Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Dear Diary...

Dear Diary,
Yesterday I had a talk with him. I told him how I felt, how much I needed him but at the same time I hated it. For the first time I felt really honest. I admitted why I did all those things before. The things I should have not done. I felt better. I don't know about him, how he felt. I told him I couldn't handle any other thoughts. He gave me the best advice. He admitted how he felt. He said what's right and wrong. For the first time as well I listened to him. I guess I did the right thing. I feel proud. I feel bad and sad too. I had to do what I had to do. I admitted to him how I felt. I'm worried. I told him, without him, my circle is incomplete. As much as I wanted him to leave, I need him by my side. He said, " I can't be there for you all the time.." more or less like that. I understood what he's trying to tell me. Before he left, he reminded me how much he cared about me and I realized he actually did. But I'm still afraid he'll leave. Just don't know when though he said he won't.

It's 3.05am when I wrote this. I've too many thoughts on my mind. I have too many things to worried about. One, about my sister and her children. Second, my parents especially my dad. Third, about him and I. Lastly, my life. I've never put myself first. For me, my loved ones are my priorities. I've always think that I'll be the hero. Life saver. Truth is I'm not and I won't be.
That's because I can't even help myself. Most of my friends think that I'm the strong and independent one. I'd like to be but I'm not. I can pretend (have always been.no one sees me crying. I can fake my smile.) I'm so clueless about myself. I don't even know where to start. I want a better life (doesn't anyone?).

I want a better career that pays me well. I've always wanted to be someone important, running around here and there. Attending to important functions. Living that kind of life but dreams may never seems to come true. Got an offer from Marcus Evans, told me that they wanted me but no news from them at all. wanted to start my own business but didn't succeed. I've always think that with better job I can help my family. Live the life that I used to (that's when people said I'm maintenance.). I earned it. Now, I kept on asking for advance. I can't even support myself anymore. I can't move around and even eat at my favorite restaurant. Debts to be paid as soon as possible. Had to pawn my only jewelery to support myself. Best friend giving me food now. Parties? I only go with Anyz and Ify, the rest, I don't feel like to. I've no money. Even I felt bad going out with Anyz and Ify. Both are like my own siblings. I feel such a freeloader going out without my own money. I wasn't like that previously. I normally paid for what I want. Life is so cruel but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I hardly go to work because my personal life is affecting me now (that is so bad! I wasn't like this!!). It's not good at all. I'm lucky to have a great boss cum friend and I felt like I've taken advantage of it. I feel ashamed of myself. I lose my pride. Where did I go wrong? I don't know how long will this last. My parents doesn't know anything at all. I wanted to prove to them that I'm okay though I'm not. I'm sick most of the time. I kept on thinking to live an easy life. There's a price to pay. Had an easy way but had to sacrifice. Today I feel like letting all my worries out. I remembered what my sister texted me when we had our 'peak' times, "Before you prove to others, prove to yourself first.". What she said is true. I looked at myself in the mirror. I realized I have been living in my own la la land. I'm 24 this year. I compared myself to my cousin who's the same age as I am. She has everything, even getting married this June with the love of her life and me, I have nothing. Nothing proud to say here. Just letting everyone in the whole wide web knows about my worries right now. Not asking for sympathy. I know there are other people out there has bigger issues and mine is just a minor case scenario. I just pray one day it'll get better. Soon..

Zara D.

No comments: