That Woman

One woman loves you..
That woman loves you wholeheartedly
She follows you around like a shadow everyday
That woman is laughing and crying...


Just how much more do I have to gaze at you alone?
This love that came like the wind, 
This love like a beggar.
If I continue this way, will you love me?
Just come a little nearer..a little more..

If I take one step closer to you, then you take two steps back.
I who love you am next to you now.
That woman is crying.


That woman now is very careful
Therefore, to learning a method of smile
Even can not talk with best friend … too much
So the woman’s heart is always crying
So that woman…is loving you…
Such a fool. 


Because it is such a fool
Can you hug me?
I also want to be loved, my dear
Day by day in my heart, only in my heart…
Just like this calling you

That woman, is still in your side
That woman… is me, do you know ?
Or You know it but still act like this ?
You really do not know,because you´re a big fool …

Go

This is going to be another celebration that I want to celebrate. I don't find raya the same as before. It hits me hard. I thought I've accepted my father's death but deep inside it hurts. Something that I wouldn't want to feel. The feeling of loss. There are so much I want to share but somehow I don't know to write out how I feel inside. I don't want to fall apart. I'm trying to pick up myself. I'd like to walk away from everything. Everytime I look at those meds I have, I intended to just swallow it all and never wake up. I don't know how long I can bare the pain that I've buried inside.

I just don't know.

I just want to go.

Remember Me This Way

Remember me as the way I once lived. I've changed in so many ways. I am here because of you. I am breathing because you never gave up on me. When you left, nothing is the same anymore. Even when you leave for a little while.

Remember me as I was once alive. I hope I've touched your heart, life and soul. I may have hurt you in a way, but remember that I've always apologize and will apologize until I stopped breathing. Even when you leave for a while, I'm sorry if I've hurt you in so many ways I never meant to.

Remember me as a girl who loved life, beauty and can't take any pressure. I am fragile. I am vulnerable. I stayed strong because you gave me strength. Even when things fall apart, I feel safe in your arms. I am alive because of you.

Remember me when you miss me. Remember me when you're sad. Remember me when you're alone. I am always with you no matter what. Near, far, wherever you are, remember me.

Remember me as a girl who loves you and never stop loving you and sorry for everytime she has let you down.

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found

Remember me this way - Zara Ismail

Music of My Heart..

You'll never know
What you've done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul...

You'll never know
The gift you've given me..
I'll carry it with me

Through the days ahead
I think of days before
You made me hope for something better (yes you did)
And made me reach for something more

You were the one
Always on my side
Always standing by
Seeing me through

You were the song that always made me sing
I'm singing this for you

Everywhere I go
I think of where I've been
And of the one who knew me better
Than anyone ever will again

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love...
Is the music of my heart.. 

You're the music of my heart sayang.. 

I'm the luckiest girl to have you as my bestfriend..

Thank you for everything..

love always,

Zara Ismail

Written. Read. Judged

Writing has always not been my skill, nor anything else. Yet, I still write to let out how I feel inside. Writing is very therapeutic, but, writing about real life even if we changed their names or given whatever nicknames, people still can see through your material. 

Some people believe in writing and some people believe what they see with their own eyes. What people doesn't know is what's going on in someone's mind or heart. I write what's on my mind and how I feel from the heart. People can simply judge who I am. Especially my weaknesses. Even my loved ones said it too. 

I write to share what I've been through, to inspire, to guide who ever reads this. Sharing is caring. I've tried to be a writer yet it went half way. I think I'm better off writing what I've experienced. I'm good at it. Please continue reading my blog. I hope I've inspired or touched peoples life. Have a nice weekend. Thanks for taking your time to read.

love always,
Zara Ismail

Sad Eyes

I just found out that my former best friend of 17 years are getting married. Where am I? Still not knowing my futures like. I'm happy for her because she found someone who is ready to commit and love her as she is. Where else me, I'm still stumbling down the road, looking for mr right and stabilised my life, and financially. 

Honestly when I heard the news, my heart felt so happy and sad. Happy to know after all these years, she's finally found someone perfect for her. Sad because, we fell apart and I'm no longer part of her life. To make it worse, my chenta is leaving me too. How can I coped with this? Knowing my dad is no longer around to talk to. It's pretty hard for me. I can put up a fake smile, live life as I used to? wake up, work, sleep? Everyday, same routine?

