end of the line.

You know how I'm feeling..
It's you, I believe in.
Can't you see that I need you?

Whenever dark turns to night,
And all the dreams sing their song..
To you I belong.
--because you still touch me..

My beloved best friend is going through the same situation..be strong love. remember you'll always have us.

we love you nora harizan.

Closer to me <3

Constantly you're on my mind
And I think about you all of the time
And even though words are hard to say
I miss you, never thought I'd feel this way..

Nobody's there when I call your name,
And nights are cold without your flame.

Every day reminisce with the past
Of a love that I thought would last.
How we used to be when it was you and me.
How did it all disappear so fast?
There are days that I can't forget
There are things that I now regret.
I was there for you when you were there for me, and I was thinking we were set.
Every night when I'm laying in my bed
I hear your voice going round in my head, think of all the things I could have done and all those things I could have said.
--It took time but now Ive realised how much I'm missing you.
Everyday you're closer to me.

Thank you. For still being here.

" You're still a part of everything I do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo,I'll always have you.."-Jordan Sparks [Tattoo]

With you..

I need you.
I want you.
With you, things are different
-- greatest.

I need you.
I want you.
With you, time is precious
-- memories.

No one can compare you.
I'm so glad I met you.
You're one of the kind.
You mean a lot to me.
Because of you,
I am me.

-- I am me when I'm with you.
Every kisses and hugs, I feel home.

mixed.

funny when you know you could get away fro something you've been hiding for ages, it finally reveals..

"tu la, lama-lama Allah tunjukkan juga"
someone said that to me.
i got home drunk.
woke up,hang over.
felt extremely stupid.
my left eye twitched.
i cried.

crying out loud.
for my stupidity.
for being such an egoistic bitch.
for being such a confused person.
for being a stupid girlfriend.

felt betrayed.
but it's for my own good.
but...
[i lost those words..]

mixed feelings.

"what comes around, goes around.."
lesson learned lesson taken.

Ingkar

Open up your heart what do you feel?
Is it real..?
Look inside, you'll find a deeper love..
The kind that only comes from high above..

Without you realizing it,
It is love.

If you think you can't let it out,
Keep it.

"jangan ingkar perasaan itu..."

Lie about us.

Who am i kidding?
I think the world knows about it.
I just don't know how to break it.
I know you're waiting the moment that we don't have to.
How should I do it?
Just wait.
Be patient..
Just a little bit longer..
Let's not lie about us.

One word says it all..

Sad.

Bad Love Good Sex

I read this article featured in Female magazine. It's from February 2008 issue. interesting topic to read and to be discuss.

"The pleasure and excitement derived from sexual enjoyment is an important drive, but sex is also about expression of commitment and positive regard for a partner and a product of love and intimacy. Ideally in a loving relationship, all elements are present and work in concert with each other. Sometimes pleasure and excitementcan be seemingly dissociated from all else as in "casual" anonymous sex with strangers, or partners who hate each other but may occasionally recognize "they still have needs". Sex can also serve the purpose of "control", to manipulate a partner and be used as "currency" to trade for each other needs in a relationship. Sometimes it is even used as a symbol of domination or submission og one party over the other." -- Dr Calvin Fones, Consultant Psychiatrist, Gleneagles Hospital, Singapore.

Don't anyone agree on this? For me, part of it. As I used to experience it. In this article, there are three women share how a dysfunctional love life which they can call relationship that doesn't get in the way of coupling:-
a. Married, but available.
b. Sex with ex.
c. Faking it.


I think there must be a few more. Been there done that. the B. It's way different than i think. I rather having it with someone that i know instead of with random guys like in the article wrote, "helping old lovers out when the urge strikes.". Enjoying it at the same time because it is way better than before since there is no more wall. Funny how it works.Now, all left are memories. Something that i'd remember..

Fragile

Inhale.
Exhale.

Feels like my chest is going to explode.
The burden that I'm carrying.
The love that I have.

I'm that fragile.
I'm that vulnerable.

a: how are you dear?
me: i'm doing ok..
a: how are you holding up?
me: pretty strong for now..
a: i know you that well. don't lie to me..
me: nahh i'm fine.if you don't believe me, ask ati.
a: i will.knowing you..

thanks for being there for me.
you only come when there are no more tears.
you only come when my heart's bleeding.

Brains fried up.

1. sleeping late. [one and a half week of off]
2. smoking a lot. [stress for no reasons on few things€ and i am a heavy smoker]
3. been eating like nobody's business. [hell yeah I've gained weight.omg!]
4. drinking.
5. partying. [some say I'm a party animal.but I know I'm not.]

And the results;-
a. being a lazy bum to clean the house.
b. always jumbling the words.
c. laugh until I drool.
d. waking up late.
e. cranky most of the time.
f. getting period/menstrual twice this month.
g. act like somewhat retarded or to put in a nice way,distorted.
h. forget to return calls and replying emails and smses. [Important calls!]
i. caught slight fever and flu.at times sore throat.[that's for irregular sleeping,smoking,partying and drinking a lot.]
j. forget about almost everything.[what i've said or done]
k. totally forgot about my appointments with anyone. I FORGOT ABOUT MY INTERVIEW TODAY AT MARCUS EVANS!!! [thank god i managed to reschedule and attend to it -- please pray i'll get the job.]

i need an organizer.
i need to rest.
i need to live my life normally again.