Secret Episode

We had our moments.

That's about it.

So close BUT yet so far...

Bite Me

It's been awhile. Been busy with work. It's great, not that I'm complaining. I've never been happier compared now. I love my life right now. Doing more or less the things I've been wanting to do -- events; with a bonus -- music. Passion.

I'm just lucky. Thankful to God. Thankful to my parents who never stop praying for me. I had a conversation with someone who I barely know. Told me that heard rumors bout me; snobbish, arrogant. What if I am? I am living a whole new life.

I do remember where I come from. Oh, well. Some people..

As far as I'm concern, I never leave anyone behind. Correct me if I'm wrong. All I want is to live my dream, and it'll come. 5 years from now, RSG Events, insyaAllah, will be one of them. That's a promise to thyself.

" Do you know how to rest and chill ? "

Making Memories

Friday night's such a beautiful night
Where you going?
I didn't mean to blow it
You're upset and I don't know what I said
But I'm sorry
Don't you give up on me?

Don't pretend you're not smiling again
Let's just leave it
You know I didn't mean it
Don't know why we put up such a fight
Over nothing
When we could still be something

Take off your jacket
Don't walk out that door
There's no need to leave anymore

Can't do this myself
No, I need some help
We all need some help

You and me
We should be
Making a memory whenever we're together
Look at me
Can't you see
We were meant to be
Making a memory

When Love and Death Embrace

Today I create a drama. Unnecessary drama. Bringing up small matter. Making it as a huge deal, like its the end of the world. I mixed everything up. I made him leave. Not picking up the phone, not replying any of my messages. I want to leave everything. I hate the way it is. We are already drifted apart. We're still denying. I'm not myself lately. I can't think through. I hate myself when I look at myself in the mirror. I feel like smashing the mirror. Peel my skin off. Pull my hair. Blind myself. I hate the way I am. 

I'm sorry. Will you still love me...?

Die,Kitty Die!

Why is it so hard to forget someone? Why is it so hard to stay mad at someone for quite some time? I want to do that. Unfortunately, my characteristic is not like that. I kept on forgiving them, and move on. I kept on, sweeping it under the carpet. Why can't I be selfish? I want to be one of them who always think about themselves. Hurting and saying those cruel words. Everytime I'm angry, I tend to take a deep breath and smile.

Why would he bother? Like he said, he doesn't have obligations and responsibilities at all. Selfish? Yes. Never seems to care about anyone except for himself. No wait, I'll give him credits to acknowledge about the world and other people but not me.

I've been so upset with him for god knows how long but everytime I try to say it, I just thought to myself, "What the hell for? Wasting time only. Better cherish what we have." Funny right?

I always think about the good thing about him, but he sees my bad traits most of the time. I'd find time for him in my busy schedules. I'd make time and find my way to be with him. I'd cancel my meetings for him. Him?

The only way for me to release my anger is to go out with those people. But come to think of it, like he cares. What if I sleep with another guy? I'm not his girlfriend like he claims but he said, "I'll leave." It's been 2 goddamn years. I'm trying to improve but he never change. Not that I asked him to. I accept him for who he is. He always want me to change.

I let my guard down. I said sorry when I'm tired of saying it. I want to scream out loud, "DIE KITTY DIE!!!!"


I agree on what my best bud said;
fareisha says (11:54 AM): im starting to think men are complete and i mean COMPLETE in its whole sense - IDIOTS.

fareisha says (11:54 AM): serious shit ok!

Lover's Dead Lane

It's been 2 days here.. I'm going home soon. Can't believe I took another road trip to find peace. Thank god it's over between me and him. The argument. I feel better now. Penang is lovely. Celebrating Valentine's all alone. Cruising around the island. Not as beautiful as Langkawi but in a way, I found my 2nd home. Close enough though...Didn't get a chance to take photos as I forgot to bring my camera along. I wish I don't have to go back, but hey, reality check, I got bills to pay. Another place for me to throw away all my sadness. Coming back to Penang next week for Bunkface's gig. Can't wait. Wish I could bring him along...