I've never felt this lonely. All the people that I loved most are leaving me. I can't hold on to them forever. 

"Memories can fade but not scars..."

Hope for Someone..

The best thing about being in a relationship is to feel loved and needed and importantly, being complete. There's purpose in life. If you ever notice, people who isn't in a relationship most of the time they made themselves busy with their hobby or work. If, not, they'll be staying all alone. Do you want to come back to an empty place? Having a pet is just another substitute. Love is important to everyone. It keeps you alive. When you don't have that love inside of you, you're a robot.

Love can be a disaster too. Depends on how you show the love. Don't be obsessed or possessive. That's not love. Jealous? it's good to feel it but just don't let it control you.

Nowadays, I've observed my loved ones relationships, including mine. Our generation do not understand the meaning of real love. What is real love?

For me, I've observed my parents unconditionally love. They love each other no matter what their flaws are like. They stick through ups and downs. For better and worse, til death do them part. That's true love. They commit with each there irregardlessly how bad either one's condition and characteristic

For example, my mother is one of the most patience lady I've came to know. How she deal with my hot tempered father til the end of his last breath. They managed to celebrated their 28th anniversary before he passed away 3 days of syawal.

During the past few weeks before my dad passed away, he has admitted what he has done wrong to her and to tell her, she's the best wife he has married to. To be patient with him, to take care of him day and night while he was sick, to bath him when he can't walk (paralysed for a year), to give birth to me. Even when there were other women came by an offered to be his second wife, he truly declined. He doesn't want to make those mistakes as he did in the past. He also reminded my mom not to remarried as in our religious, the last wife will be the fairy that'll accompany him on the other side.

My mother is a very strong woman. I only see her shed tears once, at my dad's grave during first day of raya. All she said, he's happier there. When I asked her, don't you ever miss him? All she answered, "I pray for him everyday.." and that's enough.

I'd like to have that love. The love that my parents had. Someday..

Love Hurts

My friend has made me write what I need and want in and from a relationship. Truth is, I wanted a fairy tale ending or something close to it. (I'm a sucker for romance). Being in a relationship or having one is very important to me. It made me feel complete and whole. It made me stronger and I see life very beautiful, though most of my relationship was fake, major fucked up.

Comes along the perfect guy for me. Eccentric and Smart. Unfortunately, he doesn't see nor feel what I had seen and felt it, and I love him unconditionally, until now. It has been 4 years and no one has ever made an impression how this guy did. How he turned my world upside down, an adventure for better and worse. Even though we're not together now, I still feel lucky to have him by my side. Words could not describe.

Recently, a friend of mine had a bad break up. Listening to his story made me feel sadder. Not because they broke up, but because man like my friend is not easy to come by. To give his love, heart wholly to her. I trully know how he felt, because, I too, gave my heart wholly to a man. Yet, I was rejected.

It is true, you can never get what you want. For me, to grow old and have a beautiful life together. 

Tragedy.

If my time is up, I'd pray to die in the arms of my other half, how my dad passed away in my mother's arms.

True love.

A Letter to My Babies

Dearest beloved babies,

I wrote you this letter to let you know that I seek for forgiveness. I’ve never had the guts to say it to all of you because I’m disappointed with myself. I have the best friends in the world that has been there for me through ups and downs for the past year. I could have never gone through without your support and guidance. I’ve not been myself since my dad has passed away. I could never talk to any of you. All you see me being strong was only an act that I’ve managed to show it. I was too afraid. I am still. You’ve seen me being vulnerable when I was left by someone who means the world to me. You’ve seen me going jobless and all I had was zero cents in my account.

I’m very very sorry for going away far too long. All I wanted was to prove to all of you that I could go through this without your help. I’ve always looked up each and every one of you. All of you have been very success in life, accomplish most of the things you want in life. I have none. I don’t envy but I was very disappointed. Disappointed, worrying when will my time come. Everytime when I’m with you, I feel like I don’t fit in but you guys never give up on me.

