One and only

It's been 18 days since Alda's passing and somewhat things have turned around pretty well.

I thought I would be a wrecked. It was the opposite. I found my peace. I am in zen mode. It wasn't just me, it was all #TeamAlda.

For the past 3 months I've been isolating myself from people. I wanted to be with Alda, Uncle Aldwin & Auntie Zoraida and #TeamAlda. My performance at work went down. All the things that I loved became redundant to me. I became cold. I became my worst nightmare. I forced myself to work everyday. I wasn't as happy as I was.

How can I be happy at the moment? My friend, my brother, my colleague was in coma. He was lying helplessly. Fighting for his life. My daily routine were disrupted. Everyday, I would wake him up. I'd buy breakfast and we would go to work. We go to lunch together. We would make fun of each other. Most of every Thursday, we'd go to kick boxing class together. Most every Friday, we'd be partying at Barsonic, Zouk KL. Most of the weekends, we'd go to events or just outing with our "Entourage" group. That was the past 10-12 months before his passing.

When he collapsed, all I wanted was to drop everything and just be by his side. I was offended when someone told me, "Don't get offended but, he is just lying there. Life has to go on. What else can we do?". I was so angry. In my heart, "Is that what you say when you love someone? Is that how see things are?", but I kept it to myself. Just smiling.

I dedicate this song to you Alda

I kept all the emotions for 3 months until I decided to resign. I didn't want to work there anymore. I feel like there's nothing left for me but painful memories. I wanted to run away. My boss, who is a close friend of Alda, rejected my resignation and said, "Is this how you deal with it? By running away? Do you think Alda would like this?" and I broke down for the very first time. I admitted I couldn't go on. I wanted to but I don't know how. Instead, I thought I was giving too much trouble to the company, I'd resign,  to save my boss the trouble to fire me. Instead, he gave me a chance, he offered me a transfer to a different and new department. He acknowledged my skills. He understood what I went through. I knew what he told me was all right. 

I took that chance. I want to keep my promise to myself, to my boss and to Alda. I want to make sure what  Alda has helped me was worth it. I was given a chance to build new life. I went into the office after 9 days of Alda's passing. I am me again. At the same time, I am now doing my own business. I start just about 3 days before I enter the office. It was like something knocked my head and when I woke up, I tweeted, "Lai lai mari order the famous frozen MURTABAK RAJA.".

Business is doing alright, not so bad. Can't say much since I've just started it. I became myself again, the happy go lucky blondie. Not to mention, to a particular someone who actually have been there for me. The support given was priceless.

I am now at peace. Alhamdulillah.

I may be sad losing a very dear friend, a brother who would always be there for me, a colleague who believed in me, but I am at peace. I knew that he is now in a better place looking after us. Our guardian angel.

Alda's contribution to the music industry, legacy will always be remembered.

The Star Newspaper

15th June 2012

Alda's passing is a blessing in disguise. For me, I've gained 2 new parents, 11 brothers & sisters, 1 niece. 

Let us now celebrate his life. 

To Alda. 

Goodbye my dear friend, Alda Evan Tan

I don't know where to start.

I don't know how to start.

Here goes....

I've lost someone. He is my very dear friend, brother and colleague. He is someone whom I can never replace. For the past 5 years I've known him, he has never once, hurt me, left me. nor judged me. He has not just touched my heart, but hundreds and thousands of people. He is such an angel, the best son and brother, a friend who would always support and never give up on you and a talented musician.

For the past 3 months, he has been in coma due to his left brain capillary burst and everyday we would all pray that he'd survived. He didn't. Alda left us on 11th June 2012, at 4.45am peacefully. 


Looking back the days I've known him, he never failed to be there for me. He would always be there for me in ways he could ; late night drinking sessions, bbm-ing (even I don't have to say it, he'd text me up first), introducing me to the job now I'm working, sending me to Kpop concert (like a father would drive his daughter to a concert), to screen the guys I would date (in a fatherly tone he said, "What now? You ar, same shit, different boy" and he smiles), and the most important, he took care of me in his own way. 


He never failed to give me support. He never once looked down on me. He never did. He has taught me a lot. Those lessons are so precious that not even a soul could replace. 


Whenever we'd go partying, he will always be by my side, checking up on me. He knows I was trying to be strong, held my head up high and pretend I was okay. And fact is, when I'm drunk, he would come and hug me and just let me cry. He would say, "Why you cry? Aren't we all here for you? I am here." and he'd hug me and all those things that troubled me, went away. 


He is a man with passion. A man never gave up. A man who has such a big heart. He would help anyone, anybody who are in need. He was a fighter. 


The last time I saw him when he was still up and running doing the things he'd always do (complaining about the customers that emailed him, preparing for a music show), I was troubled by a call received from my sister. He knew I needed money to help and he came into my office and hugged me, then he pass RM50. He said, "Go rescue your sister. Be safe and don't worry, anything just bbm me.".


