Sometimes I Wonder

Today, is one of those days that I'm in a loving mode.

I miss that particular someone. He knew I exist but he never knew how I felt.

My head is singing Car Crash Heart's single "Sometimes I Wonder".. It's good song.

and so, I wonder... ;)

Damage Case

We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we have done or that has been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can’t even see. We’re all damaged it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood. Then as grown ups we give as good as we get. Ultimately we all do damage. And then we set about the business of fixing.

Moments of happiness

And so I'm happy.

Happy to have you.
Happy to like you.
Happy to think about you.

Happy happy happy.

The New Me

It's been a month, and a week. I've never thought I could live my life without him by my side. I'm REALLY officially single. I'm actually moving on with my life. After small talk with a good friend of mine, I then remembered "he" existed in my life.

I've totally forgotten about it. I never say I'd want to forget him, as I've never regretted being with him. My prayers came true. HE made it come true.

I'm happier now. I have my bestfriends, my close friends and definitely, my family.

Early Review of 2010

Where shall I start?

2010...

January has been good to me but towards the end of it, starting first week of February, eveything fell apart. My car was filled with water. Well, quarter of it. I was then violated by someone whom I trusted. Days later, I was snatched. One hell of weekend. I was too traumatized until I was too scared to be alone. Thankfully, I have my beloved boyfriend who's there for me. Even my sister too. I shall never forget that. My mind was fucked up. Until now I can't get rid of those visions. The feeling of insecurity. Please be careful my dear friends and readers.

I became very clingy to my sister, my bestfriend and my boyfriend. I don't know how to step up again. After series of unfortunate events, I hope I can be stronger. I'm learning to step up. I hate being alone still. At first, I was all okay. I can chill by myself. Now, I'm bit paranoid. Seconds, God took all my confidence away. I did resent him. But just for that moment. I thought I've lot my faith. I didn't. Thankfully.

Morale of the story, do not trust people though they seems nice, be aware of your surroundings.

Have a pleasant day me readers and friends.

Cheers!

Goodbye Double Standard Friendship

I bought Cleo Magazine this month issue. There's an article about friendship. Made me realized that I do have that DS issue. I tracked back my memories of having a bestfriend and why we stopped talking. Interesting.

Here I am blogging about how I feel inside. I never had the chance to say good bye, I'll do it here then. 

I've been friends with her for the past 15 years. I can't recall how we became close, but we did. I remembered those days whenever we've finished school (primary that is), we'll head back home and continue to talk through endless phone calls rambling about nonsense. We would not miss out calling each other almost every other day. We rarely go out together but we just talk over the phone and meet up at school. As we moved to high school, we still have different set of friends. She'll be with the geniuses and I was with the naughty ones. 

Yet, we have endless conversations over the phone. We didn't go to the same tuition nor same piano classes. We only hang out after the tuition and that depends on each others curfew. I miss those moments. Then we went own our separate ways to college.

We still call each other, updating what happened and all. As always, gossiping, giggling like any other girls. We had our moments, fought with each other. We will always protect each other. I called her my lo-po (in english, my wife/sweetheart). I'd do anything to make her happy, make sure the guys she was and is with could take care of her, guide her because I can't be there 24/7. The only thing I felt so sad was, whenever she's in a relationship, I feel like she doesn't need me anymore because I've never leave her whenever I'm in a relationship. That is me not her. 

I remembered those days when we fought, I felt so lost without her. She was my other half. When we rekindled, we never talk about it until now. I wanted the best for her. If only I could give the world to her.. 

I remembered the day her late boyfriend past away, I wasn't there. I've never felt so bad in my entire life. I was at work and I never ever forgave myself, leaving her side. She was the best friend I might not replace ever. I know I've been such a bad best friend, not just leaving her side when her late boyfriend past away, I've always looked down on her. I thought she would not move on her own unless someone actually pushed her, that she was jobless and just enjoy living on family funds. I always passed remarks how stupid she is for not moving on, doing anything in her life. I thought I was better than her, and guess what, I'm not. 

And here I am, apologizing publicly, not expecting to rekindled our friendship but to let her know that I've always loved and missed her. She balanced me. She was my carefree spirit and I gave her up.

That's why I said I had DS issue. I thought I was better than her. I hope she will do well in her life. I think it'd be easier to leave a 15 years of friendship that has a lot of beautiful moments, I doubt that I'll find someone else to replace her. 

Thank you for the opportunity for making me as your best friend. 

Short story

I loved him.

I have always had.

I still do.

Twenty-Something

Ok, I haven't blog for awhile so please excuse me.

