Thanks for the Memories

Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use it all means the same thing. Happy. We’re supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, lovers, family. Happy just to be alive. Whether we like it or not. Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful is recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciate small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

If I Knew...

If I knew when's my death,
I'd pray to God to live longer.

If I knew when's my time,
I'd pray not to take it away.

I'm afraid of my sins will haunt me.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to tell you,
Maybe the angel will take me with her;
-- Before I repent.

If I knew that I'm leaving,
I'd say to you how much I miss you;
I want you;
I love you.

If I knew...

Oh, The Guilt!

First, do no harm. As human beings, we pledge to live by this oath. But harm happens. Then guilt happens, and there's no oath for how to deal with that. Guilt never goes anywhere on its own. It brings its friends, doubt and insecurity. Easier said than done. We can take all the oaths in the world but the fact is most of us do harm all the time. Sometimes even when we're trying to help, we do more harm than good. And then the guilt rears its ugly head. What you do with that guilt is entirely up to you.We're left with a choice.Either you can let guilt thrown you back into the behavior that got you in trouble in the first place, or learn from the guilt, and do your best to move on.

What I Am

At some point in life, most people get a sense of who they are as a person, and the kind of people they're going to become. If you ask them they'll tell you. They're going to be a doctor. A lawyer. An architect. An accountant. A Neurosurgeon. What they do for a living do more than describe their areas of expertise, they help define who they are. Because on the outside, reality, not only do most people have no clue who they are, they're afraid to find out. Believe it or not, I was trying to make everything better. Turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing... Sometimes you have to make big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who you really are. I know who I am now. I know what I want.

Wallflower

Tell Me Sweet Lies

In life, I'm forcibly trained to be skeptical because people lie to us all the time. The rule is everyone is a liar until proven honest. Lying is bad or so I was told constantly. Honesty is the best policy. The truth shall set you free. 'I chop down the cherry tree.' or 'I'm fine, just go'. Whatever. The fact is lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth friggin’ hurts. No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it. Eventually the lies reveal themselves. Whether we like it or not. But here’s the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie, and I did..

Cracks

We all go through life like living in hell. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we have done or that has been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can’t even see. We’re all damaged it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood. Then as grown ups we give as good as we get. Ultimately we all do damage. And then we set about the business of fixing. Whatever we can.

If you look closely, you might see someone like you. Someone who's trying to find their way... Someone who's trying to find their place... Someone who's trying to find themselves... Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied or barely getting by, but that feeling’s a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day. Someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in the world, To remind us that it won’t always be this way.That someone is out there and that someone will find you...

Somewhere Inside

Who am I, love?
What am I supposed to be?
One life alone;
Somehow it’s made for me.

One bleeding scar;
Still feels how it used to feel,
It’s all so wrong,
No easy way to believe.

What do I do?
What can I say?
It’s nothing new,
The choice was made.

But what if I lose my way?
And run right into you...
Deep inside we’ll never be anything other than lonely;
Tell me what does it take?
To breathe it into you...
Weak inside we’ll never be anything other than lonely.

I wanna ride,
I wanna hide,
What I’ve become;
-- Now you’re no longer mine,
I wanna feel...
Something that’s real...
Somewhere inside.

Truth about Love/Addiction

In life, we see addiction every day. It's shocking how many kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it was just drugs, booze or cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Too often things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive then compulsive and later on turns to out of control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away. The thing about addiction is it never ends well. Because eventually whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit 'til you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you're there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse... And that's the hardest thing because it's the truth. The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say aloud to really hear for ourselves and sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves.

Great Expectations

No one believes their life will turn out just kind of ok. We all think we're going to be great, and from the day we decide to become who we are now, we are filled with expectation. Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, the difference we will make. Great expectations of who we will be, where we will go, and then we get there. We all think we're going to be great. And we feel robbed when our expectations aren't met. But sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes, the expected pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the unexpected is just what keeps us steady...standing...still. The expected is just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives.

Owner of a lonely heart

The key to surviving a lonely heart is denial. We deny that we’re tired; we deny we’re scared; we deny how badly we want to succeed; we deny that we're happy and most importantly we deny that we’re in denial. We only see what we wanna see and believe what we want to believe. And it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can’t recognize the truth…right in front of our faces. Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. The world of pretend is a cage. Not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial … and face the world head on gun’s blazing. Denial. It’s not just a river. It’s a freaking ocean. Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken; it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. At first, we ignore ourselves so we can save friends and families. But the end of the day all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.

Hurt

I've never felt so sad. It is way painful compared when I ended up my relationship. I felt so neglected by someone I truly cared. I'm always there. I never leave. Thought to leave but never did. When that someone had all the problems and tantrums, I did my best. Patience and faith was all I had. People have limitations. I finally cried. Bursting into tears for someone I once cried for after quite some time. This time I cried because I was neglected, felt unappreciated. Especially when I was doing my part. Being the nice , understanding, and coolest person on earth. None can be in my shoes on how I felt, how I reacted. I'm just letting go my frustration. I'm hurt.

Disapointments

Today is the day that I just want to let all my anger, disappointments out. Some people won't get it, some people will.

I'm sitting here, still wondering what the fuck happened to my best friend. No news at all. As far as I'm concerned, I didn't do or say any wrong things to her. Last spoken to her, things were alright. If the excuse, "I don't feel like talking to anyone." is fine by me. I normally do that too but important matters had to be solve (it's settled already,thank you very much), just a sms would do.

Got news about some bitch. Was a friend whom I knew a LONG time ago. WTF is your problem, going around badmouthing me? If you have a problem, come and talk to me. Fool. For those who actually listens and believed her, God, you guys are easy!

Families, what are they for? When I needed your words of wisdom or courage (though you're going through a lot right now), an email would do to. If not, why would I turn to you?

Everybody has their own damn issues. I get it. Try to solve it. better still, find a damn effing way! Don't just sit on it and not doing anything at all. Don't avoid it.

Some people just don't understands the meaning of relationship. You don't have to spend 24-7 with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Get a life! Yes, at first things are rainbow and butterflies. It'll change. Trust me on that. There's a reason why I'm not in it. It sucks. Yes I am still heartbroken but at least I'm happy the way I am right now. Not attracted to any guys (and please, not even girls.). If some of you think dating sucks, marriage is far worse than that. You don't have to listen to your "loved" ones most of the time. You can ask their opinion, but you, yourself have to make the decisions. Experienced that. Was told either.

Oh well, at least I know who my friends really are. Guess the list is getting shorter and shorter. Thank you for opening my eyes and heart. I just hope things will change.

"Siapa makan cili terasa pedasnya.."

Time of your life

Another turning point;
A fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
Directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
And don't ask why.

It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
-Green Day

I got this title when I was The Attic,Bangsar for one of my favorites singer-songwriters, Isaac Entry last performance (he's leaving for 3 months). I was there with one of my girl friends, Nisa T. Devlin (just the 2 of us girls!) celebrating me getting a new job. While Isaac was on a break for his second set, Green Day's song; Time of your life, played.

And so, I recalled what happened for the last one week. A week ago, I was jobless and almost broke (thanks mum and dad for helping me out!). Today, I was hired by a MNC company, Kelly Services as a staffing consultant. I realized when I was really down, only a few stand next to me. A stranger (it's because I wasn't close to her back then and she knows who she is) helped me out after I stated at my facebook profile that I'm jobless and if there any recommendations do let me know. She did. My beloved companion stood next to me, print me; my resume, brought me to the interviews, and supported me when I'm about to lose my mind, telling me that everything is going to be alright, and only 2 of my girl friends (whom I shall not name but they know who they are) was there too.

There you go, a time of your life. You were up and fall down and now, taking baby steps to build it up again. I pray that this one time, it'll last.

Geeks are the new HUNK.

I was at a mamak, having my "me" time reading CLEO magazine (July 2008 and get yourself a copy!!) . Flipping through the pages, one article caught my eyes. I just blinked blankly, 'I think I've heard this somewhere..oh! I remembered..' and I smirked.

Story goes...

Get over Brad Pitt and start dating your own nerdy Henry (as in Ugly Betty's bf) cause:

• GEEKS GO THE DISTANCE.missed last night's episode of Gossip Girl? Need help taking your pet pooch to the vet?Leave it to your geek to help you out.Geeks are more sensitive to your needs and will always take one step further in finding out what you truly need.

• GEEKS ARE GREAT IN BED. This has nothing to do with his package - geeks are always better lovers simply because they are better prepared, will pay attention to your needs and knows what to do to please you. By contrast, the average bad-boy will probably expect you to please him.

• GEEKS FIX TECHNICAL GLITCHES. Technical-related stuff are a geek's forte, if not they'd probably have "connections" who can help handle any of your tech-glitch.

• GEEKS MAKE THE MONEY. A great example is Bill Gates, (worth 22.21 Billion USD!!), founder of Microsoft Corporation, who (we're guessing) probably never had a date during his awkward high-school years.

So there you go. Kudos to Elsa Samuel!! I have to agree with her with everything she wrote in the magazine. I once dated a "geek" and he is one hot stuff and I never ever regret being with him at all. Best among all the guys I used to date. So ladies, go out there and hunt a geek. I am looking forward to meet other geeks in future. No more bad-boys. They are troublesome (don't anyone agree on that?). Cheerios~

xoxo,
Zara D.

Waiting for you

In a love story there's a language..
Filling up the soul.

I miss that story;
Where you and I were the main cast.

Those beautiful moments with you,
will forever sit in my memories;
-- Tormenting me.

And I ask,
Don't you miss it?
-- If those feelings are still yours.

How long shall I wait...?

Screwed up

I'm here sitting all alone. Crying inside. I feel like shit. I'm jobless. I'm almost broke. Heck, I'm left with RM30 to survive til god knows when. No one can help me. I'm basically screwed up. There's only so much I can do. I totally gave up.

My Private Pain

It's easy for me to lie and hide;
these pain behind my smile instead of crying.
It's easy for me to lie and hide;
pretending everything is alright.
It's easy for me to lie and hide;
the hurt and emptiness inside.
It's easy for me to lie and hide;
saying I have a future that is bright.
I'm at my breaking point;
Where no one else knows.
I long to stop my bleeding heart;
and smile again.

"a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Confucius

Illusion

I thought I saw you looking at me
I thought I saw you stare
Are my eyes deceiving me?
Are you standing there;
playing tricks on me just to prove I care?
Please tell me..
Are you just an illusion?

Short-circuit girl

how I got the name?

It all started after I went for a job interview today. During the interview I had to sit for a personal evaluation test; 88 questions of true and false and 3 forms to be filled in. Trust me, I had to cracked up my head.

Right after that Danial and I went for his birthday treat from friends of mine. I realized that when we were on our way, I started jumbling words, giving bad directions! [Someone is a good driver but unfortunately bad with roads and I'm the living GPS.]. As we reached to our destination and while waiting for friends of mine, I became clumsy. Knocked myself here and there.

We had fun. Telling jokes. Here are some of it..

"Kenapa Nobita dan Doraemon tak datang Malaysia?" [ans: sebab M'sia ada banyak GIANT].

"Ada satu bas jatuh gaung,semua penumpang termasok driver mati. Apa yang tak mati" [ans: roadtax.]

Then I remembered a story once was told by one of my uncles during raya..
"Jenap jalan-jalan, Jepun jalan-jalan juga. Jepun jumpa Jenab. Jepun jamah Jenab. Jenab jerit! 'Jangan jamah Jenab!' Jepun jamah juga. Jeneral Jamal jenguk. Jeneral Jamal jerit 'Jangan Jepun,jangan jamah Jenab!' Jepun jelir. Jeng Jeng Jeng~"

Creative isn't it? lol.

What a day for me. At least I made someone laugh the whole day. Oh what the hell, I always say that I'm born mentally distorted. Like d said, "general malfunction". So here's the new name; Short-circuit girl. Thanks d, for the name. I lap you la. You creative.

By your side... ( a dedication for someone special )

Happy 24th Birthday Buns!

I met this guy a long time ago.. If I'm not mistaken it's been 12-14 years. At that time I knew him by his first name only until I really get to know him. Now it's a year plus knowing him in person. I learned a lot from him. I used to write a blog about him.. and now I'm writing for his birthday as a gift of appreciation.

This is the guy whom I was in love with, who now is my companion, my best friend. The person who I would always turn to, who would always break my heart [well, used to] and now would always make me smile. This is the same guy who used to give me butterflies in my stomach whenever I see his name appeared on my caller id. He is the same guy now who made me say, "Thank god he's calling me and not any creep.." whenever my phone rang.

This guy is very unpredictable, vulnerable in a way, unique, intelligent, funny and other beautiful and wonderful words that can describe him. When he reads this he will say that I'm being biased. Truth is I'm not. I can write a whole lots of awful things about him but... I rather not to because this is a dedication to him.

He has this charm like Johnny Depp that attracts his fans all over the world [don't get too flattered d!]. Not only he is different on the outside [he is totally different from the rest of the guy I used to date], but also on the inside. He is the most caring, thoughtful and wonderful guy that I ever met. He never ceased to make me laugh, and he always listened to my trivial problems and would offer me a shoulder to cry on if I needed one [in short, he's always there...]

I'm thankful to have this special relationship with him. He is such a wonderful son. A responsible brother and grandson. Whoever are friends with him, they should be lucky and I am.

I can't afford to buy you gifts nor dinner but this is sincerely from the heart. =)

Happy 24th Birthday Danial Radzmi Roslan. May Allah S.W.T bless you. InsyaAllah.. Have a great day love!


xoxo,
Zara D.

Dreaming of you

I never knew a love
A love that could be sweeter
No matter what my mind says
You're the music that gives me fever
The moment that we danced
Your arms felt like a cradle
And when you took my hand
I was no longer able

It never felt so right before
I need to be with you much more
I can't believe this kind of fate
We can runaway...

I'm always in a spell
even when I'm sleeping
You're always on my mind
I hope that  I'm not dreaming

If I am let me stay asleep
Don't wake me up i feel complete
I never want to feel it end
What a lovely moment

All my dreams come true
When I'm laying next to you
Is that so wrong?

All my dreams come true
While I be there where you are
So I hold on

Is it love?
Dreaming of you...

Mirrors of the Soul (a dedication to my girlfriends)

The depth of a friendship - how much it means to us...
depends, at least in part, upon how many parts of ourselves a
friend sees, shares and validates. - Lillian Rubin

Whenever someone asks how would I best describe my girlfriends, I would say, "Honest, witty, responsible, sarcastic, funny, function from the heart instead of being calculating." Then, I'd just realize that I was describing myself. That is what separates bestfriends and mere acquaintances. Our closest friends mirror who we are.

It is so exciting to find someone similar to ourselves. Remembering those sleepovers and now, sharing a cup of coffee at a hip, overpriced cafe. Laughing together over raspberry sorbet and commiserating bittersweet memories over tea has become one of our most favorite ritual. Being able to share our feelings and knowing that each of us understand whatever joyous or tumultuous journeys we are going through is invaluable. When we share our tears, comforting each other in those moments of vulnerability, the swollen-eyed and red-nosed moments, proves of a loving, trusting friendship.

Even if our lives take unexpected turns and we are separated by time or geography from those women whom we shared our childhood with, we never lose the impact they have had on our lives. I take these girlfriends with me each and everyday, in my memories as well as in the warp and weft of my personality. The pain of separation subsides as I realize these friends are a permanent part of me and my life.

I love you all.
Thank you for everything.

Zara D.

There's a Stranger in My Bed

As he arrived, I smiled. He had suffered half an hour of traveling time, without food and cigarettes since lunch. He parked the car, reached for me and smiled. We walked hand in hand to my sacred place as though we always had, always would.

He moved slowly through the house as though trying to recognize something. He stood next to the door for a very long time. Faded blue jeans, white long sleeve shirt with black stripes untuck, I said to him, "You look like a movie star.." He liked that. I've set our places on the low table in front of the living-room. I handed him a glass of red wine, and we sat on the sofa. He liked that too. And so I had dinner with a stranger.

We're comfortable, uncomfortable. We smile more than we talk. We drank the heel of the red wine. He stood up, held his hand out and I placed mine on his. We walked slowly to my room. He sat next to me, looks me full face, then gently turns my face a bit to the right, holding my chin in his hand. "I'd like to go with you to your bed.." He pronounced those words slowly, clearly, as though he's practiced them.

When he sleeps it's with his cheek against my shoulder, an arm anchoring my waist. I lay awake, stroking his hair. There's a stranger in my bed, I said almost audibly. I press my mouth to the top of his head and remember the first time I met him. Here he sleeps next to me, though a stranger with long, skinny legs. But now I must sleep, too. I never thought I'd be heading for these honeyed arms, I think as I press closer to the stranger...

Stepping stone

I stand by the balcony with a peculiar feeling and spend the night lolling about my little room. My face is burning, and I feel startled, flush up against an emotion I can't name, one eerily like terror but unlike joy. My heart is rusty from the old pinions that hold it shut. I skewed my imaginings towards the grotesque, hoping to avoid later delusion.

The pain of singlehood loneliness still haunts me. But life was round, sweet during those flitting moments when he was holding my hand, whenever he was close enough for me to catch the scent of him. Why is my heart flailing against my chest?

In those solitary evenings by myself, I found finely spun threads, a pattern, my own story. I opened up the kind of memory that feels like a wistful hankering for something lost or something that never was. One more layer of stone, one more layer of pain.

At sunrise I am still awake, sitting there in tremors, emotions tumbling, colliding, an icy free fall from one life into the next.

I've made up my desicion.

Gasp.

i need air to breathe.
i'm suffocating.
my chest is getting tighter.
i feel the world is about to crumble.
my sight is blurry.
i feel light headed.

air.
air.
air.

i need air.

I Knew A Man...

He is that kind of guy when he walks, people would stop and stare.
He is that kind of guy when he talks, people would listen to his every word.
He is that kind of guy when he smiles, people would just smile even though they are down.

I knew that man;
He tells me millions of stories.
He sings me millions of songs.
He writes poetries.

I knew that man;
I'm proud of him.
I'm happy to be with him.
I'm lucky to know him.

I knew that man;
He might never see what I see in him.
He might never know how much I care.
He might never realize I'm always there.

I knew that man....

Secret Pain

i'm living my days with pain
i don't know how long i can stand it.
i know it's been long enough for me to suffer.
i know i won't last long.
i know i'm leaving soon.
i don't know how people would take it.
i'm afraid of the truth;
-- tomorrow is the day i'll know.

if ever i leave the world
i have only few words to say.
i'm sorry and i love you.
there are nothing in this world i want more but happiness;
-- to me and to all.

take care.

Tak Bisa Memiliki

I will always try;
-- to give you the best
But forgive me as my time is only for seconds..

I'm incapable to have and to love you
Even though my heart loves and yearns for you
I don't want to hurt you
Wipe away your tears;
Forget about me...

All I want is your happiness
Living your life...

I write you this..

i write you this to tell my feelings towards you
i write you this to tell the world how happy am i for you
i write you this to tell you that i'm gonna miss you
i write you this to tell you that i'm really hurting
i write you this to tell you that i love you.

will always do.

"in life, you can't always have what you want.."