Later the next morning, at 7.16am, my colleague called me, "Zara, do you  know about Alda? He's been admitted to DSH (Damansara Specialist Hospital) and in coma now.". That news shocked me and we went straight to DSH. I held up my head high, telling myself, it's going to be okay. But when I walked into HDU, my heart stopped beating for few seconds. Seeing him lie helplessly with wires and tubes attached to him, I walked out and broke down. 


That's by far the worst moment in my life. Looking at someone who is so dear to me, that I loved most, in coma. Few hours later on, #TeamAlda was formed. 


A group of friends and family stepped in to help him and his parents. We found out that he had no insurance when he collapsed (He collapsed mid-way jamming for Kartel's show). These people who are known as #TeamAlda were the people who was once and still his friends.


The journey we (#TeamAlda) went through was the best journey I've experienced. We became a family. We  had a fall out but we stayed stronger. We never gave up and was holding it in together just for Alda, his dad and mom - Uncle Aldwin & Auntie Zoraida, his sister - Zona. We came from different background, race and  religion. We came together because of the love that Alda gave to us. 


Alda was in HDU for a good 2 and half month. We had to transfer him to different hospital because the funds/donations were running low. HUKM (Hospital Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia - I hope I got it right) was quite far for most of us. While he was there for the next 2 weeks, to be honest, we didn't once visit him. I'm assuming, everyone was busy with work and their life and as for me same here. There were work piling up. There were family issues needed to pay attention to. 


We all then received a text message by Uncle Aldwin on 6th of June, "Team, Alda is in a critical condition. Plz pray. Tq.". We all stormed to HUKM. We found out that one of his lungs collapsed due to pneumonia. We were told that he would not make it and we had to say our goodbyes. I just couldn't say goodbye. I think most of us didn't. We weren't ready. We were afraid. I knew I was. 


Losing someone who played a big role in your life ain't easy. It opened up my old wound. I remembered how it felt when my father passed away. I became very cold. We consoled each other. We prayed. We fought with God. All we were asking for one more chance. I was asking for God to give him and us one more chance. But if it's his time, then He can take Alda away.


For 5 straight days we were there, friends and family came and asked Alda to fight, saying it's not the time yet. And he did. He fought to stay around a bit longer. To say his goodbyes. I was quite fortunate to be there with him, to see his right eye opened but slightly. Tears were streaming his eyes. His breathing and physically responded to us (and that what makes us thought he'd survived). But it was all goodbyes. I finally took the courage and speak to him on 10th June 2012, 8.16pm (I never once took a chance to talk to him -- all I did was saying, "Hey, It's me Zara", I didn't know what else to say. I was always by his side, holding his hands and looked at him) , "Aldo, it's me Zara. Can you fight for us? I knew it sounded so selfish but we all here need you. Fight if you can. We are all here fighting with you. We can't win the battle without you. Fight if you can. But Aldo (that's what I normally called him), If you can't, you can let it go. We will be okay. I promised you that we will ..... (that's my promise to him and I won't say it here). I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. I shall not fail you. Thank you for all the things you've done for me.". I wiped away my tears and walked away. 


At 8.37am, 11th June 2012, I woke up to a lot of missed calls, text messages, bbms, whatsapps. The day that I'm terrified of, came. The day that I decided to silent my phone for the past 3 months, it happened. Alda Evan Tan has left us all. I was the last one to be with him among friends. I'm thankful that I was given the chance to say my goodbye and apology.


People came for the next 4 days to pay their last respect. The funeral was such a beautiful one. He is blessed and loved by many. I may lose a friend, who is so important to me, but I've gained a family -- Uncle Aldwin, Auntie Zoraida, Zona and family and definitely #TeamAlda. He sure is an angel. 

#TeamAlda

l to r : Stanley Saw, dam Lobo, Keith Yap, Joanne Kay, Collin Chin, Zona Marie Sheppard - Tan, me, Nazmi Syazwan, Avril Chan, Mahani Izzati, Madeline Tan and Sandra Sodhy

Aldo,


I have no other words to say to you other than thank you. Thank you for all the things you've done for me. Thank you for being there. Thank you for putting up with my dramas. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your love. Thank you for bringing me a new family, new friends and new life. You will be forever missed. I shall not fail you. You've taught me a lot. May angels be with you and I know my dad will welcome  you with an open arms. He knows what you've done for me. I bet the first you'll say to my dad when you see him, "Uncle, you daughter arrr.." =) 


Thank you for the beautiful, amazing memories. 


I love you always. 

Alda and I at Global Battle of the Band sometime in 2009

Love,
Zara Ismail
(Your Kpop Drama Queen Z)

In loving memories...

Alda Evan Tan

May you Rest in Peace sayang...

"May Angels bear you on lofty wings to Paradise; 

May Heaven's music resound & rejoice with you presence."