I can't believe in 2 days time I'm gonna be 25 years old. That's quarter century old. Damn! I feel old. I have been sitting down and think a lot lately. Why I've changed so much. Well, I figured it out after talking to a mutual friend of mine. I'm not the same girl like I used to. I hardly go out and I CHOOSE who I wanna go out with. I feel insecure. Funneh.

I have to admit, partly it's because of work. Then the responsibilities are piling up. Damn! Can't I just be 21 again?

These are the worries I've been thinking that made me depressed:-
1. Work - salary issues
2. Household - money issues
3. Parents - money and time issues
4. Relationship - time and past issues
5. Friendship - time, money and past issues.

I think that's about it.

Haha, Having quarter life crisis is very very not interesting. Oh well.

But this is what I'll achieve soon:-
1. Stable job
2. Driving license
3. Car

All insyaAllah by end of the year... :)

Happy Birthday to me in advanced!

I'm not Alone.

I'm blessed.

I have my knight in shining amour to be there for me.

I have my friends who are there for me.

I have my family who are there for me.

I'm thankful.

Scars and Souvenirs

In life, only one thing is certain...apart from death and taxes...no matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You're going to hurt people. You're going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover... There's really only one thing you can say. Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It's good advice, but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us...we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled...old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget.

"Doing things, changes things. By not doing things, leave things the way they were.." - Dr. Gregory House.

Busy Bee

So far, this week has been really good to me. Thumbs up for that. I hope I'm not saying it too soon. I had so much fun and felt good. It's been a while.

I can't wait to start my new work. Got meself new sons. I have Car Crash Hearts and Rashdan Harith on board with me and soon Stonebay. Hmm hmm.. busy? Yes. I was told by my best friend to stay with the old boys until album launching. I haven't think about it. Don't want to yet.

Right now, I'm making plans for them who's with me. I can't wait for the events that I'm gonna work with Sen and Rahul. I need to make myself busy. I can't just sit down and do nothing. Currently, I'm very busy -- twitting.

Tweet me. :)

Heartache Every Moment

Isn't it easy to fall in love? It's easy to fall out of love too. Sometimes, I wonder why do we need love? Why do we search for "the one"? I'm afraid to go into one, but yet, I never fail to feel it. I hate what happened to my sister. Another fail marriage with 3 kids. How wonderful is that?

Then why do God create love when you actually have to fight for it? To appreciate it? I doubt it. To test us in faith? I doubt it. We have the best example ever. MJ, king of pop passed away 3 days ago, it's been awhile not listening to his songs, yet, after he left us, the world mourns for him. Playing his songs. No offence but this is human, you fall out love, you fall in love. Once you've lost the loved ones, then you'll appreciate it.

Why can't we all change? Change it all. Appreciate them while they are there, right in front of you. Have faith in them. Don't stop loving them. But like Shinzu said, " Life is full of shit.. ".

" To tell them you love them while they can hear you.." - quoted in Grey's Anatomy; It's not hard to say those words. I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU. These words mean a lot. Appreciate those people around you. Family, friends, spouse, colleagues and whoever around you.

Stop breaking hearts.

-- Rest in peace Michael Jackson ; 1958 - 2009.

Lovefool

Here I am, falling for a rockstar.

A rockstar who actually find his way to call me. A close friend of mine told me, "Babe, he is into you.. Come on, how many guys would actually go to a public phone and call you to ask how was your day and tell you that his battery died and he is on his way back home to KL?"

How foolish am I to fall for that?

I can't get him out of my head. I'm spinning around.

I'm a lovefool.

I Deny It

How could you ever possibly fall for a stranger? Is it because you can't have that person or it's just true that you have feelings for him/her?

I experienced a weird situation where I have no idea who he is. I do actually. I ONLY know the basics about him. I can't get him out of my head. I wonder...

Sometimes, I wonder whether what he tells me are either true or false. Either it was honesty or a lie. It's hard to read people's mind. Action says louder than words. It's unbelievable. I try not to think about it. It's not rocket science. It's not a math equation. It's a lot harder than it seems.

The thing is, he knows exactly who am I, what I want. Me? I'm complete the opposite. Suddenly, it turns into an obsession to me. To know whether my feelings are completely true or I'm just feeling this way because I can't have him.

I have butterflies in my tummy. It's been a while I haven't had that feelings. Whenever he sits next to me, eying each and every of my movements, listening to every words that blurt out through my lips. Funny isn't it?

Hoping that he would call in the middle of the night. Wishing my wished would come true -- to get an answer. An answer for that question that's been lingering on my mind. Driving me mad.

