Goodbye Double Standard Friendship

I bought Cleo Magazine this month issue. There's an article about friendship. Made me realized that I do have that DS issue. I tracked back my memories of having a bestfriend and why we stopped talking. Interesting.

Here I am blogging about how I feel inside. I never had the chance to say good bye, I'll do it here then. 

I've been friends with her for the past 15 years. I can't recall how we became close, but we did. I remembered those days whenever we've finished school (primary that is), we'll head back home and continue to talk through endless phone calls rambling about nonsense. We would not miss out calling each other almost every other day. We rarely go out together but we just talk over the phone and meet up at school. As we moved to high school, we still have different set of friends. She'll be with the geniuses and I was with the naughty ones. 

Yet, we have endless conversations over the phone. We didn't go to the same tuition nor same piano classes. We only hang out after the tuition and that depends on each others curfew. I miss those moments. Then we went own our separate ways to college.

We still call each other, updating what happened and all. As always, gossiping, giggling like any other girls. We had our moments, fought with each other. We will always protect each other. I called her my lo-po (in english, my wife/sweetheart). I'd do anything to make her happy, make sure the guys she was and is with could take care of her, guide her because I can't be there 24/7. The only thing I felt so sad was, whenever she's in a relationship, I feel like she doesn't need me anymore because I've never leave her whenever I'm in a relationship. That is me not her. 

I remembered those days when we fought, I felt so lost without her. She was my other half. When we rekindled, we never talk about it until now. I wanted the best for her. If only I could give the world to her.. 

I remembered the day her late boyfriend past away, I wasn't there. I've never felt so bad in my entire life. I was at work and I never ever forgave myself, leaving her side. She was the best friend I might not replace ever. I know I've been such a bad best friend, not just leaving her side when her late boyfriend past away, I've always looked down on her. I thought she would not move on her own unless someone actually pushed her, that she was jobless and just enjoy living on family funds. I always passed remarks how stupid she is for not moving on, doing anything in her life. I thought I was better than her, and guess what, I'm not. 

And here I am, apologizing publicly, not expecting to rekindled our friendship but to let her know that I've always loved and missed her. She balanced me. She was my carefree spirit and I gave her up.

That's why I said I had DS issue. I thought I was better than her. I hope she will do well in her life. I think it'd be easier to leave a 15 years of friendship that has a lot of beautiful moments, I doubt that I'll find someone else to replace her. 

Thank you for the opportunity for making me as your best friend. 

Short story

I loved him.

I have always had.

I still do.

Twenty-Something

Ok, I haven't blog for awhile so please excuse me.

I can't believe in 2 days time I'm gonna be 25 years old. That's quarter century old. Damn! I feel old. I have been sitting down and think a lot lately. Why I've changed so much. Well, I figured it out after talking to a mutual friend of mine. I'm not the same girl like I used to. I hardly go out and I CHOOSE who I wanna go out with. I feel insecure. Funneh.

I have to admit, partly it's because of work. Then the responsibilities are piling up. Damn! Can't I just be 21 again?

These are the worries I've been thinking that made me depressed:-
1. Work - salary issues
2. Household - money issues
3. Parents - money and time issues
4. Relationship - time and past issues
5. Friendship - time, money and past issues.

I think that's about it.

Haha, Having quarter life crisis is very very not interesting. Oh well.

But this is what I'll achieve soon:-
1. Stable job
2. Driving license
3. Car

All insyaAllah by end of the year... :)

Happy Birthday to me in advanced!

I'm not Alone.

I'm blessed.

I have my knight in shining amour to be there for me.

I have my friends who are there for me.

I have my family who are there for me.

I'm thankful.

Scars and Souvenirs

In life, only one thing is certain...apart from death and taxes...no matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You're going to hurt people. You're going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover... There's really only one thing you can say. Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It's good advice, but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us...we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled...old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget.

"Doing things, changes things. By not doing things, leave things the way they were.." - Dr. Gregory House.