Silent Valentine's

Here I am, by the beach... trying to paint my sadness. It's back to square one how I felt. Whatever I did, it wasn't enough, was never good to his eyes. Strolling by the beach alone. Wishing and praying things would change. Seems he never bother. Is it the end? I have no clue.. I miss every moments. All those happiness... Who am I to you...?

fix the problem, not the blame...

Who For You

If I could paint a sad goodbye;
I’d paint your eyes a clear blue sky.
Pluck you grace from a pale faced moon
And slumber down this tattered room.

If I could find an amber train;
Lord I’d ride it to the bitter end.
Passing hope in the summer bloom;
Passing dreams and a fading tune.

If I should stray amid crimson rose…
Whither angels on wings of gold?
Who for flowers in the month of May?
Who for you on your winter’s day?
Who for flowers in the months of May?
Who for you?

I love this song..Soundtrack from Gubra. Pete sang it beautifully..My new lullaby.. :)

Passing Dreams with Tears...

I kept on wondering, what's life gonna be in few years time. I'm 25 this year. I have nothing except my pride. Most of my schoolmates and cousins are married. Both, my elder siblings have each 3 kids of their own. One is almost happy with his life and the other left to UMRAH to find peace after few years of rocking marriage. Me? 

Still with the same person. Dare not to change a single bit. Last 2 days went to Jalan Tandang with him for a drink. We talked almost about everything. I enjoyed my times with him. It's been 2 years. Love for him hasn't fade. I guess for now...

Funny when people never understood our situation. Every girl dreams a beautiful wedding or life with their loved one. But me, I don't. I'm too afraid. I know he doesn't have the same feelings towards me. But I still stay. Knowing he loves someone else, I still stay. Stupid? No. Comfort zone? No. If I could find the other answers for it why, I'd stated it out here. For now, I know it's LOVE.

When I reached home, I'd still feel lonely. Felt like I've lost him. Again. 

Nothing's change.

Kekwat Gitu.

"Kenapa dengan Bunkface tu?

BUKAN sekali tetapi dah banyak kali Papa mendengar rungutan tentang band indie yang sedang meningkat naik nama mereka sekarang.

Siapa lagi kalau bukan Bunkface yang sedang top dengan lagu Situasi tu. Amboi, hebat mereka kan? Lagu Situasi tu pun dah berjaya menjuarai beberapa carta radio popular di negara ini.

Tetapi, yang tak sedapnya, sedang asyik diulit dengan populariti, rupanya Papa dengar cerita kumpulan Bunkface ni dikatakan berlagak sampaikan tidak mahu membuat sesi fotografi ataupun ditemu ramah oleh media.

Kawan Papa yang cantik jelita bermata kuyu pun rupanya pernah terkena dan apa yang membuatkan kawan Papa ni naik hantu apabila pengurus Bunkface yang bernama Zara memang sombong dalam memberikan jawapannya.

“Minta maaflah ya. Kami tidak akan buat sesi fotografi dengan mana-mana media sebab kami hanya mahu menumpukan perhatian kepada promosi album dan lagu sahaja. Bunkface tiada masa untuk sesi fotografi kerana terlalu sibuk,” kata Zara kepada kawan Papa tadi dalam nada yang cukup menyakitkan hati.

Agaknya Zara baru lagi kot jadi pengurus dan tidak faham selok-belok dunia artis ni? Bukankah sesi fotografi itu juga sebahagian daripada promosi untuk Bunkface.

Helo, artis lama dan senior pun masih lagi sudi nak buat sesi fotografi dengan akhbar dan majalah sebab mereka tahu itu adalah promosi untuk mereka.

Tidak mengapalah. Mungkin Bunkface dan pengurusnya tidak memerlukan media untuk membantu mereka kerana ada cara promosi mereka yang tersendiri.

Kalau lepas ni ada apa-apa yang terjadi, jangan nak salahkan wartawan pula sebab tidak memberi sokongan dan publisiti."

Sometimes, I just don't understand some people. Just trying to provoke me. Alhamdulillah, I handle it well. It's just another challenge for me working in this industry. Oh, well.. Pepatah melayu kita - " Tak kenal, maka tak cinta."

Maharani

Mereka kata ku gila
Lagilah aku suka
Otakku geliga
Fikiran luar biasa

Mereka kata ku samseng
Tapi ku tak ambil pusing
Pedulikan semua
Fikir apa yang penting

Semua tuduhan
Fitnah belaka
Ada yang suka
Juga ada yang benci
Biar peluru menembus kulitku
Suatu yang pasti kekal abadi

Jangan percaya kata mereka
- Maharani, Butterfingers.

This is for the people out there. Don't judge a book by its cover.

Zara Ismail.

Brave New World

Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January.Our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of New Year resolutions.Put your past behind you and start over. It’s hard to resist the chance of a new beginning. A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not a day on a calendar. Not a birthday, not a new year. It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope.A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But it’s also important to remember that amid all the crap, there are a few things really worth holding on to.

It's been awhile. I've been busy. Not dead. Still breathing.

Tasks:-

• Managing Bunkface - shows back to back (been a crazy month for me)
• Running events at Lepaq (finally quits and 26th Dec 08 was my last gig)
• Running my own company (finally registered and doing a few projects with my partner, Meor Ezarim)
• Spending time with my bestfriend, Atie and my dearest sister, Nelly (both going through hard time)
• Saving my "companionship" (in a way, since both him and I are busy, we hardly spend time together and mostly it's about work and I totally forgot how does it feels)

By today, midnight, it's 2009. I don't really have a long list for resolutions, but I do know what I want.

Goals:-

• Making sure my babies, hence, Bunkface, grow to the next level - Sunburst KL, Melbourne, Singapore, Indonesia.
• My company ; READY STEADY GO EVENTS, do lots of events 
• Malaysian Festival in Melbourne - 3rd October 2009 (gift for my 25th birthday)
• Still breathing
• Happy with him

It's gonna be a brave new world out there for me. InsyaAllah. I've been waiting for these moments. InsyaAllah, I'm gonna make it through.. 

Happy New Year folks! May all your dreams come true.. I do.

Welcome 2009, Goodbye 2008.

Zara Ismail

Our Bliss

Passionate,sensual and divine,
Soft touching of fingertips.
Finger painting my body.
Join by stroking tender lips.

The bare skin heats up,
Building passion with no rush.
Taking time to concentrate,
Your lips are now your brush.

Slow passionate sweeping strokes,
Fingers and lips trace every spot.
Teasing touches here and there,
Heat rising with passions hot.

Almost breathless neath your lips,
Your body I gently squeeze.
Turn to you with my wet brush,
With my lips I begin to tease.

I liberally stroke your skin,
Pausing to share a tender kiss.
As we both continue painting,
In passionate and sensual bliss.

Wherever I Go

Wherever I go, I take you with me,
‘Cause I don’t want to see you leave.
Whenever I go, you stay with me,
They won’t see you leave.
Are you here with me?
I want you here with me
Whenever I turn, you are gone from me.
And I won’t see you leave.
Wherever I go, your shadow follows me
I don’t want to see you leave.
Are you here with me?
I want you here with me.
You are here with me.
And I am here with you.
You are here with me.
And I am here with you

You never left

When everything's colour runs dry and the beautiful things
Don't seem as beautiful anymore
I know it's time to find you again
Amongst all the things you have given me.

When I lose the will the use the smile you gave me
and when the silence is just too unbearable,
I know it's time to unbury your words
From the deepest parts of my soul.

When I can't feel anything
When I can't speak
When I can't see you
I just need to remind myself that you're always there

That which fills all of the would-be emptiness
In my paper heart.
A perfect key fitting into a broken
And lonely padlock.

It's just that I missed you for so long,
Even if you never left.

Sexpert Extraordinaire!

I was so boring at home, I decided, "Hey, I think I wanna do quizes!". So, I did. After one another from friendship to relationship quizes and then... Jeng Jeng Jeng~ My eyes glued at the monitor. I was hooked. Written - 'Are you sexpert enough?'. Here's the result.

Go on, gloat -- you deserve it! Game to try anything once, gregarious and confident in bed, you've not only got few inhibitions and a high sex drive, but you're as sensitive to your lover's needs as you are to your own (and more than capable of satisfying both).

Your huge appetite for hedonistic pleasures attracts swarms of partners. Match up with an equally skilled lover who's as adventurous, imaginative and nonjudgmental as you are and erotic, earth-moving encounters happen daily.

You leave your lovers with a sloppy grin on their faces, and your exes not only still find you excruciatingly attractive, they like you heaps because you're as good at relationships as you are at sex. You give as much as you take; you masturbate both with and without your partner; and you aren't afraid to speak up in bed, encouraging your lovers to do the same. Flexible and gloriously liberated, you'll try anything once trust develops. Go straight to the head of the class!

Ehem.

Grin + Winks.

Enough said.

There He Goes...

He left me.
Without a word, he turns away.

He broke my heart into million pieces.
Without noticing it.

He left me clueless.
Without telling me his true feelings.

Rainbows & Butterflies...

"Thanks for the memories..."

Situasi

There's one day, a very good friend of mine buzz me up on ym;

nuril anwar: zara, ada band nak cari manager la. zara nak tak?
zara322_g: ye ke? band apa? zara ok je la la la la~
nuril anwar: ok ok nanti nuril kasi no
zara zara322_g: oh ok ok.. haha yang tade experience nie jadi band manager.. hahaha
nuril anwar: hahhaa try jeeeee

Later on, I got a call from this dude, Ijam, calling me while I just woke up explaining to me about
the band. I then sms him, 'Can you please sms me the name of the band again?'. He replied, ' www.myspace.com/bunkface '. My eyes stop blinking. 'Bunkface?', I mentioned it a couple of times and then I straight away called Shinzu, "Bunny! omg omg omg, I might be Bunkface manager!". "You're serious?!", that's all he asked. "Yes! I can't believe it, we went to Laundry a couple of weeks ago and watched them..", "Bagus la tu..".

There you go, after a meeting, went to watch them performed at MCPA hall on 2nd November 2008, I knew, good thing will come.

My very first trip with them was to X-gig at Ipoh, Perak. I was damn nervous. I cried calling my best friend that I wanted to see her before I left and it's only for 2 nights. I had a fight with my bunny, because I wanted to talk to him as well. I left without saying goodbye.

Where X-gig is held

the band is interviewed by Shaz @ X.fm

During my journey, I can't believe that I'm actually leaving town with strangers. Worried I might not get along very well. Truth is, I did. I had so much fun there. I made new friends. The Tyre burst during the 3 hours journey. It was at km288.3 and I won't ever ever forget that. I was even called " hot "mum" ". I shall not name, name. Haha. I had 16 "children" to be taken cared. I remember how cute they all were.. I had to hold an umbrella to make them go to bed. Wake them up early and make sure they get breakfast and go to "school" (sound check) early. Fun.

Ijam "fixing" the Tyre

I shall not forget this.

crazy frigging awesome crowd!

with my "children"

with the X.fm crews and few of my "children"
(Bunkface and friends/entourage)

Lata Kijang, Perak

On the way back, we stopped at Lata Kijang, Perak. Beautiful. I walked all the way up to get nice shots. Wished I had a DSLR. Wished I knew how to use it as well. Tee Hee Hee. It was one of the best trips I had after a long time. Last I remembered it was to Port Dickson with my bunny and friends and that was few months ago.

Now, I'm at home. Sick. Boo Hoo Hoo.

I miss my bunny.

I miss my bestie.

I want my mommy.

Terima Kasih Cinta

Tersadar di dalam sepiku
Setelah jauh melangkah
Cahaya kasihmu menuntunku
Kembali dalam dekap tanganmu

Terima kasih cinta untuk segalanya
Kau berikan lagi kesempatan itu
Tak akan terulang lagi
Semua kesalahanku yang pernah menyakitimu

Tanpamu tiada berarti
Tak mampu lagi berdiri
Cahaya kasihmu menuntunku
Kembali dalam dekap tanganmu

Terima kasih cinta untuk segalanya
Kau berikan lagi kesempatan itu
Tak akan terulang lagi
Semua kesalahanku yang pernah menyakitimu

Maybe Baby

Some people may find it funny when you're going away for 2 days where the place only takes up 2 hours of driving and you tell them you're scared and nervous at the same time. I felt that. I even cried to my best friend telling her I feel so sad leaving her behind. Not just her, my partner as well. But he's upset about me calling him so many times within an hour or two. maybe I've done that in the past to check on him. but now, I'm calling him just to talk to him before leaving. He may not understand it. He said he knew that he means a lot me but at one point while talking to him, he makes me think that he doesn't know it.

I just wanted to say goodbye, maybe not forever. Hopefully. Nauzubillah.

I just wanted to say that I love you, though I've told you so many times. I don't want it to be too late.

Maybe I'm having my pms. maybe it's just my nervous and scared feelings because I'm going away with some people that I barely know. Maybe. I don't know. I hope my journey will be ok and everything will be normal when I get back. Hopefully..

Like I said, I love you both. forever.

You are mine...

danial & me

reciting "Lestat, My Dark Angel"

reciting "You Left Me A Melody"

I was so nervous that I gulped quarter of my friend's beer. It was my very first recital. I've invited a few poets. Obviously they are good. That made me more nervous. Most of my friends were there. The most importantly, my partner and my bestfriend were there. I recited what I wrote for them. I had my very good friend, Rendra Zawawi to strum the guitar while I read "You Left Me A Melody". I then read, "You Are Mine", dedicated to my bestfriend of 15 years. The funniest part, I cried instead of her. Haha.. I love you both. You guys are important to me. Never ever forget that. Without you, there's no me...

Friendship

What is friendship? This is what I get from Wikipedia (I'm a lazy bum so I search online; easier.)

Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more beings. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them.

So here I am, sitting, wondering, what actually went wrong with my "close" friends. I do know friends come and go through stages. There are friends from your childhood, kindergarten, primary school, high school, college, work and some others, you got to know them through other people.

me with Arwah Shai/"madu"

I went through all those stages. I've gained and lost lots of them. Just recently, I lost another one.. He was my best friend's boyfriend of 4 years. I called him my "madu". That's because I gotta share her with him.. He has always been a good guy and at times, yes he can be a jerk but most of the time, he did take care of me as well. He passed away last 2 weeks, motorbike accident. A tragic one. I never got a chance to say goodbye to him. The last 4 years, they were together, I was with them. I saw their ups and downs, we actually shared it together. I remembered the 1st time they were together, how they got together, in a way, I help them as well. I gave my best friend's number to him. But I wasn't there for my best friend, before his last breath. I never got a chance to say goodbye.

It reminded me, another close friend of mine who passed away 4 years ago. She was my schoolmate. We sat together in class. After highschool, we went our separate ways and I got really busy and before she passed away, she did try to call me, and like what had happened, I never got a chance to say goodbye.

I still have few close friends, but this particular someone, who's actually pissed at me quietly. Until now she's not talking to me, for I know nothing about it. If I've never say this before to you, here I am, thanking you for what you've done to me, been there for and with me, thank you so much. You're still very dear to me. Maybe work got in between us. But whatever it is, I really appreciate you. The very 1st time I knew you until now. I'm sorry if I ever done or say wrongly to you. Oh, hell. it's friendship.

For the readers, don't you ever take your own sweet time to tell your friends that you love them. Thank them. Don't wait for any occasion. It might be too late. I've never felt so sad until now. Even now I'm crying thinking what I've not do or say to them..This is such a painful lesson in life..



Rest in peace my good friends, Shaiful Hannan (1985-2008) & Vicky Andayani (1984-2004) Al-Fatihah...