My best friend said, " It'll pass. This is just a phase. You'll get over it... ". Is it true? Maybe I didn't try harder to forget about it. BUT, yes, there is a but. The more I try to forget about him, the more I'll miss him, I want him.

I want to go to bed. I don't want to think about it, about him. I'll try not to. That's because, does he think about me before he goes to bed? I don't think so. I'm only there for him, when he needs me. I'm just a safety net.

Okay, I think that's it. That's it..

Denying is good. Ignorance is bliss.

Yes, I deny it.

Goodnight.

Safer

I haven't felt this way for such a long time. Content. Relax. Although I'm alone, I feel fine. I'm not depressed.

I am happy -- I can actually smile without faking it.

I feel safe.

A letter for a stranger

Hey there stranger,

Today I drove around, listening to your songs. I felt content. After few weeks left hanging, I got the explaination. I thank you for that. You may say you're less the man I might think you are but you're not. You're man enough to explain to me what was going on and I thank you for that.

You are the first stranger I fell for and you will always be a part for me. Thank you for making me feel special. Though it was nothing much that happened between us, it was few great moments and I thank you for that.

I wished I could help you more, but I think that's all I can do, by leaving.

Take care my dear, it was a pleasure knowing you though it was a brief moment.

Kisses,

Zara Ismail

Sentimientos

I walk by the beach, thinking of why, what went wrong.. I was the one who got played. I understand. I, as usual, will be the rebound. Always fall for selfish bastards.

I thought you would be different. I fell for it. I'm hurt. The more I tried to forget about you, the more you come into my mind. When I finally open up, I got hurt badly.

Goodbye. That's all I could say. Though nothing actually happen between us, I'd like to keep it as a memory in my head, you, as one of those strangers that pass by me.

Goodbye.

25th Birthday Wishlist

I'm turning to quarter century old in 3 months and 2 1/2 weeks. I've accomplished a few I want to do and now, I want these 25 things as my 25th birthday gift.

1. IKEA Cupboard (worth RM 139)
2. Mattress (worth RM 200 and not from IKEA)
3. 25 pairs of shoes (celebrating each year of my life)
4. Shoe racks for those 25 pairs of shoes
5. DVD player (I need a new one. So, if it has no brand, it doesn't matter BUT everyone do know that cheap thing no good, good thing no cheap)
6. Watch (Not for the wall. Wrist watch? Yes. I need one)
7. Purse (Been using it since 2005)
8. Spa treatment (I need to relax)
9. Dozen of light bulbs for my bed lamp (You need to see me and request the sample)
10. Washer machine (The old one is broken)
11. Laptop battery (Since no one can get me a Macbook 13", so I decided to use the 3 years old lappy of mine and the model is - ACER Aspire 5500Z)
12. External Hard drive (been living on thumb drives and email to store, so pathetic isn't it?)
13. Coat rack (not to hang coats but handbags because I have loads of them and no where to store it)
14. Maid that cleans the house once or twice a week
    
15. Dressing table (from IKEA as well)
16. Gym instructor or at least someone to motivate me to work out
17. A pair of jeans (seriously, I just want Levi's 501 or just from BLOOK)
18. HIM old cds since I lost 2 of it (not the latest album, just the 1st and 2nd album)
19. Internet camera (is that what you call it?)
20. Original anti-virus because I don't have any (the 3 years would do enough for me)
21. Printer (simple black and white would be enough as well)
22. Speaker or sound system for my lappy (urm, since Altec Lansing is expensive, I'll go for Sonic Gear)
23. Hangers for my clothes (can get them from Tesco, Giant, Carrefour, KK Mart, etc)
24. Beautiful Life dvds (the very first japanese series that was on telly. Takuya Kimura was the main cast. Been looking for that)
25. Last but not least, a pair of new glasses. I've been using this for 2 years, without changing the lenses.
    

Ok, that's it for now. I've decided. It will change year by year. But this is it. Just these things.

for the love of god

I hate this getaway.

I don't really enjoy it.

I don't feel home.

Foolish Games

Sitting at the cafe, sipping a cup of tea. (Well that's what people do when they are heartbroken/worry/stress or maybe not people just the English). Thinking of days to come. Worried about my future. Thinking to a step slowly at a time. Without him.

I wish I can be as strong as my old friend. She lost someone she loves. Died. At least he is still breathing. But it's too painful.

I made a promise to thyself, I shall be alone.

No more games. No more serial datings after breaking up. I need to feel the loneliness. I need to channel the love to myself and the people around me who loves me for who I am. No more games.

