Friday, September 21, 2007

Picture of my life...

Every life is like a movie. We are the cast and in this movie of ours we are the main actor or actresses and we are also our own director and scriptwriter. God is our producer and this is the picture of my life.

I may not be a famous and glamorous star but I “starred” and “directed” my own “movie” like any other movies you’ve seen. Actually, we all do. Is just the matter whether you want to put it “on air” to let other people read or watch it. I do. I want to show part of my life to all of you and who knows it might help through this story of mine.

For some certain time, I always wonder how it feels to be someone else. Today I’m all alone again at home. It just feels so empty to me. Staring at the ceiling. Listening to the neighbors. Looking at the busy street that never sleeps. Please excuse my writing here. I’m not a blogger or a writer type of a person. Each and everyday, I wake in the morning, I’m doing the same old same old routine. Aren’t any of you tired of the same things? I surely am. But this is life. Once you’ve started to take the responsibility, everything is a routine. Nothing is the same like when you were in school. Well, yes when I was in school I can’t wait to get out and start working but when I am where I am right now, I kept on wishing that school never ends. Sounds a little childish aren’t I? I’m living a quieter life now. I don’t go out to parties like I used to. I’m not complaining. I’m just saying this because I was the one who cut all the party friends. I can’t live those kind of life. Parties, boozes and drugs. I was once a junkie and I’m not proud of it. I do miss those “old” life but when I look where I am right now, I’m grateful I’ve seen the light. The only thing I’m wishing is for my birthday is more excitement in my life. Yeah, I’m gonna be 23 this coming 3rd October. Day by day we’re getting older. Seconds actually. I just need to spice my life up. I have a wonderful job that pays quite okay for my qualifications and experiences. What I’m doing is not what I took course in college. Thanks to my lovely friend, Anyz, who introduced me to my wonderful bosses, Dev and Mohan.

Sometimes I just wish that my friends and I would hang out more like we used to. Now we’re all grown ups who has lots of responsibilities. Not even a second to say hi to each other. It has always been “I’m busy, I’ll buzz you soon okay?” and it never happen. Don’t that always happen to you? I envy my boyfriend’s life sometimes. He’s still in college so can’t beat that. College life rocks. Friends are always there to hang out. It’s like “dude, free later? Let’s chill.”. correct me if I’m wrong. He always has activities to do. Its either doing group assignments or hanging out with friends. His life is always packed with activities. Mine? Hurmm.. last I checked, I came back home, took a long shower (that’s to kill the time), make myself dinner, watch dvds, waited for his calls, go to sleep. It has always been like that. That’s during the weekdays. Weekends? I’ll go out if he takes me out. If he doesn’t, it’s either I’m back at my parents place or I’ll be at home doing my chores. I don’t go out to the movies alone like I used to. I don’t go out to my favorite place to have a pot of chamomile tea, watch the crowds while reading a book anymore. Is that what happen when you get older? It’s so dull. Very grey. I’m coming 23 and I feel like I’m 32. Maybe, I say maybe because of this, I tend to pester my boyfriend and demand to see him more and that’s why he said I’m needy and dependent on him subconsciously. Which I didn’t even realize that at all. But is it wrong for someone who hardly see her boyfriend who’s always been busy with his life ask? Every time when I wanted to seat down and talk to him, I changed my mind. This is because I do not want to waste any seconds that we have. So all I can ask is through my thoughts only. The only time that we have is the time that we always rush because we always have activities. All I’m asking for is a day, just me and him, sitting down and talk. Yes, we do talk all the time, if I’m at the office and he’s online from home or class or library we chat, or even at night before going to bed, we have this cute routine, ‘smoking together’ and talk on the phone but not a serious talk. Maybe, like I said again, maybe, he’s not ready or didn’t notice at all and I hope one day, I’ll have that talk with him.

