Remembrance

2010 has come to it's end. Another 3 days it's new year. A new year for me to go through it. 2010 has been very challenging for me. I was left on the eve of Valentine's Day, lived through 6 months with the support of my loved ones. With no job, I had to find a way to survive. Until one day in August, my beloved brother, Shamil Yusof rescued me from baking cookies for the entire year. He gave me a job that has always been my passion. I am now one of the Clockwork Events Sdn Bhd crew.

Handling my very own first award event, Nextgen Contentpreneur Awards 2010 was challenging but I've learned a lot from it. On September 6th, my beloved father passed away. That tore me into pieces that no one could ever imagine. Until now, I'm still hurting, trying to move on, and at the same time, my love, came back into my life. Even though we're not together, he has been there for me ever since. I would never regret what ever has happened before. This year has taught me a lot. Words could no describe.

I made new friends through Twitter. I'm thankful I met most of them during the Oct23rd TwtUp. I'm proud to be part of it. It was one of the biggest twtup in Malaysia. They all have given me strength and courage to go through situations, I imagined myself going through it all alone.

Goodbye 2010, may 2011 is a break through for my career, my future, my life. Amin.

"This song means the world to me right now. It gives me strength" - Zara Ismail

Wreck Inside

I'm a wreck. An emotional wreck. I always put up a smile on my face and says, "Everything is alright." or " I'm fine.". Truth is I'm not. I've never been. People calls me a dramaqueen because I love the dramas in my life. I don't. No one truly knows how I feel except for myself and God. I can only let it out when it comes to twitter or blog but not to personally to a real person.

I'm not strong enough to face everything. I'm sad that I'm hurting again. I smiled because I don't want to lose it because I know I'm losing it sometime real soon. I didn't walk away because it's too hard for me. So, I kept everything to myself. I kept my worries, my hurts, my fears inside.

I don't want to hurt anyone I love and care most. I decided to keep it all in or runaway. I love them too much it's killing me. I don't know how to be selfish. I told everyone that I am but I'm not. I can't. I don't want to see them hurting. Not one single bit. I always pray for a light to show me the way to happiness, but it seems He is still testing me. So, I stand on my ground. Go through all  the test. Whenever I'm about to fall and break into pieces now, I thought of what my late father said, "He's testing you because He knows you can go through it."

I kept my promise. I stand on my ground but I'm only human. How long more can I take?

I wished you'd see me how wrecked I am but I forgot, where I stand. I forgot who am I to you.

I'm not gonna apologize for how I felt because I am me. Accept me for who I am.

The Truth

It's been awhile I blog. Last night I finally broke down, yet, no one manage to see it. I tried so hard to be as strong as my mom. I couldn't. I miss my dad so badly. At times, when I dialed my dad's number, I wish it was him that would pick up the phone. I miss talking to him. I miss coming back home to him. I just miss him too much that it hurts inside.

I am thankful my mom is still around but, for how long? Whenever she sleeps, I just stare at her, to make sure she's still breathing. I've lost my dad, I can't afford to lose my mom. I guess it's one of those days I'm feeling so down.

I just wish things were back to normal. Everyone lives. I could never get over the facts that dad has left us. As much as I would like to celebrate his life, part of me died with I received the news of his death. My life would never be the same, without him.

"I miss you pa.. I really do."

Special Kind of Thank You

Through thick and thin you've sticked by me,
You understood,
Without you there,
I would never coped the problems on my own.

Friends come and go,
People like you are hard to find,
Anyone I've ever know,
Couldn't compare to the love that you've shown,
I've always know,
How lucky I am to have you here besides me,

Here I am,
Saying thank you.. 
Deep down from my sincere heart.

Much Love,

Zara Ismail

my beloved orang lama

 my abang bo gondol

my acem

 my ampang clan

 my clockwork crew

 my beloved sisters

 my babies

 my chucky

 my partner in crime

my joker

A Man I called Papa

Papa left us 3 days before Syawal arrived. The day that I published "Picture Almost Perfect", the day I knew things were too good to be true. I would never forget the phone called I received from mama, 7.42pm, 6th September 2010, "Aizura, come back now, papa has passed away..".

I broke down. The first person I called was Danial. Then my siblings. I couldn't believe what I've just heard. It was the most heartbreaking news ever in my entire life. I was in shocked because half an hour before I received the news, I was texting with him, discussing about raya. I was just with him for 2 nights at Mantin and left day before he passed away. I took my parents out, pushed him on his wheel chair. The last I remembered, he kissed me like he would never see me again before I headed back to KL. 

Papa has been one of the best father, great man I've ever known. Though we always have our disagreements, I've always been a daddy's girl. The man I normally cry to, where I can lean and share my worries with him. He has always been a strong man. Papa is an honest man. I remembered I gave him to hold me an old five ringgit note, and he still has it in his wallet. Papa might be fierce, but I know it was for the best to all of us. 

Until now, I can't stop these tears. I know I have not provided him the best nor be the best daughter any father would have asked for, but I did my best, and i'm thankful and grateful to know from mama that I made him happy during his last days. It has been 11 days, yet I felt it was yesterday he has passed. There are no regrets, just happiness I had with him. I shall celebrate his life, his joy, his happiness. 

Now, I'm taking up my responsibilities towards my mother. The only parent I have left.

I dedicate my life to you, papa.. Thank you for everything you've taught me. You've raised me well. Your passing is a blessing in disguise, May Allah place you in heaven, where all the angels are. InsyaAllah.