Busy Bee

So far, this week has been really good to me. Thumbs up for that. I hope I'm not saying it too soon. I had so much fun and felt good. It's been a while.

I can't wait to start my new work. Got meself new sons. I have Car Crash Hearts and Rashdan Harith on board with me and soon Stonebay. Hmm hmm.. busy? Yes. I was told by my best friend to stay with the old boys until album launching. I haven't think about it. Don't want to yet.

Right now, I'm making plans for them who's with me. I can't wait for the events that I'm gonna work with Sen and Rahul. I need to make myself busy. I can't just sit down and do nothing. Currently, I'm very busy -- twitting.

Tweet me. :)

Heartache Every Moment

Isn't it easy to fall in love? It's easy to fall out of love too. Sometimes, I wonder why do we need love? Why do we search for "the one"? I'm afraid to go into one, but yet, I never fail to feel it. I hate what happened to my sister. Another fail marriage with 3 kids. How wonderful is that?

Then why do God create love when you actually have to fight for it? To appreciate it? I doubt it. To test us in faith? I doubt it. We have the best example ever. MJ, king of pop passed away 3 days ago, it's been awhile not listening to his songs, yet, after he left us, the world mourns for him. Playing his songs. No offence but this is human, you fall out love, you fall in love. Once you've lost the loved ones, then you'll appreciate it.

Why can't we all change? Change it all. Appreciate them while they are there, right in front of you. Have faith in them. Don't stop loving them. But like Shinzu said, " Life is full of shit.. ".

" To tell them you love them while they can hear you.." - quoted in Grey's Anatomy; It's not hard to say those words. I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU. These words mean a lot. Appreciate those people around you. Family, friends, spouse, colleagues and whoever around you.

Stop breaking hearts.

-- Rest in peace Michael Jackson ; 1958 - 2009.

Lovefool

Here I am, falling for a rockstar.

A rockstar who actually find his way to call me. A close friend of mine told me, "Babe, he is into you.. Come on, how many guys would actually go to a public phone and call you to ask how was your day and tell you that his battery died and he is on his way back home to KL?"

How foolish am I to fall for that?

I can't get him out of my head. I'm spinning around.

I'm a lovefool.

I Deny It

How could you ever possibly fall for a stranger? Is it because you can't have that person or it's just true that you have feelings for him/her?

I experienced a weird situation where I have no idea who he is. I do actually. I ONLY know the basics about him. I can't get him out of my head. I wonder...

Sometimes, I wonder whether what he tells me are either true or false. Either it was honesty or a lie. It's hard to read people's mind. Action says louder than words. It's unbelievable. I try not to think about it. It's not rocket science. It's not a math equation. It's a lot harder than it seems.

The thing is, he knows exactly who am I, what I want. Me? I'm complete the opposite. Suddenly, it turns into an obsession to me. To know whether my feelings are completely true or I'm just feeling this way because I can't have him.

I have butterflies in my tummy. It's been a while I haven't had that feelings. Whenever he sits next to me, eying each and every of my movements, listening to every words that blurt out through my lips. Funny isn't it?

Hoping that he would call in the middle of the night. Wishing my wished would come true -- to get an answer. An answer for that question that's been lingering on my mind. Driving me mad.

My best friend said, " It'll pass. This is just a phase. You'll get over it... ". Is it true? Maybe I didn't try harder to forget about it. BUT, yes, there is a but. The more I try to forget about him, the more I'll miss him, I want him.

I want to go to bed. I don't want to think about it, about him. I'll try not to. That's because, does he think about me before he goes to bed? I don't think so. I'm only there for him, when he needs me. I'm just a safety net.

Okay, I think that's it. That's it..

Denying is good. Ignorance is bliss.

Yes, I deny it.

Goodnight.

Safer

I haven't felt this way for such a long time. Content. Relax. Although I'm alone, I feel fine. I'm not depressed.

I am happy -- I can actually smile without faking it.

I feel safe.