You all have supported me; walk with me through my unlucky journey. Here I am, thanking each and every one of you after realizing, I was lucky. Lucky to know each and every one of you. I’m sorry again and all of you mean the world to me. I hope and pray that we shall be friends as long as we live. I won’t say forever because forever is a lie.

Missing you,

Zara Ismail 

Now and Forever More

To my beloved and most important man in my life,

I've always loved you and I know I've done my mistakes. I've never felt so strong how I feel towards you. I know we've been around each other far too long. I've never once regretted it. Even if I said, "I wish I've never met you..", I was lying. I'm thankful every moment we were together. Even we are apart right now, you're still in my heart, my mind and soul. Always and forever be..

Love always,
a girl who will never stop loving you.

Where The Road Meets The Sun

It's been awhile I haven't blog. I don't even miss it. I've been taking my own sweet time to analyze what has happened since my first and the last public break down on twitter.

Twitter is so evil~

It's not Twitter honestly. It's me who has issues and just want to let out my feelings like I always do in blog as well. Apparently, it's not funny. I'm showing my weaknesses publicly. Finally, after restraining myself, i managed to cut down my tweets and blog about my feelings. I was not in the right state of mind.

I used to think blogging about your life wholely and let others to read was therapeutic. It was. I have to admit so, but on certain levels only. I guess, I'm learning slowly and through the hard way.

I still have issues to settle. Who doesn't? But I'm dealing it on my own way right now. Still trying to restrain myself. Nothing is easy..

I hope my readers and fellow friends won't stop reading my blog. I will still keep on blogging but not to an extend to humilliate myself. I've finally seen the sunlight.

Take care and thanks for reading.

xx
Zara Ismail

No One Knows But Me

Another day of relapsed.

Missing my dad.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I push aside my worries, more comes in the way. I'm beyond words than crazy. It's killing me. I don't think I can't take it. Here I am crying, wishing things are back to before my dad's passing. Am I selfish to think that way? I don't know how to take this responsibilities. I always screw things up. Can I do this? I'm tired of being dependant on anyone. For once, I want to stand on my own two feet.

Funny when I can't say it out loud to people but I can easily blog about it.

I just want my bestfriend back.

Unfortunately, God loves him more. Times like this, he always know what to say to me. This is the most difficult part.

I don't think I can take these right now. I'm too fragile. 

The One With Candy Hearts

As we grow older, we tend to lose a lot of people in our lives.. Especially those who are very dear to us. Losing doesn't mean that we argue and they just walk away from us. Losing means death, grow apart, marriage, family, work and many more factors.

I've been a social butterfly since god knows when. I love making friends. Each and every year, ever since I could remember, I'll make new friends and lose the old ones. I don't treat them like high school kids. We moved on. I decided to blog about friendship today because to tell you the truth, I miss my dearest friends. Those who has been there for me. I wish I could list down the names, but I've decided to leave it as anonymous. They know who they are.

I find it hard to accept at first that we're not seeing each other anymore, but I've realized that we're not getting any younger and true friends will always be there for you when you need them the most. They will always support you no matter how. I've lost a lot of friends a long the way. These friends of mine that I really miss most, I shall keep them close to my heart.

I no longer have one bestfriend, I have sisters and brothers. 

I miss us, babies.

The last time I felt this way was with my 17 years of friendship. Even though ours are fairly new, but I've never been this close to anyone. I hope you all are well.

"True friends are the people who are there for you unconditionally. They are the people who never question you and support you no matter what the circumstances are. They are the people worth living for."

Love always,
Zara Ismail.

Shadows of Ourselves

Choices choices choices.

We always have to make choices in our daily life. Most of us makes the wrong choices but we learned our mistakes with a blink of an eye.

Today, I've questioned myself over and over again am I doing the right thing, making the right choices. Yet, I have no answer for it. I've been staying on my own far too long. Ever since I finished high school. Yes, I'll go back now and then to my parents' place but it will only be for one or two nights. I did stay with them for a year or two but I'm used to it, being on my own.

Now that my father has passed away, I've requested my mom to move in with my uncle. He has a spare room. I don't want her to stay on her own alone. She did for the last 4 months. Trust me, I was so worried about her but unfortunately, I made a choice to let her be on her own and me still living on my own in the city. Am I selfish? You can tell me the truth.