Ismail bin Hamzah ( 7th MAY 1951 - 6th SEPTEMBER 2010)

I LOVE YOU PAPA FOREVER AND ALWAYS

Al - Fatihah

Picture Almost Perfect

I've never been this happy. Everything fell apart with no reasons that I tried so hard to understand. Now, Alhamdulillah, things are falling back into pieces I never thought it would be. I'm happily married to my job now which I'm carrying massive responsibilties, time to spend with friends (and just realizing I made more new good friends!) makes this picture of my life almost perfect. I just realized I don't want to be in a relationship right now because I am having one with my job. This is my time to build my career. God gave me this chance and I'm going to prove to myself and use this opportunity to do so. The best part, I'm in talking terms with "orang lama" and I feel better now. No more grudge, I'm putting aside what happened in the past and open a new chapter. I am me, the new old me before I met "orang lama", who is very independant. and living on her own two feet. I'm a 26 years old young lady, who has dreams and will achieve those dreams. InsyaAllah. My life is almost perfect right now and I'm thankful for that. Alhamdulillah. Amin.

I <3 the new old me

"   Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfection... "

Scarred

The memories are rushing thru in my mind. Suddenly it brings me back to his place, his room. Where I lie on his bed and watching him staring at his pc. With his favorite song playing on the back, I smiled. It was such a lovely sight.

Tears streaming down my face without me noticing, until someone wiped it away..

N : Stop crying love..
Me : How can I? I'm still hurting..
N : I'm here for you..
Me : I know.. But he isn't. He's the only one who can take away the pain..
N ; Is he worth it?
Me : I fought for 3 years, isn't it good enough?
N : What does your heart says?
Me : It was worth it, and it is still..
N : Waiting?
Me : Who else can fix this?
N : Yourself.
Me : Take years..
N : Take all the time you need.. For now, try to let go..
Me : If I don't want to?
N : You'll lose yourself..

Why is it so hard to let go? It's already gone. Damaged. It's scarred forever. Wound is so deep that nothing can heal it. They say time, but the longer it is, the deeper it'll get. I don't know how to treat this wound. It's like pouring acid to your skin..

" True love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames leave the deepest scars. "

Zara Ismail


Sent via BlackBerry from Maxis

Daniel - Bat For Lashes

Daniel, when I first saw you
I knew that you had a flame in your heart
And under under wild blue skies
Marble movie skies
I found a home in your eyes
We'll never be apart

And when the fires came
The smell of cinders and rain
Perfumed almost everything
We laughed and laughed and laughed
And in the golden blue car
You took me to the darkest place you knew
And set fire to my heart

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

But in a goodbye bed
With my arms around your neck
Into our mouths the tears crept
Just kids in the eye of the storm
And as my head spun round
My dreams pulled me from the ground
Forever to search for the flame
For home again
For home again

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

This song is for you Danial Radzmi Roslan.

The Expendables

Star cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke; Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger (both special appearances) and Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Terry Crews.

Director : Sylvester Stallone

Genre : Action/Thriller

Synopsis : A team of highly-trained, dangerous mercenaries are sent on a mission to a South American country, with the objective of overthrowing a cold-blooded dictator.

Review

i decided to watch this movie with a friend  of mine at Cathay Cineplex, E @ Curve last night. While I was waiting for the movie to start, I read on twitter about how bad this movie is. I almost fell for it and not going to watch it. So, I thought, we've got the tickets, why not? It won't be that bad.

Starting of the movie, it was gory ( Bullets, knives and bare hands fly in an incomprehensible vortex as arms and heads and body parts get thrown into the melee) but exciting. Through out the movie I realized the spotlight was on Stallone and Statham most of the time. What do you expect? Stallone is the director. Watching all these stars doing the action (yes, yes, they have stunt doubles), running, and still look good, I actually like it. It wasn't that bad after all. I like the part where Arnold Schwarzenegger made the special appearance. The script was hilarious with alpha male ego and sarcasm.

Behind all the actions, I like the summary of the movie. Doesn't mean dangerous mercenaries lost their soul. They are not cold blooded killer. I find it very human. Something different. Among all the actions, Statham's was the best. They still need an Asian and a black man to complete the movie. For the "heroin" stars by Giselle Itié as as Sandra, a young native woman and Garza's daughter (ruthless dictator played by David Zayas) looked so gorgeous and sexy for her first appearance, later on, I realized she's not even good looking but she fits the role as a native. Most of the casts has about 5-10 lines? Seriously, Stallone should not take all the lines as most of the stars are high profile actors.

Overall, I think this movie is alright. With Stallone's gun-emptying, blade-tossing, clandestine action flick "The Expendables" is great fun. If you want to watch it, I'd suggest to wait for the DV or Blu-ray quality. Below is the trailer. ;)

Rating : 6 / 10

Still in love

All the memories came back to me. I feel like crying. It's true when I said last year was my first and last Eid Mubarak with him and his family. I remember my terawikh with him, my first salam on the first day of raya. I tried to forget about it but it didn't go away. I don't think I can ever get over him.. No other love can replace him for now and I don't know how long I'm gonna feel and be the way I am now. I tried not to hold on the past but the memories are haunting me each day I tried to forget about it. It hurts so much.. Tomorrow, it'll be 6 months already. Why am I so pathetic? Still in love with him? Why? I'm guessing this year Eid Mubarak will be really different.. I hope it'll be better than last year..
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Thinking of You

