I don't even know where to start.
I'm very lonely lately. I don't know why do I feel like that. Perhaps it has been a very quiet month (since there hasn't any job/events going on) and I have a place on my own again. I have a lot of time to think. I hate it when my mind wanders around the quiet and dark universe. It's like a little kid going to the playground at night. Dangerous, no?
I've relapsed uncountable times. I thought I could accept the facts that my dad has passed away and no longer around. Unfortunately, it takes time. All these while I've been channeling my sadness through work. I don't have to think about it. I was too afraid to accept that my knight in shining amor is no longer around. Now, that I have a lot of time to think about it, I had my regrets. Lots of it. At one point, I was beating myself too hard that I didn't even visit his grave nor come back home to my mother. I went away.
Everytime I head back home to my mother, I will always be very quiet and lock in my own room. It felt strange to go home where he was always there. Until the 100th day he passed away, I really broke down and cried.
There are 2 important men in my life right now, one is still my ex (you all know who am I talking about) and the other is my boss-slash-my-brother-from-another-parents (no blood ties nor through marriage. He has been a very good friend whom I call family now). They have been very supportive of me. That day, they sort of gave me an "ultimatum".
They told me, there are reasons why my late father used to tell me, " Do not cry when I'm not around anymore". I understood what they were trying to tell me. I don't know how long I would still need time on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm "running away" from reality. I "ran away" from my mom, my family, my siblings, and my friends.
I always thought I could've done more for him. I did. I was there when he needed me the most. I took care of him when no one could. I may not fulfilled his wishes but I did alright. I came out alright. No matter how, I remember where I'm from. He has taught me well. The only wish I didn't fulfill was to be hand away when I'm married. He had a plan. He wanted me to get married. I was so heartbroken at that time and I couldn't accept his idea. All I had was my love for my ex. I could not love anyone else like I loved him. My father understood.
That will always be the saddest day of my life when I get married. My father won't be there to see me walking hand in hand with my husband to be. Not that I have any candidates in mind right now. I do want to get married. Someday. Have a family with someone I know I could spend my life with until the day I die. I'd love that. Unfortunately, I'm too scared to get married. Seeing someone close to me been cheated and go through hell. Unfortunately, I still love my ex, and no one (for now) could be any better than him. Perhaps I never gave anyone chances, but I do believe my time will come.
I've always envy people being so happy. I think I've lost that since my father's passing. I am happy but it is not as before. I've always read my old blog post, "Picture Almost Perfect". That will always bring tears to my eyes.
I don't know even know what I want to sy here anymore.
I'm happy with my job.
I'm happy that I'm in good terms with my ex.
Yet, it's not the same. My biggest puzzle in my life is now gone. I just have to get use to it.
Please go easy on me.. I know I'll be fine..
"I'd trade all my tommorows for a single yesterday." - Janis Joplin