Now she has moved to the city, but I haven't make time to go and see her. What kind of a daughter am I? I still call her but not as often as before. I somehow enjoy the quietness in my life but I feel bad. She's the only parent I have left but I'm still on my own. I don't make time for her. Honestly, I have all the time in the world right now but I realized I'm making excuses.

Shouldn't I make this sacrifice? She's all that I have. Why won't I just stay with her? There are a lot of "what ifs" playing on my mind and I don't want any regrets anymore. I'd love to spend every minute with her but at the same time I'd love this life on my own.

Perhaps I know the answer but I want to hear it from someone. No, it's not perhaps. I do have the answer but I chose to look the other way. I am selfish.

Oh dear heart, please listen to what head is saying. For once, do it right. No more regrets. You definitely do not want to look back and say, "I should've spend more time with her.".

This is me now. I have conversations in my head with myself.

I hope I'm not crazy.

What If This Storms Ends?

Somehow, I've decided to retire as a dramaqueen. People were questioning me why. People will say, I shall not be me again. Guess it has been my trademark all these while.

I've been a dramaqueen for the past almost 27 years. I was borned as a dramaqueen. I love the dramas in my life. I love the spotlight on me. I love being the centre of the attraction. When I made the announcement declaring myself as a dramaqueen retiree, friends and family were questioning.

Here is why:-

• The dramas in my life doesn't bring me any good.
• It was fun but somehow it sucked the life out of me
• I was becoming an emo bitch that no one could stand (even myself)
• I became desperate for attention when no one is entertaining me
• I have lost a lot of friends a long the way
• I have lost myself.

I'm sick and tired of it. I'm a 27 years old (not that young anymore) and I should take my life seriously. I would love to play around still but I think I shall rewad myself when the time comes. Yes, I'm going to be a very boring person.

Might never know how it turn out to be. I've lived my life in storms. I would love peace and quiet. Live a simple life. Let's see how does it goes. When it does, the memories of who I was will be a distant echo.

Life is an adventure, dare it. - Mother Teresa

Go Easy Little Doves, I'll Be Fine

It's been awhile I haven't blog.

I don't even know where to start.

I'm very lonely lately. I don't know why do I feel like that. Perhaps it has been a very quiet month (since there hasn't any job/events going on) and I have a place on my own again. I have a lot of time to think. I hate it when my mind wanders around the quiet and dark universe. It's like a little kid going to the playground at night. Dangerous, no?

I've relapsed uncountable times. I thought I could accept the facts that my dad has passed away and no longer around. Unfortunately, it takes time. All these while I've been channeling my sadness through work. I don't have to think about it. I was too afraid to accept that my knight in shining amor is no longer around. Now, that I have a lot of time to think about it, I had my regrets. Lots of it. At one point, I was beating myself too hard that I didn't even visit his grave nor come back home to my mother. I went away.

Everytime I head back home to my mother, I will always be very quiet and lock in my own room. It felt strange to go home where he was always there. Until the 100th day he passed away, I really broke down and cried.

There are 2 important men in my life right now, one is still my ex (you all know who am I talking about) and the other is my boss-slash-my-brother-from-another-parents (no blood ties nor through marriage. He has been a very good friend whom I call family now). They have been very supportive of me. That day, they sort of gave me an "ultimatum".

They told me, there are reasons why my late father used to tell me, " Do not cry when I'm not around anymore". I understood what they were trying to tell me. I don't know how long I would still need time on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm "running away" from reality. I "ran away" from my mom, my family, my siblings, and my friends.

I always thought I could've done more for him. I did. I was there when he needed me the most. I took care of him when no one could. I may not fulfilled his wishes but I did alright. I came out alright. No matter how, I remember where I'm from. He has taught me well. The only wish I didn't fulfill was to be hand away when I'm married. He had a plan. He wanted me to get married. I was so heartbroken at that time and I couldn't accept his idea. All I had was my love for my ex. I could not love anyone else like I loved him. My father understood.