I'm not feeling so great after all. Another 9 days, it'll be 6 months since he left me. Yes, I've been counting the days. I read a quote, "No matter how badly someone is hurting you, sometimes letting them go hurts even worse..." and that's what I'm feeling right now. I am happy. But whenever right after I had a good laugh, something just hit me in my mind and ask, ' Is he as happy as I am? '. Why is it so hard to forget this one person? I know it's kinda stupid to ask this from God, but I've always prayed something bad would happen to me so that it could make me forget about him and our past. I don't like it when I still remember.  It's not that I don't want to cherish it forever, it hurts me. I miss every single laugh we had. I miss every endless conversations. I miss everything about us. I don't know how I could actually go on like this. Thanks to my family and babies (who has been giving me great support), I am how I am now. I hate it when I cry about someone who doesn't deserve my tears. At times, I pray that I'll get a job and go far away from here. Start a new life. I don't have to go to the places that we've been before. It hurts even more when I actually visit my old home recently. It brings back millions memories. No matter how, I'm still hurting. So hard to not feel hurt. I thought I was still okay, I didn't know it was this deep. Please God, I'm praying and begging you to take away my memories so I won't be in pain..

"Just so you know, I tried my best to let go of you… but I failed."

Blackwidow

Seeing you,
Hearing you,
Makes my life come true.

Staring these walls,
Making me fall,
Fall deeper into my darkest thoughts.

Surrounded by devils and monsters,
I hid myself at the darkest corner,
Where you can find me dying of hunger,
Hunger of lust, greed and wrath.

These sins,
Makes me wondering,
Where shall I begin.

I'm flying,
So I shall not be seen,
As I'm losing,
Losing myself into the deadliest sins.
Sent via BlackBerry from Maxis

Somewhere Inside

I dedicate this song to you. Read the lyrics, and this is how I feel.

Who am I, love?
What am I supposed to be?
One life alone,
Oh somehow it's made for me

What do I do?
What can I say?
It's nothing new,
The choice was made
But what if I lose my way?
And run right into you,
Deep inside we'll never be anything other than lonely,
Tell me what does it take?
To breathe it into you,
Weak inside we'll never be anything other than lonely
One bleeding scar,
Still feels how it used to feel,
It's all so wrong,
No easy way to believe
What do I do?
What can I say?
It's nothing new,
The choice was made
But what if I lose my way?
And run right into you,
Deep inside we'll never be anything other than lonely,
Tell me what does it take?
To breathe it into you,
Weak inside we'll never be anything other than lonely
I wanna ride,
I wanna hide,
What I've become,
Now you're no longer mine,
I wanna feel,
Something that's real,
Somewhere inside
But what if I lose my way?
And run right into you,
Deep inside we'll never be anything other than lonely,
Tell me what does it take?
To breathe it into you,
Weak inside we'll never be anything other than lonely
I wanna ride,
I wanna hide,
What I've become,
Now you're no longer mine,
I wanna feel,
Something that's real,
Somewhere inside.

Zara Ismail

You Lost Me

I am done
Smoking gun
We've lost it all
The love is gone

She has won
Now its no fun
We've lost it all
The love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected,
And somehow you left me neglected

And we tried
How we cried
We lost ourselves
The love has died

Now I know you're sorry
And we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
And you'll regret it, but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me.

Kiss me

Kiss me as if tonight is the last time. Kiss me because I'm afraid of losing you, again. I want to be close to you, to see myself in your eyes, to see you next to me, thinking by tomorrow, I'll be far away from you. Kiss me when you know I'm not gonna be here anymore.

For I'm leaving, just so you know, it's just the beginning.

You Are For Me

This is such a beautiful song. Touched me inside...

Check the lyrics here

Lonely

I have to admit, I feel lonely. Yes, I've been counting the days he has left me. I don't feel that sad, I'm still angry, yet, I miss him. It did cross my mind, perhaps, I miss the idea being with him. But that shows that I don't really love him, no? I do love him. I care about him still.

I feel empty. I feel lonely. I have the love, yet, I haven't found my someone special.

" It sucks to be alone, even when there are people all around you.. "

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A Thousand Years

I'm ready to wait for you even a thousand years more.
But would it be true that I could live this long?
Let me go around from north to south.
I will not stop hoping. I'm ready, faithful.

I tried to follow you a thousand miles more.
But would it be true that my feet could walk this far?
Let the birds fly in their own way. Even if the ocean starts to shiver.
I'm still faithful.

Do you still long for this love?
Do you ever want this to last?

I'm ready to wait for you even a thousand years more.
But could it be true that I would live this long? Let me go around from north to south. I will not stop hoping. I'm ready, faithful.

Please don't lose your hope...Be ready...Be faithful...

Save Me

I wrote this 4 months back. Supposed to be a lyric. Here goes.

It's raining outside
And my heart is crying inside
I've paced my room
And fell asleep on the bed
Wishing that I won't wake

Reminiscing the memories we shared
Tears streaming down my face
The love that we had
Was just a phase

Time is cruel
I feel like a fool
Baby come and save me
Come and save me
Your love is cruel
I feel like a fool
Baby come and save me
Come and save me

You stuck a knife in my heart
You stabbed it so hard
How can this happen
When you said it'd be different

I'm still here
Thinking you'd hear
How hurt am I
And missing your lullaby

Time is cruel
I feel like a fool
Baby come and save me
Come and save me
Your love is cruel
I feel like a fool
Baby come and save me
Come and save me

Come and save me..

