within me..

sitting here all alone,kept me thinking..
funny how relationship goes.
was discussing with my devlins.

mary : aku slalu je tak dapat orang yang elok as a boyfriend.
dini : jangan la cakap camtu..belum masa kau lagi..
sis : ya la,it's not your time..
moi : true..you'd never know orang yang kau tercari-cari tuh right under your nose.

[the conversation went on..]

we never thought what would happen in future.no one can predict it.It's all written by god.

as i was talking to them, listening to dini's stories about her relationship, made me feel a bit sad. yeah i'm single now..but single is fun. i can have lots of option.
sis is back with tran.nora has amir (though there's lotsa things going on). left dani,mariam and i.

sometimes i asked myself why..where did i go wrong..but to question it,i won't be getting any answers.isn't it true.it's kinda sad when i have to pretend with my recent ex in front my parents. how i wished i could break the news easily. why must they love him.among all my exes..they love him the most.

it's making it harder to me.most of my gfs said to me not break the news until i'm with someone new.which's gonna take some time.not really looking forward into relationship.need to rest. need some time to be alone.

i wished i could sit down and talk to my sister,who knows better about this. spoke to my first love;

faiz : relax la..i told you dah kan, never give in too much. tapi tu la, masa i ngan you pun, your parents tade la sayang i sangat macam your recent ex kan?
moi : haa tau takpe.pening la you.i dah pening ni.risau papa sedih..
faiz : sabar je la...nanti sampai la masa tuh

what he said is true.when the right time comes,i can tell them. i miss that particular person. last sms i got from "him" is before i went off to bed. wandering myself with my thoughts, i got lost.

The music in him.. (His music)

So melancholy
Melody's soothing him
He closed his eyes
Wandered into his own space..
Seeing it all like a movie without sound.
Everything in black and white.
The rendition played by her on piano
-- brings ton of memories.
Happy and sad.
Good and bad.
Tears in his eyes;
-- He smiled.
Isn't it such a mystery?
How music can heal you..
-- that music is in him.
His heart.
His soul.
His life.


I dedicate this for someone special..
Zara D.

Back to you

i wrote this blog for someone important in my life..
Sis, I know you love him..
We LOVE you..

I tried to forget
I tried to stay away
Tried to get over
but I never..

Sweet kisses
Soft touch
Sensual smile
Seducing.

It's stronger than it used to be
Isn't it insane?
It's my bliss
Sweetest drug
My ecstacy.

I'm a lovefool
I'm back to you.

That world is mine..

Bass pumping.

Crowds dancing.

Lights flickering.

Raise the glasses.

Oh it’s heaven.

My heaven..

All my dreams came true.

When I am there..

Dancing like a ballerina,

Flow as the rhythm

Flying high.

Oh, that world is mine..

Take me somewhere nice

When I close my eyes;

Imagining…

-- beautiful places

-- beautiful people

-- perfect ambience

-- wonderful weather

When I close my eyes;

Feels like…

-- flying

-- floating

-- drifting

When I close my eyes;

I am there.

My own perfect little world.

~ where no one else knows…

Are you fine...

Kadang kala aku bingung.

Apakah perasaan ini?

Tidak dapat dinyatakan.

In English, can’t put into words.

Entah mengapa..

Hati ini sayu..

But I can still smile.

Can’t differentiate the difference between real and fake smile

Just can’t tell it anymore…

Sigh.

Terimbas kembali kenangan lalu…

Sigh.

As usual, I could only smile…

One and Only

Looking at him

Stroking my dad’s back…

“kenapa lah bukan dia” [why isn’t him]

Hoping it’d be someone else;

-- keeping me company.

Didn’t sleep the whole night –

Pa : pergi lah tidur [go to sleep]

Moi : I can go to club til dawn, it’s my duty.

It’s not easy.

2 separate wards.

Been there.

Done that.

[Praying.]

I love you both.

Is it love?

Moi: oh rinduya..

A : flower dihati ye?

Moi: of course

Beep.

A : ada message

How was your day..? hope not too harsh.. =)

A : siapa?

Moi: rahsia..

Typing fastly.

[message sent]

When you think you don’t need it,

When you say you don’t want it,

When you thought you won’t experience it,

~ It comes naturally.

over my shoulder

Alone

Afraid

Sad

Angry

Why?

Looking at them

My heart cries.

“I can’t do this alone…”

But it’s my duty.

If only “he” is around.

To take my pain away.