A letter for a stranger

Hey there stranger,

Today I drove around, listening to your songs. I felt content. After few weeks left hanging, I got the explaination. I thank you for that. You may say you're less the man I might think you are but you're not. You're man enough to explain to me what was going on and I thank you for that.

You are the first stranger I fell for and you will always be a part for me. Thank you for making me feel special. Though it was nothing much that happened between us, it was few great moments and I thank you for that.

I wished I could help you more, but I think that's all I can do, by leaving.

Take care my dear, it was a pleasure knowing you though it was a brief moment.

Kisses,

Zara Ismail

Sentimientos

I walk by the beach, thinking of why, what went wrong.. I was the one who got played. I understand. I, as usual, will be the rebound. Always fall for selfish bastards.

I thought you would be different. I fell for it. I'm hurt. The more I tried to forget about you, the more you come into my mind. When I finally open up, I got hurt badly.

Goodbye. That's all I could say. Though nothing actually happen between us, I'd like to keep it as a memory in my head, you, as one of those strangers that pass by me.

Goodbye.

25th Birthday Wishlist

I'm turning to quarter century old in 3 months and 2 1/2 weeks. I've accomplished a few I want to do and now, I want these 25 things as my 25th birthday gift.

1. IKEA Cupboard (worth RM 139)
2. Mattress (worth RM 200 and not from IKEA)
3. 25 pairs of shoes (celebrating each year of my life)
4. Shoe racks for those 25 pairs of shoes
5. DVD player (I need a new one. So, if it has no brand, it doesn't matter BUT everyone do know that cheap thing no good, good thing no cheap)
6. Watch (Not for the wall. Wrist watch? Yes. I need one)
7. Purse (Been using it since 2005)
8. Spa treatment (I need to relax)
9. Dozen of light bulbs for my bed lamp (You need to see me and request the sample)
10. Washer machine (The old one is broken)
11. Laptop battery (Since no one can get me a Macbook 13", so I decided to use the 3 years old lappy of mine and the model is - ACER Aspire 5500Z)
12. External Hard drive (been living on thumb drives and email to store, so pathetic isn't it?)
13. Coat rack (not to hang coats but handbags because I have loads of them and no where to store it)
14. Maid that cleans the house once or twice a week
    
15. Dressing table (from IKEA as well)
16. Gym instructor or at least someone to motivate me to work out
17. A pair of jeans (seriously, I just want Levi's 501 or just from BLOOK)
18. HIM old cds since I lost 2 of it (not the latest album, just the 1st and 2nd album)
19. Internet camera (is that what you call it?)
20. Original anti-virus because I don't have any (the 3 years would do enough for me)
21. Printer (simple black and white would be enough as well)
22. Speaker or sound system for my lappy (urm, since Altec Lansing is expensive, I'll go for Sonic Gear)
23. Hangers for my clothes (can get them from Tesco, Giant, Carrefour, KK Mart, etc)
24. Beautiful Life dvds (the very first japanese series that was on telly. Takuya Kimura was the main cast. Been looking for that)
25. Last but not least, a pair of new glasses. I've been using this for 2 years, without changing the lenses.
    

Ok, that's it for now. I've decided. It will change year by year. But this is it. Just these things.

for the love of god

I hate this getaway.

I don't really enjoy it.

I don't feel home.

Foolish Games

Sitting at the cafe, sipping a cup of tea. (Well that's what people do when they are heartbroken/worry/stress or maybe not people just the English). Thinking of days to come. Worried about my future. Thinking to a step slowly at a time. Without him.

I wish I can be as strong as my old friend. She lost someone she loves. Died. At least he is still breathing. But it's too painful.

I made a promise to thyself, I shall be alone.

No more games. No more serial datings after breaking up. I need to feel the loneliness. I need to channel the love to myself and the people around me who loves me for who I am. No more games.

The Good Old Days

Today is such a great day. I finally had my girls night out. I miss it. I miss them. :)

Alone with loneliness

I'm sitting here,
Thinking bout,
How I'm gonna do without,
You around in my life,
And how am I gonna get by,
Ain't got no days,
Just lonely nights,
If you want the truth,
Well boy I'm not alright,
Feel out of place,
And out of time,
I think I'm gonna lose my mind

I miss your face,
I miss your kiss,
I even miss the arguments,
That we would have,
From time to time,
I miss you standing by my side,
I'm dying here,
It's clear to see,
There ain't no you, God knows there ain't no me,
Don't wanna live,
I wanna die,
If I can't have you in my life

So tell me how you feel
-- I'm lonely
Are you for real?
-- So lonely
Do you still think of me?
-- I think of you
Do you dream of me at night?
-- Like I dream you all the time

Oh let me tell you how it feels
-- It's like everyday I die
Wish I was dreaming but it's real
-- When I open up my eyes
Oh let me tell you how it feels
-- And don't see your face
I think that I will never love again

Don't Wanna Try

They hurt so bad that they ended our relationship
how I wish things would of happened so differently
I tried to save it so many times but you still couldn't see
Had to wake up face reality

Everything we had.. is just down the drain.
All those memories..
I wish I could erase it.

Love You Til The End

I just want to see you
When you're all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I can't escape
I love you 'till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You don't want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why don't you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you 'till the end

I just want to be there
When we're caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
I'm lost for words don't tell me
All I can say
I love you 'till the end

Thinking of You

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection

You said move on
But where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know..

How do I get better
Once I've had the best?

You're the best,
I'm thinking of you..
Thinking of you..
What would you do if
You were the one who was spending the night
I wish I was looking into your eyes

Won't you walk through
and bust in the door
and take me away
No more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay..

What Hurts The Most

How strong am I?

It's been awhile. I know I've been very quiet, very reserved. I just want to be alone right now. I'm just like a zombie. I haven't slept for 4 days. I don't go out. I hate these feelings. Feeling of emptiness. There's a big void. Knowing he's not around anymore, making it harder for me.

I just felt like my right leg is chopped off. I haven't done anything stupid because I made a promise to him and myself. I don't remember moving on is this hard. Very very hard. I felt like, losing a dead lover is easier compared to know he's alive and bound to bump into. I hate this. All the familiar faces. All those places, reminds me so much of him. I can't even sleep in my own room. I just sit down and cry my eyes out. I don't care anymore how hurt it is. As long as I can get this pain go away. Far far away.

I kept on staring at the phone everyday, hoping for a miracle. To take this pain away. I've been thinking, leaving is the best way. BUT running away doesn't do me any good. Only coward will runaway.

i don't know. I can't think clearly anymore. At times, I think, doesn't he misses me at all.. I know it's best for both him and I.. I'm just not ready. Losing him at this time. BUT if not now, when? Definitely do not want to go on and on same old thing. I hate this.

Part of me loves him a lot. I want him around. I need him around. I have lots of people to support me but it's not the same having him around. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

Time is too slow. I'm doing my best to keep myself busy. As much as I want to drop everything and cry everyday, I can't. I just want this pain to go away. Just go.

When You're Gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you..

- Avril Lavigne

Close to the Flame

The kiss - sweetest
And touch - so warm
The smile - kindest
In this world - so cold and strong

The arms - safest
And words - so good
The faith - deepest
In this world - so cold and cruel

So close to the flame
Burning brightly
It won't fade away and leave us lonely 

- Ville Valo

Luka dihati..

Angin yang bertiup dengan kencang,
seperti perasaan memberontakku ini..
Memberontak kerana kesedihan...
Memberontak kerana kesunyian...
Memberontak kerana keseorangan...

Hatiku luka.

Hujan yang membasahi bumi,
seperti air mataku yang membasahi pipi..
Menangis kerana kesedihan...
Menangis kerana kesunyian...
Menangis kerana keseorangan...

Hatiku luka.

Aku tak mampu lagi menutup kesayuan ini,
Aku kesepian.
Aku tak mampu lagi menyelidung keperitan ini,
Aku kesedihan.

Hatiku luka.