Zara Ismail

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Picture of my life / Part I

I came back from watching Sex and the City 2 with one of my girlfriends. Just to watch those fiction characters make me feel sad. Especially watching Mr Big and Carrie Bradshaw. I had a man, who was actually nice, patient, humble, understanding, in short, he was perfect for me. I had my very own Mr Big (he wasn't that "Big" after all and no, not talking about you know what you dirty minded people. hehe), and suddenly, he changed. He left without a real explanation. I was left hanging. Then, it just hit me. I was relying on him too much. He was always there for me and NOW he's no longer part of me. I've slipped again. I admit that I'm not fully recover from this bad break up. I'm still bruised inside. I'm not going to apologize for the way I feel. I know I've been depressed and I'm still in denial. Only my sister and true friends are giving me the support. I don't know where to start, not to think about him is a lie. He's always on my mind (Yes, you. I know you do read my blog).

I'm stuck here thinking what have I done wrong to you, and yes, I'm still trying figure out what happened. He has been the biggest part of me. Now, I no longer have him. Yes, I kept on repeating because I want to set a reminder to myself I'll be okay. I'm exhausted for feeling this way. I'm only human. I can't help for feeling sad, missing him. I've never met someone like him. I've met guys along the way, I shall not name names, but they all belong to other people. I'm afraid when other men come close to me. I do miss having someone who actually cares about me and I'm talking about someone special. It's been almost 5 months. Time flies so quickly and yet I feel he left me yesterday. Deep down, nothing can make me feel better. With my luck with jobs (which I'm jobless now), I don't have any other thing to make myself busy except with family and friends. They all have their own life. I'm still stuck here. Everyone are moving forward. I'm stuck here. Hear me please.

All I wanted is to have that comfort which I had previously, and God took it away. I know He has better plans for me, but I'm tired of waiting. I want Him to take away my sorrows. I should be thankful there are other people out that suffering. I'm still lucky. I'm rambling about lots of stuffs. I stopped writing my novel because I don't have my muse. I've lost it again. I've lost a lot of things that excites me.

I love you still Danial Radzmi Roslan. There, I've said it publicly. I don't care what people says how stupid am I to still love you. I tried so hard to let go, and I'm still holding on. I know you're moving on. I know that for sure. No one could ever take your place. You will always have that special place in my heart. I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm still in love with you. That's all I could say. I miss you each day, especially those days when I have so many things that I'd like to share it with you and you're not there anymore. You there, but it's not the same at all. Things are not the same anymore. I'm trying adapt. It's weird, awkward but I'm still trying. I'm not giving up. I remembered why you fell for me, and I'm not the same person and so are you. I've always wondered how things would be if we're still together. I've always wonder will you ever come back again. I've always thought about it. I kept on telling myself we're not meant to be but it's not working. I tried to remember the worst side of you, yet, you've done so many things that I'm thankful for. I believed there were reasons we met, reasons for good times, reasons for bad times and most importantly a reason we ended it. It's not that we weren't meant for each other, we weren't ready for forever. Somehow, I know we'll meet again, not quite sure where and when. For now, it's goodbye. Just let me keep these pain, these love until I know I fall out of love.

This is the picture of my love life.

"Danial, I've always loved you and will always love you. Ingat sampai bila bila."

 


Zara Ismail

Silent cry

I don't know why I'm unlucky in love. I hate when I fell for someone who belongs for someone else. It's either someone's boyfriend, fiance or husband. Why can't I jusr fall for someone who's single? When that person is single, I fall for someone who's not the right for me. I know there's a say "fall for the wrong ones and you'll finally meet the right one". I'm tired of it, because I keep meeting the wrong ones. My heart is broken so many times. I'm too hurt. Shattered million pieces that I can't put it into pieces. I don't know till when I feel like this. Why do I drink? I'm trying to forget what I feel inside. I know it's stupid. I'm stupid, I'm an idiot. I'm worse than that. I've never looked down to myself this way. I'm tired. I really tired. I keep on praying. Everyone say God is fair. Why is He doing this to me? I can't take it. At times I lose faith, and I'll gain it but I'll lose it again.. I don't know how to feel again. I'm just a human being. All I'm asking for is happiness..

Zara Ismail
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These feelings

I hate the part that I need someone to lean on right now, and he's not there anymore. The time that I needed a shoulder to cry on. To someone who actually would understand me and just listen to me ranting out how I feel inside. I need and want that someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to okay and that's not the end of the world. That someone who'll wipe away my tears and smile at me. I miss that comfort. That comfort is long gone. I might laugh and smile all the time, but deep inside, I'm hurt, sad and crying. I tried so hard staying positive, but when something came along the way and make me feel down, I'll shattered again. I've never been this vulnerable. I hate this self of mine. I don't have that will power to move on already. I'm tired of feeling this way. When will God granted my prayers? To be strong, and independent like I used to, 5 years ago? I want to be that person. That bubbly side of me, living the way that I was.. Please, God, grant my prayers. Make it come true.. I've never stop asking and praying to you..
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Announcement / Cintamu

Dear friends/readers,

I'm writing an e-novel. It's called, Cintamu . Yes, it's a malay love story. I'm still in the middle of writing it. The chapters will be update frequently. Please spread the words. Have fun!



Zara Ismail

Penguasa Hati

Somehow, it's been 4 months, 6 days, 1 hour you've been away. Do you ever wonder about me? Do you even cry to sleep at night thinking of me? Do you ever reminisce about us? It's been this long and I'm still missing you. I can still taste your lips, your sweet kisses. It's hard enough just passing the time. I can't seem to get you off my mind. Where is the good in goodbye? I always wonder, do you ever ask about me. I should be over you but I'm still missing you. I'd like to say more, but these lyrics are enough to say it all.