That will always be the saddest day of my life when I get married. My father won't be there to see me walking hand in hand with my husband to be. Not that I have any candidates in mind right now. I do want to get married. Someday. Have a family with someone I know I could spend my life with until the day I die. I'd love that. Unfortunately, I'm too scared to get married. Seeing someone close to me been cheated and go through hell. Unfortunately, I still love my ex, and no one (for now) could be any better than him. Perhaps I never gave anyone chances, but I do believe my time will come.

I've always envy people being so happy. I think I've lost that since my father's passing. I am happy but it is not as before. I've always read my old blog post, "Picture Almost Perfect". That will always bring tears to my eyes.

I don't know even know what I want to sy here anymore.

I'm happy with my job.
I'm happy that I'm in good terms with my ex.

Yet, it's not the same. My biggest puzzle in my life is now gone. I just have to get use to it.

Please go easy on me.. I know I'll be fine..

"I'd trade all my tommorows for a single yesterday." - Janis Joplin

Fairy tales

Have you ever fall in love and you knew you loved that person way before you met them? Have you?

Well, I did. I fell for someone a long time ago. I knew it sounds crazy but that's the truth. I've always wanted to be with that somebody but I didn't know when or how. When I finally meet that guy, I knew it was right. Both head and heart was agreeing it with me. I've met tons of men. Dated most of them, and no one can make me feel how right it was.

It felt surreal. It felt like I was dreaming.. and I don't ever want to wake up. Reality slaps you in the face. Actually, reality slapped me real hard. Nothing in life comes as easy as we thought it would be. I had to work on it. Learning my mistakes over and over. No relationship is as perfect as a fairy tale.

I'm the type of girl (I'd like to call myself as a girl not just a lady. I'm 26 years old now and yes, I do have that little girl in me) who believes in fairy tale, love, happy ending. The hardest part was to face reality and grow up. When I met this boy (he is a boy at heart), he was that guy I fell for before I met him. Now, he is a grown man. I'm proud to call him as a man because he grew up. He had taught me a lot of things and he has been my guardian angel.

It's true that it's hard to admit that we're wrong. I did. I admitted my mistakes. All I wanted was to make him as how me made me. He completes me. We're only human and we tend to make mistakes most of the time. Different new ones. Me? I kept on repeating it. It took me awhile to realize it, to admit it, to talk about it. I think what I've told him on the eve of 2011, was the right thing to do. I'm proud of myself to finally let it out.

Until now, I love him with all my heart. I don't know how he felt towards me besides cared about me. There's only thing I believe, I believe how and what I feel. And that feeling of loving that somebody and that person is right for you, is still there.

Just don't give up. Have faith. It'll come to that time.

Don't let go of love. Everyone is made for one another.

xx Zara Ismail xx

Remembrance

2010 has come to it's end. Another 3 days it's new year. A new year for me to go through it. 2010 has been very challenging for me. I was left on the eve of Valentine's Day, lived through 6 months with the support of my loved ones. With no job, I had to find a way to survive. Until one day in August, my beloved brother, Shamil Yusof rescued me from baking cookies for the entire year. He gave me a job that has always been my passion. I am now one of the Clockwork Events Sdn Bhd crew.

Handling my very own first award event, Nextgen Contentpreneur Awards 2010 was challenging but I've learned a lot from it. On September 6th, my beloved father passed away. That tore me into pieces that no one could ever imagine. Until now, I'm still hurting, trying to move on, and at the same time, my love, came back into my life. Even though we're not together, he has been there for me ever since. I would never regret what ever has happened before. This year has taught me a lot. Words could no describe.

I made new friends through Twitter. I'm thankful I met most of them during the Oct23rd TwtUp. I'm proud to be part of it. It was one of the biggest twtup in Malaysia. They all have given me strength and courage to go through situations, I imagined myself going through it all alone.

Goodbye 2010, may 2011 is a break through for my career, my future, my life. Amin.

"This song means the world to me right now. It gives me strength" - Zara Ismail

Wreck Inside

I'm a wreck. An emotional wreck. I always put up a smile on my face and says, "Everything is alright." or " I'm fine.". Truth is I'm not. I've never been. People calls me a dramaqueen because I love the dramas in my life. I don't. No one truly knows how I feel except for myself and God. I can only let it out when it comes to twitter or blog but not to personally to a real person.