All over again

It's just one of those days, after a long time not arguing. Small matter turned into a big thing. I just understand it. Today you're okay, and the day after you're not. I've tried so hard not to bother, demand things that I know I won't get it, what else do you want? I even have to find entertainment outside so I won't bother you. Aren't you grateful enough? What is it this time? The last time you've change is because of her. NOW?

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of getting attention from other people. I'm tired of these nonsense. I'm already unhappy. Tried to be. Pretending to be. Denying the facts.

I'm doing my best to change. I can't do it all alone. Stop being this way. Just stop.

He's just NOT that into you

I read the book, I saw the movie. Here's my experience.

1. If he said he'll call you but he didn't - NOT INTERESTED
2. If he said he'll see you in a bit but cancelled the last minute - NOT INTERESTED
3. If he's sleeping with someone else while going out with you - NOT INTERESTED
4. If he said that he broke up with his girlfriend and told you that you're hot - JUST WANT TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS
5. If he said he has a girlfriend and still going out with you - NOT INTERESTED and JUST WANT TO GET INTO YOUT PANTS
6. If he said he'll be your friend after a few date - NOT INTERESTED
7. If he said he's not into marriage - NOT INTERESTED
8. If he said he wants to continue the relationship just as partner - NOT INTERESTED
9. If he said nice meeting you and hug after a date - NOT INTERESTED
10. If he takes your number and NOT call you more than a week - NOT INTERESTED

Well, that's more than enough. Been through it all. Lesson taken. Unfortunately, I'm always attracted to selfish bastards. It's a good book though. Something I learned and would love to pass it down to the readers. :)

All the best in finding Mr. Right.

Suicide or Song

Sorrow rebuild me as I step out of the light,
Misery strengthen me as I say my goodbyes...

I heal my wounds with grief;
-- And dream of you,
And weep myself alive...

In Joy and Sorrow

Wondering what's going on.. Suddenly it is so quiet. I know what I want.

I've made up my mind, but at the end, I got heartbroken.

Waiting and waiting.

" Seperti menunggu bulan jatuh ke riba.. "

In joy and sorrow my home's in your arms

in world so hollow

it is breaking my heart

Delicate

Here I am at Melaka.

Being an anti social. I just want to be alone. Sulking.

I finally know what's missing..

Lonely

I'm home.
To an empty space.

I never like coming home. I have no one to greet me at the door. Just an empty bed in an empty room. I have everything that I dream of, yet I'm all alone.

I've cried all alone thinking how sad and pathetic it is.

I don't have a boyfriend, my parents are away, siblings have their own life (as in family) and friends, they have their life too.

Here I am, blogging this pathetic blog, all alone, in the living hall.

I shall go to bed. Dream a beautiful dream...

Serendipity

I'm a mother of 3.
I'm blessed.

I love them like my own kids. I've never thought I'd be as happy as I am right now. I'm proud of them. I'm doing my best to give what they want. But, has anyone question me what I want?

I think my boys can go far.. If only they can see what I'm doing for them. Whenever they're on the stage, I feel like crying. I fell in love with them. No matter how tired or sad I am, whenever I see them fooling around or even making fun of me, it warms my heart. Now, I know how does my mom feels.

All I pray is to be together with them for a long time. I love my kids, they are my new family.

Secret Episode

We had our moments.

That's about it.

So close BUT yet so far...

Bite Me

It's been awhile. Been busy with work. It's great, not that I'm complaining. I've never been happier compared now. I love my life right now. Doing more or less the things I've been wanting to do -- events; with a bonus -- music. Passion.

I'm just lucky. Thankful to God. Thankful to my parents who never stop praying for me. I had a conversation with someone who I barely know. Told me that heard rumors bout me; snobbish, arrogant. What if I am? I am living a whole new life.

I do remember where I come from. Oh, well. Some people..

As far as I'm concern, I never leave anyone behind. Correct me if I'm wrong. All I want is to live my dream, and it'll come. 5 years from now, RSG Events, insyaAllah, will be one of them. That's a promise to thyself.