 

Sebelum kau pergi jauh dariku
Dengarlah isi hatiku tentang dirimu
Yang slalu ku cinta
Dan yang slalu ku rindukan

Maafkanlah semua kesalahanku
Ku buat kau menangis pergi dan berlalu
Meninggalkan diriku
Dan takkan pernah kembali

Dan akhirnya kesendirian hatiku
Menyadarkan diriku bahwa engkaulah
Penguasa hatiku

Engkaulah cinta sejati dalam hidupku
Kaulah yang terakhir yang slalu kunanti
Sampai akhir nanti

Dan kaulah satu-satunya yang slalu kurindukan
Menghiasi ruangan hatiku
Sampai akhir nanti

Zara Ismail

Happy Birthday..

For the past 3 years, we've celebrated your birthday together. I'm sure you're celebrating it this year with someone new. So, I'm wishing you happy 26th birthday. Have a great birthday. Take care D.

Zara Ismail.
Sent via BlackBerry from Maxis

Luka di Sini

Mengapa hati ini masih menyayangi dirimu? Aku sentiasa tertanya.. Kenapa kau masih istimewa bagiku? Kau telah jancurkan segala impian. Aku hilang kepercayaan, hilang kemahuan untuk bercinta, hilang diri aku. Dulu, aku tahu apa aku mahu. Kini, semuanya musnah. Kenapa air mata masih mahu mengalir untuk seorang yang tidak menghargai diri ini?

Dulu pernah ada cinta
Dulu pernah ada sayang
Namun kini tiada lagi perasaan seperti dulu
Kini tiada lagi kisah
Cinta ku telah musnah sudah
Hancur hati ku, telah kau sakiti perasaan ku

Biarkan ku pergi..
Jangan kau tanyakan lagi..
Ku yakin ini yang terbaik untuk kau dan diri ku

Biarkan berlalu,rasa cinta ini di hati..
Ku tak bisa untuk menahan, aku luka di sini

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Angel of Death

No more hopes
No more dreams
My heart is broken
It's all because of Him

Angel of death
come and take me
Let it be the last breath
I just want to be free

I see rainbows and butterflies
I know it's all lies
Drain me from these pain
It's driving me insane

This is my pray. I lost all hope, all faith. I'm so tired of being so sad, all the time.

Berhenti berharap

Today is the day that I wanted him so much. The time I wish he'd still be around and hug me and tell me everythings alright. Today I just realized how lonely it was. I thought I'd be okay. I'm not. I wish I can't stop these tears. My heart is broken all over again. I miss my "bestfriend". Talking to him over the phone just now was just too much for me. As much as I want him to be my shoulder to cry on, I know it's over. I wish there's a reset button. I don't have to remember he existed in my life three years ago. He'd know what to tell me. I just want to rip my heart out right now.

I don't know where to start. Four months ago I was dumped, and today I've been layed off. What else will come next? To think, everythings going to be okay is not okay. I'm tired of pretending. I'm hurt. I'm broke. I'm jobless. Great. 26 years old and not achieving anything at all. How pathetic could I be? Attempting to write is just wishful thinking. Now, I've lost all hope again. 

Thank you God.

" Just when I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart.. "

Cintamu / Chapter 1

"I just don't understand why I'm still in love with you when you hurt me so much.." kataku padanya. Dia hanya menundukkan wajahnya. "What have I done wrong this time? Apa salah I? Kenapa you buat I macam ni?" soalku lagi. Akhirnya dia memberanikan diri mendongak dan melihat aku. "Selama kita bersama, you tak pernah buat salah. It's me, not you." dia menjawab. "It's me not you? Itu je yang you dapat jawab?" soalku. Airmata aku tidak berhenti membasahi pipi.

"Sayang..." dia memanggil sambil mencapai tangan aku. Aku tarik tangan aku dengan kasar dan mengesat airmata, "Don't call me sayang. You don't deserve me. You dah lukakan hati I. You ingat I tak tahu kenapa you tinggalkan I? I berikan you peluang untuk jelaskan dan berterus terang pada I, tapi.. you masih nak berdalih!" aku menjerit padanya. Lalu, aku bangun, "I've had enough with you.." dan berlalu pergi meninggalkannya tanpa menoleh. 

Kecewanya hati aku. Kamil Afsyah. Itu lah lelaki yang aku terima selepas berkali-kali aku cuba menolak cintanya. Bila hati ini akhirnya menerima cintanya, dia menghancurkan hati ini. Air mata tidak berhenti membasahi pipi. Aku berjalan tanpa hala tuju. "Kenapa Kamil? Kenapa kau hancurkan hati aku?" soalnya hati ini. Dua tahun yang lalu, dialah lelaki yang akhirnya memenangi hati ini. Kini semuanya tinggal kenangan..

Riiinnnnggg!

"Azalea, kau kat mana? Dari tadi aku cuba telefon, tapi tak berjawab. Kau okay?" soal Dayanna, teman baik aku selepas menjawab panggilannya. "Anna, I don't feel like talking. Aku telefon kau kejap lagi lah." itu sahaja aku dapat menjawab. Terus aku mematikan telefon bimbit. "I'm sorry Anna, aku tak sanggup lagi untuk menceritakan semua..." bisik hati aku. Lalu, aku terus berjalan tanpa hala tuju.

Bila Cinta

Hari ini cukup empat bulan kau meninggalkan ku... Aku termenung seorang diri mengingati kisah kita yang lalu. Hati ini masih terluka. Air mataku membasahi pipi. Apakah salahku? Sampai kini aku tertanya tanya... Kau pergi meninggalkan aku tanpa sebarang kata. Aku masih memegang janjimu. Tatkali aku memejam mataku, aku masih melihat kau dan aku. Gelak tawamu, senyumanmu, masih segar di ingatan. Apakah kau sendiri tidak merasai apa yang aku rasa? Terluka, rindu? Walaubagaimanapun, kau masih di hati ini. Lagu ini ditujukan khas buatmu.