Alda's favorite song from his band Car Crash Heart

Stop the world.

Days aren't getting any better. I stopped breathing for few seconds.

I walked away.

I had to leave.

Nothing is it's own place and it feels like a mess.

Dear God, let me go. Just let me go.

Walking After You

Lately I've been thinking of you. I kept on counting the times we've been apart. It hurts. I felt you walk away from my life. I felt, you left for good. I felt I was nothing.

I want to be happy for you but I'm still hurt. After all we've been through. it seems that you easily let me go. I was looking forward for Foo Fighters. I knew that was the only time I can be with you again among thousands of people sharing the same feeling watching one of our favourite band. That was how bad I miss you. Enough to share that moment even we'd be apart.

I don't know how to let go. I want to have you still in my life. You played a big role in my life. Even when I'm doing very good now with every other things in life I've dreamt for, it's not complete. You are not here for me to share it with.

Seems that you've finally let me go officially. Thanks Valentine.

Here's for you. My gift for you.

"I cannot be without you, matter of fact... I'm on your back"

Zara Ismail

In Between Lines

It's the second week of February 2012. Many things has happened for the past 6 new weeks. Something new for me. Something old for me. Something that I won't ever forget. Even it has been good to me, somehow the void feeling is there. A friend said, I'm too young to feel empty. I knew she was right but that emptiness fills my nights.

I'm still figuring things out. Career is advancing and I'm very glad and grateful at least one of it is working out. I hope it will last long.

I know that void, but I just don't really pay attention to it. If I do, I won't ever be able to move on. Probably, this is my only way to forget things. Keep myself busy. Busy is good. Busy is the best.

"It's easy to erase someone from your mind, but,  it's hard to remove it from the heart..."


Zara Ismail

New Life, New Year, Hello 2012.

I welcomed 2012 all alone. Watching the  fireworks, reflecting what happened in 2011.

A lot has happened in 2011. Bitter painful memories. yet towards the end of it, everything seems magical. I've finally experienced life on my own. Without these two men whom meant a lot to me -- My late father (you'll always be in my heart papa..) and my ex of 4 years (you taught me a lot and has always been there for me). I've always depended on them, finally I'm on my own two feet. I can't believe myself that I am this strong to go on without being dependant on anyone. I depended on myself. Alhamdulillah...

I've met a lot of people, and most of them became very dear to me. I don't know how else to thank everyone who has come into my life now, who supported, taught and guided me. This year 2012, I do not have any resolutions. I want to live the way I am right now, free and happy, without any dramas. I'm embracing it every moments that happened in life.

Here's to 2012.

A better year for all of us financially, career, family, friendship and love.

Rock on!

November Rain

It's raining heavily for the past one week or two.. It seems like it knows that my heart is pouring heavily inside too. Somehow, it finally hits me. Why now?

I started the last 2 months perfectly fine. Now, I'm feeling that hurt. I get angry, but I know, the more I resent, I'll hurt more. I tried to live as normal as possible, enduring the new changes in my life, following the flow, but somehow, it seems temporary. I might be laughing and smiling among friends, but when I'm all alone, it gets really quiet and lonely. That's when I feel the big void. I avoid seeing the people we knew. I put courage going to places where we used to go. But when I'm home, it feels empty.
How long more will it rain?

Dear November, be good to me. I promise you that I'll be good too. Let me go through this rain with head held up high, because I deserved it.

I am that strong independent woman.
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When The Rain Falls...

I often think of you, nights like this became more lonely. Wondering how you are and whether you miss or ever think of me.. Some nights are sleepless. I hate it when I miss you. I know what we chose was the best but somehow, my heart yearns for you even when I fight not to. I often imagine how happy you are without me. Especially being with someone else whom I knew who did take your heart away. I have a lot of questions to ask but I kept on dismissed it away. I don't want to get hurt by my own thinking. I wish there were still hope and chances to make things better but deep inside I knew it was over. You are my first TRUE love. I never thought I would feel so deeply towards someone and he was the one that wasn't meant for me, that got away even he was the greatest thing that ever happened in my life..

Things weren't the same anymore. Life wasn't as interesting as it was but I hope yours filled with happiness and joy because all I want for you is to be happy even at times I wish you weren't. To love is to sacrifice.. That I've learned from you. Thank you for a great lesson. Be well my love. You deserved it.

With lots of love,
Aizura Nur Ismail.
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Magic

I  feel great lately. Everything is going smooth the way it is. I thank God for that, Alhamdulillah. I'm thankful with a great job, a better life with family and friends. I hope things would be like this for the next few years or gets even better, InsyaAllah. I'm glad that things are falling into places. I really am. It may be sound a bit pathetic but I believe, losing that one person I thought would always be there for me would make my world fall apart, and now seeing is believing. It made a whole lot of difference. It's true, to gain more, you have to lose at least a few. In my case, you know what I'm talking about. 