" Do you know how to rest and chill ? "

Making Memories

Friday night's such a beautiful night
Where you going?
I didn't mean to blow it
You're upset and I don't know what I said
But I'm sorry
Don't you give up on me?

Don't pretend you're not smiling again
Let's just leave it
You know I didn't mean it
Don't know why we put up such a fight
Over nothing
When we could still be something

Take off your jacket
Don't walk out that door
There's no need to leave anymore

Can't do this myself
No, I need some help
We all need some help

You and me
We should be
Making a memory whenever we're together
Look at me
Can't you see
We were meant to be
Making a memory

When Love and Death Embrace

Today I create a drama. Unnecessary drama. Bringing up small matter. Making it as a huge deal, like its the end of the world. I mixed everything up. I made him leave. Not picking up the phone, not replying any of my messages. I want to leave everything. I hate the way it is. We are already drifted apart. We're still denying. I'm not myself lately. I can't think through. I hate myself when I look at myself in the mirror. I feel like smashing the mirror. Peel my skin off. Pull my hair. Blind myself. I hate the way I am. 

I'm sorry. Will you still love me...?

Die,Kitty Die!

Why is it so hard to forget someone? Why is it so hard to stay mad at someone for quite some time? I want to do that. Unfortunately, my characteristic is not like that. I kept on forgiving them, and move on. I kept on, sweeping it under the carpet. Why can't I be selfish? I want to be one of them who always think about themselves. Hurting and saying those cruel words. Everytime I'm angry, I tend to take a deep breath and smile.

Why would he bother? Like he said, he doesn't have obligations and responsibilities at all. Selfish? Yes. Never seems to care about anyone except for himself. No wait, I'll give him credits to acknowledge about the world and other people but not me.

I've been so upset with him for god knows how long but everytime I try to say it, I just thought to myself, "What the hell for? Wasting time only. Better cherish what we have." Funny right?

I always think about the good thing about him, but he sees my bad traits most of the time. I'd find time for him in my busy schedules. I'd make time and find my way to be with him. I'd cancel my meetings for him. Him?

The only way for me to release my anger is to go out with those people. But come to think of it, like he cares. What if I sleep with another guy? I'm not his girlfriend like he claims but he said, "I'll leave." It's been 2 goddamn years. I'm trying to improve but he never change. Not that I asked him to. I accept him for who he is. He always want me to change.

I let my guard down. I said sorry when I'm tired of saying it. I want to scream out loud, "DIE KITTY DIE!!!!"


I agree on what my best bud said;
fareisha says (11:54 AM): im starting to think men are complete and i mean COMPLETE in its whole sense - IDIOTS.

fareisha says (11:54 AM): serious shit ok!

Lover's Dead Lane

It's been 2 days here.. I'm going home soon. Can't believe I took another road trip to find peace. Thank god it's over between me and him. The argument. I feel better now. Penang is lovely. Celebrating Valentine's all alone. Cruising around the island. Not as beautiful as Langkawi but in a way, I found my 2nd home. Close enough though...Didn't get a chance to take photos as I forgot to bring my camera along. I wish I don't have to go back, but hey, reality check, I got bills to pay. Another place for me to throw away all my sadness. Coming back to Penang next week for Bunkface's gig. Can't wait. Wish I could bring him along...

Silent Valentine's

Here I am, by the beach... trying to paint my sadness. It's back to square one how I felt. Whatever I did, it wasn't enough, was never good to his eyes. Strolling by the beach alone. Wishing and praying things would change. Seems he never bother. Is it the end? I have no clue.. I miss every moments. All those happiness... Who am I to you...?

fix the problem, not the blame...

Who For You

If I could paint a sad goodbye;
I’d paint your eyes a clear blue sky.
Pluck you grace from a pale faced moon
And slumber down this tattered room.

If I could find an amber train;
Lord I’d ride it to the bitter end.
Passing hope in the summer bloom;
Passing dreams and a fading tune.