I'm not strong enough to face everything. I'm sad that I'm hurting again. I smiled because I don't want to lose it because I know I'm losing it sometime real soon. I didn't walk away because it's too hard for me. So, I kept everything to myself. I kept my worries, my hurts, my fears inside.

I don't want to hurt anyone I love and care most. I decided to keep it all in or runaway. I love them too much it's killing me. I don't know how to be selfish. I told everyone that I am but I'm not. I can't. I don't want to see them hurting. Not one single bit. I always pray for a light to show me the way to happiness, but it seems He is still testing me. So, I stand on my ground. Go through all  the test. Whenever I'm about to fall and break into pieces now, I thought of what my late father said, "He's testing you because He knows you can go through it."

I kept my promise. I stand on my ground but I'm only human. How long more can I take?

I wished you'd see me how wrecked I am but I forgot, where I stand. I forgot who am I to you.

I'm not gonna apologize for how I felt because I am me. Accept me for who I am.

The Truth

It's been awhile I blog. Last night I finally broke down, yet, no one manage to see it. I tried so hard to be as strong as my mom. I couldn't. I miss my dad so badly. At times, when I dialed my dad's number, I wish it was him that would pick up the phone. I miss talking to him. I miss coming back home to him. I just miss him too much that it hurts inside.

I am thankful my mom is still around but, for how long? Whenever she sleeps, I just stare at her, to make sure she's still breathing. I've lost my dad, I can't afford to lose my mom. I guess it's one of those days I'm feeling so down.

I just wish things were back to normal. Everyone lives. I could never get over the facts that dad has left us. As much as I would like to celebrate his life, part of me died with I received the news of his death. My life would never be the same, without him.

"I miss you pa.. I really do."

Special Kind of Thank You

Through thick and thin you've sticked by me,
You understood,
Without you there,
I would never coped the problems on my own.

Friends come and go,
People like you are hard to find,
Anyone I've ever know,
Couldn't compare to the love that you've shown,
I've always know,
How lucky I am to have you here besides me,

Here I am,
Saying thank you.. 
Deep down from my sincere heart.

Much Love,

Zara Ismail

my beloved orang lama

 my abang bo gondol

my acem

 my ampang clan

 my clockwork crew

 my beloved sisters

 my babies

 my chucky

 my partner in crime

my joker

A Man I called Papa

Papa left us 3 days before Syawal arrived. The day that I published "Picture Almost Perfect", the day I knew things were too good to be true. I would never forget the phone called I received from mama, 7.42pm, 6th September 2010, "Aizura, come back now, papa has passed away..".

I broke down. The first person I called was Danial. Then my siblings. I couldn't believe what I've just heard. It was the most heartbreaking news ever in my entire life. I was in shocked because half an hour before I received the news, I was texting with him, discussing about raya. I was just with him for 2 nights at Mantin and left day before he passed away. I took my parents out, pushed him on his wheel chair. The last I remembered, he kissed me like he would never see me again before I headed back to KL. 

Papa has been one of the best father, great man I've ever known. Though we always have our disagreements, I've always been a daddy's girl. The man I normally cry to, where I can lean and share my worries with him. He has always been a strong man. Papa is an honest man. I remembered I gave him to hold me an old five ringgit note, and he still has it in his wallet. Papa might be fierce, but I know it was for the best to all of us. 

Until now, I can't stop these tears. I know I have not provided him the best nor be the best daughter any father would have asked for, but I did my best, and i'm thankful and grateful to know from mama that I made him happy during his last days. It has been 11 days, yet I felt it was yesterday he has passed. There are no regrets, just happiness I had with him. I shall celebrate his life, his joy, his happiness. 

Now, I'm taking up my responsibilities towards my mother. The only parent I have left.

I dedicate my life to you, papa.. Thank you for everything you've taught me. You've raised me well. Your passing is a blessing in disguise, May Allah place you in heaven, where all the angels are. InsyaAllah.