I had this one conversation over the phone with my wonderful best girlfriend, dini, she was complaining how bad her relationship is. I agreed on her too. Men at times can be so selfish and never bothers what women trying to tell them. All they can say is that we women keep on nagging, pestering and demanding. What they didn’t realize is that we’re trying to figure out how to make relationship works. Some men doesn’t even bother to ask what we women do or have we eaten or even better, how was our day. Women are supposed to be pampered. We don’t expect it most of the time, we only ask at least once a week on better still, which will make mens’ life easier, ask once in blue moon. Don’t think that men has work to do, important meetings to attend, that we women don’t as much as men does. For married women who has a career, they work too. They come back home, for whom has children, nurture them, make sure the houses are tidy and all, greet the husband and give them pleasure (and I’m not talking just about sex). For single career women who’s dating or engaged, they have hard time at work too (I don’t so far). Just a simple question, “how was your day?” will change every single feelings and thoughts and straight away can see the smile on their face. Yet, men doesn’t has a clue about it. Yes, we women too would admit that we don’t understand men at times, and the simple and easy way is to sit down and talk about it calmly. No pointing fingers, “I work harder” or “ you have no idea..”. none of that. The problem with people, they always get defensive but once when they are on their own and thought about it, that’s when they would realize what went wrong. Funny isn’t it? Grown ups. I’m one of them and I do admit those things happens. Not just in relationship. Family and friends too.

Family, the topic that one would not discuss. For the is the same like relationship. Personal. Family is our root. I’m not afraid or embarrass to admit that my family aren’t working out so well. We argued on small and silly things which I started and now the whole family is not on talking terms. The only people I’m talking to are my parents and my sister. I’m not on talking terms with my brother and his family (he’s married with two lovely kids which I missed a lot) and my brother in law couldn’t be bothered about me. He’s a little sensitive now. My sister told me that my brother in law won’t be coming back to my parents place for Raya. I’m pretty sure my parents especially my dad would be really upset about it. I pity my sister because she’s stuck in the middle between our father and her husband. I feel bad and how I wish I could make things better but there’s nothing I could do. The more I try to fix things up, the more it got worse. That’s what happened between me and my two best friends of 10 and 14 years. I’ll get to that story soon. I’m clueless. My sister is pregnant and I’m sure my dad misses her. Oh how I wish I could do something. Any ideas? Feel free to drop a comment and suggestions.

So okay, now I can tell you what’s the real story happened between my two best friends and I. I’ve been friends with 2 lovely ladies, Shauna Anne Bridger (been friends for 10 years) and Mardhati Md Yasin (friends of 14 years). Shauna is more of a sister to me. She’s always there for me whenever I needed someone the most. She has always been taking care of me and pamper me and Mardhati, she’s more to a best friend. Both Ati (let’s call her that.we all do.) and I could finished each other sentences, laugh on silly things, read each other minds and keep secrets that no one would know. Truth is, Shauna knows a whole lot of secrets about me compared to Ati. I can’t even lie to Shauna but to Ati, I lied a few times. Shauna and Ati hardly hang out together. It’s normally me and Shauna or Ati and i. hardly the three of us together. Shauna has a different set of friends and so does Ati. After school, Ati moved. I did too. Shauna remains in Subang. We still see each other though. We still keep in touch with each other. See each other when we have the time until it both Ati and I moved back to Subang. November 2006 arrived. That’s when shauna took the biggest and farthest step among us. She went abroad. She was lucky to get a job. So there we were, crying our heart out at KLIA. It could’ve been flood if we were there longer. Days passed by to weeks and later on months. We were so happy when we received message through myspace from Shauna. We cried whenever we get a call or sms from her. That shows how close we were. Ati and I were doing the same thing. Hanging out and wasting most of our time. We’ve worked together too many times. I’m trying to cut the history short. If I go into details, none would love to read it. Soon it’ll turn out as a biography. Soon mid of 2006, I had to move out again from Subang. Ati and I was quite depressed and sad about it but I had to. We were still calling each other every now and then. We had our own friends but we still remain as best friends. She was in a relationship and I wasn’t. so we have our own life basically. I made few friends through my house mate who was my good friend in college days. I started to party again. Ati and I was drifting apart slowly. I end up with a guy from our party group. My life was such a glamorous, fabulous and partilicious (if there’s such a word for it.). it was all about drugs, parties, boozes and who are your friends. Every week there would be party. I was working at a hotel and I received an offer working in a bar from a friend of mine. This friend of mine invited Ati to join too. So there we were working together, spending most our time there. Did I tell you that she has a boyfriend. Oh yes I did. Well, her boyfriend didn’t like me, vice versa. Let’s cut the story short. I introduced them to my “party” friends. Soon, I broke up with the guy I was with from the party people. Our group where having too much fun and didn’t realize what was happening, friends were stabbing each other, talking bad things behind each others back. I couldn’t stand it. Especially one day. I fell sick. I couldn’t handle two jobs working day in day out, seven days a week, 20 hours a day. I had to crawl from my bed to get to the hospital. I’m pretty sure you would ask what happen to all my friends right? That’s why we call them as party people. That includes Ati too. The day I was sick was the day everyone left me all alone to go party. Then, I received a phone call from shauna all the way from London. She said, “I called because I felt something is wrong with you..” and when she said that I broke down and cried. Tears just won’t stop flowing, streaming down my face. When I told her every single thing, she was so angry and pissed off especially to ati. My best friend. Left me all alone at home sick. Just to go to the party. I remembered once ati told me that she and her boy friend hated my life. Look who’s talking. I made my choice and realize who was my friend, I called my parents saying I’m moving out. So, I did.