If I should stray amid crimson rose…
Whither angels on wings of gold?
Who for flowers in the month of May?
Who for you on your winter’s day?
Who for flowers in the months of May?
Who for you?

I love this song..Soundtrack from Gubra. Pete sang it beautifully..My new lullaby.. :)

Passing Dreams with Tears...

I kept on wondering, what's life gonna be in few years time. I'm 25 this year. I have nothing except my pride. Most of my schoolmates and cousins are married. Both, my elder siblings have each 3 kids of their own. One is almost happy with his life and the other left to UMRAH to find peace after few years of rocking marriage. Me? 

Still with the same person. Dare not to change a single bit. Last 2 days went to Jalan Tandang with him for a drink. We talked almost about everything. I enjoyed my times with him. It's been 2 years. Love for him hasn't fade. I guess for now...

Funny when people never understood our situation. Every girl dreams a beautiful wedding or life with their loved one. But me, I don't. I'm too afraid. I know he doesn't have the same feelings towards me. But I still stay. Knowing he loves someone else, I still stay. Stupid? No. Comfort zone? No. If I could find the other answers for it why, I'd stated it out here. For now, I know it's LOVE.

When I reached home, I'd still feel lonely. Felt like I've lost him. Again. 

Nothing's change.

Kekwat Gitu.

"Kenapa dengan Bunkface tu?

BUKAN sekali tetapi dah banyak kali Papa mendengar rungutan tentang band indie yang sedang meningkat naik nama mereka sekarang.

Siapa lagi kalau bukan Bunkface yang sedang top dengan lagu Situasi tu. Amboi, hebat mereka kan? Lagu Situasi tu pun dah berjaya menjuarai beberapa carta radio popular di negara ini.

Tetapi, yang tak sedapnya, sedang asyik diulit dengan populariti, rupanya Papa dengar cerita kumpulan Bunkface ni dikatakan berlagak sampaikan tidak mahu membuat sesi fotografi ataupun ditemu ramah oleh media.

Kawan Papa yang cantik jelita bermata kuyu pun rupanya pernah terkena dan apa yang membuatkan kawan Papa ni naik hantu apabila pengurus Bunkface yang bernama Zara memang sombong dalam memberikan jawapannya.

“Minta maaflah ya. Kami tidak akan buat sesi fotografi dengan mana-mana media sebab kami hanya mahu menumpukan perhatian kepada promosi album dan lagu sahaja. Bunkface tiada masa untuk sesi fotografi kerana terlalu sibuk,” kata Zara kepada kawan Papa tadi dalam nada yang cukup menyakitkan hati.

Agaknya Zara baru lagi kot jadi pengurus dan tidak faham selok-belok dunia artis ni? Bukankah sesi fotografi itu juga sebahagian daripada promosi untuk Bunkface.

Helo, artis lama dan senior pun masih lagi sudi nak buat sesi fotografi dengan akhbar dan majalah sebab mereka tahu itu adalah promosi untuk mereka.

Tidak mengapalah. Mungkin Bunkface dan pengurusnya tidak memerlukan media untuk membantu mereka kerana ada cara promosi mereka yang tersendiri.

Kalau lepas ni ada apa-apa yang terjadi, jangan nak salahkan wartawan pula sebab tidak memberi sokongan dan publisiti."

Sometimes, I just don't understand some people. Just trying to provoke me. Alhamdulillah, I handle it well. It's just another challenge for me working in this industry. Oh, well.. Pepatah melayu kita - " Tak kenal, maka tak cinta."

Maharani

Mereka kata ku gila
Lagilah aku suka
Otakku geliga
Fikiran luar biasa

Mereka kata ku samseng
Tapi ku tak ambil pusing
Pedulikan semua
Fikir apa yang penting

Semua tuduhan
Fitnah belaka
Ada yang suka
Juga ada yang benci
Biar peluru menembus kulitku
Suatu yang pasti kekal abadi

Jangan percaya kata mereka
- Maharani, Butterfingers.

This is for the people out there. Don't judge a book by its cover.

Zara Ismail.