Ismail bin Hamzah ( 7th MAY 1951 - 6th SEPTEMBER 2010)

I LOVE YOU PAPA FOREVER AND ALWAYS

Al - Fatihah

Picture Almost Perfect

I've never been this happy. Everything fell apart with no reasons that I tried so hard to understand. Now, Alhamdulillah, things are falling back into pieces I never thought it would be. I'm happily married to my job now which I'm carrying massive responsibilties, time to spend with friends (and just realizing I made more new good friends!) makes this picture of my life almost perfect. I just realized I don't want to be in a relationship right now because I am having one with my job. This is my time to build my career. God gave me this chance and I'm going to prove to myself and use this opportunity to do so. The best part, I'm in talking terms with "orang lama" and I feel better now. No more grudge, I'm putting aside what happened in the past and open a new chapter. I am me, the new old me before I met "orang lama", who is very independant. and living on her own two feet. I'm a 26 years old young lady, who has dreams and will achieve those dreams. InsyaAllah. My life is almost perfect right now and I'm thankful for that. Alhamdulillah. Amin.

I <3 the new old me

"   Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfection... "

Scarred

The memories are rushing thru in my mind. Suddenly it brings me back to his place, his room. Where I lie on his bed and watching him staring at his pc. With his favorite song playing on the back, I smiled. It was such a lovely sight.

Tears streaming down my face without me noticing, until someone wiped it away..

N : Stop crying love..
Me : How can I? I'm still hurting..
N : I'm here for you..
Me : I know.. But he isn't. He's the only one who can take away the pain..
N ; Is he worth it?
Me : I fought for 3 years, isn't it good enough?
N : What does your heart says?
Me : It was worth it, and it is still..
N : Waiting?
Me : Who else can fix this?
N : Yourself.
Me : Take years..
N : Take all the time you need.. For now, try to let go..
Me : If I don't want to?
N : You'll lose yourself..

Why is it so hard to let go? It's already gone. Damaged. It's scarred forever. Wound is so deep that nothing can heal it. They say time, but the longer it is, the deeper it'll get. I don't know how to treat this wound. It's like pouring acid to your skin..

" True love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames leave the deepest scars. "

Zara Ismail


Sent via BlackBerry from Maxis

Daniel - Bat For Lashes

Daniel, when I first saw you
I knew that you had a flame in your heart
And under under wild blue skies
Marble movie skies
I found a home in your eyes
We'll never be apart

And when the fires came
The smell of cinders and rain
Perfumed almost everything
We laughed and laughed and laughed
And in the golden blue car
You took me to the darkest place you knew
And set fire to my heart

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

But in a goodbye bed
With my arms around your neck
Into our mouths the tears crept
Just kids in the eye of the storm
And as my head spun round
My dreams pulled me from the ground
Forever to search for the flame
For home again
For home again

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

This song is for you Danial Radzmi Roslan.

The Expendables

Star cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke; Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger (both special appearances) and Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Terry Crews.

Director : Sylvester Stallone

Genre : Action/Thriller

Synopsis : A team of highly-trained, dangerous mercenaries are sent on a mission to a South American country, with the objective of overthrowing a cold-blooded dictator.

Review

i decided to watch this movie with a friend  of mine at Cathay Cineplex, E @ Curve last night. While I was waiting for the movie to start, I read on twitter about how bad this movie is. I almost fell for it and not going to watch it. So, I thought, we've got the tickets, why not? It won't be that bad.

Starting of the movie, it was gory ( Bullets, knives and bare hands fly in an incomprehensible vortex as arms and heads and body parts get thrown into the melee) but exciting. Through out the movie I realized the spotlight was on Stallone and Statham most of the time. What do you expect? Stallone is the director. Watching all these stars doing the action (yes, yes, they have stunt doubles), running, and still look good, I actually like it. It wasn't that bad after all. I like the part where Arnold Schwarzenegger made the special appearance. The script was hilarious with alpha male ego and sarcasm.

Behind all the actions, I like the summary of the movie. Doesn't mean dangerous mercenaries lost their soul. They are not cold blooded killer. I find it very human. Something different. Among all the actions, Statham's was the best. They still need an Asian and a black man to complete the movie. For the "heroin" stars by Giselle Itié as as Sandra, a young native woman and Garza's daughter (ruthless dictator played by David Zayas) looked so gorgeous and sexy for her first appearance, later on, I realized she's not even good looking but she fits the role as a native. Most of the casts has about 5-10 lines? Seriously, Stallone should not take all the lines as most of the stars are high profile actors.