At times, I do feel how much it hurts, but it wasn't as bad as before. God knew I have a strong heart. I know I do too. So this is a prove how much better I am from before. This is the new old me. 

Thank you for all the support that I received from all my loved ones. 

It's my time to get up on my own two feet. To be that independent strong woman. 

Thank you. 

p/s: Here's the new me! ;)

My Precious

Today is my 27th birthday. Another year has pass me by. Second celebration without dad around and the first without him. I never thought I'd be okay, but I am fine. Even though deep inside, I miss them both, they would always be in my heart..

Papa, last 25 birthdays that we've celebrated together, means a lot to me. This year, it will be more meaningful to me. I hope you're watching me from up there as I grew older.

Mama, thanks for giving birth to me.. You're a mother that I used to take for granted, and I shall not from now onwards. I'm sorry for all the things I've done.

To my siblings, we may have our love-hate relationship but blood is thicker than water and I love you both no matter what. I'm glad you're my elder siblings.

DR, last 3 birthdays has been a wonderful and lovely. Even last 4 years we've spent together.. I still keep those gifts you gave me. Thanks for the memories.

My friends, who knew me for the past 27 years of my life.. Thank you for being there.

I love you all..

Alhamdulillah..

I'm grateful to God for sending me these people in my life.

Here's to a great start. A new beginning. Happy birthday Aizura Nur Ismail / Zara Ismail. You're blessed. I am. :)
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Life As It Is

I've started my new life. I'm blessed that I still have people who cares about me. I'm thankful I've met a few strangers who could guide me. I was scared to get close to the people around me because I always put high expectations.

Someone told me, "Changing is a lifelong process.". I really want to change. I want to change for the best. Learning mistakes what I've done in the past and owning it up. It takes courage to face oneself. It takes courage to put trust in oneself. It takes courage to be honest with oneself.

To undo the mistakes, its impossible and not. Some mistakes we can undo it, some mistakes not at all. Those that we can't undo it, we learned it, figure how to make things better. There are a lot of ways to resolve it and to resolve it, we have to not follow our emotions or heart. That was and still my fatal flaws. Never think carefully, rationally, logically.

We are still learning to get to know ourselves. Sometimes, I'm quite surprised with myself. I knew the old me, the person who used to be strong hearted and independent is still inside of me. I just shoved her away. I will be that person again. That is the real me. I hope she will come back soon.

Life has its own way teaching us new things, meeting new people. I do not want to give up anymore. I should not. I should be grateful for the things happened in my life. I now believe, why God kept on making me go through these rough roads, because He knows I can face it.

When there's a will, there's a way. Before loving someone else, I need to love myself. I have to. That's how much I owed myself.

Here's to a new start, a new beginning.


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First Love, You Are My Love

It took me 4 years, to realized, he is my first love. I thought I've experienced it. Truth is, I'm experiencing it now. That's the reason I've been hurting so much. It is this love that grow me maturedly slowly. It is this love that I've learned a lot, about life, family, friends, work and of course, love.

I've dated a lot of men, but never in my life, been so hard to let go. I thought the guy who came back into my life after 10 years was my first love but he was just a high school crush. Another guy I've dated for 3 years, he was my first long term relationship but he wasn't the one who took my breath away. He taught me about jealousy and trained me to be faithful and loyal.

Later on, after 4 years, fighting with the forces of nature, I realized, this man, right now in my life is my first love. No wonder it took me this long to let him go. I am afraid of losing the person who taught me a lot of things in my life. Who has never gave up on me. What I didn't realized, this man has given me more than I needed. It's time to let go and grow on my own.

It hurts when I typed each and every word right now. Deep down inside, I know I have to do what I should have done a long time ago. I never have the guts to do it because I might regret it. I know love will find the way back into my heart.

Thank you my first love for the most beautiful 4 years of my life. No words could describe how grateful and thankful I am to have you in my life.

Take care and I will always love you.

That Woman

One woman loves you..
That woman loves you wholeheartedly
She follows you around like a shadow everyday
That woman is laughing and crying...


Just how much more do I have to gaze at you alone?
This love that came like the wind, 
This love like a beggar.
If I continue this way, will you love me?
Just come a little nearer..a little more..

If I take one step closer to you, then you take two steps back.
I who love you am next to you now.
That woman is crying.


That woman now is very careful
Therefore, to learning a method of smile
Even can not talk with best friend … too much
So the woman’s heart is always crying
So that woman…is loving you…
Such a fool. 


Because it is such a fool
Can you hug me?
I also want to be loved, my dear
Day by day in my heart, only in my heart…
Just like this calling you

That woman, is still in your side
That woman… is me, do you know ?
Or You know it but still act like this ?
You really do not know,because you´re a big fool …

Go

This is going to be another celebration that I want to celebrate. I don't find raya the same as before. It hits me hard. I thought I've accepted my father's death but deep inside it hurts. Something that I wouldn't want to feel. The feeling of loss. There are so much I want to share but somehow I don't know to write out how I feel inside. I don't want to fall apart. I'm trying to pick up myself. I'd like to walk away from everything. Everytime I look at those meds I have, I intended to just swallow it all and never wake up. I don't know how long I can bare the pain that I've buried inside.