Bila cinta kini tak lagi bermakna
yang kurasa kini
hanya lah nestapa
ditinggalkan cinta masa lalu....


Dulu kau tawarkan manisnya janjimu
dan ku sambut itu dengan segenap hatiku
hingga engkau pergi tinggalkan ku...


Hilangnya cintamu
menusuk hatiku
hingga ku memilih cinta yang fana
perginya dirimu merobek jantungku
hingga ku terjatuh dalam harapan...


Ku sebut namamu disetiap doaku
dan ku kan setia kenangan tentangmu
yang ku dapat hanya lah bayangmu...

Zara Ismail

I Miss You

Everyday, before I go to sleep, I think of you.. Everyday, when I wake up, I'm not in "our" house. You're not next to me. I see different faces, I see me alone. I tried to hate you, but, how can I hate the person who holds my heart? The person whom I was in love with and will always love...

It hurts so much that today, I cried. I cried my heart out. I cried missing you badly. I cried because those memories still haunts me. I don't want anyoneelse but you. Only you could make me feel better. I thought I was okay, but, I've never been. Nothing is the same anymore. My heart is aching badly.

" I think it's time I let you go... and that is hard to do because part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life.. "

Secret of a Broken Heart

I wrote another story. Something to get it out of my chest. My life is so boring. Here I am confessing. I am sick and tired of all the insincere. Why can't I just be honest? I have a secret and I wish I could give it away. I don't care when the critics jump in line. I got no reason to be ashame, I got no reasons to blame.

I've got nothing at all to remember you by. I just don't understand why won't you let me in. We could have waited for a little while. Let everything have it's way and we cracked the secret and smile. We forgot how we were when we together. Now, you've gone, wake me up and let me fall.

Better in Time

It's been the longest time I remembered without you.. I didn't know where and who to turn to. Seems like somehow I can't forget you after all that we've been through. If you didn't notice, you mean everything to me. I used to think when I let you go, I've set you free, I'll be right here waiting for you. I thought you could take your time, find everything you need and I won't go away. I could keep your things right the way you left them and I'll be right here waiting for you to find me to come back to me..

I couldn't go to the places where we used to go, even turning on the television without something reminds me of you. Was it all that easy to just put aside your feelings? Even though I really love you, I know I'm going to be okay.

When you say you're leaving, as you walk away, I know there's nothing left to say. Since there's no more you and me, I know it's time to let you go... So I can be free and live my life how it should be. No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you. I thought I could not live without you. It's going to hurt when it heals too but I know it will all get better in time.

"Wanting you is hard to forget, loving you is hard to regret, losing you is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet. Sometimes, the memories are worth the pain..."

Bloodstream

Wake up, look me in the eyes again. I need to feel your hand upon my face. Words can relay nice, they can cut you open and then the silence surrounds you and haunts you. The spaces in between two minds and all the places they have been. I tried to put my finger on it...


I think I might have inhaled you... I could feel you behind my eyes. You've gotten into my bloodstream, I could feel you floating in me..

You've always been my favorite kind of drug

Letter For You

Hey you,

How are you? I hope you're doing well. I know you're reading this blog. I have a confession to make. I miss you. It's been awhile.. yet, my anger hasn't reduce one bit of it. I may be happy but when ever someone opens up the topic, yes, about "us", I became mad. Mad for letting myself hurt by you. Mad for letting you hurt me, AGAIN. I wish I could say this out loud but I just don't want to come close not even 1 inch to you. That's how angry I am.

I don't hate you, but I hate what you did to me. I used to pray that you'd fall and die, but that's not right after all. So, I've prayed day in and out, karma's a bitch. Yes, it's still anger typing all these nonsense.





*breathe in breathe out*


Now, since the anger is gone, I know you know what I'm trying to say between the lines.
Take care.


Zara Ismail.

You Wreck Me

Me : How did we let this end this way when it could've been better?

Him : I don't know.

Me : For all the things we've been through, I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm disappointed and I'm frustrated. BUT, you don't have to apologize because I forgave you and I'm sorry for the things I've done and said to you..

Him : I won't let you dissappear from my life.

Me : .....

That was the last conversation we had. Well, partly. We hugged, and walked away. That was two and a half months ago. I'm still bitter. When I had to talk to him, I became this person that I wasn't. I became angry. I'm moving on, yet the wound hasn't heal. I hate myself right now. This is not me. I'm only happier when I see my babies (best & good friends) and my family. When I'm alone, I'm bitter.

I'm quieter compared before. I hesitated when the guys came closer. I don't see the world as it was. I was a lover and I'm not anymore.


I'm wrecked.
You wreck me.

Too long we’ve been denying
Now we’re both tired of trying
We hit a wall and we can’t get over it
Nothing to relive
It’s water under the bridge

~ "It Is What It Is" by Lifehouse

Sejati

Hari ini, aku cuba blog dalam bahasa.

Aku rasa kekosongan. Aku teringat akan diri orang lama. Apa khabarnya? Tiba-tiba nostalgia datang membawa sejuta kenangan. Air mata bergelinangan membasahi pipi. Sudah lupakah dia kepada diriku? Walaupun aku ada ramai teman yang menghiburkan diri ini, akan tetapi, tidak sama dengan dirinya.. Aku buntu. Pilu sungguh hati ini. Berkali-kali aku memesan diri ini cuba melupakannya, aku tewas dengan perasaan diriku sendiri. Namun semuanya kenangan... Hanya lagu "Sejati" dari Wings menemani hati yang luka ini.