Overall, I think this movie is alright. With Stallone's gun-emptying, blade-tossing, clandestine action flick "The Expendables" is great fun. If you want to watch it, I'd suggest to wait for the DV or Blu-ray quality. Below is the trailer. ;)

Rating : 6 / 10

Still in love

All the memories came back to me. I feel like crying. It's true when I said last year was my first and last Eid Mubarak with him and his family. I remember my terawikh with him, my first salam on the first day of raya. I tried to forget about it but it didn't go away. I don't think I can ever get over him.. No other love can replace him for now and I don't know how long I'm gonna feel and be the way I am now. I tried not to hold on the past but the memories are haunting me each day I tried to forget about it. It hurts so much.. Tomorrow, it'll be 6 months already. Why am I so pathetic? Still in love with him? Why? I'm guessing this year Eid Mubarak will be really different.. I hope it'll be better than last year..
Sent via BlackBerry from Maxis

Thinking of You

I'm not feeling so great after all. Another 9 days, it'll be 6 months since he left me. Yes, I've been counting the days. I read a quote, "No matter how badly someone is hurting you, sometimes letting them go hurts even worse..." and that's what I'm feeling right now. I am happy. But whenever right after I had a good laugh, something just hit me in my mind and ask, ' Is he as happy as I am? '. Why is it so hard to forget this one person? I know it's kinda stupid to ask this from God, but I've always prayed something bad would happen to me so that it could make me forget about him and our past. I don't like it when I still remember.  It's not that I don't want to cherish it forever, it hurts me. I miss every single laugh we had. I miss every endless conversations. I miss everything about us. I don't know how I could actually go on like this. Thanks to my family and babies (who has been giving me great support), I am how I am now. I hate it when I cry about someone who doesn't deserve my tears. At times, I pray that I'll get a job and go far away from here. Start a new life. I don't have to go to the places that we've been before. It hurts even more when I actually visit my old home recently. It brings back millions memories. No matter how, I'm still hurting. So hard to not feel hurt. I thought I was still okay, I didn't know it was this deep. Please God, I'm praying and begging you to take away my memories so I won't be in pain..

"Just so you know, I tried my best to let go of you… but I failed."

Blackwidow

Seeing you,
Hearing you,
Makes my life come true.

Staring these walls,
Making me fall,
Fall deeper into my darkest thoughts.

Surrounded by devils and monsters,
I hid myself at the darkest corner,
Where you can find me dying of hunger,
Hunger of lust, greed and wrath.

These sins,
Makes me wondering,
Where shall I begin.

I'm flying,
So I shall not be seen,
As I'm losing,
Losing myself into the deadliest sins.
Sent via BlackBerry from Maxis

Somewhere Inside

I dedicate this song to you. Read the lyrics, and this is how I feel.

Who am I, love?
What am I supposed to be?
One life alone,
Oh somehow it's made for me

What do I do?
What can I say?
It's nothing new,
The choice was made
But what if I lose my way?
And run right into you,
Deep inside we'll never be anything other than lonely,
Tell me what does it take?
To breathe it into you,
Weak inside we'll never be anything other than lonely
One bleeding scar,
Still feels how it used to feel,
It's all so wrong,
No easy way to believe
What do I do?
What can I say?
It's nothing new,
The choice was made
But what if I lose my way?
And run right into you,
Deep inside we'll never be anything other than lonely,
Tell me what does it take?
To breathe it into you,
Weak inside we'll never be anything other than lonely
I wanna ride,
I wanna hide,
What I've become,
Now you're no longer mine,
I wanna feel,
Something that's real,
Somewhere inside
But what if I lose my way?
And run right into you,
Deep inside we'll never be anything other than lonely,
Tell me what does it take?
To breathe it into you,
Weak inside we'll never be anything other than lonely
I wanna ride,
I wanna hide,
What I've become,
Now you're no longer mine,
I wanna feel,
Something that's real,
Somewhere inside.

Zara Ismail