I just don't know.

I just want to go.

Remember Me This Way

Remember me as the way I once lived. I've changed in so many ways. I am here because of you. I am breathing because you never gave up on me. When you left, nothing is the same anymore. Even when you leave for a little while.

Remember me as I was once alive. I hope I've touched your heart, life and soul. I may have hurt you in a way, but remember that I've always apologize and will apologize until I stopped breathing. Even when you leave for a while, I'm sorry if I've hurt you in so many ways I never meant to.

Remember me as a girl who loved life, beauty and can't take any pressure. I am fragile. I am vulnerable. I stayed strong because you gave me strength. Even when things fall apart, I feel safe in your arms. I am alive because of you.

Remember me when you miss me. Remember me when you're sad. Remember me when you're alone. I am always with you no matter what. Near, far, wherever you are, remember me.

Remember me as a girl who loves you and never stop loving you and sorry for everytime she has let you down.

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found

Remember me this way - Zara Ismail

Music of My Heart..

You'll never know
What you've done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul...

You'll never know
The gift you've given me..
I'll carry it with me

Through the days ahead
I think of days before
You made me hope for something better (yes you did)
And made me reach for something more

You were the one
Always on my side
Always standing by
Seeing me through

You were the song that always made me sing
I'm singing this for you

Everywhere I go
I think of where I've been
And of the one who knew me better
Than anyone ever will again

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love...
Is the music of my heart.. 

You're the music of my heart sayang.. 

I'm the luckiest girl to have you as my bestfriend..

Thank you for everything..

love always,

Zara Ismail

Written. Read. Judged

Writing has always not been my skill, nor anything else. Yet, I still write to let out how I feel inside. Writing is very therapeutic, but, writing about real life even if we changed their names or given whatever nicknames, people still can see through your material. 

Some people believe in writing and some people believe what they see with their own eyes. What people doesn't know is what's going on in someone's mind or heart. I write what's on my mind and how I feel from the heart. People can simply judge who I am. Especially my weaknesses. Even my loved ones said it too. 

I write to share what I've been through, to inspire, to guide who ever reads this. Sharing is caring. I've tried to be a writer yet it went half way. I think I'm better off writing what I've experienced. I'm good at it. Please continue reading my blog. I hope I've inspired or touched peoples life. Have a nice weekend. Thanks for taking your time to read.

love always,
Zara Ismail

Sad Eyes

I just found out that my former best friend of 17 years are getting married. Where am I? Still not knowing my futures like. I'm happy for her because she found someone who is ready to commit and love her as she is. Where else me, I'm still stumbling down the road, looking for mr right and stabilised my life, and financially. 

Honestly when I heard the news, my heart felt so happy and sad. Happy to know after all these years, she's finally found someone perfect for her. Sad because, we fell apart and I'm no longer part of her life. To make it worse, my chenta is leaving me too. How can I coped with this? Knowing my dad is no longer around to talk to. It's pretty hard for me. I can put up a fake smile, live life as I used to? wake up, work, sleep? Everyday, same routine?

I've never felt this lonely. All the people that I loved most are leaving me. I can't hold on to them forever. 

"Memories can fade but not scars..."

Hope for Someone..

The best thing about being in a relationship is to feel loved and needed and importantly, being complete. There's purpose in life. If you ever notice, people who isn't in a relationship most of the time they made themselves busy with their hobby or work. If, not, they'll be staying all alone. Do you want to come back to an empty place? Having a pet is just another substitute. Love is important to everyone. It keeps you alive. When you don't have that love inside of you, you're a robot.

Love can be a disaster too. Depends on how you show the love. Don't be obsessed or possessive. That's not love. Jealous? it's good to feel it but just don't let it control you.

Nowadays, I've observed my loved ones relationships, including mine. Our generation do not understand the meaning of real love. What is real love?

For me, I've observed my parents unconditionally love. They love each other no matter what their flaws are like. They stick through ups and downs. For better and worse, til death do them part. That's true love. They commit with each there irregardlessly how bad either one's condition and characteristic

For example, my mother is one of the most patience lady I've came to know. How she deal with my hot tempered father til the end of his last breath. They managed to celebrated their 28th anniversary before he passed away 3 days of syawal.

During the past few weeks before my dad passed away, he has admitted what he has done wrong to her and to tell her, she's the best wife he has married to. To be patient with him, to take care of him day and night while he was sick, to bath him when he can't walk (paralysed for a year), to give birth to me. Even when there were other women came by an offered to be his second wife, he truly declined. He doesn't want to make those mistakes as he did in the past. He also reminded my mom not to remarried as in our religious, the last wife will be the fairy that'll accompany him on the other side.