Once after I’ve moved, that’s when I met my boyfriend. Until now I couldn’t believe I’m with him. He was my primary school mate. Every time I think about it, it made me smile. I toned down my party life. Slowly I left the group. Shauna came back from overseas. She met those “old friends” of mine. We hung out. She started to change to one of them. We tried to make things work between us. Like those saying, “two is a party, three is a crowd”. Later on, my dad fell sick. He had 85% - 15%. The chances were so low. I spend most of the time with my dad. Doctor was telling us to pray. I cried to my best friends. They promised they would come on the operation day itself. They didn’t show up at all. They did come day before but wasn’t the same. Thank god my dad went through it. He’s now recovering. When he knew what kind of friend they were, he was so upset as he himself always consider them as his daughters. Dini was always there for me though she’s busy. He was happy to know at least I have a very good friend who’ll be there for my ups and downs. Lesson learned, lesson taken.

Now, my life isn’t the same. I have few good friends. Like what my dad always say, “Friends come and go as we grow older. It’s the quality not the quantity.” And I have to agree with him. For every reader out there, a simple hello would cheer your mate. Cherish them and never take advantage on them. You might never know who’ll help you around and be with you through the sunshiny and rainy days. These type of friends keep them closer. Say thank you to them whenever and don’t just wait for any special occasion or receiving any thing from them. They’ve given you a beautiful gift, friendship. Appreciate them. At this particular moment, I’d like to take this chance to say thank you to all my friends out there for coming into my life and colored my beautiful days. You will not be forgotten. You know who you are.

So peeps. This is the story of my life. Part of it. All about my relationships with my family, friends and romance. I’m grateful to go through all this. For coming birthday, I’m wishing it’d be better. InsyaAllah. Thank you for your time to read. Take care fellow readers. Soon, I’ll be writing more. Something interesting than this. Might never know my life will change and I’ll have interesting stories to share. Please excuse me for any grammatical errors. Thank you again.

Hugs & kisses,

Zara D.

3 comments:

fadli of 360grapikstudio said...

quite interesting stories u got there..

i feel 40 years trap in 26 years old body

take care ya.. *hug*

waniey_bee said...

sista...takeagudcare yeah..me alwiz LOVe u...hugs n kisses..

amar said...

perhh~~ panjang gile... :-O