Sejati
Itu yang kau ucapkan
Bila janji kugenggam
Bawah pohon kemboja
Yang sekecil kita

Menanti
Di mahligai mainan
Kita bina bersama
                                                      Dari dahan yang rapuh

Usia perangkap kita
Remaja kita tinggalkan
Namun aku masih
Menggenggam janji

Tinggal kenangan
Gagal segala impian
Tinggal bertanya
Erti sejati

Kenangan itu
Hanya mainan bagimu
Tinggal bertanya
Erti sejati
Yang telah engkau janjikan dulu

Stolen

He came in my life, unannounced.
When he kiss, he sets avalanches in my heart.
I never could have seen this coming.
The most amazing things.
They arrive within a moment.
When he's next to me, I'm alive all of sudden.
This is beautiful, unmistakable, unforgettable.
This is beautiful.

Because of you.. I laugh a little harder, cry a little less and smile a little more...

I Get Around

t's easy to think that the world is exactly as it appears: refined, elegant, imposing. But sometimes all it takes is a little key to open the door to the wild side. I love my weekends. I love it when I go out with my babies. I get to see them and I'm drowned in laughters and happiness. All of them are so eccentric. Their characteristics mirrors me. They are all different among each other, but the same characteristics that they have are patience, helpful, understanding and very good listener. They define me. They bring me down to earth and yes, they are my ecstasy. My new drugs. I'm thankful to the Lord above, for such a beautiful gift. Our friendship. Yes, we partied a lot. So? We work our ass off day and night and we earned it. Sometimes we need to step outside, clear our head and remind ourselves of who we are. And where we want to be. And sometimes we have to venture outside our world in order to find ourselves.

 

  As for me, I'm happy right where I am... I only want to be with you babies. 

XOXO

Zara Ismail

When A Heart Breaks

                    No one told me ever told me it would come to this... What began with such a promise, which end with such a twist. Everybody's laughing. Maybe that's just me. Does something unrequited mean it will never be? I lean into the whisper but I don't hear anything. Life, for now, I've come to fear. You've dropped me off and left me here. With nothing here to find my way, but the light you take as you pull away.. Far ahead the brush is moving and there's others here and good still proving. it's a tear in the dark all alone in the car in pieces. It's the sound of a mistake as I'm lying awake and sleepless. That is the sound that's made when a heart breaks. 

Nothing's wrong, it's in my mind... Nothing's wrong and I'll be fine...

Reminder to Self

Forget his name
Forget his face
Forget his kiss
His warm embrace

Forget the love that you once knew
Remember he has someone new...
Forget him when you hear your songs
Remember when you cried all night long...
Forget how close you once were
Remember he has chosen her...

Forget how you memorized his walk
Forget the way he used to talk
Forget the things he used to say
Remember he has gone away...

Forget his laugh, his grin
Forget the way he held you tight
Remember he's with her tonight...

Forget the time that went so fast
Forget the love that moved, it's past
Forget he said he'd leave you never
Remember he's gone FOREVER...

"I cried today... not because I miss you... or even wanted you... but because I realized I'm gonna be all right without you." - Zara Ismail

Come Back When You Can

I've been led on to think that we've been trying for too long. Every time we drift, we're forcing what is wrong.
At last that voice is gone. Please take your time, but you've got to know that I am taking sight. You look good with your patient face and wandering eye. Don't hold this war inside.

You left your home. You're so far from everything you know. Your big dream is crashing down and out your door. Wake up and dream once more. Let go, you'll understand. You've done nothing at all to make me love you less.


So come back when you can.

I think its time I let you go... and that is hard to do because part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life.

Let It Go

I'll begin to let you go
When the sunlight melts the snow
Every night I drive away from you
I see the mountains I have to move

It's hard like hell tonight to sleep
To close my eyes would admitting my defeat

And you there you don't care
I wonder if you wanted me like I wanted you

It's a lonely truth
That I can't change you
And you sure can't change me

 I did't let go... You pushed me away...

Tattoo

The way you used to look at me, the way you said my name.
The way you used to laugh and joke, I’ll never be the same.

The way we used to talk all day, & stay up late at night.
The way I used to get so jealous, & have our stupid little fights.

The things you used to say to me, the way it used to be.
I know I’ll never get it back, because I know you’re over me.

People hated us together, but we never gave it a thought.
I gave up everything I had for you, & you never gave it a second thought.

You took my heart in minutes from the first time I saw you.
From the first time I heard your voice, I fell hard and fast, & you knew it too.

You made me all these promises, I thought that you would keep.
But it’s obvious now, it was just me who believed.

 The day it ended, I’ll never forget.
Waking up the next morning, with my pillow soaking wet.

Crying myself to sleep, for days on end.
Wearing a fake smile, with a heart impossible to mend.

I know you’re done with those feelings, & never will think twice..

You’re name will be a permenent mark on my heart, for the rest of my life.

Hesitate

The human heart is a scary part in fact
'Cause I could break you and you could break me back
Though my head says just forget it
You'll get hurt and you'll regret it
Ask me now and I won't hesitate

So many cards that never leave the deck
There comes a time when you have to place your bets
and I've never been a gambling person
But if you want to see my hand
Ask me now and I won't hesitate

I thought about it long and hard today
I realized I'm standing in our way
Usually my judgement's better
But with your black eyes, hey whatever
Ask me now and I won't hesitate

'Cause I'm fearful of heights and you take me higher
What came with you was a view to admire
I've always been the kind to contemplate
But you like the kind that don't hesitate 

Excuse me while I fall for you...