My mother is a very strong woman. I only see her shed tears once, at my dad's grave during first day of raya. All she said, he's happier there. When I asked her, don't you ever miss him? All she answered, "I pray for him everyday.." and that's enough.

I'd like to have that love. The love that my parents had. Someday..

Love Hurts

My friend has made me write what I need and want in and from a relationship. Truth is, I wanted a fairy tale ending or something close to it. (I'm a sucker for romance). Being in a relationship or having one is very important to me. It made me feel complete and whole. It made me stronger and I see life very beautiful, though most of my relationship was fake, major fucked up.

Comes along the perfect guy for me. Eccentric and Smart. Unfortunately, he doesn't see nor feel what I had seen and felt it, and I love him unconditionally, until now. It has been 4 years and no one has ever made an impression how this guy did. How he turned my world upside down, an adventure for better and worse. Even though we're not together now, I still feel lucky to have him by my side. Words could not describe.

Recently, a friend of mine had a bad break up. Listening to his story made me feel sadder. Not because they broke up, but because man like my friend is not easy to come by. To give his love, heart wholly to her. I trully know how he felt, because, I too, gave my heart wholly to a man. Yet, I was rejected.

It is true, you can never get what you want. For me, to grow old and have a beautiful life together. 

Tragedy.

If my time is up, I'd pray to die in the arms of my other half, how my dad passed away in my mother's arms.

True love.

A Letter to My Babies

Dearest beloved babies,

I wrote you this letter to let you know that I seek for forgiveness. I’ve never had the guts to say it to all of you because I’m disappointed with myself. I have the best friends in the world that has been there for me through ups and downs for the past year. I could have never gone through without your support and guidance. I’ve not been myself since my dad has passed away. I could never talk to any of you. All you see me being strong was only an act that I’ve managed to show it. I was too afraid. I am still. You’ve seen me being vulnerable when I was left by someone who means the world to me. You’ve seen me going jobless and all I had was zero cents in my account.

I’m very very sorry for going away far too long. All I wanted was to prove to all of you that I could go through this without your help. I’ve always looked up each and every one of you. All of you have been very success in life, accomplish most of the things you want in life. I have none. I don’t envy but I was very disappointed. Disappointed, worrying when will my time come. Everytime when I’m with you, I feel like I don’t fit in but you guys never give up on me.

You all have supported me; walk with me through my unlucky journey. Here I am, thanking each and every one of you after realizing, I was lucky. Lucky to know each and every one of you. I’m sorry again and all of you mean the world to me. I hope and pray that we shall be friends as long as we live. I won’t say forever because forever is a lie.

Missing you,

Zara Ismail 

Now and Forever More

To my beloved and most important man in my life,

I've always loved you and I know I've done my mistakes. I've never felt so strong how I feel towards you. I know we've been around each other far too long. I've never once regretted it. Even if I said, "I wish I've never met you..", I was lying. I'm thankful every moment we were together. Even we are apart right now, you're still in my heart, my mind and soul. Always and forever be..

Love always,
a girl who will never stop loving you.

Where The Road Meets The Sun

It's been awhile I haven't blog. I don't even miss it. I've been taking my own sweet time to analyze what has happened since my first and the last public break down on twitter.

Twitter is so evil~

It's not Twitter honestly. It's me who has issues and just want to let out my feelings like I always do in blog as well. Apparently, it's not funny. I'm showing my weaknesses publicly. Finally, after restraining myself, i managed to cut down my tweets and blog about my feelings. I was not in the right state of mind.

I used to think blogging about your life wholely and let others to read was therapeutic. It was. I have to admit so, but on certain levels only. I guess, I'm learning slowly and through the hard way.

I still have issues to settle. Who doesn't? But I'm dealing it on my own way right now. Still trying to restrain myself. Nothing is easy..

I hope my readers and fellow friends won't stop reading my blog. I will still keep on blogging but not to an extend to humilliate myself. I've finally seen the sunlight.

Take care and thanks for reading.

xx
Zara Ismail

No One Knows But Me

Another day of relapsed.

Missing my dad.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I push aside my worries, more comes in the way. I'm beyond words than crazy. It's killing me. I don't think I can't take it. Here I am crying, wishing things are back to before my dad's passing. Am I selfish to think that way? I don't know how to take this responsibilities. I always screw things up. Can I do this? I'm tired of being dependant on anyone. For once, I want to stand on my own two feet.

Funny when I can't say it out loud to people but I can easily blog about it.

I just want my bestfriend back.

Unfortunately, God loves him more. Times like this, he always know what to say to me. This is the most difficult part.

I don't think I can take these right now. I'm too fragile. 

The One With Candy Hearts

As we grow older, we tend to lose a lot of people in our lives.. Especially those who are very dear to us. Losing doesn't mean that we argue and they just walk away from us. Losing means death, grow apart, marriage, family, work and many more factors.