Broken Heart

Dan bila kau menghilang
Musnah lah, musnah impian
tuk menggapai bintang
terangi hidup ku
Ku mahu kau tahu
engkaulah, destinasiku
dalam ingatanku - Situasi

Of Rainbow & Us

Give me a smile
When I'm down down down
Give me your touch
When I'm all alone

She brings back those days
Of rainbows and us

Share me your rainbow today
Share me your rainbow tonight
I'll be waiting I'll be waiting I'll be waiting
To smile with you

Lend me your smile
When you're down down down
Lend me your touch
When you're all alone

She brings back those days
Of rainbows and us

Share me your rainstorm today
Share me your rainstorm tonight
I'll be waiting I'll be waiting I'll be waiting
To cry with you

*It's so sweet of you to write this song, and to hear you sing, I'm touched. Thank you.*

Kehadapan bintang jatuh...

It hasn't been a really great week for me though I had lots of fun. It's just letting the time pass by. Today was one of those days that I really had it. I never walk away from someone and today I did it. I was so frustrated and pissed.

There I was, on that space. He wrote it beautifully. Tears of happiness and sadness flowed, streaming down my cheek. Funny how it is, but I never want it to end... Never.

The beauty of what we have lies in the uncertainty of what to come. The beauty of us can be found in undecipherable puzzles with vague questions and impossible answers. We are young, foolish and confused. There is no other time in life that can ever be both the best and worst as now. What we have is beautiful and sad, because at any moment, we can lose each other. And that is why it is beautiful, and sad. Because it is so fleeting, so fragile, so uncertain. But despite everything, here we are, looking at your most beautiful photograph, side by side, smiling. And that is all that matters. Today. Now. This moment is all that matters.

"And all the chances that we take,
For years and years,
We'll have this place,
They were always for you,
Always for you"

Hush

Don't you make a sound,
Nobody can hear you,
Just listen to me
Listen for one last time...

Excuse me,
But use me again,
Confuse me, like you always do
And let me feel the pain,
I am always there

Are you happy now?
Have you had your fun?
Maybe it's time to stop
Maybe it's time to runaway

Spinning round and round
Try to fix you when you're down
You just, Pushed me away
Fallen to the ground
No one else to help me up
You just, crushed my heart today!

written by Nick Davis

*one of my ultimate fav now. it's exactly what i'm going through..*

Lestat, My Dark Angel..

Bear me no ill, my love..
We are now even.
What died was the last breath of me...
The world is a tomb for me;
A graveyard full of broken statues;
-- And each of those,
resembled your face.

I walk the streets,
savoring long lost memories.
I caught the sense of death;
It wasn't coming from the graves.

I haven't wept enough;
For what you've done to me.
Oh god,
I love you still.
That's the torment of it.
Who'll care for me, my love..
My dark angel, when you are gone..?

Someone You Used To Know

It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
that it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
our love is lost, and we cant figure why
maybe it really is about time
that we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
i hope that when you find someone new
that she would always be true to you
to love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then i would slowly be
a distant memory

*Soon i'll just be
that someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
i hope you'll find your intended
But i'm sorry
that your intended isn't me

it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
i know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me

i admit i made mistakes
but darling with you it's just the same
if we stay there will be more to make
i dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
to stay with something no longer there
but it doesn't mean i no longer care
but i'd feel like a burden you can't bear

*Copyright 2008*
*KokoKaina*

Acoustic Raya @ Lepaq Cafe

Lepaq Performing Arts Cafe is hosting an acoustic showcase especially for this month's Aidilfitri celebrations. Lepaq Cafe believes that our modestly sized venue is no hindrace to hold an acoustic gig with a line up as long as a mini Rock The World concert.

Starting from 6.00pm till late, over 20 performers will grace the stage and knock your pants off. With a rojak variety of singer songwriters, bands, a few songbirds and an acapella group, it would surely be an unforgettable night at Lepaq Cafe.

We will be selling our super finger licking good lemang and rendang. Come with an empty stomach and fill it up with our specially homemade Raya food! We only get to have lemang and rendang for a month in a year. Before this month ends, make the most out of it!

Kokokaina will be performing at Acoustic Raya @ Lepaq!

Also, Rendra Zawawi and Izzy Mohamed will be selling their EPs there! Be sure to bring some spare cash ;)

Acoustic Raya @ Lepaq is proudly supported by Don't Panic Malaysia.