[21/2/08 – 12.17am]

Funny yet strange weekend.

i encountered strange incidents during the weekends.
when i think about it,i laughed.
spend it with this ex of mine. the current one. hurm, let's call him ex5.

we never do that when we were together. hung out just the 2 of us. it was wonderful. the best after we broke up. weird isn't it?

moi : "yknow, we made the right choice.."
ex5 : "yeah we did.."
we smiled.

on Sunday, i wasn't feeling that well. ex1 called to check on me. ex3 called to ask me out. huh?
Later that night i went to nbt. listening to mia singing...

sayunya hati aku...
I smiled.

ouh. i went there with ex5 which we then bumped with his ex. hurmm.. ex2 of his. haha. please don't get confuse. we said hi to each other [weeeiiiird~] and then while sitting by the stairs, another of his ex, urrmm.. ex3 walking up. [omg.funny.lol]. At the end of the show, we then bumped again with ex3, she said;

his ex3 : "get a petition.you're gonna be in the picture with him.."

moi : "it's up to him. I'm no longer with him."

we both walked away. [we're talking about him wanting to do dreadlock.]

it's kinda weird actually.i don't know how does he feels that night. he said to me once; "i don't believe in coincidences.. ".

But if i were him, I'm gonna be quite surprised. thinking.. "OMG. this is weird. i think i gotta do something. maybe change my name and move somewhere else?"

ouh wait. i dreamt that this morning. waking up. my best friend laughed at me, "kau mengigau dowh..".

funny yet strange.

A-Z bastards.

i'd like to share this list with all the ladies out there. since most of my gfs just broke up including myself. i did this list last 2 years with one of my bestfriends.
i believe there's A to Z categories about men.

A
known as the "A-list bastards"
profession:perfect guy from heaven
how do they look:hetrosexual,good looking,with the 5c's-cash,car,credit card,career,condo
what do they like/do:SEX only

B
known as the "bitching and bragger bastards"
profession:bitcher and bragger
how do they look:nice looking gentlemen
what do they like/do:talk bad (bitch around) about their exes and brag their past relationship to friends or new flames

C
known as the "confused bastards"
profession:the CONFUSIONS
how do they look:VERY CONFUSED
what do they like/do:get other people CONFUSED.(especially the part where they don't know how to make any decisions)

D
known as the "dumb bastards"
profession:dumber than dumb and dumber (get it?)
how do they look: DUMB (whatelse?? It's already stated that they are the "dumb bastards!")
what do they like/do:ACT DUMB

E
known as the "everything which has stated the above and below the list bastards"
profession:JUST BEING A BASTARD
how do they look: -nil- (you'll recognized it from the start because men,they are all borned to be bastards)
what do they like/do: make us fall deeply and make us suffer by breaking our heart

F
known as the "fucking bastards"
profession:the seeker a.k.a CCTV
how do they look:ever heard roving eyes?
what do they like/do: I C U WHEN I NEED YOU

G
known as the "fuckable bastards"
profession:gigolo
how do they look:high class style BUT broke
what do they like/do:I C U WHEN I NEED MORE BLINGS

H
known as the "horny bastards"
profession:flasher
how do they look:pervert
what do they like/do:showing their proud manhood

I
known as the "innocent bastards"
profession:gentlemen a.k.a STALKER
how do they look:humble
what do they like/do:pretend they are nice and wonderful until they get you

J
known as the "jealous bastards"
profession:a loving guy
how do they look:lovable,caring
what do they like/do:NO to everything

K
known as the "kinky bastards"
profession:flirter
how do they look:cheecky
what do they like/do: phone sex?

L
known as the "lonely bastards"
profession:lone ranger
how do they look:mysterious
what do they like/do:reject all girls. ( they could be gay... =P )

M
known as the "married bastards"
profession:adulterer
how do they look:single but remote
what do they like/do:screwed up lil' girls heart

N
known as the "notorious bastards"
profession:beater
how do they look:bad boy
what do they like/do:beat you of course! give the hell of your life!

O
known as the "obsessive bastards"
profession:obsesser
how do they look:insecure
what do they like/do:keep you in the gold cage

P
known as the "player bastards"
profession:player
how do they look:good looking
what do they like/do:change girls as often as they can

Q
known as the "quit bastards"
profession:quitter
how do they look:simple
what do they like/do: "it's me not you..."

R
known as the "rebellious bastards"
profession:rebel (not the same category like osama ok?)
how do they look:rebellious
what do they like/do:always want to wins

S
known as the "sick bastards"
profession:psycho
how do they look: NOT OK (you wouldn't want to know)
what do they like/do:psycho womens' mind

T
known as the "tramp bastards"
profession:gold digger
how do they look:materialistic
what do they like/do:finish up all your money

U
known as the "uptight bastards"
profession:perfectionist
how do they look:stress and depressed
what do they like/do: "my way or the highway?!" (that's if your in the same car..hehe)

V
known as the "vulnerable bastards"
profession:sensitive guy
how do they look:mommy's boy
what do they like/do:being pampered

W
known as the "whining bastards"
profession:whiner
how do they look:unsatisfied
what do they like/do:whining 24/7!