I've been a social butterfly since god knows when. I love making friends. Each and every year, ever since I could remember, I'll make new friends and lose the old ones. I don't treat them like high school kids. We moved on. I decided to blog about friendship today because to tell you the truth, I miss my dearest friends. Those who has been there for me. I wish I could list down the names, but I've decided to leave it as anonymous. They know who they are.

I find it hard to accept at first that we're not seeing each other anymore, but I've realized that we're not getting any younger and true friends will always be there for you when you need them the most. They will always support you no matter how. I've lost a lot of friends a long the way. These friends of mine that I really miss most, I shall keep them close to my heart.

I no longer have one bestfriend, I have sisters and brothers. 

I miss us, babies.

The last time I felt this way was with my 17 years of friendship. Even though ours are fairly new, but I've never been this close to anyone. I hope you all are well.

"True friends are the people who are there for you unconditionally. They are the people who never question you and support you no matter what the circumstances are. They are the people worth living for."

Love always,
Zara Ismail.

Shadows of Ourselves

Choices choices choices.

We always have to make choices in our daily life. Most of us makes the wrong choices but we learned our mistakes with a blink of an eye.

Today, I've questioned myself over and over again am I doing the right thing, making the right choices. Yet, I have no answer for it. I've been staying on my own far too long. Ever since I finished high school. Yes, I'll go back now and then to my parents' place but it will only be for one or two nights. I did stay with them for a year or two but I'm used to it, being on my own.

Now that my father has passed away, I've requested my mom to move in with my uncle. He has a spare room. I don't want her to stay on her own alone. She did for the last 4 months. Trust me, I was so worried about her but unfortunately, I made a choice to let her be on her own and me still living on my own in the city. Am I selfish? You can tell me the truth.

Now she has moved to the city, but I haven't make time to go and see her. What kind of a daughter am I? I still call her but not as often as before. I somehow enjoy the quietness in my life but I feel bad. She's the only parent I have left but I'm still on my own. I don't make time for her. Honestly, I have all the time in the world right now but I realized I'm making excuses.

Shouldn't I make this sacrifice? She's all that I have. Why won't I just stay with her? There are a lot of "what ifs" playing on my mind and I don't want any regrets anymore. I'd love to spend every minute with her but at the same time I'd love this life on my own.

Perhaps I know the answer but I want to hear it from someone. No, it's not perhaps. I do have the answer but I chose to look the other way. I am selfish.

Oh dear heart, please listen to what head is saying. For once, do it right. No more regrets. You definitely do not want to look back and say, "I should've spend more time with her.".

This is me now. I have conversations in my head with myself.

I hope I'm not crazy.

What If This Storms Ends?

Somehow, I've decided to retire as a dramaqueen. People were questioning me why. People will say, I shall not be me again. Guess it has been my trademark all these while.

I've been a dramaqueen for the past almost 27 years. I was borned as a dramaqueen. I love the dramas in my life. I love the spotlight on me. I love being the centre of the attraction. When I made the announcement declaring myself as a dramaqueen retiree, friends and family were questioning.

Here is why:-

• The dramas in my life doesn't bring me any good.
• It was fun but somehow it sucked the life out of me
• I was becoming an emo bitch that no one could stand (even myself)
• I became desperate for attention when no one is entertaining me
• I have lost a lot of friends a long the way
• I have lost myself.

I'm sick and tired of it. I'm a 27 years old (not that young anymore) and I should take my life seriously. I would love to play around still but I think I shall rewad myself when the time comes. Yes, I'm going to be a very boring person.

Might never know how it turn out to be. I've lived my life in storms. I would love peace and quiet. Live a simple life. Let's see how does it goes. When it does, the memories of who I was will be a distant echo.

Life is an adventure, dare it. - Mother Teresa

Go Easy Little Doves, I'll Be Fine

It's been awhile I haven't blog.

I don't even know where to start.

I'm very lonely lately. I don't know why do I feel like that. Perhaps it has been a very quiet month (since there hasn't any job/events going on) and I have a place on my own again. I have a lot of time to think. I hate it when my mind wanders around the quiet and dark universe. It's like a little kid going to the playground at night. Dangerous, no?

I've relapsed uncountable times. I thought I could accept the facts that my dad has passed away and no longer around. Unfortunately, it takes time. All these while I've been channeling my sadness through work. I don't have to think about it. I was too afraid to accept that my knight in shining amor is no longer around. Now, that I have a lot of time to think about it, I had my regrets. Lots of it. At one point, I was beating myself too hard that I didn't even visit his grave nor come back home to my mother. I went away.

Everytime I head back home to my mother, I will always be very quiet and lock in my own room. It felt strange to go home where he was always there. Until the 100th day he passed away, I really broke down and cried.