The Good Old Days

Today is such a great day. I finally had my girls night out. I miss it. I miss them. :)

Alone with loneliness

I'm sitting here,
Thinking bout,
How I'm gonna do without,
You around in my life,
And how am I gonna get by,
Ain't got no days,
Just lonely nights,
If you want the truth,
Well boy I'm not alright,
Feel out of place,
And out of time,
I think I'm gonna lose my mind

I miss your face,
I miss your kiss,
I even miss the arguments,
That we would have,
From time to time,
I miss you standing by my side,
I'm dying here,
It's clear to see,
There ain't no you, God knows there ain't no me,
Don't wanna live,
I wanna die,
If I can't have you in my life

So tell me how you feel
-- I'm lonely
Are you for real?
-- So lonely
Do you still think of me?
-- I think of you
Do you dream of me at night?
-- Like I dream you all the time

Oh let me tell you how it feels
-- It's like everyday I die
Wish I was dreaming but it's real
-- When I open up my eyes
Oh let me tell you how it feels
-- And don't see your face
I think that I will never love again

Don't Wanna Try

They hurt so bad that they ended our relationship
how I wish things would of happened so differently
I tried to save it so many times but you still couldn't see
Had to wake up face reality

Everything we had.. is just down the drain.
All those memories..
I wish I could erase it.

Love You Til The End

I just want to see you
When you're all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I can't escape
I love you 'till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You don't want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why don't you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you 'till the end

I just want to be there
When we're caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
I'm lost for words don't tell me
All I can say
I love you 'till the end

Thinking of You

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection

You said move on
But where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know..

How do I get better
Once I've had the best?

You're the best,
I'm thinking of you..
Thinking of you..
What would you do if
You were the one who was spending the night
I wish I was looking into your eyes

Won't you walk through
and bust in the door
and take me away
No more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay..

What Hurts The Most

How strong am I?

It's been awhile. I know I've been very quiet, very reserved. I just want to be alone right now. I'm just like a zombie. I haven't slept for 4 days. I don't go out. I hate these feelings. Feeling of emptiness. There's a big void. Knowing he's not around anymore, making it harder for me.

I just felt like my right leg is chopped off. I haven't done anything stupid because I made a promise to him and myself. I don't remember moving on is this hard. Very very hard. I felt like, losing a dead lover is easier compared to know he's alive and bound to bump into. I hate this. All the familiar faces. All those places, reminds me so much of him. I can't even sleep in my own room. I just sit down and cry my eyes out. I don't care anymore how hurt it is. As long as I can get this pain go away. Far far away.

I kept on staring at the phone everyday, hoping for a miracle. To take this pain away. I've been thinking, leaving is the best way. BUT running away doesn't do me any good. Only coward will runaway.

i don't know. I can't think clearly anymore. At times, I think, doesn't he misses me at all.. I know it's best for both him and I.. I'm just not ready. Losing him at this time. BUT if not now, when? Definitely do not want to go on and on same old thing. I hate this.

Part of me loves him a lot. I want him around. I need him around. I have lots of people to support me but it's not the same having him around. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

Time is too slow. I'm doing my best to keep myself busy. As much as I want to drop everything and cry everyday, I can't. I just want this pain to go away. Just go.

When You're Gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you..

- Avril Lavigne

Close to the Flame

The kiss - sweetest
And touch - so warm
The smile - kindest
In this world - so cold and strong

The arms - safest
And words - so good
The faith - deepest
In this world - so cold and cruel

So close to the flame
Burning brightly
It won't fade away and leave us lonely 

- Ville Valo

Luka dihati..

Angin yang bertiup dengan kencang,
seperti perasaan memberontakku ini..
Memberontak kerana kesedihan...
Memberontak kerana kesunyian...
Memberontak kerana keseorangan...

Hatiku luka.

Hujan yang membasahi bumi,
seperti air mataku yang membasahi pipi..
Menangis kerana kesedihan...
Menangis kerana kesunyian...
Menangis kerana keseorangan...

Hatiku luka.

Aku tak mampu lagi menutup kesayuan ini,
Aku kesepian.
Aku tak mampu lagi menyelidung keperitan ini,
Aku kesedihan.

Hatiku luka.

All over again

It's just one of those days, after a long time not arguing. Small matter turned into a big thing. I just understand it. Today you're okay, and the day after you're not. I've tried so hard not to bother, demand things that I know I won't get it, what else do you want? I even have to find entertainment outside so I won't bother you. Aren't you grateful enough? What is it this time? The last time you've change is because of her. NOW?

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of getting attention from other people. I'm tired of these nonsense. I'm already unhappy. Tried to be. Pretending to be. Denying the facts.

I'm doing my best to change. I can't do it all alone. Stop being this way. Just stop.