Thank you note...

Sometimes, I wonder, how can I moved on so quickly. At times, yes, I admit that I do miss him.. but just for a moment. Unpacking the boxes I just moved into my sister's place, when I saw the stuffs we bought together, going to places we used to go, listening to the songs in my lappy, buying groceries and many more... That reminded me so much of "us". I've been making myself busy with work, with family and friends. I tend to say I like this guy, "falling" for that guy, but it all ain't true.

I realized, when he's gone, all the familiar faces are gone too. Exactly like Avril Lavigne's song - "When You're Gone". I don't feel lonely. I don't. I just feel sad because it had to end the way it ended. When someone comes closer to me, I hesitate, I ran. Wound is still there. I know I'll be okay.

A friend used to ask me, would I wait for him or someone like him.. I said, " I won't find someone like him, and to wait for him is no point because we both wanted to lead our own life. My someone new will come along the way. I don't have to look, not because I'm tired or hurt, but because I know, he'll come around. "


I can't stop the way I feel. It's alright to do so. It's healthy. I'm happy for my friends who are attached and married. I'm not jealous of them..because one day, my time will come. Day by day, I grew stronger and I'm proud of myself. I shall never mourn forever. I may think he used to be the ONE, because when we held hands, it felt right, both head and heart. We outgrew ourselves.

For what's worth, it was one of the best three years of my life. To be with him, to have him, to love him and to be loved by him. It was and I will always treasure it for the rest of my life..

Thank you D.

Please Don't Stop The rain

I don't know where I crossed the line
Was it something that I said
Or didn't say this time
And I don't know if it's me or you
But I can see the skies are changing
In all the shades of blue
And I don't know which way it's gonna go

I thought that time was on our side
I've put in far too many years
To let this pass us by
You see life is a crazy thing
There'll be good time and there'll be bad times
And everything in between
And I don't know which way it's gonna go

We're a little closer now
And finding what life's all about

I know you just can't stand it
When things don't go your way
But we've got no control over what happens anyway

If it's gonna be a rainy day
There's nothing we can do to make it change
We can pray for sunny weather
But that won't stop the rain
Feeling like you got no place to run
I can be your shelter 'til it's done
We can make this last forever
So please don't stop the rain

Let it fall
Just can't stop the rain

Let it fall

Please don't stop the rain...

The End

"It's funny how that one person you always use to talk to and have meaningful conversations with you is now a complete stranger and act like they never knew in the first place..."

 Zara Ismail

My Heart

I miss you.

Yes, you. 

Fall from the Star

This is a story about someone I truly love. Someone who has been in my life for the past 26 years. I love her so much that I wish I could give the world, the universe, everything to her. Just for her happiness. I may not show much affection towards her before this. She has always been there for me. She's my happy pill. She's an angel that has fallen from the star.

For the past 9 years, she has gone through something that no woman should have. I'm not going to say here outloud what had happened to her. Whenever I see her down, my heart cries out for her, yet, I have to stay strong. For her. For the kids. She and the kids are the love of my life. I can't really go on a day without talking to her. I know she's hurting inside. I've always and will pray that happiness will come for her.

What ever that makes her happy, I'll accept it. No matter who made her. No matter what made her.

Nana,

If I could change everything for you, I would. If I could meet up with God and ask him personally what did you do to deserve all these? I would. But I can't. All I can is to be next to you no matter what happen. All I can is to pray for your happiness. Because you're one and only sister that I have. Dunia, akhirat. I love you Ainur Nelisa Ismail. You're angel of my life, that fall from the star. I love you..

Love always,
Zara Ismail

Rarely Spoken

Funny when I tend to like someone so easily. It's just infatuation. I'm not ready for a relationship. I thought I did, but when someone comes close to me, I tend to push him away. The old wound is still fresh. I am interested in this guy. If he's interested, he'll show it to me.

I rarely talk to him. I rarely see him.

He knows I don't want to get rid of him out of my life.

True Feelings

Days when we were happier... (circa 2009)

I've been hurt too many times. Guess, I chose the wrong man most of the time. For the past few days, yes, I've been thinking a lot about that particular person who broke my heart. I have to admit, I now feel the heartache after a month plus of breaking up. Probably, the person who broke my heart after he did, triggered it. I hate to think and feel about it, but I know I have to go through it. I will always pray Danial will have someone else who can treat him that he deserves. Yes, he broke my heart into pieces, but I forgave him. I know we're better off on our seperate ways.

God, I actually typed his name after a month plus. Oh well, life is full of shite. I'm happy to be surrounded by my loved ones. I never regretted being with him for the past 3 years. I learned a lot. I grew up.

Danial, I hope you're happy, because I am.

"Orang yang mencintai kamu akan selalu mengingati setiap kejadian yang dia lalui bersama kamu, bahkan mungkin kejadian yang kamu sendiri sudah melupakannya, karena saat-saat itu ialah saat yang berharga untuknya. dan saat itu, matanya pasti berkaca. karena saat bersamamu tidak selalu terulang."

Forgive me

While blogging this, I feel like ripping out my heart. It hurts. Not the old wound. I was mean to someone. This particular person I just met. I'm sorry dear. I'm good at hurting people. Especially my loved ones.. That's for sure.

For what's worth, I'm sorry.

Sometimes I Wonder

Today, is one of those days that I'm in a loving mode.

I miss that particular someone. He knew I exist but he never knew how I felt.

My head is singing Car Crash Heart's single "Sometimes I Wonder".. It's good song.

and so, I wonder... ;)