Wednesday, May 20, 2009

What Hurts The Most

How strong am I?

It's been awhile. I know I've been very quiet, very reserved. I just want to be alone right now. I'm just like a zombie. I haven't slept for 4 days. I don't go out. I hate these feelings. Feeling of emptiness. There's a big void. Knowing he's not around anymore, making it harder for me.

I just felt like my right leg is chopped off. I haven't done anything stupid because I made a promise to him and myself. I don't remember moving on is this hard. Very very hard. I felt like, losing a dead lover is easier compared to know he's alive and bound to bump into. I hate this. All the familiar faces. All those places, reminds me so much of him. I can't even sleep in my own room. I just sit down and cry my eyes out. I don't care anymore how hurt it is. As long as I can get this pain go away. Far far away.

I kept on staring at the phone everyday, hoping for a miracle. To take this pain away. I've been thinking, leaving is the best way. BUT running away doesn't do me any good. Only coward will runaway.

i don't know. I can't think clearly anymore. At times, I think, doesn't he misses me at all.. I know it's best for both him and I.. I'm just not ready. Losing him at this time. BUT if not now, when? Definitely do not want to go on and on same old thing. I hate this.

Part of me loves him a lot. I want him around. I need him around. I have lots of people to support me but it's not the same having him around. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

Time is too slow. I'm doing my best to keep myself busy. As much as I want to drop everything and cry everyday, I can't. I just want this pain to go away. Just go.

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