There are 2 important men in my life right now, one is still my ex (you all know who am I talking about) and the other is my boss-slash-my-brother-from-another-parents (no blood ties nor through marriage. He has been a very good friend whom I call family now). They have been very supportive of me. That day, they sort of gave me an "ultimatum".

They told me, there are reasons why my late father used to tell me, " Do not cry when I'm not around anymore". I understood what they were trying to tell me. I don't know how long I would still need time on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm "running away" from reality. I "ran away" from my mom, my family, my siblings, and my friends.

I always thought I could've done more for him. I did. I was there when he needed me the most. I took care of him when no one could. I may not fulfilled his wishes but I did alright. I came out alright. No matter how, I remember where I'm from. He has taught me well. The only wish I didn't fulfill was to be hand away when I'm married. He had a plan. He wanted me to get married. I was so heartbroken at that time and I couldn't accept his idea. All I had was my love for my ex. I could not love anyone else like I loved him. My father understood.

That will always be the saddest day of my life when I get married. My father won't be there to see me walking hand in hand with my husband to be. Not that I have any candidates in mind right now. I do want to get married. Someday. Have a family with someone I know I could spend my life with until the day I die. I'd love that. Unfortunately, I'm too scared to get married. Seeing someone close to me been cheated and go through hell. Unfortunately, I still love my ex, and no one (for now) could be any better than him. Perhaps I never gave anyone chances, but I do believe my time will come.

I've always envy people being so happy. I think I've lost that since my father's passing. I am happy but it is not as before. I've always read my old blog post, "Picture Almost Perfect". That will always bring tears to my eyes.

I don't know even know what I want to sy here anymore.

I'm happy with my job.
I'm happy that I'm in good terms with my ex.

Yet, it's not the same. My biggest puzzle in my life is now gone. I just have to get use to it.

Please go easy on me.. I know I'll be fine..

"I'd trade all my tommorows for a single yesterday." - Janis Joplin

Fairy tales

Have you ever fall in love and you knew you loved that person way before you met them? Have you?

Well, I did. I fell for someone a long time ago. I knew it sounds crazy but that's the truth. I've always wanted to be with that somebody but I didn't know when or how. When I finally meet that guy, I knew it was right. Both head and heart was agreeing it with me. I've met tons of men. Dated most of them, and no one can make me feel how right it was.

It felt surreal. It felt like I was dreaming.. and I don't ever want to wake up. Reality slaps you in the face. Actually, reality slapped me real hard. Nothing in life comes as easy as we thought it would be. I had to work on it. Learning my mistakes over and over. No relationship is as perfect as a fairy tale.

I'm the type of girl (I'd like to call myself as a girl not just a lady. I'm 26 years old now and yes, I do have that little girl in me) who believes in fairy tale, love, happy ending. The hardest part was to face reality and grow up. When I met this boy (he is a boy at heart), he was that guy I fell for before I met him. Now, he is a grown man. I'm proud to call him as a man because he grew up. He had taught me a lot of things and he has been my guardian angel.

It's true that it's hard to admit that we're wrong. I did. I admitted my mistakes. All I wanted was to make him as how me made me. He completes me. We're only human and we tend to make mistakes most of the time. Different new ones. Me? I kept on repeating it. It took me awhile to realize it, to admit it, to talk about it. I think what I've told him on the eve of 2011, was the right thing to do. I'm proud of myself to finally let it out.

Until now, I love him with all my heart. I don't know how he felt towards me besides cared about me. There's only thing I believe, I believe how and what I feel. And that feeling of loving that somebody and that person is right for you, is still there.

Just don't give up. Have faith. It'll come to that time.

Don't let go of love. Everyone is made for one another.

xx Zara Ismail xx

Remembrance

2010 has come to it's end. Another 3 days it's new year. A new year for me to go through it. 2010 has been very challenging for me. I was left on the eve of Valentine's Day, lived through 6 months with the support of my loved ones. With no job, I had to find a way to survive. Until one day in August, my beloved brother, Shamil Yusof rescued me from baking cookies for the entire year. He gave me a job that has always been my passion. I am now one of the Clockwork Events Sdn Bhd crew.

Handling my very own first award event, Nextgen Contentpreneur Awards 2010 was challenging but I've learned a lot from it. On September 6th, my beloved father passed away. That tore me into pieces that no one could ever imagine. Until now, I'm still hurting, trying to move on, and at the same time, my love, came back into my life. Even though we're not together, he has been there for me ever since. I would never regret what ever has happened before. This year has taught me a lot. Words could no describe.

I made new friends through Twitter. I'm thankful I met most of them during the Oct23rd TwtUp. I'm proud to be part of it. It was one of the biggest twtup in Malaysia. They all have given me strength and courage to go through situations, I imagined myself going through it all alone.

Goodbye 2010, may 2011 is a break through for my career, my future, my life. Amin.

"This song means the world to me right now. It gives me strength" - Zara Ismail