X
known as the "X-rated bastards"
profession:kings of porns
how do they look:horny
what do they like/do: "Baby,i would love to record you..."

Y
known as the "yes bastards"
profession:coward
how do they look:obedient
what do they like/do:you get this kind of bastard,you're the QUEEN!

Z
known as the "zany bastards"
profession:jeist
how do they look:funny,happy go lucky,carefree
what do they like/do:make jokes at the wrong time


*note to all men out there,don't be such a sleazy bastards and pretend to be good ones coz none of you are good!! (siapa makan cili terasa pedasnye!!!) =)*

the list above done and brainstormed by Zara*Devlin and dRugBeauTy.
i'm not les,just got heartbroken.

Happy ending.

when first i heard this song by mika, i fell for it. it meant a lot to me. gave me strength. i grew stronger. not just because i have my parents and friends around me who loves me, but because i love myself too.
i've never felt so good.i got almost everything i want right now.

Alhamdulillah.

Hear you me..

See in through both sides
Wants more to life
Know your limits boy
Once more too high

Complicate your words
Clever talk won't impress me
Suffocate your thoughts
Empty my head

Fill this full of light
And open up.

Breathe easy..

i just got back from dinner with a friend of mine. we talked. he's concerned about me. i guess everyone is. the thing i just don't get it is why won't people believe me?  did i move on  too  soon? i hate the facts that people get annoyed and not supporting me enough. thank you. but no one can protect me forever. i have  to stand on my own two feet. somehow or  rather, people kept on saying that i'm in denial. 

too bad. i'm not. 

i'm moving on. i love my life right now. why would i waste my time grieving? sulking? it's obnoxious! Only Allah knows how i feel right now. I'm not the same girl i used to be. crying and beating myself up for the person who doesn't deserve me. 

live life to the fullest.

that's one of my mottos in life. things doesn't go the way i want it to be, there'll be a better things coming my way sooner or later. I've been doing very well, staying positive but seems that there are people who wants to bring me down. Why? Why can't i live my life the way it is. I'm not stupid. InsyaAllah I won't do anything that people expect me to do. I've learned my lessons from my previous relationships. I do feel empty. I do feel lonely. That's because I'm used of having someone to love me. passionately. Now, I have some other people who loves me more than he did. My parents. My friends. Life goes on.

I don't want to waste any of my time because it's precious.

You might never know what happen in the future.

Breaking up isn't easy. It's not as easy as the first time you fell in love.

I'm dealing it the best i can. Proudly to say, I'm getting over it. I'm looking forward and I know there's something better ahead. 

"Doing things, changes things. By not doing things, leave things the way they were..."  -- Dr. Gregory House.

Ingat sampai bila-bila

Stronger

I wrote this last week [03.02.08].
Finally brought my book along today at the office to blog it.
Sometimes I just wonder why it happened but there must be a good reason behind it.
I pray everyday, I'll face it through..
I'm doing it. Alhamdulillah...


As i was sitting down,
People walking,passing me by..
I realized my mind was somewhere else..
And so, I've finally felt it.
--emptiness
--loneliness
--sadness
filling me up...

I'm doing just fine..
What kills me,
makes me stronger.

"You were my earth
My number one priority
Gave my love to only you
Anything you'd ask of me I would do
But somewhere down the road
You feel a change in the weather and told me
That you have to journey on
A kiss in the wind and your love was gone
When you said goodbye
I felt so all alone
There were times at night I couldn't sleep
My heart was much to weak to make it on my own
After all the misery and pain you put me through
So unfair to me
You're no longer my world and I ain't missing you at all
I'm doing just fine
Getting along very well without you in my life
Time made me stronger you're no longer on my mind"
--doin' just fine.

Lover, You Should've Come Over.

I was once introduced to this song by someone I truly love..
I remembered the first time he played this song on his pda when we were lying down under the stars at bittersweet,KL Pac February last year. The day I fell for him. =)

Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of him. The greatest things happened in my life when he was with me. The best memories ever. Though we've broken up, we remained as good friends. Most of my close friends are so afraid I'm gonna get hurt. Honestly, I've never been happier now. To tell the truth, part of me is so sad but we wanted it to end. It's the best for the both of us.

I'm blessed to know him. I'm a better person because of him. He taught me a lot of things. I thank God for sending him to me. I dedicate this blog to him. To my previous love, my good friend now, Danial Radzmi Roslan.

great times shared together..

Thank you for everything.
Wishing you well in everything you do.
Never ever forget, I'll always be there.

Zara D.